MIL said I abandoned my children by working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This wouldn’t bother you if you didn’t, at some level, feel like you abandoned your kids by working.

Please go away. Adults are talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You’re right it is delusional. It bothers me though because it makes me wonder how long she’s felt this way and why she’s saying it now.

You can't change what people think, only your reaction to it. My mother says stuff like this to me (and she believes it too), but she's not saying it to hurt me, she's just from a different generation when it wasn't common for women to work outside the home. Let it go OP.

This. My grandmother has a thing about day care. She's constantly talking up how great a mother my cousin is because she has a nanny instead of sending her 3 kids to daycare. It's become a joke with my sister and me to lightly provoke our grandmother into a day care rant (which is fairly mild as rants go), and then casually mention that my 2 year old knows her letters or my sister's 18 month old knows her colors, and must have learned that at day care. Whereupon Grandma invariably responds with wonder and amazement at what a great day care we've found. Then the next time we talk it starts over again. (I always wonder what she says to my cousin about us, but cousin and I aren't close so I haven't asked.)

You just have to let it roll off. We all have things we judge others for. Usually silently, but some people like to make it explicit. It's not worth getting riled up over; it won't change her mind and it won't make you feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wouldn’t bother you if you didn’t, at some level, feel like you abandoned your kids by working.

Please go away. Adults are talking.

I’m sorry I hit a nerve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wouldn’t bother you if you didn’t, at some level, feel like you abandoned your kids by working.

Please go away. Adults are talking.

I’m sorry I hit a nerve.

DP. I stayed home and I think you sound stupid.

[Anonymous]

It makes me wonder if she’s felt this way all along ...

If she did feel this way ... well, she kept it to herself all these years! That's good!! It does not good to focus on it. It does not good to focus on her bad qualities. Was there alcohol involved that night? Not an excuse but EVERYONE is allowed a screw-up sometimes. You move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just jealous and in order to feel good about her non choices, she puts others down. There is a way to be a sahm for years and then still work after, or volunteer, or do something more than bring other people down to feel good about yourself. Sounds like she is getting older in becoming, as so many elderly, unhinged.

The Canadian White College-Educated women are out full-force today!

DP. You seem a little weird, ngl.

To you? I must have succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. nglt.

No, to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You’re right it is delusional. It bothers me though because it makes me wonder how long she’s felt this way and why she’s saying it now.

You can't change what people think, only your reaction to it. My mother says stuff like this to me (and she believes it too), but she's not saying it to hurt me, she's just from a different generation when it wasn't common for women to work outside the home. Let it go OP.

This. My grandmother has a thing about day care. She's constantly talking up how great a mother my cousin is because she has a nanny instead of sending her 3 kids to daycare. It's become a joke with my sister and me to lightly provoke our grandmother into a day care rant (which is fairly mild as rants go), and then casually mention that my 2 year old knows her letters or my sister's 18 month old knows her colors, and must have learned that at day care. Whereupon Grandma invariably responds with wonder and amazement at what a great day care we've found. Then the next time we talk it starts over again. (I always wonder what she says to my cousin about us, but cousin and I aren't close so I haven't asked.)

You just have to let it roll off. We all have things we judge others for. Usually silently, but some people like to make it explicit. It's not worth getting riled up over; it won't change her mind and it won't make you feel better.

Ha. My teenagers do this sort of thing to their grandma in a *very* good natured way . They really do adore their grandma and she adores them right back.

[Anonymous]

OP my mom says shit like this and for all the talk of letting it roll off my back, she’s old, etc etc, nothing drives me crazy more. Of course work on forgetting it but I want to leap across the table and be like WTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your DH correct her.

Did he say I am also abandoning them by working? Or is it only the mom?

[Anonymous]

I would've looked at my DH and said, "Did you hear your mom... you abandoned your children since like a working mom, he works, too."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wouldn’t bother you if you didn’t, at some level, feel like you abandoned your kids by working.

Please go away. Adults are talking.

I’m sorry I hit a nerve.

NP. I’ve been a SAHM for 13 years, and your “hit a nerve” remark is laughable. All of this obviously hit a nerve with you. Either you’re some misogynist male that thinks women need to be at home or you’re some martyr SAHM. Obviously I believe staying at home has its benefits, but make no mistake about it...you’re depriving your children of major benefits (401k contributions, 529 contributions, etc.). Some could argue it’s financial abandonment to stay at home so get off your high-horse Karen.

[Anonymous]

All the posters saying who cares..uh it’s kind of offensive and what she’s implying is pretty rude. My MIL is great for the most part but we had her fly in to help when I was really busy at work and working long hours and my husband was traveling for work and I was complaining in a joking way that my daughter smiled at my husband way more than me. MIL without thinking says “well it’s probably because you’re always working!”

Umm you’re here because your SON is traveling for work again but I’m the one that’s never around, ok. It did sting and I didn’t really react but it stuck with me. But I am happy with my choices and my kids are healthy and thriving so whatever.

[Anonymous]

My MIL said this to me when I was freshly back to work (like...two days in) after my first. I called her out on it, she doubled down, and I eventually told her to get the f*** out of my house. My husband read her the riot act, she apologized, and we moved past it. I don’t necessarily advocate such a strong approach (I was so emotional!) but over the long run it worked and my MIL doesn’t mess with me any more. I think she would have never stopped niggling me until she saw a strong reaction back, and she needed to see my husband very firmly go to bat for me. She is one of those MILs who believes a son’s allegiance should be to his mother over his wife (except HER husband of course!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wouldn’t bother you if you didn’t, at some level, feel like you abandoned your kids by working.

Please go away. Adults are talking.

I’m sorry I hit a nerve.

NP. I’ve been a SAHM for 13 years, and your “hit a nerve” remark is laughable. All of this obviously hit a nerve with you. Either you’re some misogynist male that thinks women need to be at home or you’re some martyr SAHM. Obviously I believe staying at home has its benefits, but make no mistake about it...you’re depriving your children of major benefits (401k contributions, 529 contributions, etc.). Some could argue it’s financial abandonment to stay at home so get off your high-horse Karen.

+1

PP you on the other hand seem like a great, level-headed person who is raising great kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have found that as my mother and MIL have aged (now in their eighties), that they have much less of a filter. Their deeply-held beliefs and opinions are voiced more often even when there are people present who could be offended. You are correct to think that she has probably always felt this way about you working. I think you responded appropriately.

No, I don't think that you can assume that she has always felt this way towards Op. It is just the topic of the week. She could have seen something on t.v. that inspired those comments for all you know.

Just this past week my mom announced that she doesn't like ham. Well, I guess that means that we won't be having ham at our holiday meals now. Good to know!

She hasn't always disliked ham but her tastes have changed.

Yet OP’s MIL only backtracked a teeny bit so she didn’t happen to forget momentarily that her DIL worked and apologize for her gaffe. This is not about something minor like a change in taste for a food item.