Spouse asks you to come home from later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d assume the kids we’re doing some sort of Xmas gift project or something.

+1

[Anonymous]

I do this all the time and DH is thrilled. We have a teen and when her friends are over, it’s loud and sometimes messy. I love DH and like to try to give him a lot of attention when he walks through the door. Guests are very distracting. It works great if he can delay 30-60 min so the teens clear out and I can tidy up. The same if I’ve run a lot of errands and have groceries and other things scattered about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and yeah, I'm realizing I offended my spouse. I am the one who asked DH to come home an hour later than usual. He seemed offended and couldn't understand why, and I didn't want to answer specifically because I knew it would only make it worse and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I was just very vague.

Basically I suck at multi-tasking - so while I enjoy playdates, managing a house full of young kids, setting the table, cooking dinner, keeping an eye on them, getting them fed, cleaning up after dinner and all the toys, and maintaining some order while letting them have some fun is about my max of what I can handle. If he came home at his usual time, he would have come home just as I was getting dinner on the table and getting the kids to clean up and come to the table - the most crazy time for me.

Is he also a child? Why could he not help with this?

He's often finishing up work after he gets home - working on his computer, responding to emails, or on phone calls. Also, his way of helping is to be the funny angry yelling dad that everybody beats up on - think Arnold Schwarzenegger in the beginning of kindergarten cop.

Sounds like you married a moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a bit of an inane question, but I'm curious. If your spouse asked you (ONE night) to come home a bit later from work because of an extended playdate and dinner, would you be upset? Spouse was non-specific about why - merely explained that it would make things a little easier for the playdate.

Results seem split.
Some would be upset.
Some wouldn't be upset at all.
SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE!!
People are different - who'd have figured?

[Anonymous]

Duh, he and the kids are making you a present

[Anonymous]

Is this a kids play date or adults?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Duh, he and the kids are making you a present

The OP is the one who asked her spouse to come home later. She isn’t making him a present. There is just going to be a lot of chaos, and he typically expects to be pampered a little and do some work from home the first hour or two after he walks in the door.

[Anonymous]

Naw. I wouldn't care. But I'd wonder what I was doing wrong that made life so unbearable that I'd mess up a play date and dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a kids play date or adults?

Just me and a houseful of kids - no other adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Also, things just get extra crazy when DH comes home. For various reasons.

He usually is short on patience already from his work day, and often has to finish work a bit. Kids are exhausted by end of day, they are trying to get DH's attention in whatever way because they haven't seen him all day, whether positive or negative, and get upset if he's not paying attention. Also DH is the wild fun friend who has a natural talent of bringing out the pent up crazy in kids and part of his routine is to roughhouse with them because it helps him get his frustrations from the day out as well. He also gets a little upset if the kids don't give him a big warm welcome or get excited about him coming home, which I understand, but at the same time, sometimes the kids are just exhausted or distracted. Also kids get extra punchy and borderline rude when their friends are over - especially to DH - it's like they are showing off that they can be rude to their dad for laughs.

So when DH gets home, I feed him and ask him about his day, remind the kids to be respectful to their dad or stop harassing him while he is trying to get his work done. For me, while I'm at my max, it's just extra stuff on my plate I have to manage, and I am not good at managing multiple things at a time.

I am basing this off a recent conversation with my husband...
He probably doesn’t see himself in this way, OP.
In his mind, he runs out of the office to get home early in order to play with the kids and give you a break while you fix dinner. Then he usually has some work to catch up on before you all eat (and you get to see him being the important whatever he is). After that, he feels like super-dad/husband/employee successfully multitasking all three.

Now, you have just told him that not only is he not helpful, not only do you not find the work from home attractive, he is actually stressing you out more. And his super-dad routine that he is so proud of requires you to set up exact conditions for it to be executed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d assume the kids we’re doing some sort of Xmas gift project or something.

+1 Especially this time of year, I'd assume it was present/surprise related.

What's the concern, that they're cheating with the playdate's parent?

[Anonymous]

If he still works for a while after he gets home, then it’s not a big deal to stay an extra hour at the office or stop by Starbucks and complete his work before he gets home. You should have asked nicely, explained that the kids will be more hyper than usual, you’ll probably be frazzled and short tempered, and that he would have a much more relaxing evening if he comes home an hour later and gets to skip the drama. You should have made it clear that this was in his best interest. Unless he’s terribly inflexible, I doubt he’d object if you framed your request this way.

[Anonymous]

I would be upset and worried that it would be a repetitive request to stay out of the house. I would find it odd that my spouse could not manage a simple task, if it were a one off request, and adjust. This would make me question their overall ability to handle life. Of course, I wouldn't be married a person that becomes easily overwhelmed with a temporary change.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, OP = you don't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always ask my spouse to come home a little later if they were going to come home in the middle of bedtime routine. Either come home before bedtime routine or after they’re in bed but not in the middle.

Really? Whenever my spouse comes home at bedtime, it pushes the kids' sleep by at least 30 minutes. Then the kids are crabby and I have to spend longer time putting them to bed. It's not too much to ask that they be considerate of that when the kids are really young.

I'm with you. I'm the one who posted above about DH starting a tickle war after the kids were peacefully tucked in falling asleep. We're still married, but it was a close call after that (I kid. Mostly.) Did you miss that whole long thread a while back? People were outraged at the thought of asking the spouse (usually it's dad) to come before or after bedtime but not in the middle, but I totally get it. Not only is it annoying for the parent who is doing bedtime, it can negatively affect the kids for all of the next day. Not fair to anyone.

What about the father who wants to see his kids?