Spouse asks you to come home from later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the old bitter skeptical and suspicious folks grumbling about how annoying and odd the request is.

What happened to your optimism?
What happened to your faith in the one you love?
Any of you even stop to think your spouse could be setting things up for a surprise romantic evening for you two?

Sheesh.

Because the nature of the request is odd. Telling the spouse that it's easier if they aren't home during the playdate signals that there is something wrong with the spouse.

I've planned surprise things for DH. I ask him to pick me up something from the store. Plus, if ops spouse is hosting a playdate that means they are home and would have time to set.up a surprise without telling them they couldn't come home.

Really? Is it ok to hang out with friends outside of your home without your spouse? Or does that also imply that there is something wrong?

Your comment doesn't make sense. Going out with friends without your spouse is very different from telling your spouse not to come home after work because you're hosting a playdate

It’s exactly the same, just a different location. Spouse wants to hang out with friends without OP.

Well when I do that at home, I don't kick dh out. He's welcome to be in the same house, he just goes to a different room. Do you not allow your spouse in the house at all if you have friends over?

Being out of the house and being in a different room are more or less the same. If I cant tell whether or not he is home, then it doesn’t matter where he is.

Honestly, I don’t really even have to ask. We have a playgroup every Friday afternoon. DH always manages to find something to do that is out of the house. If it was going into the evening, he would probably find something else to do. I can’t imagine he would come in demanding that I make him dinner or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always ask my spouse to come home a little later if they were going to come home in the middle of bedtime routine. Either come home before bedtime routine or after they’re in bed but not in the middle.

This is absurd. It's also hurtful to your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here and yeah, I'm realizing I offended my spouse. I am the one who asked DH to come home an hour later than usual. He seemed offended and couldn't understand why, and I didn't want to answer specifically because I knew it would only make it worse and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I was just very vague.

Basically I suck at multi-tasking - so while I enjoy playdates, managing a house full of young kids, setting the table, cooking dinner, keeping an eye on them, getting them fed, cleaning up after dinner and all the toys, and maintaining some order while letting them have some fun is about my max of what I can handle. If he came home at his usual time, he would have come home just as I was getting dinner on the table and getting the kids to clean up and come to the table - the most crazy time for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see the request as that weird. I love DH and don't think he's annoying at all. I often have playdates with my girl friends and their toddlers. I don't have to ask DH, he just stays down in the basement and doesn't bother us. It is intrusive when he comes in and my toddlers run over to him and want him to pick them up, play with them, want to show him what they made etc. DH usually waves at my friends, asks me if I need anything, and then goes to the basement or to tinker in the garage. I do the same when he has all of his guy friends over for drinks.

99% of the husbands of my friends stay away or go to the basement when there are playdates. But we all have good marriages and I think this OP doesn't seem to have a good marriage.

This is my experience too. I even have a few friends that I met through their husbands, and the husbands still don’t join playdayes. They either go out or retreat to a different part of the house. I honestly can’t say which most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always ask my spouse to come home a little later if they were going to come home in the middle of bedtime routine. Either come home before bedtime routine or after they’re in bed but not in the middle.

This is absurd. It's also hurtful to your kids.

Agree! It's ridiculous. I remember there was as post about this once - and the wife didn't work! She was asking the husband not to come home to see his kids in the house he bought for all of them. Hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and yeah, I'm realizing I offended my spouse. I am the one who asked DH to come home an hour later than usual. He seemed offended and couldn't understand why, and I didn't want to answer specifically because I knew it would only make it worse and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I was just very vague.

Basically I suck at multi-tasking - so while I enjoy playdates, managing a house full of young kids, setting the table, cooking dinner, keeping an eye on them, getting them fed, cleaning up after dinner and all the toys, and maintaining some order while letting them have some fun is about my max of what I can handle. If he came home at his usual time, he would have come home just as I was getting dinner on the table and getting the kids to clean up and come to the table - the most crazy time for me.

Is he also a child? Why could he not help with this?

[Anonymous]

OP again. Also, things just get extra crazy when DH comes home. For various reasons.

He usually is short on patience already from his work day, and often has to finish work a bit. Kids are exhausted by end of day, they are trying to get DH's attention in whatever way because they haven't seen him all day, whether positive or negative, and get upset if he's not paying attention. Also DH is the wild fun friend who has a natural talent of bringing out the pent up crazy in kids and part of his routine is to roughhouse with them because it helps him get his frustrations from the day out as well. He also gets a little upset if the kids don't give him a big warm welcome or get excited about him coming home, which I understand, but at the same time, sometimes the kids are just exhausted or distracted. Also kids get extra punchy and borderline rude when their friends are over - especially to DH - it's like they are showing off that they can be rude to their dad for laughs.

So when DH gets home, I feed him and ask him about his day, remind the kids to be respectful to their dad or stop harassing him while he is trying to get his work done. For me, while I'm at my max, it's just extra stuff on my plate I have to manage, and I am not good at managing multiple things at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the old bitter skeptical and suspicious folks grumbling about how annoying and odd the request is.

What happened to your optimism?
What happened to your faith in the one you love?
Any of you even stop to think your spouse could be setting things up for a surprise romantic evening for you two?

Sheesh.

Because the nature of the request is odd. Telling the spouse that it's easier if they aren't home during the playdate signals that there is something wrong with the spouse.

I've planned surprise things for DH. I ask him to pick me up something from the store. Plus, if ops spouse is hosting a playdate that means they are home and would have time to set.up a surprise without telling them they couldn't come home.

Really? Is it ok to hang out with friends outside of your home without your spouse? Or does that also imply that there is something wrong?

Your comment doesn't make sense. Going out with friends without your spouse is very different from telling your spouse not to come home after work because you're hosting a playdate

It’s exactly the same, just a different location. Spouse wants to hang out with friends without OP.

Well when I do that at home, I don't kick dh out. He's welcome to be in the same house, he just goes to a different room. Do you not allow your spouse in the house at all if you have friends over?

Being out of the house and being in a different room are more or less the same. If I cant tell whether or not he is home, then it doesn’t matter where he is.

Honestly, I don’t really even have to ask. We have a playgroup every Friday afternoon. DH always manages to find something to do that is out of the house. If it was going into the evening, he would probably find something else to do. I can’t imagine he would come in demanding that I make him dinner or anything.

Not really. DH goes up to his office and reads or does whatever. He has never demanded dinner or asked anything of me. He takes care.of himself. But he likes the comfort of relaxing at home vs sitting at a bar.

[Anonymous]

She wasn't done with AP. I'd ask her to get a room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and yeah, I'm realizing I offended my spouse. I am the one who asked DH to come home an hour later than usual. He seemed offended and couldn't understand why, and I didn't want to answer specifically because I knew it would only make it worse and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I was just very vague.

Basically I suck at multi-tasking - so while I enjoy playdates, managing a house full of young kids, setting the table, cooking dinner, keeping an eye on them, getting them fed, cleaning up after dinner and all the toys, and maintaining some order while letting them have some fun is about my max of what I can handle. If he came home at his usual time, he would have come home just as I was getting dinner on the table and getting the kids to clean up and come to the table - the most crazy time for me.

Is he also a child? Why could he not help with this?

He's often finishing up work after he gets home - working on his computer, responding to emails, or on phone calls. Also, his way of helping is to be the funny angry yelling dad that everybody beats up on - think Arnold Schwarzenegger in the beginning of kindergarten cop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Also, things just get extra crazy when DH comes home. For various reasons.

He usually is short on patience already from his work day, and often has to finish work a bit. Kids are exhausted by end of day, they are trying to get DH's attention in whatever way because they haven't seen him all day, whether positive or negative, and get upset if he's not paying attention. Also DH is the wild fun friend who has a natural talent of bringing out the pent up crazy in kids and part of his routine is to roughhouse with them because it helps him get his frustrations from the day out as well. He also gets a little upset if the kids don't give him a big warm welcome or get excited about him coming home, which I understand, but at the same time, sometimes the kids are just exhausted or distracted. Also kids get extra punchy and borderline rude when their friends are over - especially to DH - it's like they are showing off that they can be rude to their dad for laughs.

So when DH gets home, I feed him and ask him about his day, remind the kids to be respectful to their dad or stop harassing him while he is trying to get his work done. For me, while I'm at my max, it's just extra stuff on my plate I have to manage, and I am not good at managing multiple things at a time.

Your DH sounds like a baby. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always ask my spouse to come home a little later if they were going to come home in the middle of bedtime routine. Either come home before bedtime routine or after they’re in bed but not in the middle.

Really? Whenever my spouse comes home at bedtime, it pushes the kids' sleep by at least 30 minutes. Then the kids are crabby and I have to spend longer time putting them to bed. It's not too much to ask that they be considerate of that when the kids are really young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always ask my spouse to come home a little later if they were going to come home in the middle of bedtime routine. Either come home before bedtime routine or after they’re in bed but not in the middle.

Really? Whenever my spouse comes home at bedtime, it pushes the kids' sleep by at least 30 minutes. Then the kids are crabby and I have to spend longer time putting them to bed. It's not too much to ask that they be considerate of that when the kids are really young.

I'm with you. I'm the one who posted above about DH starting a tickle war after the kids were peacefully tucked in falling asleep. We're still married, but it was a close call after that (I kid. Mostly.) Did you miss that whole long thread a while back? People were outraged at the thought of asking the spouse (usually it's dad) to come before or after bedtime but not in the middle, but I totally get it. Not only is it annoying for the parent who is doing bedtime, it can negatively affect the kids for all of the next day. Not fair to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the old bitter skeptical and suspicious folks grumbling about how annoying and odd the request is.

What happened to your optimism?
What happened to your faith in the one you love?
Any of you even stop to think your spouse could be setting things up for a surprise romantic evening for you two?

Sheesh.

Because the nature of the request is odd. Telling the spouse that it's easier if they aren't home during the playdate signals that there is something wrong with the spouse.

I've planned surprise things for DH. I ask him to pick me up something from the store. Plus, if ops spouse is hosting a playdate that means they are home and would have time to set.up a surprise without telling them they couldn't come home.

Really? Is it ok to hang out with friends outside of your home without your spouse? Or does that also imply that there is something wrong?

Your comment doesn't make sense. Going out with friends without your spouse is very different from telling your spouse not to come home after work because you're hosting a playdate

It’s exactly the same, just a different location. Spouse wants to hang out with friends without OP.

Well when I do that at home, I don't kick dh out. He's welcome to be in the same house, he just goes to a different room. Do you not allow your spouse in the house at all if you have friends over?

Being out of the house and being in a different room are more or less the same. If I cant tell whether or not he is home, then it doesn’t matter where he is.

Honestly, I don’t really even have to ask. We have a playgroup every Friday afternoon. DH always manages to find something to do that is out of the house. If it was going into the evening, he would probably find something else to do. I can’t imagine he would come in demanding that I make him dinner or anything.

Not really. DH goes up to his office and reads or does whatever. He has never demanded dinner or asked anything of me. He takes care.of himself. But he likes the comfort of relaxing at home vs sitting at a bar.

I honestly don’t see why you feel that asking your husband to sit alone in his office and not speak to his children is different than asking him to be out of the house.
Those things seem like almost exactly the same request to me, although, frankly, I think the office thing seems worse.

I really can’t imagine that the OP would be upset if she discovered that instead of being out, her husband had been working quietly in his office. She just asked that he not create more work for her. For an hour. Once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always ask my spouse to come home a little later if they were going to come home in the middle of bedtime routine. Either come home before bedtime routine or after they’re in bed but not in the middle.

Really? Whenever my spouse comes home at bedtime, it pushes the kids' sleep by at least 30 minutes. Then the kids are crabby and I have to spend longer time putting them to bed. It's not too much to ask that they be considerate of that when the kids are really young.

I'm with you. I'm the one who posted above about DH starting a tickle war after the kids were peacefully tucked in falling asleep. We're still married, but it was a close call after that (I kid. Mostly.) Did you miss that whole long thread a while back? People were outraged at the thought of asking the spouse (usually it's dad) to come before or after bedtime but not in the middle, but I totally get it. Not only is it annoying for the parent who is doing bedtime, it can negatively affect the kids for all of the next day. Not fair to anyone.

I remember that too. I honestly feel that most of the people on that thread either had helpful spouses who were typically there for bedtime and would actually take over some of the bedtime routine, or they didn’t have children at all.