Sister in law from hell

[Anonymous]

OP do you love your brother? Do you love your niece? All I see in your post is me, me, me, and “I want this, I want that”

No one can completely understand what is going on here based on an internet post. That is true. But ask yourself:

What is best for my brother?

What is best for niece?

What is best for your brother is to work on his marriage without negative extended family input. Odds are high it will work out. If it does not- it happens. But that needs to be his decision and certainly not encouraged by you or your family! What is wrong with you??


And your niece? I will be frank. She is an INFANT. You and the rest of your family matter ZERO right now. Zero. It is in her best interests to have parents who have a good marriage (or who are working on it, or very worst case scenario divorcing as amicably as possible)

You are the picture of selfishness OP. Waaaaah I want to see my niece alone? Waaaah I never get to see my brother! Whose welfare are you thinking of here?! Yours. And your parents. Not your niece, that’s for sure.

Harsh but it is the truth OP. Handle this with “what is best for my niece?” At the forefront of your mind and you simply can’t go wrong. You are NOT doing that currently. Shame on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear your anguish. I see why you are upset. Your SIL sounds possessive and dangerously controlling.

For this giving OP grief, imagine if the genders were reversed. Op’s Sister married a man who won’t let her take calls from her family. He won’t let her participate in family chats. He won’t let her family visit unless he is present. Obviously abisive and sick, right, oP’s SIL is abusive and sick. This is not normal boundaries. This is pathological insecurity and possessiveness.

OP, your brother can’t make this work. He needs to contact a lawyer and work on getting at least half custody of the kid. But he’s gotta figure that out himself. Keep loving him, keep being ther for him. She has isolated him and he needs you. But you can’t fix him...you can mirror back what he tells you in hopes it might give him clarity but you are not responsible for him and n Ed to try you let this go.

My brother was in a similarly abusive marriage with a paranoid, volatile woman. He became more and more isolated from all his friends. She threatened to leave him and take their kids back to her country any time he wanted to see friends or talked to us too much. It’s a longer story but he died by suicide and we hardly ever get to see the children, who are Terri boy emotionally abused by her. I hear in your voice the kind of increasing desperation I felt. Just make sure your brother knows he is not alone and always has you. Make sure he know he has options and doesn’t need to stay married. Make sure he knows that you love him even when she is awful to you. Good luck.

I am sorry you had to experience such a horrific tragedy, but it seems like OP’s situation is different. He brother is hardly isolated - he works with his dad, his family visits him every 2 weeks, they vacation together. OPs family is judgmental and pushy, they destroy their son’s marriage. OP is upset that SIL avoids her, she is writes that she is upset that SIL does not leave her alone with her brother, and so on and so forth.

This s not normal boundary establishment on SIL’s part. OP admits her mother is overbearing, but SIL’s reaction is possessiveness and control. I find my DH’s family annoying and overbearing, but I don’t tell him they can’t call or insist that I be home every time they visit. To the contrary, I relish being able to get out of her and let them have time with our son and DH without them getting on my nerves.

OP’s brother can be isolated while still seeing people. SIL restricts how and when he can communicate with people and she flips out about any perceived slight. Of course he is going to feel less and less able to reach out and confide in his loved ones. My brother lived in a 2-family house with my parents but still felt alone in the world. They’d overhear terrible screaming fights and he would be so ashamed and so humiliated at the abuse he tolerated that he couldn’t talk about it. I’m not projecting my brother onto OP’s; I just see clearly the possessiveness and controlling behavior that any of us would recognize as such if it were a man doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you mom gets a “no” to a visit request 9/10 times, but sees the baby every two weeks, then she is asking almost everyday! I would hide too.

Every two weeks is not that infrequent.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you mom gets a “no” to a visit request 9/10 times, but sees the baby every two weeks, then she is asking almost everyday! I would hide too.

Every two weeks is not that infrequent.

This

Add all the behind-the-back visits and they see the baby a lot. I wish I could get that SIL a drink or at least give her a hug. What a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

I was your sister in law. I felt that my in laws hated me and I never felt comfortable with my in laws. I would have continued this way and honestly I probably would have iced them out as well. I ended up going to therapy to work through these feelings after moving to their area. This resulted in me and my husband having an honest and very difficult conversation with them. In the end, I took ownership for my issues and they also took ownership for their issues and we have moved forward.

[Anonymous]

If I ever told my H that his parents or sister couldn't visit with him and out children while I wasn't around, he's have been at the divorce attorney the next day. And telling him he couldn't be in a group chat with his family? I'm sure he'd love that. SIL is a manipulative bitch. If the brother wants to live like that, let him. But he better keep an eye on what she is emotionally doing to the children. She is not normal or right in the head and I'm sure it doesn't just stop with the brother and her craziness is affecting the children somehow too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

No, European... my mom can be a lot and we all know it, but she is being very careful not to invade SIL’s space. She always asks SIL if she can visit the baby and 9 out 10 is a no. My mom sees the baby maybe once every 2 weeks and they live nearby. My mom understood and she is completely out of their lives. She barely sees them.

If you think that your mother who visits the grandkid every two weeks is barely seeing them, I understand why your SIL thinks your family is ruining the marriage. Way to exaggerate and create drama.

OP here. Maybe I exaggerated. She asks 5 times and gets 4 NOs. She can only stay for half hour max and then she has to leave. Maybe that is normal in this country for grandparents that live 10 minutes from grand kids, but that is not the case for us. Our grandparents took care of us after school everyday. My mom is staying out and doing exactly what SIL wants. But things between my brother and his wife are not getting better.

OP you said SIL is introverted and shy. I really do think your family is too much for her. You need to back off. It doesn't matter what your grandparents did with you. SIL is a different person and will do different things. Your parents are seeing their grandchildren every 2 weeks, that's pretty normal for a lot of families. You may think your family is being nice but you admit they are overbearing - well you have grown up with your parents, your SIL hasn't, she isn't use to them or their ways. She has a quieter shyer personality and probably needs her down time.

If you really love your brother and want the best for him you would stop pushing all your own agendas. You will back off. Give her some space. Stop trying to get your brother to see you without her knowing or present. Stop trying to see their baby without her there. If she gets a sense of that and by the sounds of it she has, she won't trust you. Would you trust someone that only wanted to spend time with your children without you present? Would you trust someone that was trying to keep you in the background with your children?

Just give them some breathing space. Stop asking to see the baby, let them contact you. It might not be as close as you want but your SIL isn't as overbearing as your family is, it's something you will have to accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me with this situation and sorry for the long post
My brother is aN AMAZING super thoughtful person. He is smart, great job, loving, caring and just over all a wonderful person. It’s not just me saying this. He is just a wonderful person to anyone. About 6-7 years ago he meets his current wife. She seemed shy, but nice, good family girl from a small town (we are not American and while I live here, my brother does not). She loves to cook and my brother loved that. She is also a doctor, very proper and likes to dress up and look nice. Since the beginning there were some red flags, but nobody in my family gave too much importance to those. Examples include: 1) their relationship seemed a little too codependent. Literally since my brother met her I have not been able to be alone with him. 2) she did not seem to want to spend time with me or better spent a lot of time “sick” in her room during the only vacation we ever took together. 3) she is very closed minded and does not change her mind. 4) looking back I guess she is also a lot about appearances (takes pictures with her dogs for FB, but never wants to walk them, etc.). All of this was not a big deal until they got married and had a baby. Since then she became the most insecure person on the planet. She found excuses (ridiculous excuses) to exclude me from their lives. She got out of our family’s whatsup chat and my brother “had” to follow. Still today over a year later my brother can’t get back on our family chats because when he tried to bring it up she made a huge drama and did not sleep for 2 nights, etc... it is crazy. I am not able to visit their baby unless she is present (the baby is my only blood niece). She baptized the baby 2 weeks after we left the country (I guess so that my husband, my kids and I could not be present... after being there for 2 months). She also does not want my mom close and of course that breaks my mom’s heart. My brother seems to be somewhat done with her, but is still hoping she will change and become a normal person. I still can’t believe that my brother can’t spend time with his family in person or online... I tried to put my tale in between my legs many times for the sake of my brother and their baby, but nothing I do or say is ever right. If I ask about the daughter I am a bad person because I did not also ask about her, if I ask what her daughter is doing, I am bad because I am comparing her to my kids (I have 3). I have decided to just stay out of everything because I am not helping my brother’s situation I think, but it hurts to see him so sad.
I tried putting myself in her shoes. She is very insecure and probably sees my mom and I as a threat. She is controlling and jealous of my brother and sees maliciousness everyhwere.
Is there anything to do? I will be seeing them again over Christmas... though I am sure she will try to avoid us as much as she can which means that I will have to see my brother without her knowing about it.... I am very sad because my brother really is the best brother, friend, husband and son anyone could vere hope for and he is miserable

What does she need to change her mind about - is it that she doesn't agree with you so you call her close minded.

What on earth happened in these whatsapp chats for her to be so upset, you gloss over it but you say she found excuses to exclude you from their lives. What excuses are those? What did you do or say that she was so hurt over?

She is hurt you ask over the baby and not her. She would not be hurt if you had previously asked about her. I wonder if you have ignored her, ostracised her a little but you are so interested in the baby. I wonder by your actions if you have made it clear to your SIL that you aren't really interested in her, just the baby. At the end of the day would you be comfortable being an incubator for you in-laws. Would you feel ok if they ignored you and just wanted to get to know your child.

Whenever someone says that someone is jealous of them or sees them as a threat I must admit, I see red flags. You are not a threat to her. However I do wonder if you see her as a threat to your family. Are you trying to put her in her place and force her to act in a manner that your family is comfortable with rather than accepting her for who she is.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to see the niece alone? Why are you so desperate to bond with a baby that isn’t yours?

[Anonymous]

Let your brother know you love him and are there for him, but do not bother them. Don’t visit. He needs to save or leave this marriage on his own. Stay away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to see the niece alone? Why are you so desperate to bond with a baby that isn’t yours?

Why don’t any of you have reading comprehrnsion?!?! She is anOT trying to see the baby alone! But SIL will not allow any of DH’s family there unless SHE is there too! So if she is at work, but he is home with the baby, they are not allowed to stop in! Can’t you see how insanely controlling this is? If a man did this - only let his wife’s family visit her and the children when he was there to monitor it - we would be talking divorce immediately. Instead people are abusing OP for being concerned and alarmed!

[Anonymous]

Thread title is accurate, OP. You are the SIL from hell!

To put it succinctly: Get a life.

[Anonymous]

You need to learn how to use paragraph breaks

[Anonymous]

Why did she leave the family chat?

The missing explanations are usually telling.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
Thanks for all the helpful comments. The ones I found helpful suggested I keep doing what I have already been doing; stay out of their lives, but be there for my brother.
Just to clarify once more, I don’t try to see the baby without her present, but unless mom is present, I am not able to see her. If you think this is normal I must come from a different planet because I would never prohibit my husband’s siblings from visiting whether I am there or not.

Also, the only thing she ever got mad at me directly was what happened when their daughter went TOthe hospital and I did not contacted SIL directly to ask how she was doing (my brother had wrote to me to not contact her directly because she was very stressed out... rightfully so). Other than that she has never been upset at me.

She does not directly Tell my brother to not talk or be on our family chat, but when he told her he wants to get back on the chat, they had a huge argument. She told him she has bad anxiety and she did not sleep for two nights... so of course my brother is not back in the chat. I live far away and whatsup is the only way we stay connected. We don’t discuss anything but kids and send videos and pictures. Once she had told him she did not want to see too many videos and pictures of my kids and that is why she did not want to be on the chat... BTw she used to be in this chat, but left after the hospital stay se soon after that.

I am NOT overbearing and my mom is now very aware that she can’t do or say much so she mostly stays away and chits chats when she sees baby and SIL. Imagine that my mom can’t ask to anyone whether baby is eating, sleeping or nothing because SIL gets upsets. sIL sees judgement everywhere so my mom (and I) are always afraid of saying the wrong thing... we basically just talk about the weather and say how cute their daughter is.

At this point I dislike her very much, but this was not the case in the past... we never got a chance to become friends because of the distance, but I liked her... I kid of hate her now for what she is putting my brother through so yes... now I really don’t feel like getting close to her or getting my nails done with her.... but maybe that is exactly what I should be doing...