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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Please help me with this situation and sorry for the long post
My brother is aN AMAZING super thoughtful person. He is smart, great job, loving, caring and just over all a wonderful person. It’s not just me saying this. He is just a wonderful person to anyone. About 6-7 years ago he meets his current wife. She seemed shy, but nice, good family girl from a small town (we are not American and while I live here, my brother does not). She loves to cook and my brother loved that. She is also a doctor, very proper and likes to dress up and look nice. Since the beginning there were some red flags, but nobody in my family gave too much importance to those. Examples include: 1) their relationship seemed a little too codependent. Literally since my brother met her I have not been able to be alone with him. 2) she did not seem to want to spend time with me or better spent a lot of time “sick” in her room during the only vacation we ever took together. 3) [b]she is very closed minded and does not change her mind. [/b]4) looking back I guess she is also a lot about appearances (takes pictures with her dogs for FB, but never wants to walk them, etc.). All of this was not a big deal until they got married and had a baby. Since then she became the most insecure person on the planet. [b]She found excuses (ridiculous excuses) to exclude me from their lives. She got out of our family’s whatsup chat and my brother “had” to follow. Still today over a year later my brother can’t get back on our family chats because when he tried to bring it up she made a huge drama and did not sleep for 2 nights[/b], etc... it is crazy. I am not able to visit their baby unless she is present (the baby is my only blood niece). She baptized the baby 2 weeks after we left the country (I guess so that my husband, my kids and I could not be present... after being there for 2 months). She also does not want my mom close and of course that breaks my mom’s heart. My brother seems to be somewhat done with her, but is still hoping she will change and become a normal person. I still can’t believe that my brother can’t spend time with his family in person or online... I tried to put my tale in between my legs many times for the sake of my brother and their baby, but nothing I do or say is ever right. [b]If I ask about the daughter I am a bad person because I did not also ask about her,[/b] if I ask what her daughter is doing, I am bad because I am comparing her to my kids (I have 3). I have decided to just stay out of everything because I am not helping my brother’s situation I think, but it hurts to see him so sad. 
I tried putting myself in her shoes. [b]She is very insecure and probably sees my mom and I as a threat. [/b]She is controlling and jealous of my brother and sees maliciousness everyhwere. 
Is there anything to do? I will be seeing them again over Christmas... though I am sure she will try to avoid us as much as she can which means that I will have to see my brother without her knowing about it.... I am very sad because my brother really is the best brother, friend, husband and son anyone could vere hope for and he is miserable[/quote]

What does she need to change her mind about - is it that she doesn't agree with you so you call her close minded.

What on earth happened in these whatsapp chats for her to be so upset, you gloss over it but you say she found excuses to exclude you from their lives.  What excuses are those?  What did you do or say that she was so hurt over?

She is hurt you ask over the baby and not her.  She would not be hurt if you had previously asked about her.  I wonder if you have ignored her, ostracised her a little but you are so interested in the baby.  I wonder by your actions if you have made it clear to your SIL that you aren't really interested in her, just the baby.  At the end of the day would you be comfortable being an incubator for you in-laws.  Would you feel ok if they ignored you and just wanted to get to know your child.

Whenever someone says that someone is jealous of them or sees them as a threat I must admit, I see red flags.  You are not a threat to her.  However I do wonder if you see her as a threat to your family.  Are you trying to put her in her place and force her to act in a manner that your family is comfortable with rather than accepting her for who she is.[/quote]

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