Is everyone into polyamory or random kinks or are Slate’s advice columns just weird?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very Normal suburban family here and we are a bit kinky. Love to see DH with other women . So fun.

This is way more than a bit kinky. And how do you actually find other women who want to have sex with your DH while you watch?

This is narcissistic. The PP gets her self confidence from other women "wanting" her husband.

Maybe, but you really have no idea, do you? And if she did, what's wrong with that if it works for them both?

What do you think the motivation is behind it? Purely sexual? No psychological reason?

I know a guy who is into this because he feels his wife should have the best of everything. He feels he can never be an adequate lover and that she should have more than what “he can provide”. It is not narcissistic, he genuinely feels that he owes it to his wife. It creates a weird mental dichotomy for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very Normal suburban family here and we are a bit kinky. Love to see DH with other women . So fun.

This is way more than a bit kinky. And how do you actually find other women who want to have sex with your DH while you watch?

This is narcissistic. The PP gets her self confidence from other women "wanting" her husband.

Maybe, but you really have no idea, do you? And if she did, what's wrong with that if it works for them both?

What do you think the motivation is behind it? Purely sexual? No psychological reason?

I have no idea. It's their deal. I have no reason to analyse it, or them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very Normal suburban family here and we are a bit kinky. Love to see DH with other women . So fun.

This is way more than a bit kinky. And how do you actually find other women who want to have sex with your DH while you watch?

This is narcissistic. The PP gets her self confidence from other women "wanting" her husband.

Maybe, but you really have no idea, do you? And if she did, what's wrong with that if it works for them both?

What do you think the motivation is behind it? Purely sexual? No psychological reason?

I know a guy who is into this because he feels his wife should have the best of everything. He feels he can never be an adequate lover and that she should have more than what “he can provide”. It is not narcissistic, he genuinely feels that he owes it to his wife. It creates a weird mental dichotomy for him.

Yeah, it's almost always the man's idea. Often times it goes no further than his idea. Sometimes a reluctant wife will give in after years indulging it as a fantasy only, and then embrace the idea once she sees what is in it for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kinky people have always existed. Until very recently in the US, it was not discussed openly.

DH and I are kinky. I’m a female submissive masochist. I introduced him to BDSM. We’re also fine, upstanding citizens. Taxpayers. Civil servants. Active in church and neighborhood associations.

I think far more people want to practice long-term monogamy than will ever admit it. Most are probably short-term serial monogamists at heart. Others probably fit into some type of polyamory. U.S. society is not set up to support long-term triads/thrupples or other group relationships. But there are many partnered people practicing some form of non-monogamy, sometimes ethically, sometimes not. DH and are monogamous, but we know a couple people who are not. Interestingly, our kink social circle is almost exclusively monogamous couples. I think the swinger circles here must not overlap much with the kinky ones. Or the local swingers are very vanilla.

I've noticed that people who are into more extreme kinks or consider themselves non-monogamous often greatly exaggerate how common or how many people are like them. It's because people want to see more people like them and not to accept how unusual they are.

I've been around life long enough to notice that there is a very large overlap between emotionally unstable and messy lives and non-monogamy and extreme bedroom activities. I'm not saying this applies to everyone but there's a clear pattern involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kinky people have always existed. Until very recently in the US, it was not discussed openly.

DH and I are kinky. I’m a female submissive masochist. I introduced him to BDSM. We’re also fine, upstanding citizens. Taxpayers. Civil servants. Active in church and neighborhood associations.

I think far more people want to practice long-term monogamy than will ever admit it. Most are probably short-term serial monogamists at heart. Others probably fit into some type of polyamory. U.S. society is not set up to support long-term triads/thrupples or other group relationships. But there are many partnered people practicing some form of non-monogamy, sometimes ethically, sometimes not. DH and are monogamous, but we know a couple people who are not. Interestingly, our kink social circle is almost exclusively monogamous couples. I think the swinger circles here must not overlap much with the kinky ones. Or the local swingers are very vanilla.

I've noticed that people who are into more extreme kinks or consider themselves non-monogamous often greatly exaggerate how common or how many people are like them. It's because people want to see more people like them and not to accept how unusual they are.

I've been around life long enough to notice that there is a very large overlap between emotionally unstable and messy lives and non-monogamy and extreme bedroom activities. I'm not saying this applies to everyone but there's a clear pattern involved.

I'm the PP who posted that I've been in the kinky lifestyle and part of the community and I agree with some of your points. This being an online forum, I think people like to put their sex lives out there and some kinksters are no different. That may seem like they are trying to over-represent the amount of people into it, or make it sound more mainstream than it is. In the same way that reading this forum would have you believe that most couples in this area are in relationships where cheating is common. It's probably more true of people who post on forums that there is a certain verbal exhibitionism they share. From what I've seen, it's not that common while at the same time, I will repeat that it is all around you.

If your spouse likes to have their butt smacked during sex, does that make them a kinky couple? Does it make them, unstable? If so, there are probably a few couples in your social group you wouldn't suspect. They may appear as stable as anyone you know while you point your finger at "those people." those unstable misfits who practice all this "extreme" stuff that will surely never enter your bedroom, even if it occupies the secret desires of your spouse who knows better than to ever bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kinky people have always existed. Until very recently in the US, it was not discussed openly.

DH and I are kinky. I’m a female submissive masochist. I introduced him to BDSM. We’re also fine, upstanding citizens. Taxpayers. Civil servants. Active in church and neighborhood associations.

I think far more people want to practice long-term monogamy than will ever admit it. Most are probably short-term serial monogamists at heart. Others probably fit into some type of polyamory. U.S. society is not set up to support long-term triads/thrupples or other group relationships. But there are many partnered people practicing some form of non-monogamy, sometimes ethically, sometimes not. DH and are monogamous, but we know a couple people who are not. Interestingly, our kink social circle is almost exclusively monogamous couples. I think the swinger circles here must not overlap much with the kinky ones. Or the local swingers are very vanilla.

I've noticed that people who are into more extreme kinks or consider themselves non-monogamous often greatly exaggerate how common or how many people are like them. It's because people want to see more people like them and not to accept how unusual they are.

I've been around life long enough to notice that there is a very large overlap between emotionally unstable and messy lives and non-monogamy and extreme bedroom activities. I'm not saying this applies to everyone but there's a clear pattern involved.

I'm the PP who posted that I've been in the kinky lifestyle and part of the community and I agree with some of your points. This being an online forum, I think people like to put their sex lives out there and some kinksters are no different. That may seem like they are trying to over-represent the amount of people into it, or make it sound more mainstream than it is. In the same way that reading this forum would have you believe that most couples in this area are in relationships where cheating is common. It's probably more true of people who post on forums that there is a certain verbal exhibitionism they share. From what I've seen, it's not that common while at the same time, I will repeat that it is all around you.

If your spouse likes to have their butt smacked during sex, does that make them a kinky couple? Does it make them, unstable? If so, there are probably a few couples in your social group you wouldn't suspect. They may appear as stable as anyone you know while you point your finger at "those people." those unstable misfits who practice all this "extreme" stuff that will surely never enter your bedroom, even if it occupies the secret desires of your spouse who knows better than to ever bring it up.

New poster and also a kinkster. DCUM is so prude sometimes. Engaging in kink or ethical non-monogamy does not mean you're emotionally unstable or have a complicated life any more than the next person. Do you read half the threads in the Relationship forum?? Sounds like there are plenty of (ostensibly) "normal" people who are cheating, or bitching about a lack of sex, or who are emotionally unavailable or straight up have a complete lack of respect for their spouse. If that's normal, I'm cool with being a weirdo.

I'll take my fun, respectful partnership with my spouse any day. We both work our asses off to bring home a little money and take care of our kid. We are still sexual beings who can discuss anything and be vulnerable. We trust each other. I sometimes indulge his kinks. I'm game if it works for him. He listened and agreed to open up the relationship when I proposed it. There are lots of people out there just like us. Open your mind a little.

[impulsejazz]

Anonymous wrote:So I occasionally waste an hour skimming through the various advice columns in Slate (which used to contain actual journalism but now seems mostly to consist of advice columns, to my irritation, but that’s another story). Browsing the Slate columns, I get the impression that absolutely everyone is struggling with issues related to having.... a very, very complicated sexual and emotional life. All the advice seekers seem to be in open relationships with four pansexual trans men or to be exploring polyamory with their ex who’s into bondage or to be trying to decide which sex toy to purchase for their gay male roommate who’s exploring his submissive side but also thinks maybe he’s asexual, except he’s also into swinging.

Okay, I exaggerate slightly. But as cis-gendered, heterosexual Gen X woman in the process of getting divorced, I read all this and I’m like: wow, is that what millennials are like? I feel like I live in a world in which pretty much everyone seems to be in more.... traditional arrangements. Whether gay or straight or bi, pretty much everyone I encounter through work and friends seems to be married or single and looking for a monogamous relationship. I know absolutely no one who talks openly about polyamory or swinging or their open marriage or their sexual tastes.

Granted, as a DC lawyer I probably do not travel in the wildest circles. But since I am getting divorced and may soon be re-entering the dating world (is there such thing as the dating world?), I am trying to figure out what to expect. Is the sexual world as reflected in Slate’s advice columns just where it’s at these days? Or does Slate represent only an unusual subculture?

A fellow Gen Xer has some questions for you if you happened to be near the internet...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kinky people have always existed. Until very recently in the US, it was not discussed openly.

DH and I are kinky. I’m a female submissive masochist. I introduced him to BDSM. We’re also fine, upstanding citizens. Taxpayers. Civil servants. Active in church and neighborhood associations.

I think far more people want to practice long-term monogamy than will ever admit it. Most are probably short-term serial monogamists at heart. Others probably fit into some type of polyamory. U.S. society is not set up to support long-term triads/thrupples or other group relationships. But there are many partnered people practicing some form of non-monogamy, sometimes ethically, sometimes not. DH and are monogamous, but we know a couple people who are not. Interestingly, our kink social circle is almost exclusively monogamous couples. I think the swinger circles here must not overlap much with the kinky ones. Or the local swingers are very vanilla.

I've noticed that people who are into more extreme kinks or consider themselves non-monogamous often greatly exaggerate how common or how many people are like them. It's because people want to see more people like them and not to accept how unusual they are.

I've been around life long enough to notice that there is a very large overlap between emotionally unstable and messy lives and non-monogamy and extreme bedroom activities. I'm not saying this applies to everyone but there's a clear pattern involved.

Most of us have been around life long enough to notice the large overlap between people who make blanket statements about the sex lives of others and those who haven’t had a good orgasm in years, possibly ever.