Is everyone into polyamory or random kinks or are Slate’s advice columns just weird?

[Anonymous]

So I occasionally waste an hour skimming through the various advice columns in Slate (which used to contain actual journalism but now seems mostly to consist of advice columns, to my irritation, but that’s another story). Browsing the Slate columns, I get the impression that absolutely everyone is struggling with issues related to having.... a very, very complicated sexual and emotional life. All the advice seekers seem to be in open relationships with four pansexual trans men or to be exploring polyamory with their ex who’s into bondage or to be trying to decide which sex toy to purchase for their gay male roommate who’s exploring his submissive side but also thinks maybe he’s asexual, except he’s also into swinging.

Okay, I exaggerate slightly. But as cis-gendered, heterosexual Gen X woman in the process of getting divorced, I read all this and I’m like: wow, is that what millennials are like? I feel like I live in a world in which pretty much everyone seems to be in more.... traditional arrangements. Whether gay or straight or bi, pretty much everyone I encounter through work and friends seems to be married or single and looking for a monogamous relationship. I know absolutely no one who talks openly about polyamory or swinging or their open marriage or their sexual tastes.

Granted, as a DC lawyer I probably do not travel in the wildest circles. But since I am getting divorced and may soon be re-entering the dating world (is there such thing as the dating world?), I am trying to figure out what to expect. Is the sexual world as reflected in Slate’s advice columns just where it’s at these days? Or does Slate represent only an unusual subculture?

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Slate wants eyeballs. Look how they caught your attention.

Monogamous relationships are not “news.”

[Anonymous]

Kinky people have always existed. Until very recently in the US, it was not discussed openly.

DH and I are kinky. I’m a female submissive masochist. I introduced him to BDSM. We’re also fine, upstanding citizens. Taxpayers. Civil servants. Active in church and neighborhood associations.

I think far more people want to practice long-term monogamy than will ever admit it. Most are probably short-term serial monogamists at heart. Others probably fit into some type of polyamory. U.S. society is not set up to support long-term triads/thrupples or other group relationships. But there are many partnered people practicing some form of non-monogamy, sometimes ethically, sometimes not. DH and are monogamous, but we know a couple people who are not. Interestingly, our kink social circle is almost exclusively monogamous couples. I think the swinger circles here must not overlap much with the kinky ones. Or the local swingers are very vanilla.

[Anonymous]

Oops, mean to write “don’t want”. Perils of cats in laps.

[Anonymous]

I'm like that but unless we met in that setting, you'd never know because I consider it private. I don't think this is common, but almost all of the people I know in this space aren't sharing that information, so it's more common than it looks.

[Anonymous]

Is kinky anything not missionary?

[Anonymous]

Slate's advice columns are awful and click-bait. Doling out advice to hetero couples with kids from childless gay people and pornstars (and nothing wrong with either but if you don't have kids or have been married for a decade or more, you have no clue what either does to your sex life).

Anyway, most people have non-conventional fantasies, and monogamy is unrealistic for most - but people cheat instead of find ways to manage it in the open.

[Anonymous]

Very Normal suburban family here and we are a bit kinky. Love to see DH with other women . So fun.

[Anonymous]

We don’t involve other people. Outside of that almost every option is on the table.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you OP. I enjoy the dear prudence and kid advice columns but not the sex one. Way too out there for me.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman in my 40s and ethically non-monogamous, it's not something I talk about with many people and I don't think it's something people would guess about me.

[Anonymous]

Guy, late 40s. When you start dating you will discover there are a wide range of ‘options’ available to you. Granted it might not at the same level as Slate advice columns suggest. One of reasons for divorce is where the multi partner marriage didn’t work out for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I occasionally waste an hour skimming through the various advice columns in Slate (which used to contain actual journalism but now seems mostly to consist of advice columns, to my irritation, but that’s another story). Browsing the Slate columns, I get the impression that absolutely everyone is struggling with issues related to having.... a very, very complicated sexual and emotional life. All the advice seekers seem to be in open relationships with four pansexual trans men or to be exploring polyamory with their ex who’s into bondage or to be trying to decide which sex toy to purchase for their gay male roommate who’s exploring his submissive side but also thinks maybe he’s asexual, except he’s also into swinging.

Okay, I exaggerate slightly. But as cis-gendered, heterosexual Gen X woman in the process of getting divorced, I read all this and I’m like: wow, is that what millennials are like? I feel like I live in a world in which pretty much everyone seems to be in more.... traditional arrangements. Whether gay or straight or bi, pretty much everyone I encounter through work and friends seems to be married or single and looking for a monogamous relationship. I know absolutely no one who talks openly about polyamory or swinging or their open marriage or their sexual tastes.

Granted, as a DC lawyer I probably do not travel in the wildest circles. But since I am getting divorced and may soon be re-entering the dating world (is there such thing as the dating world?), I am trying to figure out what to expect. Is the sexual world as reflected in Slate’s advice columns just where it’s at these days? Or does Slate represent only an unusual subculture?

Sampling bias. I mean, if you've been around DCUM long enough, you could draw all manner of (erroneous) conclusions based on the rantings of small and homogenous subset of the general population.

Kinky people are everywhere, and thanks to the Internet people feel free to express themselves sexually. But at the end of the day, I'd be willing to bet the vast majority of people are so starved for intimacy that the regular, vanilla sex would be a godsend.

[Anonymous]

No, but what you will find on the dating apps are a bunch men in "ethically nonmonogamous" relationships which basically means they are cheating on their wives but want to convince you that they have open marriages.