So have we talked about this SAHM in Arlington Profile?

[Anonymous]

I feel like this of one of those articles where the author will look back in 10 years and slightly cringe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think she made it up to write her blog/article to make money. Never once has someone at a store asked me what I do. Bizarre.

Seriously. Particularly at 11:30am on a weekday with a baby in tow, no store clerk is assuming anything other than that you're a stay-at-home mom. It's not some radical choice like the author wants it to be.

Likely it never happened. She needed a jumping off point for an article that she had already written in her head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the SAHMs - you guys just don’t get it (silly to expect otherwise I guess). The point is that employers should promote flexible work policies so there ISN’T a huge fight / freak out about who has to stay home with a sick kid. Not to mention extended maternity/paternity leave policies so parents can be with their infants. The spouses of SAHMs may come home early for dinner when they can, but they are proud of the fact that when push comes to shove, they require no flexibility whatsoever because they have their nanny/personal assistant at home to allow them to work 24/7/365. And companies are set up to reward them.

Those theoretical future flexible work policies do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for couples who have already had children.

You shouldn’t be lecturing others who “just don’t get it,” because your scenario is hypothetical, and you just don’t seem to get that. Silly to expect otherwise, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember one time I was filling out a form for preschool and there was a space for Occupation of both parents. I wrote down my husband's name along with his job title. Without really thinking about it I put "Stay at home mom" next to my name.

The lady who took my form looked it over and said "Oh. You put 'Stay at home mom' under Occupation. How cute."

I guess I was supposed to leave that space blank or write "unemployed"? Maybe I should have written down my former job title - from the job I left to stay at home with my kids?

Yes, that's what a person with common sense would do.

An occupation is a job. A job is a paid position. Those are literally the definitions of those words. Staying at home is not a job because you do not get paid to do it. That doesn't mean it's not a meaningful and wonderful experience. But it is not a job. So if someone asks for your occupation on a form, you leave it blank, because you are not doing something that brings in a salary. Don't take offense to that, it's just literally the question that is being asked.

It was a *preschool* form for goodness sake. I was perfectly fine putting SAHM down as my occupation. I did it the next year, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember one time I was filling out a form for preschool and there was a space for Occupation of both parents. I wrote down my husband's name along with his job title. Without really thinking about it I put "Stay at home mom" next to my name.

The lady who took my form looked it over and said "Oh. You put 'Stay at home mom' under Occupation. How cute."

I guess I was supposed to leave that space blank or write "unemployed"? Maybe I should have written down my former job title - from the job I left to stay at home with my kids?

Yes, that's what a person with common sense would do.

An occupation is a job. A job is a paid position. Those are literally the definitions of those words. Staying at home is not a job because you do not get paid to do it. That doesn't mean it's not a meaningful and wonderful experience. But it is not a job. So if someone asks for your occupation on a form, you leave it blank, because you are not doing something that brings in a salary. Don't take offense to that, it's just literally the question that is being asked.

It was a *preschool* form for goodness sake. I was perfectly fine putting SAHM down as my occupation. I did it the next year, too.

+1

Feeling uncontrollable anxiety about a preschool form or random strangers' comments is a separate issue than being a SAHM. The anxiety will bring toxicity to your life no matter what you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the SAHMs - you guys just don’t get it (silly to expect otherwise I guess). The point is that employers should promote flexible work policies so there ISN’T a huge fight / freak out about who has to stay home with a sick kid. Not to mention extended maternity/paternity leave policies so parents can be with their infants. The spouses of SAHMs may come home early for dinner when they can, but they are proud of the fact that when push comes to shove, they require no flexibility whatsoever because they have their nanny/personal assistant at home to allow them to work 24/7/365. And companies are set up to reward them.

Those theoretical future flexible work policies do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for couples who have already had children.

You shouldn’t be lecturing others who “just don’t get it,” because your scenario is hypothetical, and you just don’t seem to get that. Silly to expect otherwise, I guess.

NP. I appreciate your frustration with how to deal with current experiences of parents with children, and I also appreciate the previous poster's insistence on structural change. Advocacy and activism help make the hypothetical into reality. Employers should be promoting better work policies for all parents and caregivers. I hope the more we say it, the more supervisors and leaders begin to take action.

[Anonymous]

I left my job as a cashier at Costco to be at home. I love to shop here though...

[Anonymous]

I write homemaker...so that I can continue to SAH once kids leave. I am riding the gravy train, though for some reason my DH thinks he is the lucky one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I write homemaker...so that I can continue to SAH once kids leave. I am riding the gravy train, though for some reason my DH thinks he is the lucky one.

I'll probably take an online college class at that point and put "Student" in that spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I write homemaker...so that I can continue to SAH once kids leave. I am riding the gravy train, though for some reason my DH thinks he is the lucky one.

Try harder, troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think she made it up to write her blog/article to make money. Never once has someone at a store asked me what I do. Bizarre.

Seriously. Particularly at 11:30am on a weekday with a baby in tow, no store clerk is assuming anything other than that you're a stay-at-home mom. It's not some radical choice like the author wants it to be.

In her defense, when you first quit work to SAH you don't realize how much of your identity and sense of self comes from what you do for a living. Obviously, when you work full time the better part of your day is going to spent doing work and you are routinely judged for how well you do that work. If you do your job well you can expect to get positive feedback, raises and promotions.

Once you quit to SAH, that positive external feedback suddenly stops, you are stripped of your job title and you step into a role that really isn't valued that greatly by society these days. Unless you are very intrinsically motivated to SAH and are prepared to put in the work required to make it a worthwhile experience you can start to feel a bit devalued as a person. At the same time, you really can't expect for random people like store clerks to care that you SAH or praise you for SAH with your kids. It can feel a little bit thankless because you are dealing 24/7 with cranky babies, explosive diapers, potty training toddlers, colic, stomach bugs and vomit, tantrums, messy playrooms......it's got to be worth it to you or you do start to feel a bit diminished as a person. A critical or dismissive remark from a random adult can rub you the wrong way because you are tired, you have been give, give, giving with no break and no praise. You can start to feel a little bit defensive about your choice to SAH.

At any rate, I get where the author is coming from. But, at the same time, the author is going to have a L-O-N-G 18 years if she expects to get praised for her decision to SAH. This is her personal choice and she either needs to be o.k. with it and get value from it OR she needs to consider returning to her job.

How is being a mom not highly valued? Society touts it as the greatest thing ever. I mean if you are a SAHM with kids in school, yeah you get side eye because it’s generally a sweet gig on someone else’s dime, but you are talking about infant years and everyone looks at that with reverence.

Maybe you’ve at nicer places or are just more accomplished, but I didn’t get that many accolades at work. I did my job, got excellent performance reviews and raises, but it wasn’t like any given month someone would say ‘good job’. And to be somewhat harsh, a lot of SAHM had pretty lower prestige jobs, which is part of why it made sense to stay home rather than pay daycare — and i doubt they were getting huge affirmation there...

Being a mom is highly valued. Being a SAHP not so much, at least by society. When I worked I was one of those employees who came in every day, rolled up their sleeves, got the job done and often went above and beyond as needed without complaint. I wasn't in a super powerful position but I had achieved several promotions within the span of about 5 years, I got always got annual raises so I was doing something right. I was often complimented on my performance by my boss and my coworkers - so tons of external validation. When I quit work to SAH it was like suddenly being in charge of the complaint department with a rather unreasonable, demanding and cranky pants client, lol.

So you were looking from validation from your toddler? Maybe this validation thing is a millennial thing...

I would expect it from your DH, did that not happen? You both should be expressing gratitude to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I write homemaker...so that I can continue to SAH once kids leave. I am riding the gravy train, though for some reason my DH thinks he is the lucky one.

Try harder, troll.

I guess I’m a troll as well. I still write “homemaker”, though I prefer “vacation planner”, because I spend a lot of my time planning our 6-8 weeks of vacation each year. Maybe I will using that!

Also, I’ve been married 10 years and I’ve stayed home most of them. I have no plans of going back. It truly is the gravy train, and he’s as happy as I am.

Vacation planner. I like that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this of one of those articles where the author will look back in 10 years and slightly cringe.

So much this. I'm looking at that article right now and cringing. Get over yourself, lady. No one cares as much as you think they do.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the article but this thread is nuts. I have done all combinations (WOH, WAH, PTWOH, PT WAH, SAH). I don't really get the vitriol or being angry about other people's choices. I have never experienced that in real life. Most people don't like the idea of something, but when it comes to real people they know, they get that lives are complicated and things are not straightforward. There are always compromises.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe it never occurred to the author that the cashier at Costco might have been envious that the author was getting to spend a day with her daughter. Perhaps the cashier had just dropped her daughter off at daycare and was thinking about their next day off. It is generally seen as a nice thing that parents are with their kids. At best its this, at worst its a throw away comment of someone who is just trying to be pleasant with a customer.

A teacher sending their kid to daycare is probably losing money or breaking even. Based solely on economics, its a pretty easy decision. I have lots of teacher friends who take some time off to be at home with their kids. Its also a profession that is FAR easier to re-enter after taking a few years off and your earning potential doesn't suffer much. For people who are in careers that depend on contacts, growing a book of business, etc., staying home to raise kids has a very damaging impact on your future earnings. But that's fine for some families - they can afford it and prioritize time at home with kids. Let's face it, we're not all doing something incredibly profound and good for the world at our jobs like curing cancer and digging wells in Africa. It's crazy how self-righteous some of these comments are. The same people who are preaching flexibility in the work place and damming those who have chosen to be flexible with their career in the absence of employer flexibility.