So have we talked about this SAHM in Arlington Profile?

[Anonymous]

Or they are those who had fewer options because their parents were not educated. or they did not have good schools. Or they left school early to work and help their family. Or they struggled to learn due to learning disabilities.

There are many reasons why people might not finish school or develop the skills to hold a higher paying job. And a fair amount of it does have to do with the family you are born into. While some people are able to over come poverty, many are not. Those people started with fewer options and find it harder to be able to find better paying jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get your general point and agree that the petty drama needs to end. But this "you do you" mentality is ultimately self-serving because it doesn't help those people who don't have choices. We can do more than simply "feel bad" for them and feel thankful for our own privilege.

What are we supposed to do for other people? Sorry you can't afford to take a break from your job but no one is going to pay you to stay home.

Seriously. Boy I would love to get back pay for the 18 years I've been at home- talk about a jackpot! I also would have loved to have traveled before we had kids kids but we were busy working, saving money, paying off debt, having very low/no car payments, living in an affordable apartment in a less sought after area for years, scrimping and saving for a down payment and then buying a less expensive house in a less expensive neighborhood so that we would have financial leeway down the road.

This idea that this all somehow fell out of the sky for us is just...wrong. I've seen too many people who had just as much money as we did choose to do things differently which is totally fine. Just don't complain about how "easy" we had it. Staying home was a choice because we worked hard to make it a choice and we were willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make it feasible. I totally, 100% understand why others may choose differently.

The folks here on DCUM bragging about making enormous 300K+ salaries are not typical. They certainly didn't live in our middle class neighborhood where people were actually living on tight household budgets but often had a SAHP for at least a time while raising their children.

[Anonymous]

Ppl here act like it’s this huge choice between slaving away at 80 hrs a week while kids are shipped off to daycare vs staying at home. In real life it is much more blurred, people leave and re enter the workforce, people work part time, people lean out and choose easier jobs. Sometimes both spouses lean out. And more and more ppl WAH and take flex time so it’s hard to tell who is a SAHP unless you know them or their routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or they are those who had fewer options because their parents were not educated. or they did not have good schools. Or they left school early to work and help their family. Or they struggled to learn due to learning disabilities.

There are many reasons why people might not finish school or develop the skills to hold a higher paying job. And a fair amount of it does have to do with the family you are born into. While some people are able to over come poverty, many are not. Those people started with fewer options and find it harder to be able to find better paying jobs.

Thank you. This was incredibly thoughtful, and definitely includes my experience. I stayed home during the week then worked all weekend for years til our child was old enough for school. My partner has a higher earning job but it wasn’t enough to cover all of our expenses. So we worked opposite schedules for years. I’m now working more but my income is still modest for this area. I’m self employed and a skilled professional, but lack a degree. Life got in the way. Technical school was something I could do and still work. I love my career, I feel fortunate. Money is important, but it isn’t everything.

[Anonymous]

It seems to me she made a few bucks writing an article. Wouldn’t read much more into it than that. I’m pretty sure much online content is generated by stay at home parents who can write a half decent article.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ppl here act like it’s this huge choice between slaving away at 80 hrs a week while kids are shipped off to daycare vs staying at home. In real life it is much more blurred, people leave and re enter the workforce, people work part time, people lean out and choose easier jobs. Sometimes both spouses lean out. And more and more ppl WAH and take flex time so it’s hard to tell who is a SAHP unless you know them or their routine.

Exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ppl here act like it’s this huge choice between slaving away at 80 hrs a week while kids are shipped off to daycare vs staying at home. In real life it is much more blurred, people leave and re enter the workforce, people work part time, people lean out and choose easier jobs. Sometimes both spouses lean out. And more and more ppl WAH and take flex time so it’s hard to tell who is a SAHP unless you know them or their routine.

Exactly

+2 And in all honestly, I never feel there are issues between WOHP and SAHP in real life. Maybe I'm naive but everyone I interact with IRL not DCUM seems to respect each other's career/parenting choices (and frankly not care what those are). On these boards it's always a hotly debated topic though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ppl here act like it’s this huge choice between slaving away at 80 hrs a week while kids are shipped off to daycare vs staying at home. In real life it is much more blurred, people leave and re enter the workforce, people work part time, people lean out and choose easier jobs. Sometimes both spouses lean out. And more and more ppl WAH and take flex time so it’s hard to tell who is a SAHP unless you know them or their routine.

Exactly

+2 And in all honestly, I never feel there are issues between WOHP and SAHP in real life. Maybe I'm naive but everyone I interact with IRL not DCUM seems to respect each other's career/parenting choices (and frankly not care what those are). On these boards it's always a hotly debated topic though.

+3

I have not seen any type of competitive behavior between the working and stay at home parents. It just isn't an issue.

I did chuckle when my sons friends were surprised that I worked. I am fortunate to have a flexible schedule that lets me be home when school is out. Most of his friends were surprised that he went to summer camp because both of his parents work. I have my jealous moments, I would love to be able to have him on the summer swim team or have more time to plan and make nice meals. I would love time to volunteer and be at the school more helping out his class. But I am not interested in giving up my job and that income. I am able to help with his Cub Scout Pack, DH coaches his baseball team. We use meals from Home Chef because I really am bad with meal planning. It all works out. I have no idea if my SAHP friends wish that they were working because they don't discuss it with me. We talk about the kids, books, activities in common, and other things.

Then I come here and there is this "war." It is silly. The sniping is rude and the stereotypes around are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ppl here act like it’s this huge choice between slaving away at 80 hrs a week while kids are shipped off to daycare vs staying at home. In real life it is much more blurred, people leave and re enter the workforce, people work part time, people lean out and choose easier jobs. Sometimes both spouses lean out. And more and more ppl WAH and take flex time so it’s hard to tell who is a SAHP unless you know them or their routine.

It's probably because it's really expensive to live in the DC area (or any coastal city). So the people who do SAH - most likely have husbands who make a LOT of money, like 500k +. If you're making that kind of coin, you have golden handcuffs on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ppl here act like it’s this huge choice between slaving away at 80 hrs a week while kids are shipped off to daycare vs staying at home. In real life it is much more blurred, people leave and re enter the workforce, people work part time, people lean out and choose easier jobs. Sometimes both spouses lean out. And more and more ppl WAH and take flex time so it’s hard to tell who is a SAHP unless you know them or their routine.

It's probably because it's really expensive to live in the DC area (or any coastal city). So the people who do SAH - most likely have husbands who make a LOT of money, like 500k +. If you're making that kind of coin, you have golden handcuffs on.

Not all sahp are wealthy. Some cannot afford daycare and their families squeak by on one income. Even here in DC.

[Anonymous]

Here’s my two cents:

1. Every woman has the right to choose: whether she wants kids, how many kids, etc.; who she builds a family with; and how she raises them.

2. Whatever choice you make, own it! Don’t feel insecure about it. Don’t be hypersensitive and get defensive. And don’t criticize people for making different choices.

Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ppl here act like it’s this huge choice between slaving away at 80 hrs a week while kids are shipped off to daycare vs staying at home. In real life it is much more blurred, people leave and re enter the workforce, people work part time, people lean out and choose easier jobs. Sometimes both spouses lean out. And more and more ppl WAH and take flex time so it’s hard to tell who is a SAHP unless you know them or their routine.

It's probably because it's really expensive to live in the DC area (or any coastal city). So the people who do SAH - most likely have husbands who make a LOT of money, like 500k +. If you're making that kind of coin, you have golden handcuffs on.

Ha. You are confusing SAHMs with Real Housewives of (insert city). Not the same thing - at all! One spends their day changing diapers, cleaning up spit up, running kids around. The other spends their day shopping, lunching with friends and hanging out at each others mansions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ppl here act like it’s this huge choice between slaving away at 80 hrs a week while kids are shipped off to daycare vs staying at home. In real life it is much more blurred, people leave and re enter the workforce, people work part time, people lean out and choose easier jobs. Sometimes both spouses lean out. And more and more ppl WAH and take flex time so it’s hard to tell who is a SAHP unless you know them or their routine.

This is correct. The issue is that SAHMs either a) have husbands who make tons of money and are either chained to their work or claim to be to get out of doing anything around the house and/or b) didn't work long enough / recently enough to gain seniority or flexibility, so they continue to propagate the 'I couldn't possibly work!' mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ppl here act like it’s this huge choice between slaving away at 80 hrs a week while kids are shipped off to daycare vs staying at home. In real life it is much more blurred, people leave and re enter the workforce, people work part time, people lean out and choose easier jobs. Sometimes both spouses lean out. And more and more ppl WAH and take flex time so it’s hard to tell who is a SAHP unless you know them or their routine.

It's probably because it's really expensive to live in the DC area (or any coastal city). So the people who do SAH - most likely have husbands who make a LOT of money, like 500k +. If you're making that kind of coin, you have golden handcuffs on.

No, a lot of SAHMs in this area actually do not have high earning husbands.
Go to an area like Burke, or anywhere in this area with a lot of military wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ppl here act like it’s this huge choice between slaving away at 80 hrs a week while kids are shipped off to daycare vs staying at home. In real life it is much more blurred, people leave and re enter the workforce, people work part time, people lean out and choose easier jobs. Sometimes both spouses lean out. And more and more ppl WAH and take flex time so it’s hard to tell who is a SAHP unless you know them or their routine.

It's probably because it's really expensive to live in the DC area (or any coastal city). So the people who do SAH - most likely have husbands who make a LOT of money, like 500k +. If you're making that kind of coin, you have golden handcuffs on.

Not all sahp are wealthy. Some cannot afford daycare and their families squeak by on one income. Even here in DC.

Correct. The 500k plus crowd is very small among SAHMs, even here. That poster is mistaken. There are plenty of families who try to make it on one salary that is low to moderate because the mom's salary would be washed out by the cost of daycare. I work at a fairly big employer and I often see women who are junior admin assistant types dropping out of the workforce to be SAHMs--not because their husband earns a lot--but because their salary would be washed out by daycare.

Another group of SAHMs around here try to get by on one military salary because of the childcare challeneges invovled when their husband is deployed and with frequent short-notice moves.

If anything, the educated wives of the 500k plus crowd often has the resources to have the best of both worlds and they lean out but continue to work either a really "fun" job with good hours, or where they can come back P/T after leave. At one time, I worked at a very "high gloss" nonprofit, the kind where these people can work a flex schedule that is less than 40 a week but still have hte "prestige" of working among other ivy grads. My team included the wife of a biglaw partner the wife of someone who was a member of congress at the time.