So have we talked about this SAHM in Arlington Profile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the article but this thread is nuts. I have done all combinations (WOH, WAH, PTWOH, PT WAH, SAH). I don't really get the vitriol or being angry about other people's choices. I have never experienced that in real life. Most people don't like the idea of something, but when it comes to real people they know, they get that lives are complicated and things are not straightforward. There are always compromises.

Too many discontent a-holes who like to tear others down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think she made it up to write her blog/article to make money. Never once has someone at a store asked me what I do. Bizarre.

Seriously. Particularly at 11:30am on a weekday with a baby in tow, no store clerk is assuming anything other than that you're a stay-at-home mom. It's not some radical choice like the author wants it to be.

In her defense, when you first quit work to SAH you don't realize how much of your identity and sense of self comes from what you do for a living. Obviously, when you work full time the better part of your day is going to spent doing work and you are routinely judged for how well you do that work. If you do your job well you can expect to get positive feedback, raises and promotions.

Once you quit to SAH, that positive external feedback suddenly stops, you are stripped of your job title and you step into a role that really isn't valued that greatly by society these days. Unless you are very intrinsically motivated to SAH and are prepared to put in the work required to make it a worthwhile experience you can start to feel a bit devalued as a person. At the same time, you really can't expect for random people like store clerks to care that you SAH or praise you for SAH with your kids. It can feel a little bit thankless because you are dealing 24/7 with cranky babies, explosive diapers, potty training toddlers, colic, stomach bugs and vomit, tantrums, messy playrooms......it's got to be worth it to you or you do start to feel a bit diminished as a person. A critical or dismissive remark from a random adult can rub you the wrong way because you are tired, you have been give, give, giving with no break and no praise. You can start to feel a little bit defensive about your choice to SAH.

At any rate, I get where the author is coming from. But, at the same time, the author is going to have a L-O-N-G 18 years if she expects to get praised for her decision to SAH. This is her personal choice and she either needs to be o.k. with it and get value from it OR she needs to consider returning to her job.

How is being a mom not highly valued? Society touts it as the greatest thing ever. I mean if you are a SAHM with kids in school, yeah you get side eye because it’s generally a sweet gig on someone else’s dime, but you are talking about infant years and everyone looks at that with reverence.

Maybe you’ve at nicer places or are just more accomplished, but I didn’t get that many accolades at work. I did my job, got excellent performance reviews and raises, but it wasn’t like any given month someone would say ‘good job’. And to be somewhat harsh, a lot of SAHM had pretty lower prestige jobs, which is part of why it made sense to stay home rather than pay daycare — and i doubt they were getting huge affirmation there...

Being a mom is highly valued. Being a SAHP not so much, at least by society. When I worked I was one of those employees who came in every day, rolled up their sleeves, got the job done and often went above and beyond as needed without complaint. I wasn't in a super powerful position but I had achieved several promotions within the span of about 5 years, I got always got annual raises so I was doing something right. I was often complimented on my performance by my boss and my coworkers - so tons of external validation. When I quit work to SAH it was like suddenly being in charge of the complaint department with a rather unreasonable, demanding and cranky pants client, lol.

So you were looking from validation from your toddler? Maybe this validation thing is a millennial thing...

I would expect it from your DH, did that not happen? You both should be expressing gratitude to each other.

Huh? I'm an older Gen Xer, not a millennial. I think most of my generation knows what it means to get positive feedback from other adults on a job well done. That kind of recognition is nice to get throughout the day. Yes, my husband appreciated me but he was at work. I appreciated him but I was at home with the kids.

I actually don't think it's too hard to grasp that being at home with small children can be an isolating experience. It does get easier as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this of one of those articles where the author will look back in 10 years and slightly cringe.

So much this. I'm looking at that article right now and cringing. Get over yourself, lady. No one cares as much as you think they do.

I think when you're home with an infant after leaving paid work, this sort of naval-gazing is not uncommon--SAH with an infant/toddler can be isolating. No surprise she's thinking about it this much and writing articles.

[Anonymous]

This didn’t need to be published. It’s totally standard to struggle with career/family choices. She’s doing it. She decided. Everything is fine. The Costco thing is not a hardship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This didn’t need to be published. It’s totally standard to struggle with career/family choices. She’s doing it. She decided. Everything is fine. The Costco thing is not a hardship.

eh, if it's o.k. to publish thoughts on achieving work/life balance, why not publish thoughts on this side of the coin, too?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, there’s no way I can get through this whole article. It’s funny because I’m actually in the same exact situation — taught for 7 years before saying at home with one child because I want to. But I’m not hyper sensitive about it or overly cerebral about it. I’m doing it, I may go back to work soon (DS is 2), but I’m not getting into head battles with every stranger I meet at the playground or grocery store.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimate hypocrisy. “The future is female” - so I’ll stay home while a man pays.

I had a lengthy conversation with a sahd yesterday. Feel better?

Was he at home with a son, a woman supporting them both, and crowing “the future is male!?”

I’d say no different were that the case.

If you don’t see the irony in that quote from the article, I can’t help you.

When one person takes care of the children and homefront, that allows the partner to work, including travel, unfettered by childcare and other home-based concerns. There is huge value in that, and it’s the partnership that allows it. They are both supporting the entire family unit. No irony.

Maybe in some SAHM situations. In my case, I see my child as my daytime occupation. If I throw in laundry or dishes, fine, but I’m not home slaving away at the house while DH sits back. He gets home and helps with dishes and laundry and takes the trash out we hire cleaners to come once every 2-3 weeks so neither of us has to scrub toilets. Once DH isn’t home for the night, child duties are split between us, most of the time more heavily in DH’s direction as he often does both bath and bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimate hypocrisy. “The future is female” - so I’ll stay home while a man pays.

I had a lengthy conversation with a sahd yesterday. Feel better?

Was he at home with a son, a woman supporting them both, and crowing “the future is male!?”

I’d say no different were that the case.

If you don’t see the irony in that quote from the article, I can’t help you.

When one person takes care of the children and homefront, that allows the partner to work, including travel, unfettered by childcare and other home-based concerns. There is huge value in that, and it’s the partnership that allows it. They are both supporting the entire family unit. No irony.

Maybe in some SAHM situations. In my case, I see my child as my daytime occupation. If I throw in laundry or dishes, fine, but I’m not home slaving away at the house while DH sits back. He gets home and helps with dishes and laundry and takes the trash out we hire cleaners to come once every 2-3 weeks so neither of us has to scrub toilets. Once DH isn’t home for the night, child duties are split between us, most of the time more heavily in DH’s direction as he often does both bath and bed.

Meant to say once DH *is home* for the night, childcare is split... I wouldn’t say DH is unfettered by child and home concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get asked if I have the day off all the time —
Nurses, dentists, cashiers...

So do I. But it’s just chitchat, no need to take offense or launch into some diatribe. Sometimes I just smile, sometimes I tell them I’m home with my toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So ridiculous. I was home with mine for 25 years. I never one time felt the need to justify my decision. She needs some self-esteem. If your value is connected to a job title or a salary, you suck at life.

Yes, or maybe she should just go back to work. Different strokes.

My husband’s self worth is very much tied up in his job and output both at home and at work, so he will always want to be working at his job and working at home on projects. I think that’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimate hypocrisy. “The future is female” - so I’ll stay home while a man pays.

I had a lengthy conversation with a sahd yesterday. Feel better?

Was he at home with a son, a woman supporting them both, and crowing “the future is male!?”

I’d say no different were that the case.

If you don’t see the irony in that quote from the article, I can’t help you.

When one person takes care of the children and homefront, that allows the partner to work, including travel, unfettered by childcare and other home-based concerns. There is huge value in that, and it’s the partnership that allows it. They are both supporting the entire family unit. No irony.

Maybe in some SAHM situations. In my case, I see my child as my daytime occupation. If I throw in laundry or dishes, fine, but I’m not home slaving away at the house while DH sits back. He gets home and helps with dishes and laundry and takes the trash out we hire cleaners to come once every 2-3 weeks so neither of us has to scrub toilets. Once DH isn’t home for the night, child duties are split between us, most of the time more heavily in DH’s direction as he often does both bath and bed.

Meant to say once DH *is home* for the night, childcare is split... I wouldn’t say DH is unfettered by child and home concerns.

What I meant by that is that the partner earning an income can travel for work, stay late for meetings, head to the office when a kid is sick, not have to come home to meet a contractor, etc. Unfettered in that sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimate hypocrisy. “The future is female” - so I’ll stay home while a man pays.

I had a lengthy conversation with a sahd yesterday. Feel better?

Was he at home with a son, a woman supporting them both, and crowing “the future is male!?”

I’d say no different were that the case.

If you don’t see the irony in that quote from the article, I can’t help you.

When one person takes care of the children and homefront, that allows the partner to work, including travel, unfettered by childcare and other home-based concerns. There is huge value in that, and it’s the partnership that allows it. They are both supporting the entire family unit. No irony.

Maybe in some SAHM situations. In my case, I see my child as my daytime occupation. If I throw in laundry or dishes, fine, but I’m not home slaving away at the house while DH sits back. He gets home and helps with dishes and laundry and takes the trash out we hire cleaners to come once every 2-3 weeks so neither of us has to scrub toilets. Once DH isn’t home for the night, child duties are split between us, most of the time more heavily in DH’s direction as he often does both bath and bed.

Meant to say once DH *is home* for the night, childcare is split... I wouldn’t say DH is unfettered by child and home concerns.

What I meant by that is that the partner earning an income can travel for work, stay late for meetings, head to the office when a kid is sick, not have to come home to meet a contractor, etc. Unfettered in that sense.

This attitude is ridiculous. The kid is not a lump of clay. A child should not be a "datime occupation". This mindset is an issue. Staying home is not. Moms like this are honestly creating monsters and a real PITA themselves. Its not rocket science and hell yeah, you should be doing the laundry. How TF would you not have the time? I have WOHM, SAHM and worked partime and so has my spouse and the one home with the kid does this stuff. That is how it is done. No, it is not fair to refuse to do household chores when you are not earning any income because your child is an "occupation". GTFO yourself.

[Anonymous]

My nail tech asks me sometimes asks me if I’m off from work. I don’t work and I have a PT nanny so I can go get my nails done and work out, etc. I don’t really get offended or care if she thinks I’m lucky or lazy.

I do think it is natural to be in a rut and feel insecure with your choices when you are a first time mom. I went back to work and felt immense guilt. I missed my baby so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimate hypocrisy. “The future is female” - so I’ll stay home while a man pays.

I had a lengthy conversation with a sahd yesterday. Feel better?

Was he at home with a son, a woman supporting them both, and crowing “the future is male!?”

I’d say no different were that the case.

If you don’t see the irony in that quote from the article, I can’t help you.

When one person takes care of the children and homefront, that allows the partner to work, including travel, unfettered by childcare and other home-based concerns. There is huge value in that, and it’s the partnership that allows it. They are both supporting the entire family unit. No irony.

Maybe in some SAHM situations. In my case, I see my child as my daytime occupation. If I throw in laundry or dishes, fine, but I’m not home slaving away at the house while DH sits back. He gets home and helps with dishes and laundry and takes the trash out we hire cleaners to come once every 2-3 weeks so neither of us has to scrub toilets. Once DH isn’t home for the night, child duties are split between us, most of the time more heavily in DH’s direction as he often does both bath and bed.

Meant to say once DH *is home* for the night, childcare is split... I wouldn’t say DH is unfettered by child and home concerns.

What I meant by that is that the partner earning an income can travel for work, stay late for meetings, head to the office when a kid is sick, not have to come home to meet a contractor, etc. Unfettered in that sense.

This attitude is ridiculous. The kid is not a lump of clay. A child should not be a "datime occupation". This mindset is an issue. Staying home is not. Moms like this are honestly creating monsters and a real PITA themselves. Its not rocket science and hell yeah, you should be doing the laundry. How TF would you not have the time? I have WOHM, SAHM and worked partime and so has my spouse and the one home with the kid does this stuff. That is how it is done. No, it is not fair to refuse to do household chores when you are not earning any income because your child is an "occupation". GTFO yourself.

What? I merely said if I have time to put in laundry or wash dishes, I do. If we are doing some special activity and we are out all day, I don’t stress about it. DH and I both do light cleaning at night or if one of us is home. I just said I’m not slaving away at home at housework. I’m not sure how this is so offensive to you. I do choose to stay at home to primarily be with y kid, not so my house can look perfect all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimate hypocrisy. “The future is female” - so I’ll stay home while a man pays.

I had a lengthy conversation with a sahd yesterday. Feel better?

Was he at home with a son, a woman supporting them both, and crowing “the future is male!?”

I’d say no different were that the case.

If you don’t see the irony in that quote from the article, I can’t help you.

When one person takes care of the children and homefront, that allows the partner to work, including travel, unfettered by childcare and other home-based concerns. There is huge value in that, and it’s the partnership that allows it. They are both supporting the entire family unit. No irony.

Maybe in some SAHM situations. In my case, I see my child as my daytime occupation. If I throw in laundry or dishes, fine, but I’m not home slaving away at the house while DH sits back. He gets home and helps with dishes and laundry and takes the trash out we hire cleaners to come once every 2-3 weeks so neither of us has to scrub toilets. Once DH isn’t home for the night, child duties are split between us, most of the time more heavily in DH’s direction as he often does both bath and bed.

Meant to say once DH *is home* for the night, childcare is split... I wouldn’t say DH is unfettered by child and home concerns.

What I meant by that is that the partner earning an income can travel for work, stay late for meetings, head to the office when a kid is sick, not have to come home to meet a contractor, etc. Unfettered in that sense.

This attitude is ridiculous. The kid is not a lump of clay. A child should not be a "datime occupation". This mindset is an issue. Staying home is not. Moms like this are honestly creating monsters and a real PITA themselves. Its not rocket science and hell yeah, you should be doing the laundry. How TF would you not have the time? I have WOHM, SAHM and worked partime and so has my spouse and the one home with the kid does this stuff. That is how it is done. No, it is not fair to refuse to do household chores when you are not earning any income because your child is an "occupation". GTFO yourself.

What? I merely said if I have time to put in laundry or wash dishes, I do. If we are doing some special activity and we are out all day, I don’t stress about it. DH and I both do light cleaning at night or if one of us is home. I just said I’m not slaving away at home at housework. I’m not sure how this is so offensive to you. I do choose to stay at home to primarily be with y kid, not so my house can look perfect all the time.

It is not offensive to me, but moms who insist that they are OMGEnriching their childrens' lives all day every day by staying home and SOBUSYHARDESTBESTJOBEVERAMIRITEWHONEEDSACLEANKICTHENWHENTHEREISLOVINGANDEDUCATINTODO generally suck and raise aholes. I speak from lots of experience. I prefer a mom who stays home, shuts up about it, and can handle keeping her house clean.