So have we talked about this SAHM in Arlington Profile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ultimate hypocrisy. “The future is female” - so I’ll stay home while a man pays.

Wow! I am guessing that you also feel MC on a 350K HHI?

My DH and I got married to be with each other and raise a family together, It worked better for our kids, that a parent remained at home to look after them and a parent worked to bring in the money. Neither my DH nor myself had any doubts about what we wanted, so there were no resentments and second thoughts. Yes, if I would have been making even slightly more money than my DH, he would have stayed home. Anyways, we are a team when it comes to our family and our marriage.

PP, I feel that something substantial went wrong in your whole life for you to feel like this. I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the SAHMs - you guys just don’t get it (silly to expect otherwise I guess). The point is that employers should promote flexible work policies so there ISN’T a huge fight / freak out about who has to stay home with a sick kid. Not to mention extended maternity/paternity leave policies so parents can be with their infants. The spouses of SAHMs may come home early for dinner when they can, but they are proud of the fact that when push comes to shove, they require no flexibility whatsoever because they have their nanny/personal assistant at home to allow them to work 24/7/365. And companies are set up to reward them.

Well, then Sweetie, you got to LEAN IN MORE for all of us! Its a hard fight but since you and your spouse is so enlightened, maybe next time vote for a WORKING WOMAN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has a 9-month old. She’s basically still on her maternity leave. Total over-thinker.

No. She is a typical White female. She does not have her own brain to think about what is best for her family. When someone asks why she is not at work, she feels she needs to justify her choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think she made it up to write her blog/article to make money. Never once has someone at a store asked me what I do. Bizarre.

Seriously. Particularly at 11:30am on a weekday with a baby in tow, no store clerk is assuming anything other than that you're a stay-at-home mom. It's not some radical choice like the author wants it to be.

In her defense, when you first quit work to SAH you don't realize how much of your identity and sense of self comes from what you do for a living. Obviously, when you work full time the better part of your day is going to spent doing work and you are routinely judged for how well you do that work. If you do your job well you can expect to get positive feedback, raises and promotions.

Once you quit to SAH, that positive external feedback suddenly stops, you are stripped of your job title and you step into a role that really isn't valued that greatly by society these days. Unless you are very intrinsically motivated to SAH and are prepared to put in the work required to make it a worthwhile experience you can start to feel a bit devalued as a person. At the same time, you really can't expect for random people like store clerks to care that you SAH or praise you for SAH with your kids. It can feel a little bit thankless because you are dealing 24/7 with cranky babies, explosive diapers, potty training toddlers, colic, stomach bugs and vomit, tantrums, messy playrooms......it's got to be worth it to you or you do start to feel a bit diminished as a person. A critical or dismissive remark from a random adult can rub you the wrong way because you are tired, you have been give, give, giving with no break and no praise. You can start to feel a little bit defensive about your choice to SAH.

At any rate, I get where the author is coming from. But, at the same time, the author is going to have a L-O-N-G 18 years if she expects to get praised for her decision to SAH. This is her personal choice and she either needs to be o.k. with it and get value from it OR she needs to consider returning to her job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs a backbone. My kids are grown and I don’t work. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed.

+1

Only people who are insecure about their choices, which she clearly seems to be since she agonizes over it every second, care what a random stranger thinks. Everyone I know, whether staying at home or working, is secure in their choice and couldn't care less what others think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she made it up to write her blog/article to make money. Never once has someone at a store asked me what I do. Bizarre.

I've been asked this more than a few times and it's probably because I'm dressed in casual clothes and going to the store with my kids in tow during the middle of the day. I didn't take offense to it.

I've been at home for 20 years now and I sometimes get asked if I work. If I say "no" then they'll ask if I'm retired. If I say "no" they then ask if I stay at home. Yep.

I've been home 10 years and never once ask it by a store employee. They were probably being friendly and making conversation.

Yes, I don't take offense because I do think they are just being friendly and I really don't think that they mean anything by it. But I absolutely have been asked this question quite a few times over the years.

Is this a woman thing? I’m a dad, and dress super casual b/c of some medical issues, and often have odd hours for work so take kids to run errands or doctors appointments.

No one in 15 years have ever asked if I had the day off. Is it b/c they assume I work, and thus it is self evident I am taking the day off since I’m like not at work? I guess I just don’t believe this is a real question, like they say it with out thinking and zero interest in any response, at most. Or maybe just OP and PPs misunderstood what was said at all.

I’m a working mom, but have flexible hours and regularly run errands mid day in casual clothes and take kids to doctors’ appointments, grocery store, etc. In nearly 5 years of being a mom, no one has ever asked me if I have the day off.

Same here. I'm at most school events, doctor's appointments, etc. And I usually plan to work at home that day so it's like I'm showing up in a suit with a briefcase. I have had people ask me what I do, which is totally a fair question regardless of whether or not you work. I don't understand people who get all bent out of shape about that question. Someone asked you what you do all day. You could say you stay at home with your kids. Or you're a doctor. Or you play virtual poker. Who cares? Anyone who gets their panties in a twist over that is not someone I'd want to be friends with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember one time I was filling out a form for preschool and there was a space for Occupation of both parents. I wrote down my husband's name along with his job title. Without really thinking about it I put "Stay at home mom" next to my name.

The lady who took my form looked it over and said "Oh. You put 'Stay at home mom' under Occupation. How cute."

I guess I was supposed to leave that space blank or write "unemployed"? Maybe I should have written down my former job title - from the job I left to stay at home with my kids?

Yes, that's what a person with common sense would do.

An occupation is a job. A job is a paid position. Those are literally the definitions of those words. Staying at home is not a job because you do not get paid to do it. That doesn't mean it's not a meaningful and wonderful experience. But it is not a job. So if someone asks for your occupation on a form, you leave it blank, because you are not doing something that brings in a salary. Don't take offense to that, it's just literally the question that is being asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember one time I was filling out a form for preschool and there was a space for Occupation of both parents. I wrote down my husband's name along with his job title. Without really thinking about it I put "Stay at home mom" next to my name.

The lady who took my form looked it over and said "Oh. You put 'Stay at home mom' under Occupation. How cute."

I guess I was supposed to leave that space blank or write "unemployed"? Maybe I should have written down my former job title - from the job I left to stay at home with my kids?

Yes, that's what a person with common sense would do.

An occupation is a job. A job is a paid position. Those are literally the definitions of those words. Staying at home is not a job because you do not get paid to do it. That doesn't mean it's not a meaningful and wonderful experience. But it is not a job. So if someone asks for your occupation on a form, you leave it blank, because you are not doing something that brings in a salary. Don't take offense to that, it's just literally the question that is being asked.

On any type of form where it's required, I answer...
"occupation" = my profession that I have extensive training and experience in
"current employer" = "unemployed"

Someone tried to list "housewife" for me once. Hahaha. No. I'm still an X just not employed at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So ridiculous. I was home with mine for 25 years. I never one time felt the need to justify my decision. She needs some self-esteem. If your value is connected to a job title or a salary, you suck at life.

You had me until your last sentence. Do you not comprehend that people can have multiple things that contribute to the value they think they bring the world? I'd argue that if your value is solely connected to your children, you also suck at life, because there is a lot more to being alive that only being a parent. So it is completely reasonable for people to have their job contribute to their value. It doesn't mean it's the only thing, but it can be something. And you didn't say if your value is SOLELY BASED ON your job title or salary. You simply stated that if anyone's value is related to their job, they suck. I sincerely hope you see the error of your ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think she made it up to write her blog/article to make money. Never once has someone at a store asked me what I do. Bizarre.

Seriously. Particularly at 11:30am on a weekday with a baby in tow, no store clerk is assuming anything other than that you're a stay-at-home mom. It's not some radical choice like the author wants it to be.

In her defense, when you first quit work to SAH you don't realize how much of your identity and sense of self comes from what you do for a living. Obviously, when you work full time the better part of your day is going to spent doing work and you are routinely judged for how well you do that work. If you do your job well you can expect to get positive feedback, raises and promotions.

Once you quit to SAH, that positive external feedback suddenly stops, you are stripped of your job title and you step into a role that really isn't valued that greatly by society these days. Unless you are very intrinsically motivated to SAH and are prepared to put in the work required to make it a worthwhile experience you can start to feel a bit devalued as a person. At the same time, you really can't expect for random people like store clerks to care that you SAH or praise you for SAH with your kids. It can feel a little bit thankless because you are dealing 24/7 with cranky babies, explosive diapers, potty training toddlers, colic, stomach bugs and vomit, tantrums, messy playrooms......it's got to be worth it to you or you do start to feel a bit diminished as a person. A critical or dismissive remark from a random adult can rub you the wrong way because you are tired, you have been give, give, giving with no break and no praise. You can start to feel a little bit defensive about your choice to SAH.

At any rate, I get where the author is coming from. But, at the same time, the author is going to have a L-O-N-G 18 years if she expects to get praised for her decision to SAH. This is her personal choice and she either needs to be o.k. with it and get value from it OR she needs to consider returning to her job.

How is being a mom not highly valued? Society touts it as the greatest thing ever. I mean if you are a SAHM with kids in school, yeah you get side eye because it’s generally a sweet gig on someone else’s dime, but you are talking about infant years and everyone looks at that with reverence.

Maybe you’ve at nicer places or are just more accomplished, but I didn’t get that many accolades at work. I did my job, got excellent performance reviews and raises, but it wasn’t like any given month someone would say ‘good job’. And to be somewhat harsh, a lot of SAHM had pretty lower prestige jobs, which is part of why it made sense to stay home rather than pay daycare — and i doubt they were getting huge affirmation there...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think she made it up to write her blog/article to make money. Never once has someone at a store asked me what I do. Bizarre.

Seriously. Particularly at 11:30am on a weekday with a baby in tow, no store clerk is assuming anything other than that you're a stay-at-home mom. It's not some radical choice like the author wants it to be.

In her defense, when you first quit work to SAH you don't realize how much of your identity and sense of self comes from what you do for a living. Obviously, when you work full time the better part of your day is going to spent doing work and you are routinely judged for how well you do that work. If you do your job well you can expect to get positive feedback, raises and promotions.

Once you quit to SAH, that positive external feedback suddenly stops, you are stripped of your job title and you step into a role that really isn't valued that greatly by society these days. Unless you are very intrinsically motivated to SAH and are prepared to put in the work required to make it a worthwhile experience you can start to feel a bit devalued as a person. At the same time, you really can't expect for random people like store clerks to care that you SAH or praise you for SAH with your kids. It can feel a little bit thankless because you are dealing 24/7 with cranky babies, explosive diapers, potty training toddlers, colic, stomach bugs and vomit, tantrums, messy playrooms......it's got to be worth it to you or you do start to feel a bit diminished as a person. A critical or dismissive remark from a random adult can rub you the wrong way because you are tired, you have been give, give, giving with no break and no praise. You can start to feel a little bit defensive about your choice to SAH.

At any rate, I get where the author is coming from. But, at the same time, the author is going to have a L-O-N-G 18 years if she expects to get praised for her decision to SAH. This is her personal choice and she either needs to be o.k. with it and get value from it OR she needs to consider returning to her job.

How is being a mom not highly valued? Society touts it as the greatest thing ever. I mean if you are a SAHM with kids in school, yeah you get side eye because it’s generally a sweet gig on someone else’s dime, but you are talking about infant years and everyone looks at that with reverence.

Maybe you’ve at nicer places or are just more accomplished, but I didn’t get that many accolades at work. I did my job, got excellent performance reviews and raises, but it wasn’t like any given month someone would say ‘good job’. And to be somewhat harsh, a lot of SAHM had pretty lower prestige jobs, which is part of why it made sense to stay home rather than pay daycare — and i doubt they were getting huge affirmation there...

Being a mom is highly valued. Being a SAHP not so much, at least by society. When I worked I was one of those employees who came in every day, rolled up their sleeves, got the job done and often went above and beyond as needed without complaint. I wasn't in a super powerful position but I had achieved several promotions within the span of about 5 years, I got always got annual raises so I was doing something right. I was often complimented on my performance by my boss and my coworkers - so tons of external validation. When I quit work to SAH it was like suddenly being in charge of the complaint department with a rather unreasonable, demanding and cranky pants client, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think, like a lot of people who post here, she's just way too inside her head. If she got out of her head, she'd realize her daughter doesn't give a shit about her being a role model, because her daughter is a baby.

If she went back to work, almost her entire salary would go to childcare.

Nobody cares that she's staying home. The cashier was just making conversation.

This just made me laugh out loud. I don’t really care whether she works or SAH, but this woman is going to have a loooong 18 years if she is reading this much into a throw away comment by a store cashier.

That made me laugh too.

[Anonymous]

"Different is not better. The women who return to work right away should feel empowered and fulfilled; and so should the women who stay home."

This mealy-mouthed statement upholds patriarchy. She obviously doesn't feel fulfilled but wants an audience to make her feel better.

If you want to feel empowered, then do something that empowers others. We aren't entitled to fulfillment--we need to make it for ourselves (it doesn't matter if we are at home, working, or whatever).

[Anonymous]

Lady, who cares? You think the cashier at Costco is judging you? I am sure she had some limited choices in her life, too. also, teachers don't make enough for it to even make sense to go back to work unless they have a vocation so really, its a smart decision. Now shut up about it. Nobody else really cares except for the sake of arguing on this board.

[Anonymous]

Wow, she just comes off as someone who is incredibly shrill and annoying in real life.