My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re cold, OP.

No, she’s not. As a former “failure to launch” child myself, and who lived with my parents for far too long after school, I can tell you that the best thing to do for this young woman is to offer her two choices: Go back and finish your degree or get a job immediately. I wish I hadn’t been so coddled by my parents. They enabled me and I’ll easily admit that. I missed out on many years of earning the high wage I do earn today just living at their house waiting for something to fall into my lap.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like DH absconded his parenting responsibilities when he left his first wife and child. He had roughly 15% custody of that. He likely now feels guilty for not being a better more involved parent (and if he had DD likely would not be in this predicament now). This is his chance, don’t stand in his way or throw up road blocks. You and DH have the opportunity to teach this girl right. It will take work, it will cut into your quiet time but that is what it takes to parent. Sit down with her, create a plan. Give her the emotional support as well as home to live in. Don’t let her be a freeloader or failure to launch. Make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would you tell your biological 22 year old daughter?

Frankly, 22 isn't ridiculously old to want to move home. I would make any child work, go to school (or trade school), etc. But I would always provide a home for my children. That's what parents do!

Well...my parents had a rule that we all moved out when we were 18 so I'm not sure my opinion would be different. I guess I grew up more independent and have that as my mindset. But you make a good point that parents need to provide a home for their kid. Her problem is she does not want to work. Her mom told us she spends all day at home (no local friends - they're all away at school). She has applied to a few jobs but hasn't had any luck. This would be her first job so she doesn't have any work experience.

I was onboard with letting her move in until I read this. Sounds more like she is using her dad. I am all for giving a lift up to a child who helps themselves, but 22 without school, a degree, or ever having a job is suspect.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the 3 of you (mom, stepmom, and dad, should sit down and brainstorm about a united front and options and ways each of you can help her - resume writing, interviews for internships w/ friends, support for cold calling applications, support for working anywhere (Starbucks, McDs,etc.), expectations/opportunities around college, short-term long-term planning, etc.

At 22, she should be finished w/ college. Has she been living unemployed at bioMom’s for 4 years since HS?

All 3 of you need to focus on helping her creating an independent life where she lives on her own or with roommates and makes her own money.

[Anonymous]

I think you should support him but with certain conditions. Those conditions should be worked out b/t you and him. It sounds like wetting up a plan to get her back in school in January should be one of the conditions. I think applying for jobs and until she's hired, completing chores at the house. This is blood. Not yours but if you love him, you need to understand. I would take a bullet for my kids. This is not a hill you should stand on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - she has been staying with her mom. Her mom has been pressuring her to get a job, and I think that's wearing on her. I think she just wants to escape the pressure at her mom's. I do think she should get a job, but my husband wants to give her a little leeway to figure things out (he hopes she will re-enroll in January).

This tells you that if she moves in with you, she's not going to get a job. Not anytime soon, anyway. And also that your DH is a pushover and his DD knows it.

Well...you did marry a man with a kid, so you never should have counted on that guarantee. Especially before they were all established in adulthood. Your concerns are valid, sure. But your DH has a responsibility to parent his child, and even though she's a young adult it will serve her much better if she has support right now. You certainly don't need to be a doormat, but I do think being generous while helping her launch will go a long way toward family happiness down the road.

This is not a child. This is an adult. Her DH is not responsible for her. Her DH will serve her better if he gives her tough love.

Also want to add that if you say no, it will damage their relationship, which in turn will damage your relationship because he will blame you (rightfully so).

No. If his DD gets angry at her dad, that's on her not the OP.

As much as OP would love to be the "tough love" adult here, that's just not her role.

Yes it is, because she ALSO lives in the house and WILL be affected by the outcome of this decision. And last but not least, her DH does not want to be the tough guy.

Be nice, it’s his daughter! Kindness always wins. You have her Dad, nice house, nice life, think about sharing and just let her come. Maybe she needs you!

What she needs is a good kick in the ass. She is a failure at 22 because of too much "kindness" already.

I think you should support him but with certain conditions.

Any conditions you set will be ignored once she moves in, and you won't be able to do a thing about it. Don't say you weren't warned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not working. 22 years old. Stalled in life right now (never finished college). My husband says we will decide together. I do not want her moving back in with us. He's setting me up to be the bad guy (he knows I do not want her moving back in). What would you do?

Whose house is it?

Generally, I would not want to get between parent and child. If her dad wants his daughter to live with him, it's his call.

[Anonymous]

If she isn’t into drugs or anything self destructive I think you should let her move in- on condition of her working. I would she either needs to be working full time (or as much as she can as full time hrs can be a challenge to get in retail/restaurant work) or in college or a combination of the two.

I can’t imagine she would want to live with you and your husband any longer than absolutely needed. But she needs support now. And she absolutely should take a break from school if she is on a plan to no where. No point in wasting tuition money until she has a firm plan in place for her degree and what she ultimately wants to do.

Is she on psych meds?

[Anonymous]

I think the attitude of you leave at 18 and you can never come back is pretty harsh - especially for a non custodial parent who didn't do a whole lot anyways.

I moved home twice as an adult for short periods. Thankfully my parents were supportive and understanding and didn't have your attitude.

[Anonymous]

Let her move in with a plan. College and job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

Well...you did marry a man with a kid, so you never should have counted on that guarantee. Especially before they were all established in adulthood. Your concerns are valid, sure. But your DH has a responsibility to parent his child, and even though she's a young adult it will serve her much better if she has support right now. You certainly don't need to be a doormat, but I do think being generous while helping her launch will go a long way toward family happiness down the road.

This is not a child. This is a grown up who is not employed in a great economy. And not in school. Mom is urging her to get a job and instead of doing so she is trying to loaf off dad instead

She's only 22, and she's still her DH's child. That never changes. As much as OP would love to be the "tough love" adult here, that's just not her role. The best she can do is go to a family therapist with her DH to figure out some boundaries. But if OP's position is that she will never have to do anything to support her stepchild now that she is over 18 - not good.

OP here. I didn't say i wouldn't support a kid over 18. I was just raised in a family where we had to move out at 18. I have three jobs (one full-time and two part-time) and it is nice to come home and be able to relax with my husband. We've had a certain dynamic in the house for about 4 years now that has been calm and relaxed and that's partially why i am able to keep up my work schedule.

Well you didn't marry your brother so I don't know why you would expect your family rules to apply to other families.

I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's not working. 22 years old. Stalled in life right now (never finished college). My husband says we will decide together. I do not want her moving back in with us. He's setting me up to be the bad guy (he knows I do not want her moving back in). What would you do?

Whose house is it?

Generally, I would not want to get between parent and child. If her dad wants his daughter to live with him, it's his call.

OP lives in the house, too. That makes it not just "his call". Not least because if she sits back and lets DH do whatever he wants, without any input from her, then the presence of his
"failure to launch" adult daughter is going to "get between" OP and DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - she has been staying with her mom. Her mom has been pressuring her to get a job, and I think that's wearing on her. I think she just wants to escape the pressure at her mom's. I do think she should get a job, but my husband wants to give her a little leeway to figure things out (he hopes she will re-enroll in January).

This is aHUGE red flag. If you and your DH are not on the same page about the conditions of her living with you, it will destroy your marriage. You’re going to be the odd one out when your DH agrees with SD that she doesn’t need a job and can stay forever. It will only get harder after she obese in. Figure out exact expectations BEFORE she moves in with you. It’s a good idea to write this down and make it something her mom, dad AND you agree to.

I also think it’s a bad idea to undermine her mom by letting her move in with you without a job plan. Both parents need to be on the same page.

Was gonna say exactly this.

This is not that different to one parent saying no to the child, so then the child goes to the other parent thinking that parent will say yes. I suppose though since they are divorced, they feel they can parent differently. I wonder if that was one of the reasons they divorced.

Your DH and the mom need to have a meeting with your DD together. I think you should be there, but only from the perspective that the decision to allow her into your home impacts you.

FWIW, I don't have a problem with my kids living with me at 22, but not if they aren't making serious attempts to get a job or at least take some classes to get some other skill sets.

My niece is now 29 yrs old, living at home, and STILL doesn't have a regular job. Yes, the niece has been looking, but not that hard. You do not want that to happen.

[Anonymous]

We faced a similar dilemma. Compromised by providing very nice, deluxe tent in backyard (safe, secure, and quite comfortable) and twice-daily access to (indoor) bathroom. TIA

[Anonymous]

I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

Stop it with this babbling nonsense. A 22-year old is not a child.

If you moved your loser adult children into the house, without giving your DH any say in the matter, then your DH would divorce you, and rightly so.