Please help me figure out if I am either the biggest crutch or a total bitch to my adult kids

[Anonymous]

My DW is pregnant with our first (a boy) and we were just talking about all the chores I had to do as kid. And that I was going to expect the same of my son.

By 10 years old I was:
-Washing, drying, and folding my own laundry
-Mowing the lawn and trimming hedges. I didn't get to use the bladed edger until I was 12 or so.
-Washing and drying my dishes when I ate on my own (we had no dishwasher when I was growing up in the early 90s)
-Taking turns to vacuum and mop floors
-Making my own food when I wasn't eating with the rest of the family

Fortunately, my mom cleaned the bathrooms. Which likely explains my hatred and avoidance of cleaning bathrooms as an adult.

The more you force your kids to do, the more they are capable of handling as adults.

[Anonymous]

Biggest crutch - Sorry OP, at least you have time to turn it around. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're doing your adult sons a disservice by treating them like they're kids. Someday their poor wives will be posting "why doesn't my husband every do anything around the house or with the kids, I'm miserable and about to drop from exhaustion" on DCUM or in some other venue. And these guys will be expecting a pristine home and dinner on the table while they lounge around doing nothing, because their mom did it so why can't the wife?

Yes, I am married to one of those sons... well, not quite, but close. MIL is not a great cook and her house was never spotless, but her sons were never expected to lift a finger around the house. My husband has never touched a toilet brush or did a load of laundry. You could say I am enabling him, but it’s a lot harder to re-train a grown man as opposed to teaching a child. Over the years I have gotten him to do some things, but it’s an uphill battle. And I don’t want all of our interactions be me nagging him. I am not going to lie, I strongly dislike my mil for this (well fil too, but it’s a separate post). In OPs case it is probably too late, her kids are grown men, this should have been done before they hit puberty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being a doormat? Good lord, as a PP noted your sons will make terrible spouses. The one who is finding himself should be doing more, but both sons should be cooking and cleaning, helping to run the household. They are adults. Stop serving multiple shifts. When you cook, put the food away after the first round. People who eat after that can microwave their food. You are not a waiter or a restaurateur. Jeez.

All of this. Plus, start charging them rent.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP, must admit it was hard (very) but affirming to read this. I am actually going to show my sons and husband.

It took posting on there to realize how out of whack this is. I had a feeling it was but when you are in the throes of something you just go though the motions. It is going to be a BIG change and one that will take me probably longer than them to get used to.

I guess there is some part of me that loved feeling and being needed, yes to answer someone else I guess I do feel this is but one way I show my love. Even if one comes home late and is eating in the kitchen after we have all eaten I cannot leave him alone in the kitchen as I then "feel bad' he's alone. Crazy right?

I know everyone is right that I am not doing them a service to allow this kind of dependence. A friend recommended me to a therapist to help with this new transition and I called today to make an appt for next week.. Six degrees of separation soon to start. Thank you everyone for telling me what I needed to hear, as tough as it was to read.

[Anonymous]

You just didn’t want to say goodbye to motherhood but I think bows the time to say goodbye to some of these chores

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP, must admit it was hard (very) but affirming to read this. I am actually going to show my sons and husband.

It took posting on there to realize how out of whack this is. I had a feeling it was but when you are in the throes of something you just go though the motions. It is going to be a BIG change and one that will take me probably longer than them to get used to.

I guess there is some part of me that loved feeling and being needed, yes to answer someone else I guess I do feel this is but one way I show my love. Even if one comes home late and is eating in the kitchen after we have all eaten I cannot leave him alone in the kitchen as I then "feel bad' he's alone. Crazy right?

I know everyone is right that I am not doing them a service to allow this kind of dependence. A friend recommended me to a therapist to help with this new transition and I called today to make an appt for next week.. Six degrees of separation soon to start. Thank you everyone for telling me what I needed to hear, as tough as it was to read.

Good luck. And don't let them gaslight you--this setup is not normal these days.

And it's a good thing that you're heading to a therapist. I can tell you that I would have felt smothered if one of my parents felt they needed to hang around while I'm eating when I get home late. It sounds bizarre and most younger folks will be just fine with some quiet and solitude (or scrolling on their phone) as they eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW is pregnant with our first (a boy) and we were just talking about all the chores I had to do as kid. And that I was going to expect the same of my son.

By 10 years old I was:
-Washing, drying, and folding my own laundry
-Mowing the lawn and trimming hedges. I didn't get to use the bladed edger until I was 12 or so.
-Washing and drying my dishes when I ate on my own (we had no dishwasher when I was growing up in the early 90s)
-Taking turns to vacuum and mop floors
-Making my own food when I wasn't eating with the rest of the family

Fortunately, my mom cleaned the bathrooms. Which likely explains my hatred and avoidance of cleaning bathrooms as an adult.

The more you force your kids to do, the more they are capable of handling as adults.

I am just going to keep laughing at your post!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW is pregnant with our first (a boy) and we were just talking about all the chores I had to do as kid. And that I was going to expect the same of my son.

By 10 years old I was:
-Washing, drying, and folding my own laundry
-Mowing the lawn and trimming hedges. I didn't get to use the bladed edger until I was 12 or so.
-Washing and drying my dishes when I ate on my own (we had no dishwasher when I was growing up in the early 90s)
-Taking turns to vacuum and mop floors
-Making my own food when I wasn't eating with the rest of the family

Fortunately, my mom cleaned the bathrooms. Which likely explains my hatred and avoidance of cleaning bathrooms as an adult.

The more you force your kids to do, the more they are capable of handling as adults.

I am just going to keep laughing at your post!

I disagree--this DH has the right idea. You can do all this when they are young. When they grow up doing it, they will continue doing it. The issue with OP is they are grown and have NOT been doing it, so getting them to change will be monumental. Therefore she needs to get them out of her house; they have a chance at changing only out of this environment.

[Anonymous]

Op, you deserve the love of your family vfor who you are, not for what services you provide. And you can show them love without acts of service.

Time for the boys to grow up and for you to recalibrate your relationship with your adult sons.

My kids are 7,9 and they do less than I'd like but they clean their rooms, wipe down bathroom sinks, take out trash, sometimes do laundry (good and out away), vacuum and do dishes.

[Anonymous]

Hugs and support to the OP, I recognize that sometimes for certain people it is very hard to let go and recognize our children as full-fledged adults

My own mother was very much like you and it was extremely difficult for her to like go out even in my purse couple of years of marriage - she had never had a career so it was incredibly difficult for her to have to readjust to finding a new purpose in life

Good luck to you as you try and maneuver this next stage of your life, remember though it is 100% in your son’s best interest to learn to let go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re setting a terrible example for them. Their future wives will not thank you.

Divorce city.

[Anonymous]

As PPs have said, choose a time for dinner. Whoever isn't present then will just have to heat up their plate and clean it up after own their own.
Make them do their own laundry.
Charging rent at $500 seems reasonable (stash it away for them)
6 months notice to move out.
When they have secured a place and are ready to get their furniture etc...surprise them with the rent money you have collected for the past 6 months for them to use towards furnishing their apartments. It will soften any ill feelings of them feeling like they are being kicked out and show them that you really are looking out for their best interest.
Also, to help drive the point, I would purposely join a gym or a type of class that interests you (painting?) to be away 2 - 3 evenings a week. First, because you deserve to take care of yourself and second, they need to be forced to fend for themselves.

You have two grown sons who graduated high school and college. That is something to be proud of. They just need that final nudge into adulthood. You are almost there!

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Op - a slight different scenario but I think you'll gain something from it. DH and I are retired. I decided I needed to lose weight (long overdue) and decided I needed to only be responsible for myself, myself only. No meal planning, cooking, shopping for the 2 or us, like I had always done. Instead, all of that, I do mine. He does his. Result: I have lost 35 pounds in a year. He now cooks for himself, shops for himself .. and he knows when we are about to run out of something, something he needs.

If took time. But he was as spoiled as they come.

Give each kid their own shelf in the frig. If you want to reimburse for groceries, let them give you receipts. Live like roommates would. I truly think, at their age, the way you are doing it, you are doing more harm than good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are setting a horrible example for your sons of expectations and responsibility. They are going to make horrible husbands.