Please help me figure out if I am either the biggest crutch or a total bitch to my adult kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok so here is the real deal, OP: Your kids will not change, and will not start cooking a meal 1-2 nights a week per 21:31's suggestion etc.

And you will not change either.

The dynamic is set, so you need to get them out of your house. It doesn't matter that one is working nearby so "it doesn't make sense" for him to move out. It DOES make sense, because financial or logisitcal is not the only consideration...GROWING UP and BEING INDEPENDENT is more important than the "on paper" considerations.

So get them out.

Many with kids out of the house will tell you that their 30 y.o. is super neat at their own house, but when they come back to their parents' home, it's like they are 16 again and they are messy. It's because those patterns and behaviors are linked to the geography...linked to the house and people (their parents). They go back into that environment and they behave in the old way. So recognizing this should make you understand that in your situation, it would take a mountain of effort to change them if they are still at home.


Separately, a small thing to do to help with the meal situation, in the meantime, is to make the meals at say, 6pm, and put them on 3 plates (DH, and one for each son) and put them on the stovetop, with a clear glass pot lid over each plate (so they can see them). And let the plates sit and whenever they want to eat, they go pick it up, like in a cafeteria. So you are done with making and serving dinner by 6pm and leave it there and don't hover. You can get the dirty dishes in the morning or at a set time (like 9pm). I've done this with my teen kids, who all have crazy schedules, and it has really helped me.

Each son should do his own dishes. It's rinsing and loading the dishwasher with a plate, fork, knife, and spoon, and a glass. And throwing the napkin in the hamper. Leaving them is enabling them.

[Anonymous]

One of the saddest aspects of this is that your sons will not dote on you the way you've doted on them. Once they launch, they will still have the expectations of being taken care of, and resent you for needing them when you are older. They have to learn the joys of giving and caretaking, not just taking. Your job is to teach them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’ll be fine as long as they can afford a full time housekeeper.

Aka the poor woman they eventually end up making their wife slash pseudo mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My 14 year old son has cooked dinner for us multiple times this summer: Indian curries, Japanese tonkatsu , Vietnamese dishes, etc. He is learning to do things around the house. He has significant ADHD, time management and organizational skills do not come easily to him, which makes his efforts all the more appreciated.

You have done your sons, and yourself, a grave disservice. Try to fix it now.

Oh shut the duck up

Don’t hate..sorry your family sucks

[Anonymous]

You're hurting them by doing this for them, and hurting their future spouse.

[Anonymous]

Totally ridiculous, you need to stop. They are not boys, they are grown men using you all the time. What husbands they will make!
My DS is home for the summer from college, he warms up his own meals, he buys his own food, my about to go to college dd makes her own breakfast and all the other meals if she doesn't like what I have, doesn't ask for money for her own food.
Why are you propagating patriarchy and subjugation of women in your own family?

[Anonymous]

Just a word of warning. My MIL coddled one of her adult sons like this -- doing his laundry, cooking meals. They also let him live rent free in a fully furnished downstairs apartment in a major metropolitan area. He finally got married and moved out when he was . . .. . 40! This is the stuff of my nightmares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are setting a horrible example for your sons of expectations and responsibility. They are going to make horrible husbands.

They already make horrible sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are setting a horrible example for your sons of expectations and responsibility. They are going to make horrible husbands.

this. terrible parenting

[Anonymous]

What’s curious to me is that everyone is putting this on OP. HER DH is completely capable of setting an example for his children.

So ironic that we’re constantly telling single mothers that their sones need a male role model, but when there is a male role model, we’re telling mothers they need to teach their sons how to be men.

When do we stop blaming women for how they raise their sons, and start looking at the full parenting unit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally ridiculous, you need to stop. They are not boys, they are grown men using you all the time. What husbands they will make!
My DS is home for the summer from college, he warms up his own meals, he buys his own food, my about to go to college dd makes her own breakfast and all the other meals if she doesn't like what I have, doesn't ask for money for her own food.
Why are you propagating patriarchy and subjugation of women in your own family?

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s curious to me is that everyone is putting this on OP. HER DH is completely capable of setting an example for his children.

So ironic that we’re constantly telling single mothers that their sones need a male role model, but when there is a male role model, we’re telling mothers they need to teach their sons how to be men.

When do we stop blaming women for how they raise their sons, and start looking at the full parenting unit?

You're not wrong, but OP is the one asking. If the OP was a DH complaining that his wife started a new job and now his dinner was late and then she had to cook 2 more times for his layabout sons, there'd be different (and much more heated) responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are setting a horrible example for your sons of expectations and responsibility. They are going to make horrible husbands.

Yep. They should have dinner ready for you!!! Who cares if it doesn't make sense for the 27 year old to live downtown. Start charging him rent August 1st. Give him until 1/1 to find a new place to live. Give him the rent money back when he moves out. He can live in a crappy share apartment with other youngish people. What is the one who just graduated from college doing as far as job hunting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s curious to me is that everyone is putting this on OP. HER DH is completely capable of setting an example for his children.

So ironic that we’re constantly telling single mothers that their sones need a male role model, but when there is a male role model, we’re telling mothers they need to teach their sons how to be men.

When do we stop blaming women for how they raise their sons, and start looking at the full parenting unit?

I did, for one. 22:53 on prior page, I called out both OP and her spouse.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're doing your adult sons a disservice by treating them like they're kids. Someday their poor wives will be posting "why doesn't my husband every do anything around the house or with the kids, I'm miserable and about to drop from exhaustion" on DCUM or in some other venue. And these guys will be expecting a pristine home and dinner on the table while they lounge around doing nothing, because their mom did it so why can't the wife?