Please help me figure out if I am either the biggest crutch or a total bitch to my adult kids

[Anonymous]

This could take a very long time but suffice to say I have two adult children living at home, one of them has just graduated from graduate school and let’s say he’s finding his place I am the kind of person that I devote pretty much 100% of my life to my kids and my family - The other son is home graduated from college a year ago because the job he has happens to be very close to our home and moving downtown does not make sense at this point

I absolutely love My kids and admittedly have revolved my entire life around them. I have started going back to work and generally walking through the door around 5 o’clock, everyone expects dinner And not lonly do they expect dinner but they expect it when they want it True to how I have been my entire life I find myself waiting around to serve the different shifts- my husband walks in and eats let’s say around six but the other two might want dinner around seven or 730, I don’t know why but I can’t bring myself to just serve a plate wrap it up and let them deal with it instead I feel like I need to be there to serve or to them piping hot . As an example and this is precisely what prompted me to write this post tonight my youngest son walked in from a practice or a local basketball league that he had done, I told him dinner was ready he said he was going to take a shower and then he would be 15 minutes. 30 minutes later he still was not down and I found myself just waiting around on him and not being able to leave the food and go and retire and relax myself

Please tell me that this is ridiculous, that I need to put a stop on it immediately because I feel like I need to hear it in order to stop doing it and to validate some of the feelings I’ve been having, I find myself having a very short fuse and losing it very easily because I’m feeling incredibly frustrated and underappreciated. For the record one son is 27 and the other one is 21 - Help!!

[Anonymous]

You are setting a horrible example for your sons of expectations and responsibility. They are going to make horrible husbands.

[Anonymous]

Oh for the love of Pete. Grow a backbone and get these men out of your house. You’re just enabling them and stunting their growth. But I realize that is a huge leap. Start with the meals. Set a time when you and your spouse are eating. If your son’s are not available, they’re on their own for prep AND clean-up.
Please tell me you’re not doing their laundry and that you are charging some rent. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh for the love of Pete. Grow a backbone and get these men out of your house. You’re just enabling them and stunting their growth. But I realize that is a huge leap. Start with the meals. Set a time when you and your spouse are eating. If your son’s are not available, they’re on their own for prep AND clean-up.
Please tell me you’re not doing their laundry and that you are charging some rent. Please.

I am embarrassed to say that no, We are not charging rent, and their laundry is being done, we have a cleaning lady here three days a week and yes she does their laundry. As hard as it is to hear this, it is so good for me I thought I was losing my mind and I vacillate between being a bitch or just being complete crutch- this is validating so thank you

[Anonymous]

Why are you being a doormat? Good lord, as a PP noted your sons will make terrible spouses. The one who is finding himself should be doing more, but both sons should be cooking and cleaning, helping to run the household. They are adults. Stop serving multiple shifts. When you cook, put the food away after the first round. People who eat after that can microwave their food. You are not a waiter or a restaurateur. Jeez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh for the love of Pete. Grow a backbone and get these men out of your house. You’re just enabling them and stunting their growth. But I realize that is a huge leap. Start with the meals. Set a time when you and your spouse are eating. If your son’s are not available, they’re on their own for prep AND clean-up.
Please tell me you’re not doing their laundry and that you are charging some rent. Please.

I am embarrassed to say that no, We are not charging rent, and their laundry is being done, we have a cleaning lady here three days a week and yes she does their laundry. As hard as it is to hear this, it is so good for me I thought I was losing my mind and I vacillate between being a bitch or just being complete crutch- this is validating so thank you

Sit down with your husband and make a plan. Write it down. Then sit down and share with sons. Beginning August 1 and continuing:
—Rent in the amount of $500 is due
—$200 is due for groceries
—They have 6 months to move to a place of their own.
—They are responsible for their own meal prep and clean-up.

[Anonymous]

They are adults. They each cook 1-2 nights a week.

[Anonymous]

You’re setting a terrible example for them. Their future wives will not thank you.

[Anonymous]

the above plus laundry and another rotating task--bathrooms, floors, trash etc. They should have been doing these things since age 5.

[Anonymous]

These young men are totally f-cked.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. You say that your entire life revolves around your kids, and it shows. Do you have any of your own interests? Try developing some of your own hobbies, so that you’re not babying and hovering over your adult sons (I’ve actually never met anyone like this irl).

Also, do you realize that your kids will expect their spouses to wait on them hand and foot, given your example? You sound like hired help instead of a parent.

[Anonymous]

Help me understand why not doing this for adults taking advantage of the largesse you provide would make you a bitch. That line of reasoning makes no sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are setting a horrible example for your sons of expectations and responsibility. They are going to make horrible husbands.

Oh God. The all-men-are-born-greedy-misogynists poster!

You better 'train' your husbands to be better.... housemates.

[Anonymous]

They need to be held to the standard of a responsible adult. Responsible adults don’t freeload off others, they do their share of the work, and they show respect and appreciation for the work others do for them.

Plus, they need to know how to do laundry and clean a bathroom. If you don’t teach them and encourage them to view these things as their job as much as anyone else’s, they will continue to be adults who take advantage of people (which is what they are right now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are setting a horrible example for your sons of expectations and responsibility. They are going to make horrible husbands.

But don’t most mothers spoil their boys rotten? It’s clearly a pattern from what I see.