Please help me figure out if I am either the biggest crutch or a total bitch to my adult kids

[Anonymous]

Ok so here is the real deal, OP: Your kids will not change, and will not start cooking a meal 1-2 nights a week per 21:31's suggestion etc.

And you will not change either.

The dynamic is set, so you need to get them out of your house. It doesn't matter that one is working nearby so "it doesn't make sense" for him to move out. It DOES make sense, because financial or logisitcal is not the only consideration...GROWING UP and BEING INDEPENDENT is more important than the "on paper" considerations.

So get them out.

Many with kids out of the house will tell you that their 30 y.o. is super neat at their own house, but when they come back to their parents' home, it's like they are 16 again and they are messy. It's because those patterns and behaviors are linked to the geography...linked to the house and people (their parents). They go back into that environment and they behave in the old way. So recognizing this should make you understand that in your situation, it would take a mountain of effort to change them if they are still at home.


Separately, a small thing to do to help with the meal situation, in the meantime, is to make the meals at say, 6pm, and put them on 3 plates (DH, and one for each son) and put them on the stovetop, with a clear glass pot lid over each plate (so they can see them). And let the plates sit and whenever they want to eat, they go pick it up, like in a cafeteria. So you are done with making and serving dinner by 6pm and leave it there and don't hover. You can get the dirty dishes in the morning or at a set time (like 9pm). I've done this with my teen kids, who all have crazy schedules, and it has really helped me.

[Anonymous]

For everyone wondering WTF went wrong with all the grown men who can’t handle simple adult tasks like taking care of their own children, this is how they were raised.

OP, you are doing your children a disservice. Not only are you setting them up to have ridiculous expectations if women, they will e nearly 30 before they ever have any responsibility for themselves! Talk about stunted growth! If they ever get married, I would expect divorce talks shortly after the first baby.

[Anonymous]

Look OP it’s obvious that you love your sons more than anything. Right now, the most loving thing you can do for them is give them a kick in the butt. You have a “failure to launch” situation on your hands here. Time for them to leave the nest. They can get roommates etc. Until they leave, they act like adults. They pay rent, they help pay for the housekeeper and other household expenses, they either eat when you’re eating or they make their own food. You have a great opportunity here to mold these young men into responsible adults who can cook, clean and look after themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP, the above posters are basically right but they are being more judgmental than necessary. You're going through something pretty normal: now that you kids are grown, you are reevaluating you how you want to live your life. You are finding that at this stage of your life, patterns and habits that once worked for you no longer work for you. At one point, when your kids were young, making dinner, doing the laundry, etc etc may have been nurturing and made you happy and been appropriate for them. But now, you are older and have different interests and priorities, and they are older and should be expected to pitch in.

I don't think you need to beat yourself up for any of this. I do think you need to think hard about what kind of household you want, and then communicate clearly, lovingly and firmly with your kids and husband about it. But the first step is you figuring out you: do you want you sons living with you? Yes, no, maybe? Under some circumstances but not others? For how long? Do you want to be saying, "I love you but you need to start planning how you're going to be in your own places in x months"? Or is it that you want to say, "It's great to have you around, but you're adults now and I'm working all day and if living together is going to be viable, we need to talk about how everyone pitches in. Here's what I'd like from you...."

That is not mean - it is loving and collaborative, but not enabling. And they may respond much better than you think! Yes, maybe they will resist and drag their heels or get defensive, but maybe they will say, "You know, Mom, I've been feeling guilty about how much you do for us, but telling myself you must like it, but I'm really glad to be having this conversation and in fact I'd really enjoy making dinner a couple times a week," or whatever. Give them a chance: they may surprise you.

If you feel like you either do not know what you want, or you know what you want but can't find the courage to tell them, then I think you should consider seeing a therapist for a while to help you sort out your own feelings and find ways to communicate them more effectively.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For everyone wondering WTF went wrong with all the grown men who can’t handle simple adult tasks like taking care of their own children, this is how they were raised.

OP, you are doing your children a disservice. Not only are you setting them up to have ridiculous expectations if women, they will e nearly 30 before they ever have any responsibility for themselves! Talk about stunted growth! If they ever get married, I would expect divorce talks shortly after the first baby.

+1. OP, you should read the thread on helpless dads—this is your sons’ future, at this rate.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/814905.page

[Anonymous]

My 14 year old son has cooked dinner for us multiple times this summer: Indian curries, Japanese tonkatsu , Vietnamese dishes, etc. He is learning to do things around the house. He has significant ADHD, time management and organizational skills do not come easily to him, which makes his efforts all the more appreciated.

You have done your sons, and yourself, a grave disservice. Try to fix it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My 14 year old son has cooked dinner for us multiple times this summer: Indian curries, Japanese tonkatsu , Vietnamese dishes, etc. He is learning to do things around the house. He has significant ADHD, time management and organizational skills do not come easily to him, which makes his efforts all the more appreciated.

You have done your sons, and yourself, a grave disservice. Try to fix it now.

Well aren’t you the lucky one to have your very own Mario Batali in the house - having a 14-year-old who even knows how to throw toast in the toaster is pretty rare much less serving so many different cultural meals, let’s not make it sound like the normal please!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My 14 year old son has cooked dinner for us multiple times this summer: Indian curries, Japanese tonkatsu , Vietnamese dishes, etc. He is learning to do things around the house. He has significant ADHD, time management and organizational skills do not come easily to him, which makes his efforts all the more appreciated.

You have done your sons, and yourself, a grave disservice. Try to fix it now.

Oh shut the duck up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My 14 year old son has cooked dinner for us multiple times this summer: Indian curries, Japanese tonkatsu , Vietnamese dishes, etc. He is learning to do things around the house. He has significant ADHD, time management and organizational skills do not come easily to him, which makes his efforts all the more appreciated.

You have done your sons, and yourself, a grave disservice. Try to fix it now.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For everyone wondering WTF went wrong with all the grown men who can’t handle simple adult tasks like taking care of their own children, this is how they were raised.

OP, you are doing your children a disservice. Not only are you setting them up to have ridiculous expectations if women, they will e nearly 30 before they ever have any responsibility for themselves! Talk about stunted growth! If they ever get married, I would expect divorce talks shortly after the first baby.

+1. OP, you should read the thread on helpless dads—this is your sons’ future, at this rate.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/814905.page

Exactly!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are setting a horrible example for your sons of expectations and responsibility. They are going to make horrible husbands.

But don’t most mothers spoil their boys rotten? It’s clearly a pattern from what I see.

Not good mothers, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are setting a horrible example for your sons of expectations and responsibility. They are going to make horrible husbands.

But don’t most mothers spoil their boys rotten? It’s clearly a pattern from what I see.

Not good mothers, no.

I’ve never heard of this phenomenon, true story. Where do these women live? I’m assuming SAH suburban moms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For everyone wondering WTF went wrong with all the grown men who can’t handle simple adult tasks like taking care of their own children, this is how they were raised.

OP, you are doing your children a disservice. Not only are you setting them up to have ridiculous expectations if women, they will e nearly 30 before they ever have any responsibility for themselves! Talk about stunted growth! If they ever get married, I would expect divorce talks shortly after the first baby.

+1. OP, you should read the thread on helpless dads—this is your sons’ future, at this rate.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/814905.page

Exactly!!!!!

Agreed. I could always tell the guys whose moms did everything for them. Their expectations of what would be done for them by a gf and future wife was not what I wanted.
I lived with my parents for 7 months after college while temping and then getting my first real job. It was understood that who ever came home first would start dinner. Most of the time it was me so I cooked 3 times a week for the family, did my own laundry, helped with housecleaning and hard work and paid some rent. My then bf lived with his parents and had his mom do everything for him and he only worked. I moved out two years before he did (we broke up before he moved out).

[Anonymous]

Op you need to let these boys grow up. You really are doing them a disservice

[Anonymous]

They need to do their own laundry or pay part of your cleaning lady bill. What are you teaching them responsibilities wise but cooking and laundry for them?? Someone said it earlier, they’ll make terrible husbands.