Please help me figure out if I am either the biggest crutch or a total bitch to my adult kids

[Anonymous]

This really isn't about the sons though is it. My MIL was very much like OP. Loved being needed. It was really all about her and her needs. She found this transition very difficult and held on tight.

It caused major problems for everyone involved and led to years of difficulty with her. The relationship never recovered fully.

I don't think my MIL cared about her relationship with me the DIL, as this OP won't care for her DIL's but it does strain the relationship with the sons as well. It also leads to issues with future grandchildren.

It's good you are getting therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP, must admit it was hard (very) but affirming to read this. I am actually going to show my sons and husband.

It took posting on there to realize how out of whack this is. I had a feeling it was but when you are in the throes of something you just go though the motions. It is going to be a BIG change and one that will take me probably longer than them to get used to.

I guess there is some part of me that loved feeling and being needed, yes to answer someone else I guess I do feel this is but one way I show my love. Even if one comes home late and is eating in the kitchen after we have all eaten I cannot leave him alone in the kitchen as I then "feel bad' he's alone. Crazy right?

I know everyone is right that I am not doing them a service to allow this kind of dependence. A friend recommended me to a therapist to help with this new transition and I called today to make an appt for next week.. Six degrees of separation soon to start. Thank you everyone for telling me what I needed to hear, as tough as it was to read.

The bolded I don't think is crazy. I think the social aspects of eating together are important. I prefer to have a meal together (dinner, anyway. I don't really care about breakfast and lunch). But what does your family think about this? And do you then clean up after them instead of allowing them to clean up after themselves? Would your son/husband LIKE to have a quite meal with a book? We all like that sometimes!

[Anonymous]

OP, I am the poster who stepped back and retired DH is cooking/planning/grocery shopping for his needs. We socialize in the kitchen. Where ever he is in the house we enjoy each other's company. Of course you should enjoy spending time in the kitchen with your loved ones. Now, "can't leave him alone" and that you "feel bad" he's alone is weird, or perhaps just not the exact wording you meant.

[Anonymous]

Has it occurred to you that you completely enabled your sons to the point that they can’t survive on their own - hence two adults now living with you? I’m sorry, but your enabling is kind of pathetic. I agree with the PP who mentioned that they will make horrible husbands and fathers - they will expect the women in their lives to do everything for them. I’m a mother of two young boys and you just highlighted my worst nightmare - raising two boys that can’t take care of themselves or mature appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Help your kids the way you want. My friend is always talking about not footing the bill when her boys grow up, while her parents “gift” her money all the time.

[Anonymous]

I have a daughter and I am specifically warning her against romantic relationships with anyone who is coddled by their mother like your sons, OP. You are shaping their future, and your own, not in a good way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW is pregnant with our first (a boy) and we were just talking about all the chores I had to do as kid. And that I was going to expect the same of my son.

By 10 years old I was:
-Washing, drying, and folding my own laundry
-Mowing the lawn and trimming hedges. I didn't get to use the bladed edger until I was 12 or so.
-Washing and drying my dishes when I ate on my own (we had no dishwasher when I was growing up in the early 90s)
-Taking turns to vacuum and mop floors
-Making my own food when I wasn't eating with the rest of the family

Fortunately, my mom cleaned the bathrooms. Which likely explains my hatred and avoidance of cleaning bathrooms as an adult.

The more you force your kids to do, the more they are capable of handling as adults.

I am just going to keep laughing at your post!

I disagree--this DH has the right idea. You can do all this when they are young. When they grow up doing it, they will continue doing it. The issue with OP is they are grown and have NOT been doing it, so getting them to change will be monumental. Therefore she needs to get them out of her house; they have a chance at changing only out of this environment.

Oh please! We all had some similar idea, putting it into practice is altogether different. Especially in the well off DMV families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW is pregnant with our first (a boy) and we were just talking about all the chores I had to do as kid. And that I was going to expect the same of my son.

By 10 years old I was:
-Washing, drying, and folding my own laundry
-Mowing the lawn and trimming hedges. I didn't get to use the bladed edger until I was 12 or so.
-Washing and drying my dishes when I ate on my own (we had no dishwasher when I was growing up in the early 90s)
-Taking turns to vacuum and mop floors
-Making my own food when I wasn't eating with the rest of the family

Fortunately, my mom cleaned the bathrooms. Which likely explains my hatred and avoidance of cleaning bathrooms as an adult.

The more you force your kids to do, the more they are capable of handling as adults.

I am just going to keep laughing at your post!

I disagree--this DH has the right idea. You can do all this when they are young. When they grow up doing it, they will continue doing it. The issue with OP is they are grown and have NOT been doing it, so getting them to change will be monumental. Therefore she needs to get them out of her house; they have a chance at changing only out of this environment.

Oh please! We all had some similar idea, putting it into practice is altogether different. Especially in the well off DMV families.

He may have the right idea, but I have a policy of not taking parenting advice from someone whose parenting experience to date is limited to ejaculation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW is pregnant with our first (a boy) and we were just talking about all the chores I had to do as kid. And that I was going to expect the same of my son.

By 10 years old I was:
-Washing, drying, and folding my own laundry
-Mowing the lawn and trimming hedges. I didn't get to use the bladed edger until I was 12 or so.
-Washing and drying my dishes when I ate on my own (we had no dishwasher when I was growing up in the early 90s)
-Taking turns to vacuum and mop floors
-Making my own food when I wasn't eating with the rest of the family

Fortunately, my mom cleaned the bathrooms. Which likely explains my hatred and avoidance of cleaning bathrooms as an adult.

The more you force your kids to do, the more they are capable of handling as adults.

I am just going to keep laughing at your post!

I disagree--this DH has the right idea. You can do all this when they are young. When they grow up doing it, they will continue doing it. The issue with OP is they are grown and have NOT been doing it, so getting them to change will be monumental. Therefore she needs to get them out of her house; they have a chance at changing only out of this environment.

Oh please! We all had some similar idea, putting it into practice is altogether different. Especially in the well off DMV families.

He may have the right idea, but I have a policy of not taking parenting advice from someone whose parenting experience to date is limited to ejaculation.

Preach!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has it occurred to you that you completely enabled your sons to the point that they can’t survive on their own - hence two adults now living with you? I’m sorry, but your enabling is kind of pathetic. I agree with the PP who mentioned that they will make horrible husbands and fathers - they will expect the women in their lives to do everything for them. I’m a mother of two young boys and you just highlighted my worst nightmare - raising two boys that can’t take care of themselves or mature appropriately.

LOL I bet they will get a long fine without her doing what she does. Just stop with that oh you are making them horrible husbands crap. OP has mental issues she needs to address and get help with. Her kids will be fine and will lead normal lives. My god just stop with your sexist views. It blinds you to the real issue.

[Anonymous]

I'd be preparing my own meals if I were you. Everyone is old enough to do the same. They can also buy their own ingredients.