Please help me figure out if I am either the biggest crutch or a total bitch to my adult kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My 14 year old son has cooked dinner for us multiple times this summer: Indian curries, Japanese tonkatsu , Vietnamese dishes, etc. He is learning to do things around the house. He has significant ADHD, time management and organizational skills do not come easily to him, which makes his efforts all the more appreciated.

You have done your sons, and yourself, a grave disservice. Try to fix it now.

Oh please give me a break

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My 14 year old son has cooked dinner for us multiple times this summer: Indian curries, Japanese tonkatsu , Vietnamese dishes, etc. He is learning to do things around the house. He has significant ADHD, time management and organizational skills do not come easily to him, which makes his efforts all the more appreciated.

You have done your sons, and yourself, a grave disservice. Try to fix it now.

Oh please give me a break

She’s not wrong! This OP and her spouse haven’t done their kids any favours.

[Anonymous]

God these boys will be a nightmare to be married to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These young men are totally f-cked.

+1

And you won't have a great relationship with your grandkids either because your DILs won't be able to stand you. You need to get a life outside your kids, pronto.

- Mom of boys

[Anonymous]

It’s incredibmy nice you even make dinner! They can eat it warmed up on their time - you should not be waiting on them and serving in shifts. Further, I would ask the two older boys to make a meal once a week for the family. Least they could do, and would teach them some good skills! You definitely need to back off a lot , they will balk but you aren’t doing them any favors with this.

[Anonymous]

My MIL was like you and I was raised with the opposite. I’ve tried to find a middle ground in my parenting style, but I can tell you being married to a man raised like this is a problem. I love my MIL and Early in our marriage, she apologized to me and said she did way too much for my husband growing up. I think she saw how little he was aware or helpful, especially when the kids were little and we were both working.

[Anonymous]

I have a son in his mid 20's. When he visits home, HE COOKS. If for some reason he doesn't cook (like, one of the other kids cook) then HE CLEANS UP.

You are totally nuts. I spoil my kids with my time and attention. I will sit with them while they eat to talk to them, instead of going to watch Netflix.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are just showing love to your sons. Grown men by now. It’s what you did and it feels right, although not so much anymore as you’ve got a job outside the home and find the balance lopsided.

Agree with PPs. They must pay rent and share in household duties. If your DH wasn’t involved in day to day operations no need to involve him as the heavy.

Sit down with the kids. Explain your terms. Carry on. Grown men shouldn’t expect mommy to heat their meals on their clock. Even if you show your love through taking care of them, you may need to grow yourself to help them grow up.

An aside: they’d likely be fine with this arrangement. Perhaps it’s you wanting to cater to them to show your love.

In sum, they have to pay some rent at this age. Otherwise, you’re really creating a launch issue. It could be $100. Must be something. The world won’t be as accommodating as you.

[Anonymous]

Oh goodness, they will be horrible husbands.

You'll whinge here but from what I see most women continue to mollycoddle their babies and then complain deeply that the new DIL isn't doing anything right by their precious little baby. Years of bitching will ensue.

It's easy OP, they are now adults. They can get their own food, do their own laundry and clean up their own mess.

I doubt you'll change a thing though.

[Anonymous]

You’ve got to put your adult sons out to live their life and live yours. You’re not helping them be adults.

[Anonymous]

If you stop treating them like children, they will stop acting like them.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you want them to stay forever, so you don’t want to rock the boat. But you’ve already raised them. It’s your time to do whatever you want, not coddle them.

[Anonymous]

They’ll be fine as long as they can afford a full time housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

I'd worry about less about receiving rent at the moment and focus on finish raising them to be adults. Spend the next 6 months getting them to do their part around the house. After the 6 months, then work on getting them to save up first and last months rent and get them prepared to launch. Aim to have them out in a year.

*My 13 year old cooks dinner once a week.

[Anonymous]

I have a disabled teen and he contributes much more to the household than your spoiled boys. He mows the lawn, does his laundry, empties the dishwasher, makes his own breakfast and is happy with whatever dinner I make him, and does not complain if that is just warming up a plate.

You are doing your sons a terrible disservice by not teaching them responsibility.