S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.. thanks for your responses. I know I’m being irrational I just wish I had family support in the way my SIL and BIL have but you are all right - I should not expect anything and it is my responsibility. I know this but wish I also had access to free child care like they do. ILs are already committed to caring for my nephew so it would cause drama to ask them to watch ours instead. I’m just a bit jealous and it’s not right. I agree with you all. We are saving all we have to pay for daycare and maternity leave over the next year.

You don't have kids, so I'm unclear why you are upset you don't have access to childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am in a similar situation, except I am pregnant. The thing is that my sibling makes my mom do so much more than she can handle. She's almost 70 and has taken care of their kids for an entire summer at a time, even once getting pink eye in both eyes from the kids, but still taking care of them. I couldn't do that to my mom. She already raised kids and she does it because she wants to help out and is worried she won't get access to her grandkids if she refuses. So I won't do that to her. She deserves better. Does it suck that I won't get free childcare? Yes, but life isn't fair, and I would much rather she have her health. It's a shame that my sibling doesn't seem to care, but that is on them.

There is no such thing as MAKING a grown-ass adult do anything.

Might your sister use guilt trips, whining, emotional manipulation to make her case to your mom to get her way? Yeah, absolutely.

Who is in charge of what your mom does and does not do, and how she spends her time?

Wait for it...your mom.

Yes, your mom deserves better. But until she grows up and grows a spine and stops allowing herself to be a doormat, she's going to be used as a doormat. Not actually your sister's fault.

Yup. Doormats will find any excuse to be a doormat.

[Anonymous]

It is usually a pattern already present in the family dynamic. Im the eldest of 4 (2 brothers and 1 step-sister). My step sister had children very early (like teens early) and has had everything done for her- she stayed with my parents with her first, never had to have a job, got a job, got pregnant again, moved in with her boyfriend and my parents paid for the security deposit (which was not refunded), and then they bought a house that she "rents" for 500-800 dollars below market rent. They watch her kids pretty much every weekend for either Friday or Saturday night. The guest bedroom is now Larlas bedroom and they have clothes/swimsuits/shoes, etc for when they stay. They offered to pay for her schooling- she said no. and continues with her minimum wage job that requires subsidization by my parents so either way they are paying for it but she gets with doing less on her part.
My kid will grow up seeing the difference and wonder why just like my brothers and I wondered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am in a similar situation, except I am pregnant. The thing is that my sibling makes my mom do so much more than she can handle. She's almost 70 and has taken care of their kids for an entire summer at a time, even once getting pink eye in both eyes from the kids, but still taking care of them. I couldn't do that to my mom. She already raised kids and she does it because she wants to help out and is worried she won't get access to her grandkids if she refuses. So I won't do that to her. She deserves better. Does it suck that I won't get free childcare? Yes, but life isn't fair, and I would much rather she have her health. It's a shame that my sibling doesn't seem to care, but that is on them.

Some people are Takers, plain and simple. OP, your MIL will give as long as your SIL is a Taker - which will be always. Who taught SIL to be a Taker? You guessed it, your MIL. Be glad you are not her, or either one of them, for that matter!

The point about some people just being takers could not be more true in our family. We had kids at the exact same time as my husband's sister (literally - we each have two kids and each "set" was born a couple weeks apart). My MIL provides free, full-time childcare to her daughter. More than just the weekdays - she's over there helping every weekend too, and in the evenings. We all live in the same area, and we are all high earners (this isn't a money thing). We are lucky if we see my MIL every two months or so because her time is so taken up by SIL.

We would never in a million years expect or want free family childcare. I far prefer paying for our nanny and chosen preschool and getting to be the boss and set everything up in a way that works best for us. We would also never in a million years expect that everything can be, or should be, completely equal as between my husband and his sister (that's just not how life works). But, my SIL monopolizing so much of my MIL's time and energy has real consequences on the extended family dynamic. My MIL is exhausted from catering to every demand of her daughter, and she just does not have the bandwidth to make time for us. She regularly goes eight weeks or more without seeing our children, and we live 20 minutes away from her. When she does make an attempt to see us, her daughter always comes and brings her kids. I am all for cousin time, but my SIL's kids are with my MIL every single day, and as a result they are stuck like glue to MIL so she spends the entire time ignoring our children. Apart from it just being sad that she doesn't really know our kids, my husband is extremely resentful that there is no availability for his mother to ever help us in a "normal" grandparent way - like, maybe a couple times a year she'd come spend the afternoon with our kids so my husband and I could go get lunch together, or maybe we could drop the kids off there for a day when our nanny calls off sick. But we get absolutely nothing (our jobs are about 100x more intense than theirs, too - so we could really use help sometimes!). It really comes down to competency - my MIL was the OG helicopter parent. She is confident that my husband and I can handle our own lives and children (she's correct), while she trained her daughter to be utterly incompetent and doesn't think she could handle it (all signs point to that being correct too). My SIL is completely helpless in all aspects of her life, and I am dreading the day when we are expected to shoulder the burden of MIL's elder care after being treated like chopped liver all these years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.. thanks for your responses. I know I’m being irrational I just wish I had family support in the way my SIL and BIL have but you are all right - I should not expect anything and it is my responsibility. I know this but wish I also had access to free child care like they do. ILs are already committed to caring for my nephew so it would cause drama to ask them to watch ours instead. I’m just a bit jealous and it’s not right. I agree with you all. We are saving all we have to pay for daycare and maternity leave over the next year.

You don't have kids, so I'm unclear why you are upset you don't have access to childcare.

Again I know I’m in the wrong here- it’s my issue that I’m jealous of their help but we want to try but can’t yet in order to save as much as possible. I was just triggered by hearing how they get to buy another car (their third) and tractor because of all the money that are saving from no child care from grandparents. Not my business but it still sucks a bit

[Anonymous]

You don't even have a problem, and are only assuming there will be one in the future.

Stop whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.. thanks for your responses. I know I’m being irrational I just wish I had family support in the way my SIL and BIL have but you are all right - I should not expect anything and it is my responsibility. I know this but wish I also had access to free child care like they do. ILs are already committed to caring for my nephew so it would cause drama to ask them to watch ours instead. I’m just a bit jealous and it’s not right. I agree with you all. We are saving all we have to pay for daycare and maternity leave over the next year.

You don't have kids, so I'm unclear why you are upset you don't have access to childcare.

Again I know I’m in the wrong here- it’s my issue that I’m jealous of their help but we want to try but can’t yet in order to save as much as possible. I was just triggered by hearing how they get to buy another car (their third) and tractor because of all the money that are saving from no child care from grandparents. Not my business but it still sucks a bit

+1

Family handout must be nice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.. thanks for your responses. I know I’m being irrational I just wish I had family support in the way my SIL and BIL have but you are all right - I should not expect anything and it is my responsibility. I know this but wish I also had access to free child care like they do. ILs are already committed to caring for my nephew so it would cause drama to ask them to watch ours instead. I’m just a bit jealous and it’s not right. I agree with you all. We are saving all we have to pay for daycare and maternity leave over the next year.

You don't have kids, so I'm unclear why you are upset you don't have access to childcare.

Again I know I’m in the wrong here- it’s my issue that I’m jealous of their help but we want to try but can’t yet in order to save as much as possible. I was just triggered by hearing how they get to buy another car (their third) and tractor because of all the money that are saving from no child care from grandparents. Not my business but it still sucks a bit

Maybe they are also working and earning money to pay for what they have.
You do not have a childcare problem, you have a jealousy problem. You need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.. thanks for your responses. I know I’m being irrational I just wish I had family support in the way my SIL and BIL have but you are all right - I should not expect anything and it is my responsibility. I know this but wish I also had access to free child care like they do. ILs are already committed to caring for my nephew so it would cause drama to ask them to watch ours instead. I’m just a bit jealous and it’s not right. I agree with you all. We are saving all we have to pay for daycare and maternity leave over the next year.

You don't have kids, so I'm unclear why you are upset you don't have access to childcare.

Again I know I’m in the wrong here- it’s my issue that I’m jealous of their help but we want to try but can’t yet in order to save as much as possible. I was just triggered by hearing how they get to buy another car (their third) and tractor because of all the money that are saving from no child care from grandparents. Not my business but it still sucks a bit

Maybe they are also working and earning money to pay for what they have.
You do not have a childcare problem, you have a jealousy problem. You need to grow up.

She’s jealous as you would be if you parents handed on of your siblings 25k a year and left you high and dry... similar to inheritance issues

[Anonymous]

For both me and DH, our mothers are providing tons of assistance, in various ways, to our younger siblings. And, yes, it is unfair in a strict "one for you, one for me" sense. But, our siblings are disasters. Having kids much too young, having too many kids, not interested in parenting at all, unstable living situations.....you get the picture. DH and I have our $hit together. We don't need all the hand holding and support our siblings get. Still sucks to see, and it sucks that our kid gets short-changed as a result, but as I remind myself, "at least I'm not a hot mess."

Besides, we couldn't handle having our moms that enmeshed in our lives. That would be awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.. thanks for your responses. I know I’m being irrational I just wish I had family support in the way my SIL and BIL have but you are all right - I should not expect anything and it is my responsibility. I know this but wish I also had access to free child care like they do. ILs are already committed to caring for my nephew so it would cause drama to ask them to watch ours instead. I’m just a bit jealous and it’s not right. I agree with you all. We are saving all we have to pay for daycare and maternity leave over the next year.

You don't have kids, so I'm unclear why you are upset you don't have access to childcare.

Again I know I’m in the wrong here- it’s my issue that I’m jealous of their help but we want to try but can’t yet in order to save as much as possible. I was just triggered by hearing how they get to buy another car (their third) and tractor because of all the money that are saving from no child care from grandparents. Not my business but it still sucks a bit

Maybe they are also working and earning money to pay for what they have.
You do not have a childcare problem, you have a jealousy problem. You need to grow up.

She’s jealous as you would be if you parents handed on of your siblings 25k a year and left you high and dry... similar to inheritance issues

OP doesn't have a baby! She isn't even pregnant! Her MIL is currently watching the grandchild that actually exists, and OP is upset that...honestly, I don't even know what the OP is upset about. Even if the in-laws had an obligation to be fair, it can't be that they shouldn't provide any or full-time childcare to the BIL on the off chance that OP has a baby someday. She won't even ask, because it might "cause drama." She is resentful and hurt because her MIL is currently taking care of a real baby and not a nonexistent potential future baby. How is this unfair? If the in-laws make a commitment, then yes, they might not be able to also care for OP's someday baby. And yes, it would be inappropriate to demand that they stop so they can babysit your baby. But we don't know how long the in-laws will care for the nephew. We don't know if they would offer some help to OP and her spouse (even if it's not as much as they would want).

[Anonymous]

I can’t reconcile how OP is in an ‘intense’ graduate program and yet has nothing more pressing to worry about than the childcare set-up for her non-existent babies (or even her in-laws car purchases).

[Anonymous]

I am the OP of the thread re: SIL receiving free childcare and my DH being upset that we are not.

I honestly think it comes down to sibling rivalry and perceived unfair treatment from parents. The reality is that nobody owes anyone free childcare and if a grandparent does offer it, you should be gracious and incredibly grateful that they do. But clearly additional grandchildren can seemingly complicate things when one sibling is receiving free childcare and the other is not. It can definitely create some resentment.

What's the alternative though? The first sibling gets booted out of their childcare arrangement? That would create resentment too.

What would be ideal is for NEITHER adult child to feel they are entitled to anything from their aging parents and to let their parents be grandparents and still involved in their children's lives in a way that works best for all parties.

But I think finding the perfect harmonious solution between extended families would be like finding the holy grail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.. thanks for your responses. I know I’m being irrational I just wish I had family support in the way my SIL and BIL have but you are all right - I should not expect anything and it is my responsibility. I know this but wish I also had access to free child care like they do. ILs are already committed to caring for my nephew so it would cause drama to ask them to watch ours instead. I’m just a bit jealous and it’s not right. I agree with you all. We are saving all we have to pay for daycare and maternity leave over the next year.

Why are you planning on having children before you graduate from your graduate program?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t reconcile how OP is in an ‘intense’ graduate program and yet has nothing more pressing to worry about than the childcare set-up for her non-existent babies (or even her in-laws car purchases).

x100. OP needs to let this go.