S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spin off from the thread about how someone’s DH seems to be a bit resentful that his sister is getting full time babysitting from ILs while he may not get as much help as a result. I think about this a lot as my MIL is providing free child care to SIL and BIL who have the money but since we will have kids later, we will be lower on the list for help and we will shell out the full cost for daycare though objectively we need the help more (I’m in intense grad school program so just one income and my family leaves far away so no help from them while SIL has both sides helping). On one hand I feel like it’s my responsibility but it does stink that the first person to have a baby essentially gets the grandparents and the bonding relationship. Has this happened to anyone else? Should grandparents try to be “fair” with how they take care of grandkids?

So if MIL will be too old when you have kids, she should decline to give free childcare to BIL/SIL now because ‘fairness’?

Point is, of course these variations happen in the natural course of life.

Op here they won’t be much older as we plan on having kids next year. I totally agree with everyone that you can’t expect it but it still hurts to not have help and save all our pennies when BIL buys more cars with the money he is saving with no child care

I can understand being hurt if you don't get the same amount of help but, OP, what makes you so sure that the grandparents won't try to equitably spend their time with both sets of grandchildren? You seem to be in a hurry to feel hurt over something that hasn't happened yet. Or are you complaining that you will never have the opportunity for your child to be the only set of grandkids like your ILs did? If so, you know, life sucks. Things happen in an order which doesn't suit you but it could have gone the other way if you had had kids first and then your ILs would be suffering. Deal with it.

This seems to be the question OP doesn't want to answer, it's been asked several times in this thread. I think that tells you all you need to know. In laws probably haven't said they will or won't help either way; OP is just making assumptions and wanting to feel hurt for whatever reason. Sure, more grand children means fewer grand parent hours to go round, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. There's no evidence of blatant favoritism of the SIL at this point.

[Anonymous]

Life isn't fair. The sooner you learn/accept that, the happier you'll be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is frustrating, but noone is entitle to free child care from grandparents.

at least your kids will be able to maintain a routine and not be plopped in front of the tv for 10 hours a day while the grandparents "watch them"

+1. I have a background in early childhood education and camps and I can say the worst childcare I've seen is by overextended grandparents.

I worked at several camps and day cares and have a masters in a social service field and completely disagree. Lots of bad stuff goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am in a similar situation, except I am pregnant. The thing is that my sibling makes my mom do so much more than she can handle. She's almost 70 and has taken care of their kids for an entire summer at a time, even once getting pink eye in both eyes from the kids, but still taking care of them. I couldn't do that to my mom. She already raised kids and she does it because she wants to help out and is worried she won't get access to her grandkids if she refuses. So I won't do that to her. She deserves better. Does it suck that I won't get free childcare? Yes, but life isn't fair, and I would much rather she have her health. It's a shame that my sibling doesn't seem to care, but that is on them.

There is no such thing as MAKING a grown-ass adult do anything.

Might your sister use guilt trips, whining, emotional manipulation to make her case to your mom to get her way? Yeah, absolutely.

Who is in charge of what your mom does and does not do, and how she spends her time?

Wait for it...your mom.

Yes, your mom deserves better. But until she grows up and grows a spine and stops allowing herself to be a doormat, she's going to be used as a doormat. Not actually your sister's fault.

Perhaps. It’s a shitty thing to do, any way you cut it.

[Anonymous]

What I’ve personally seen is that grandparents help extensively with daughters kids but do bare minimum with sons kids. It’s sexist. Dh is very close to his parents too so that’s not it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I am in a similar situation, except I am pregnant. The thing is that my sibling makes my mom do so much more than she can handle. She's almost 70 and has taken care of their kids for an entire summer at a time, even once getting pink eye in both eyes from the kids, but still taking care of them. I couldn't do that to my mom. She already raised kids and she does it because she wants to help out and is worried she won't get access to her grandkids if she refuses. So I won't do that to her. She deserves better. Does it suck that I won't get free childcare? Yes, but life isn't fair, and I would much rather she have her health. It's a shame that my sibling doesn't seem to care, but that is on them.

Some people are Takers, plain and simple. OP, your MIL will give as long as your SIL is a Taker - which will be always. Who taught SIL to be a Taker? You guessed it, your MIL. Be glad you are not her, or either one of them, for that matter!

[Anonymous]

The only person it is not fair to is the kids because they will figure out that one kid gets more attention has a better relationship with the grandparents.
My in-laws did this. And then the family they gave most to moved cross country. Now they are near us but have no real relationship with our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t even have kids yet and you are dumping on your IL’s?

Really!

Op, you don't even know if you can have kids next year (as planned) don't borrow problems that don't exist yet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am in a similar situation, except I am pregnant. The thing is that my sibling makes my mom do so much more than she can handle. She's almost 70 and has taken care of their kids for an entire summer at a time, even once getting pink eye in both eyes from the kids, but still taking care of them. I couldn't do that to my mom. She already raised kids and she does it because she wants to help out and is worried she won't get access to her grandkids if she refuses. So I won't do that to her. She deserves better. Does it suck that I won't get free childcare? Yes, but life isn't fair, and I would much rather she have her health. It's a shame that my sibling doesn't seem to care, but that is on them.

There is no such thing as MAKING a grown-ass adult do anything.

Might your sister use guilt trips, whining, emotional manipulation to make her case to your mom to get her way? Yeah, absolutely.

Who is in charge of what your mom does and does not do, and how she spends her time?

Wait for it...your mom.

Yes, your mom deserves better. But until she grows up and grows a spine and stops allowing herself to be a doormat, she's going to be used as a doormat. Not actually your sister's fault.

Perhaps. It’s a shitty thing to do, any way you cut it.

What, lying down and teaching your daughter that manipulation is an acceptable and effective life strategy? Absolutely. That's an absolutely shitty thing to do.

And make no mistake: your MIL gets a lot out of this dynamic. She gets to be Needed. She gets to still be Mommy AND Grandma. She get some control over her adult daughter's life and her grandkids' lives. She gets to be in high demand. So yes, you can feel sorry for her in some ways. But she gets something out of the dynamic, or she wouldn't be doing it. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t even have kids yet and you are dumping on your IL’s?

Really!

Op, you don't even know if you can have kids next year (as planned) don't borrow problems that don't exist yet

Well maybe OP can’t afford daycare and therefore can’t afford kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is unfair, but so is life so you deal with it. I agree that no one is entitled to free childcare but when parents give the gift of free childcare to one of their children and not the other, it is going to breed resentment. Essentially, the parents are giving one of their children $20-30k per year and the other one nothing.

Agree. This is unfair and it is favoritism. You don’t have to accept it or forget II, but you do have to move on in a healthy way. You can always have a heart to heart with MIl or SIL in how this has hurt you. They cannot I validate your Bolos feelings, or any feelings. Those are yours. And you don’t have to contort reality to rationalize that what they did is fair; it is not.

We have family friends who gave one child a lake house to be married in, free childcare 2-3 days a week for 5+ years, a spot in the family company (which they inherited now), while they gave their other child none of the sort. Maybe they’re paying her therapy bill now.

I would start with MIl and go over “3 years ago you said you’d watch our baby, similar to what you did when So and Adi has young babies.is this still possible in our house or so we need to make other arrangements?”
If she says Oh they’re are other cousins she needs to watch, then merely repeat what she originally told you and last told you, and say your feeling are hurt and that won’t work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is unfair, but so is life so you deal with it. I agree that no one is entitled to free childcare but when parents give the gift of free childcare to one of their children and not the other, it is going to breed resentment. Essentially, the parents are giving one of their children $20-30k per year and the other one nothing.

Agree. This is unfair and it is favoritism. You don’t have to accept it or forget II, but you do have to move on in a healthy way. You can always have a heart to heart with MIl or SIL in how this has hurt you. They cannot I validate your Bolos feelings, or any feelings. Those are yours. And you don’t have to contort reality to rationalize that what they did is fair; it is not.

We have family friends who gave one child a lake house to be married in, free childcare 2-3 days a week for 5+ years, a spot in the family company (which they inherited now), while they gave their other child none of the sort. Maybe they’re paying her therapy bill now.

I would start with MIl and go over “3 years ago you said you’d watch our baby, similar to what you did when So and Adi has young babies.is this still possible in our house or so we need to make other arrangements?”
If she says Oh they’re are other cousins she needs to watch, then merely repeat what she originally told you and last told you, and say your feeling are hurt and that won’t work out.

You sound crazy AF. Parents raised their kids they do not owe anyone free childcare. What they can do they do. Are they supposed to plan their lives around your family planning?
GTFOH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am in a similar situation, except I am pregnant. The thing is that my sibling makes my mom do so much more than she can handle. She's almost 70 and has taken care of their kids for an entire summer at a time, even once getting pink eye in both eyes from the kids, but still taking care of them. I couldn't do that to my mom. She already raised kids and she does it because she wants to help out and is worried she won't get access to her grandkids if she refuses. So I won't do that to her. She deserves better. Does it suck that I won't get free childcare? Yes, but life isn't fair, and I would much rather she have her health. It's a shame that my sibling doesn't seem to care, but that is on them.

There is no such thing as MAKING a grown-ass adult do anything.

Might your sister use guilt trips, whining, emotional manipulation to make her case to your mom to get her way? Yeah, absolutely.

Who is in charge of what your mom does and does not do, and how she spends her time?

Wait for it...your mom.

Yes, your mom deserves better. But until she grows up and grows a spine and stops allowing herself to be a doormat, she's going to be used as a doormat. Not actually your sister's fault.

Perhaps. It’s a shitty thing to do, any way you cut it.

What, lying down and teaching your daughter that manipulation is an acceptable and effective life strategy? Absolutely. That's an absolutely shitty thing to do.

And make no mistake: your MIL gets a lot out of this dynamic. She gets to be Needed. She gets to still be Mommy AND Grandma. She get some control over her adult daughter's life and her grandkids' lives. She gets to be in high demand. So yes, you can feel sorry for her in some ways. But she gets something out of the dynamic, or she wouldn't be doing it. Period.

You just diagnosed a stranger according a paragraph someone wrote about them providing childcare. You have no clue about MIL.
WOW!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is unfair, but so is life so you deal with it. I agree that no one is entitled to free childcare but when parents give the gift of free childcare to one of their children and not the other, it is going to breed resentment. Essentially, the parents are giving one of their children $20-30k per year and the other one nothing.

Agree. This is unfair and it is favoritism. You don’t have to accept it or forget II, but you do have to move on in a healthy way. You can always have a heart to heart with MIl or SIL in how this has hurt you. They cannot I validate your Bolos feelings, or any feelings. Those are yours. And you don’t have to contort reality to rationalize that what they did is fair; it is not.

We have family friends who gave one child a lake house to be married in, free childcare 2-3 days a week for 5+ years, a spot in the family company (which they inherited now), while they gave their other child none of the sort. Maybe they’re paying her therapy bill now.

I would start with MIl and go over “3 years ago you said you’d watch our baby, similar to what you did when So and Adi has young babies.is this still possible in our house or so we need to make other arrangements?”
If she says Oh they’re are other cousins she needs to watch, then merely repeat what she originally told you and last told you, and say your feeling are hurt and that won’t work out.

Except OP doesn't say that her MIL said she'd do that. OP is literally worrying about not getting the same amount of free childcare as her BIL, and resenting it and feeling hurt, and she's not even pregnant yet!

[Anonymous]

Op here.. thanks for your responses. I know I’m being irrational I just wish I had family support in the way my SIL and BIL have but you are all right - I should not expect anything and it is my responsibility. I know this but wish I also had access to free child care like they do. ILs are already committed to caring for my nephew so it would cause drama to ask them to watch ours instead. I’m just a bit jealous and it’s not right. I agree with you all. We are saving all we have to pay for daycare and maternity leave over the next year.