S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?

[Anonymous]

Divorce and marry an only child with super-involved parents who live nearby.

[Anonymous]

You don’t even have kids yet and you are dumping on your IL’s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spin off from the thread about how someone’s DH seems to be a bit resentful that his sister is getting full time babysitting from ILs while he may not get as much help as a result. I think about this a lot as my MIL is providing free child care to SIL and BIL who have the money but since we will have kids later, we will be lower on the list for help and we will shell out the full cost for daycare though objectively we need the help more (I’m in intense grad school program so just one income and my family leaves far away so no help from them while SIL has both sides helping). On one hand I feel like it’s my responsibility but it does stink that the first person to have a baby essentially gets the grandparents and the bonding relationship. Has this happened to anyone else? Should grandparents try to be “fair” with how they take care of grandkids?

Under your theory, you should stop doing your program and have kids immediately to be fair to your kids' grandparents.
It works both ways, OP

[Anonymous]

It depends on the situation. In this situation, the sibling had a child earlier than OP and 2nd child, so if grandma wants to, why not. Then the issue is that there is a 3rd grandchild on the way within a few months of child 2 and grandma is having health issues. If grandma had no health issues and ok with 3, its fine but there are also other factors like transportation.

My mom was retired, no grandkids, said to go ahead and have one as she'd help and funny thing, baby came and she refused to help, even temporarily when our child care fell through (then she was angry I quit my job but I had no other last minute options).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the situation. In this situation, the sibling had a child earlier than OP and 2nd child, so if grandma wants to, why not. Then the issue is that there is a 3rd grandchild on the way within a few months of child 2 and grandma is having health issues. If grandma had no health issues and ok with 3, its fine but there are also other factors like transportation.

My mom was retired, no grandkids, said to go ahead and have one as she'd help and funny thing, baby came and she refused to help, even temporarily when our child care fell through (then she was angry I quit my job but I had no other last minute options).

Uh that is insane that you quit your job but because your childcare plan “fell through”. You could have found some back-up/temporary childcare while looking for a more permanent arrangement. When women say things like that I assume they were always planning to quit anyway but wanted a cover for their decision.

[Anonymous]

So I am in a similar situation, except I am pregnant. The thing is that my sibling makes my mom do so much more than she can handle. She's almost 70 and has taken care of their kids for an entire summer at a time, even once getting pink eye in both eyes from the kids, but still taking care of them. I couldn't do that to my mom. She already raised kids and she does it because she wants to help out and is worried she won't get access to her grandkids if she refuses. So I won't do that to her. She deserves better. Does it suck that I won't get free childcare? Yes, but life isn't fair, and I would much rather she have her health. It's a shame that my sibling doesn't seem to care, but that is on them.

[Anonymous]

It is frustrating, but noone is entitle to free child care from grandparents.

at least your kids will be able to maintain a routine and not be plopped in front of the tv for 10 hours a day while the grandparents "watch them"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to free childcare. Repeat after me. No one is entitled to free childcare.

If you happen to get help from the in-laws/your parents, great. But you shouldn't expect it.

Fairness is not a consideration here.

EXACTLY!
Grow up OP!
Seriously, who thinks like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spin off from the thread about how someone’s DH seems to be a bit resentful that his sister is getting full time babysitting from ILs while he may not get as much help as a result. I think about this a lot as my MIL is providing free child care to SIL and BIL who have the money but since we will have kids later, we will be lower on the list for help and we will shell out the full cost for daycare though objectively we need the help more (I’m in intense grad school program so just one income and my family leaves far away so no help from them while SIL has both sides helping). On one hand I feel like it’s my responsibility but it does stink that the first person to have a baby essentially gets the grandparents and the bonding relationship. Has this happened to anyone else? Should grandparents try to be “fair” with how they take care of grandkids?

So if MIL will be too old when you have kids, she should decline to give free childcare to BIL/SIL now because ‘fairness’?

Point is, of course these variations happen in the natural course of life.

Op here they won’t be much older as we plan on having kids next year. I totally agree with everyone that you can’t expect it but it still hurts to not have help and save all our pennies when BIL buys more cars with the money he is saving with no child care

You know what I hate?
People Who waste their time counting other peoples damn pennies. You made your choices you got what you got .
Who the hell are you to resent other people because they something different than you , grow up!

[Anonymous]

Grandparents don't owe free labor to anyone and are free to do as they please. My younger brother had kids 5 years before we did and at a time when my parents were in great health. They willingly helped out with childcare. By the time I had kids my parents had their own health issues and I did not expect them to do the same. We have our own childcare arrangements and my parents just visit when they can. That just how life unfolded. We certainly don't hold it against them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is unfair, but so is life so you deal with it. I agree that no one is entitled to free childcare but when parents give the gift of free childcare to one of their children and not the other, it is going to breed resentment. Essentially, the parents are giving one of their children $20-30k per year and the other one nothing.

That’s how people view that, really????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the situation. In this situation, the sibling had a child earlier than OP and 2nd child, so if grandma wants to, why not. Then the issue is that there is a 3rd grandchild on the way within a few months of child 2 and grandma is having health issues. If grandma had no health issues and ok with 3, its fine but there are also other factors like transportation.

My mom was retired, no grandkids, said to go ahead and have one as she'd help and funny thing, baby came and she refused to help, even temporarily when our child care fell through (then she was angry I quit my job but I had no other last minute options).

Uh that is insane that you quit your job but because your childcare plan “fell through”. You could have found some back-up/temporary childcare while looking for a more permanent arrangement. When women say things like that I assume they were always planning to quit anyway but wanted a cover for their decision.

We had a slot at a day care center and were told everything was fine. Then, a few days before the start date I called to confirm and was told there was no longer a slot. My boss would not extend maternity leave and my husband didn't have any. So, no, its near impossible to find a few days before as during my 3 months maternity leave that was the only slot I could get. Hiring a nanny would have been more than my salary so that made no sense. My mom could have helped for a few weeks or a month till we could find something else. She's been a lousy grandma so at this point its a non-issue. We don't ask for any help and never would and it really annoys her as she wants to show off to her boyfriend. Now she has to settle for his grandkids as hers are not interested in her anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spin off from the thread about how someone’s DH seems to be a bit resentful that his sister is getting full time babysitting from ILs while he may not get as much help as a result. I think about this a lot as my MIL is providing free child care to SIL and BIL who have the money but since we will have kids later, we will be lower on the list for help and we will shell out the full cost for daycare though objectively we need the help more (I’m in intense grad school program so just one income and my family leaves far away so no help from them while SIL has both sides helping). On one hand I feel like it’s my responsibility but it does stink that the first person to have a baby essentially gets the grandparents and the bonding relationship. Has this happened to anyone else? Should grandparents try to be “fair” with how they take care of grandkids?

So if MIL will be too old when you have kids, she should decline to give free childcare to BIL/SIL now because ‘fairness’?

Point is, of course these variations happen in the natural course of life.

Op here they won’t be much older as we plan on having kids next year. I totally agree with everyone that you can’t expect it but it still hurts to not have help and save all our pennies when BIL buys more cars with the money he is saving with no child care

I can understand being hurt if you don't get the same amount of help but, OP, what makes you so sure that the grandparents won't try to equitably spend their time with both sets of grandchildren? You seem to be in a hurry to feel hurt over something that hasn't happened yet. Or are you complaining that you will never have the opportunity for your child to be the only set of grandkids like your ILs did? If so, you know, life sucks. Things happen in an order which doesn't suit you but it could have gone the other way if you had had kids first and then your ILs would be suffering. Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I am in a similar situation, except I am pregnant. The thing is that my sibling makes my mom do so much more than she can handle. She's almost 70 and has taken care of their kids for an entire summer at a time, even once getting pink eye in both eyes from the kids, but still taking care of them. I couldn't do that to my mom. She already raised kids and she does it because she wants to help out and is worried she won't get access to her grandkids if she refuses. So I won't do that to her. She deserves better. Does it suck that I won't get free childcare? Yes, but life isn't fair, and I would much rather she have her health. It's a shame that my sibling doesn't seem to care, but that is on them.

There is no such thing as MAKING a grown-ass adult do anything.

Might your sister use guilt trips, whining, emotional manipulation to make her case to your mom to get her way? Yeah, absolutely.

Who is in charge of what your mom does and does not do, and how she spends her time?

Wait for it...your mom.

Yes, your mom deserves better. But until she grows up and grows a spine and stops allowing herself to be a doormat, she's going to be used as a doormat. Not actually your sister's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is frustrating, but noone is entitle to free child care from grandparents.

at least your kids will be able to maintain a routine and not be plopped in front of the tv for 10 hours a day while the grandparents "watch them"

+1. I have a background in early childhood education and camps and I can say the worst childcare I've seen is by overextended grandparents.