S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spin off from the thread about how someone’s DH seems to be a bit resentful that his sister is getting full time babysitting from ILs while he may not get as much help as a result. I think about this a lot as my MIL is providing free child care to SIL and BIL who have the money but since we will have kids later, we will be lower on the list for help and we will shell out the full cost for daycare though objectively we need the help more (I’m in intense grad school program so just one income and my family leaves far away so no help from them while SIL has both sides helping). On one hand I feel like it’s my responsibility but it does stink that the first person to have a baby essentially gets the grandparents and the bonding relationship. Has this happened to anyone else? Should grandparents try to be “fair” with how they take care of grandkids?

If you "feel like it's your responsibility" to watch and raise your kid, or hire help in doing so, you have a lot of growing up to do.

It's not that you can "feel like" that's your responsibility, so much as that IS your responsibility. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

So MIL owes your help, but your own mother does not. Wow.

And what about FIL and your own father? Oh, wait, they don't have vaginas, so you have no expectations of them, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to free childcare. Repeat after me. No one is entitled to free childcare.

If you happen to get help from the in-laws/your parents, great. But you shouldn't expect it.

Fairness is not a consideration here.

Well in my culture grandparents provide each childcare as much as they are able to. If they are old and don’t have much stamina left, it will be an hour or two while parents go out to dinner. If they are fit and healthy it’ll be for a weekend getaway. We are ‘entitled’ to what they can provide.

Only if they are entitled to live with you rent free when they are old and sick. A friend’s parents come from Asia during the school year. First the grandmother. Then the grandfather. As a result, the grandparents can’t even enjoy their retirement together. But she feels like they’d be better off staying in their home country once they are too infirm to make the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is unfair, but so is life so you deal with it. I agree that no one is entitled to free childcare but when parents give the gift of free childcare to one of their children and not the other, it is going to breed resentment. Essentially, the parents are giving one of their children $20-30k per year and the other one nothing.

I agree with this

[Anonymous]

It does seem unfair but you could get surprised, too. We lived across the country for a number of years. My family is all in another country/could never have helped. We paid for a nanny for 10 years in order to have a 'family-like' experience in our home, and it was a lot of $ but it was our choice/and our choice to have all the kids.

We finally moved close to DH's family and it was a combination of aging out/being older and more independent/one driving now/having had 'their turn' that caused my inlaws to pretty much say to SIL and her family "well you've had a free ride all this time- we will continue to help as we can but you are going to be on your own more now that the other grandkids are here".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I resent anyone who thinks they shouldn’t need to pay for daycare. How did people get so entitled?

+1

SIL had free childcare at least once per week, while another family member gave her a job with high pay - talk about entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is unfair, but so is life so you deal with it. I agree that no one is entitled to free childcare but when parents give the gift of free childcare to one of their children and not the other, it is going to breed resentment. Essentially, the parents are giving one of their children $20-30k per year and the other one nothing.

I agree with this

x10000

[Anonymous]

Of course it is unfair- that’s life. You aren’t entitled to any help from parents or ILs at all. In many cases parents or ILs prioritize their own daughter’s kids, the family who has more financial need, or favor one family in this way for any number of reasons. We have zero help from grandparents (my parents still work FT, DHs are too old). That’s life.

[Anonymous]

Mind your own business OP.

If you want your family to help, move near them. If you don’t want to have only one income, don’t do an intense grad program. If you don’t have enough money to have kids, don’t have them. You make your own choices in life and do do the grandparents watching your IL’s kids. I assume they are not being forced to watch your BILs and SILs kids. They had kids first. Luck of the draw. Drop your entitlement.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you assuming you will get no assistance from your MIL? Your BIL/SIL's kids will be older than yours, so it's entirely possible that your MIL will view helping you as the prior.

Sounds like you are creating drama in your head for a child and circumstances that do not yet exist.

[Anonymous]

Judging you by your original post, why would they even want to invite you to anything! Talk about entitlement!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spin off from the thread about how someone’s DH seems to be a bit resentful that his sister is getting full time babysitting from ILs while he may not get as much help as a result. I think about this a lot as my MIL is providing free child care to SIL and BIL who have the money but since we will have kids later, we will be lower on the list for help and we will shell out the full cost for daycare though objectively we need the help more (I’m in intense grad school program so just one income and my family leaves far away so no help from them while SIL has both sides helping). On one hand I feel like it’s my responsibility but it does stink that the first person to have a baby essentially gets the grandparents and the bonding relationship. Has this happened to anyone else? Should grandparents try to be “fair” with how they take care of grandkids?

Why would you want to have a baby while you are in an intense graduate school program?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spin off from the thread about how someone’s DH seems to be a bit resentful that his sister is getting full time babysitting from ILs while he may not get as much help as a result. I think about this a lot as my MIL is providing free child care to SIL and BIL who have the money but since we will have kids later, we will be lower on the list for help and we will shell out the full cost for daycare though objectively we need the help more (I’m in intense grad school program so just one income and my family leaves far away so no help from them while SIL has both sides helping). On one hand I feel like it’s my responsibility but it does stink that the first person to have a baby essentially gets the grandparents and the bonding relationship. Has this happened to anyone else? Should grandparents try to be “fair” with how they take care of grandkids?

Why would you want to have a baby while you are in an intense graduate school program?

Because that is what perpetual-students do when they want to avoid the world of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spin off from the thread about how someone’s DH seems to be a bit resentful that his sister is getting full time babysitting from ILs while he may not get as much help as a result. I think about this a lot as my MIL is providing free child care to SIL and BIL who have the money but since we will have kids later, we will be lower on the list for help and we will shell out the full cost for daycare though objectively we need the help more (I’m in intense grad school program so just one income and my family leaves far away so no help from them while SIL has both sides helping). On one hand I feel like it’s my responsibility but it does stink that the first person to have a baby essentially gets the grandparents and the bonding relationship. Has this happened to anyone else? Should grandparents try to be “fair” with how they take care of grandkids?

Fair does not always mean everyone gets the exact same thing. You are choosing to have children at an older age. That is your choice and it comes with consequences. Some good and some meh. It sounds like you and your DH are doing just fine and need to concentrate on what you have. (aka 'count your blessings')

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you assuming you will get no assistance from your MIL? Your BIL/SIL's kids will be older than yours, so it's entirely possible that your MIL will view helping you as the prior.

Sounds like you are creating drama in your head for a child and circumstances that do not yet exist.

+1. I was wondering this as well. I'll try to be more compassionate than PPs here. Do you have reason to believe that your ILs will offer you no help with childcare if/when you and DH have kids? Have they flat out told you this? Or is this an assumption you're making based on pre-grandchildren treatment between you/DH and your BIL/SIL?

If it's the latter, then you have reason to be disappointed. Old habits die hard with relationship dynamics such as these. But notice I did say "disappointed" and not "angry" with your ILs. Like PPs have mentioned, it is your and your DH's financial responsibility to provide childcare for your kids. But it's only human to be disappointed if you see the ILs providing long term assistance and you were to not receive any. But at this point, and with the information you've provided, you're just speculating. That can cause problems where they truly don't exist.