S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?

[Anonymous]

Spin off from the thread about how someone’s DH seems to be a bit resentful that his sister is getting full time babysitting from ILs while he may not get as much help as a result. I think about this a lot as my MIL is providing free child care to SIL and BIL who have the money but since we will have kids later, we will be lower on the list for help and we will shell out the full cost for daycare though objectively we need the help more (I’m in intense grad school program so just one income and my family leaves far away so no help from them while SIL has both sides helping). On one hand I feel like it’s my responsibility but it does stink that the first person to have a baby essentially gets the grandparents and the bonding relationship. Has this happened to anyone else? Should grandparents try to be “fair” with how they take care of grandkids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spin off from the thread about how someone’s DH seems to be a bit resentful that his sister is getting full time babysitting from ILs while he may not get as much help as a result. I think about this a lot as my MIL is providing free child care to SIL and BIL who have the money but since we will have kids later, we will be lower on the list for help and we will shell out the full cost for daycare though objectively we need the help more (I’m in intense grad school program so just one income and my family leaves far away so no help from them while SIL has both sides helping). On one hand I feel like it’s my responsibility but it does stink that the first person to have a baby essentially gets the grandparents and the bonding relationship. Has this happened to anyone else? Should grandparents try to be “fair” with how they take care of grandkids?

So if MIL will be too old when you have kids, she should decline to give free childcare to BIL/SIL now because ‘fairness’?

Point is, of course these variations happen in the natural course of life.

[Anonymous]

I resent anyone who thinks they shouldn’t need to pay for daycare. How did people get so entitled?

[Anonymous]

Grandparents can do what they want. Nothing in life is ever perfectly equitable, but that's certainly fair.

[Anonymous]

They should pay the grandparents

[Anonymous]

No one is entitled to free childcare. Repeat after me. No one is entitled to free childcare.

If you happen to get help from the in-laws/your parents, great. But you shouldn't expect it.

Fairness is not a consideration here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spin off from the thread about how someone’s DH seems to be a bit resentful that his sister is getting full time babysitting from ILs while he may not get as much help as a result. I think about this a lot as my MIL is providing free child care to SIL and BIL who have the money but since we will have kids later, we will be lower on the list for help and we will shell out the full cost for daycare though objectively we need the help more (I’m in intense grad school program so just one income and my family leaves far away so no help from them while SIL has both sides helping). On one hand I feel like it’s my responsibility but it does stink that the first person to have a baby essentially gets the grandparents and the bonding relationship. Has this happened to anyone else? Should grandparents try to be “fair” with how they take care of grandkids?

So if MIL will be too old when you have kids, she should decline to give free childcare to BIL/SIL now because ‘fairness’?

Point is, of course these variations happen in the natural course of life.

Op here they won’t be much older as we plan on having kids next year. I totally agree with everyone that you can’t expect it but it still hurts to not have help and save all our pennies when BIL buys more cars with the money he is saving with no child care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to free childcare. Repeat after me. No one is entitled to free childcare.

If you happen to get help from the in-laws/your parents, great. But you shouldn't expect it.

Fairness is not a consideration here.

Well in my culture grandparents provide each childcare as much as they are able to. If they are old and don’t have much stamina left, it will be an hour or two while parents go out to dinner. If they are fit and healthy it’ll be for a weekend getaway. We are ‘entitled’ to what they can provide.

[Anonymous]

You sound pretty jealous and ridiculous to worry about free childcare when you aren’t even pregnant. Why are you creating family problems?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you just have to look at it with the view that at different points in time, family members are able to do different things. If SIL can use help now, and MIL is giving it, that is a nice thing. Maybe try to set aside its implications for you and DH getting a 'fair' share later down the line.

This seems like the kind of issue that would bother me if I were already annoyed at these relatives. Is that the case for you too, would you say?

Another silver lining if you don't have MIL help: you can avoid the complications that sometimes arise when getting free care from a relative. If you hire someone, then you can feel freer to ask for what you want (with screen time exposure, with nap time, with outings, etc) and will be less likely to tiptoe around since MIL would be 'doing you a favor'. There are definite advantages to avoiding all that drama.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Another way to look at it is, in the long run, will that SIL/BIL who are getting more of the babysitting now also be the ones who will be taking on more of the elder-care when your ILs are older? Esp. likely if you will have young kids while theirs are older/out of the house.

In my family, when my parents retired they opted to move near my sister and started regularly babysitting for her. That meant they cut way back on traveling to visit us since sister was relying on them. That was disappointing but now, our kids are all teens and my parents' health is declining and sister is the point person for helping them. She also moved recently and intentionally bought a townhouse with a 1st floor bedroom/full bath, anticipating that one or both parents will eventually need to live with her. We visit as much as we can but my sister bears the brunt of it, just as she got the benefit of their help.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is unfair, but so is life so you deal with it. I agree that no one is entitled to free childcare but when parents give the gift of free childcare to one of their children and not the other, it is going to breed resentment. Essentially, the parents are giving one of their children $20-30k per year and the other one nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spin off from the thread about how someone’s DH seems to be a bit resentful that his sister is getting full time babysitting from ILs while he may not get as much help as a result. I think about this a lot as my MIL is providing free child care to SIL and BIL who have the money but since we will have kids later, we will be lower on the list for help and we will shell out the full cost for daycare though objectively we need the help more (I’m in intense grad school program so just one income and my family leaves far away so no help from them while SIL has both sides helping). On one hand I feel like it’s my responsibility but it does stink that the first person to have a baby essentially gets the grandparents and the bonding relationship. Has this happened to anyone else? Should grandparents try to be “fair” with how they take care of grandkids?

So if MIL will be too old when you have kids, she should decline to give free childcare to BIL/SIL now because ‘fairness’?

Point is, of course these variations happen in the natural course of life.

Op here they won’t be much older as we plan on having kids next year. I totally agree with everyone that you can’t expect it but it still hurts to not have help and save all our pennies when BIL buys more cars with the money he is saving with no child care

You are a piece of work. I would understand the feeling just a little if it were your own mom, but when you think it is your place to judge how your MIL spends her time or to decide that MIL owes you something because BIL is a successful earner while you choose to be in grad school, that’s just whackadoodle.

Come back when MIL/FIL pass away. It will be amusing to see your entitlement-fueled rage at all the inheritance unfairness.

[Anonymous]

So what’s you mom doing to help you with daycare? You

[Anonymous]

Of course it's not fair.

But life doesn't owe you fair.

Parents don't owe you fair when you are a grown-ass adult. You can make decisions about how much you want to invest in them accordingly, but they still don't owe you "fair," or anything, really, after the age of 18.