My teen refuses to live with her mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The affair has nothing to do with the daughter and should not impact the mother-daughter relationship. I get that the daughter is mad the mom had an affair and broke up the family (except now she is saying she wishes her dad had left mom years earlier?!). But affair is a non issue for the daughter - the affair is only a issue with husband. The daughter is going to spend mosrt of her twenties and early thirties dealing psychologically with the bad relationhsip with her mom unless you can get it back on track. Do you really want daughter to have this level of emotional baggage so that you can win and be the good parent? Mom and daughter need to go to joint counselling.

I had similar thoughts as I was reading the post although OP did mention there are some other character issues with mom towards daughter (i.e. emotionally abusive, cold/distant, etc.). That said, you only get one mom and if you think further out about some of the traditional mom/daughter moments (wedding, childbirth, etc.) and ongoing relationship type things (being a grandparent for example) I think there is value in them fixing their relationship as best they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it at all possible for child support to be funneled directly toward benefiting the child, if OP thinks that the mother doesn't need to receive it? I hear so many stories of men objecting to paying child support or wanting to lessen the amount.

This is a bizarre post. If OP's daughter is living at his house close to 100% he will be funneling the money directly for her benefit through increased food and clothing expenses and other expenses associated with being the primary caregiver. The guidelines in most states have a custody time component for this exact reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The affair has nothing to do with the daughter and should not impact the mother-daughter relationship. I get that the daughter is mad the mom had an affair and broke up the family (except now she is saying she wishes her dad had left mom years earlier?!). But affair is a non issue for the daughter - the affair is only a issue with husband. The daughter is going to spend mosrt of her twenties and early thirties dealing psychologically with the bad relationhsip with her mom unless you can get it back on track. Do you really want daughter to have this level of emotional baggage so that you can win and be the good parent? Mom and daughter need to go to joint counselling.

I had similar thoughts as I was reading the post although OP did mention there are some other character issues with mom towards daughter (i.e. emotionally abusive, cold/distant, etc.). That said, you only get one mom and if you think further out about some of the traditional mom/daughter moments (wedding, childbirth, etc.) and ongoing relationship type things (being a grandparent for example) I think there is value in them fixing their relationship as best they can.

The daughter has to want to repair the relationship and it doesn't sound like she wants to fix the relationship at this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I am confused by the responses in this thread.

1) Mom cheated and that lead to a divorce.
2) Dad, OP, has refused to bad mouth Mom to kids
3) Dad is paying child support for Mom, even though she was the one who had an affair
4) Dad has daughter in therapy
5) Dad is willing to not go the divorce route to save Mom, who had an affair, $550 a month in additional medical costs

It sounds to me like Dad is doing everything he can to help his daughter and is not being a dick to his Ex. Dad is encouraging his daughters to maintain a relationship with their Mom, even though she cheated on him. Dad is home, providing for his kids, providing for his Ex.

Dad voices that he might want to have an adult life at some point in time and wonders how to do that if the eldest daughter continues to refuse to go to Mom's house. He is not doing that now but thinking about it in the future.

As I read it, Dad has stepped up to the plate, done what he should do for his kids, and is doing more for his Ex then he really needs to.

Why are people questioning his parenting?

OP here. Thank you for understanding exactly what I was trying to convey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll take your daughter since clearly neither of you care about her best interests.

F*ck you, you nasty twat.

Can't imagine why your wife left you.

I left her, remember? But you sound maybe like you're similar to my wife.

[Anonymous]

He thinks the mom living 10 miles away is a complication Where did I say this? But in terms of school commuting, it is a little bit.
He does not want 100% custody so he can date. No, I don't want 100% custody because my STBX and I agreed that the kids should spend 50% of the time with each parent. This was a mutual agreement, not something a court ordered. The challenge is my daughter won't agree to it.
He wants to leave a 17 yo girl home alone when he travels. No, I was just asking what to do if she refuses to be with her mother. Work travel isn't by choice -- it's a logistical issue. So sounds like I will arrange for her to stay with friends.
He wants to have sleep overs with girlfiends when his daughter is there. I don't understand these people who insist I cannot have a life.
He wants to cut child support. Yes, but only because my oldest daughter is going to live with me 100% of the time. It isn't some random desire to cheat my kids out of any money.
He doesn't make his daughter go to her mom's even though there is 50/50 custody. Do you have teenagers? How do you "make" a teenager do something like this she doesn't want to do. Why would it be good for my daughter to MAKE her spend time with her mother, who she detests? I have her in intensive therapy now in the hopes that she can make progress to repairing her relationship with her mother, but I cannot force that to happen. I have strongly ENCOURAGED her to do this and the impact has been to have DD become furious with me and announce I'm not being supportive of her. But I completely resent your assertion that I'm somehow failing to "make" her to this. Not to mention the inherent contradiction in your litany of bizarre takeaways from my post -- so I simultaneously don't want 100% custody so I can date but I'm also at fault for not MAKING my daughter spend half her time with her mother? Come on, pick a complaint already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The affair has nothing to do with the daughter and should not impact the mother-daughter relationship. I get that the daughter is mad the mom had an affair and broke up the family (except now she is saying she wishes her dad had left mom years earlier?!). But affair is a non issue for the daughter - the affair is only a issue with husband. The daughter is going to spend mosrt of her twenties and early thirties dealing psychologically with the bad relationhsip with her mom unless you can get it back on track. Do you really want daughter to have this level of emotional baggage so that you can win and be the good parent? Mom and daughter need to go to joint counselling.

I had similar thoughts as I was reading the post although OP did mention there are some other character issues with mom towards daughter (i.e. emotionally abusive, cold/distant, etc.). That said, you only get one mom and if you think further out about some of the traditional mom/daughter moments (wedding, childbirth, etc.) and ongoing relationship type things (being a grandparent for example) I think there is value in them fixing their relationship as best they can.

The daughter has to want to repair the relationship and it doesn't sound like she wants to fix the relationship at this time.

I can't speak to the specifics of how to do it, honestly I don't know. Perhaps some type of counseling with both of them. Also, I'm not sure you have to wait for her to want to fix it as going to some form of counseling may help resolve or at least alleviate some of the issues organically. I'm just saying I think there is value in the OP pushing the issue.

BTW, sorry people are being such dicks to you on this thread OP. This particular subforum draws in a lot of crazies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He thinks the mom living 10 miles away is a complication Where did I say this? But in terms of school commuting, it is a little bit.
He does not want 100% custody so he can date. No, I don't want 100% custody because my STBX and I agreed that the kids should spend 50% of the time with each parent. This was a mutual agreement, not something a court ordered. The challenge is my daughter won't agree to it.
He wants to leave a 17 yo girl home alone when he travels. No, I was just asking what to do if she refuses to be with her mother. Work travel isn't by choice -- it's a logistical issue. So sounds like I will arrange for her to stay with friends.
He wants to have sleep overs with girlfiends when his daughter is there. I don't understand these people who insist I cannot have a life.
He wants to cut child support. Yes, but only because my oldest daughter is going to live with me 100% of the time. It isn't some random desire to cheat my kids out of any money.
He doesn't make his daughter go to her mom's even though there is 50/50 custody. Do you have teenagers? How do you "make" a teenager do something like this she doesn't want to do. Why would it be good for my daughter to MAKE her spend time with her mother, who she detests? I have her in intensive therapy now in the hopes that she can make progress to repairing her relationship with her mother, but I cannot force that to happen. I have strongly ENCOURAGED her to do this and the impact has been to have DD become furious with me and announce I'm not being supportive of her. But I completely resent your assertion that I'm somehow failing to "make" her to this. Not to mention the inherent contradiction in your litany of bizarre takeaways from my post -- so I simultaneously don't want 100% custody so I can date but I'm also at fault for not MAKING my daughter spend half her time with her mother? Come on, pick a complaint already.

OP, I don't think you've internalized that your wife has a ***legal right*** to time with your daughter. You're just assuming that because she doesn't want to go to her moms, that you can back her up on that. I believe what you're saying about your daughter refusing to go to her mothers, but you are going to be in breach of your custody agreement if you don't take this up WITH YOUR EX. This is between you and your ex now -- you guys jointly need to decide on the new custody arrangement (including work overnights) in light of your daughter's situation. Maybe your ex will agree to informally let her stay with you 100% of the time for now ... but this is something you have to agree on with your ex. Because despite your daughter's position, your ex still has parental rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it at all possible for child support to be funneled directly toward benefiting the child, if OP thinks that the mother doesn't need to receive it? I hear so many stories of men objecting to paying child support or wanting to lessen the amount.

This is a bizarre post. If OP's daughter is living at his house close to 100% he will be funneling the money directly for her benefit through increased food and clothing expenses and other expenses associated with being the primary caregiver. The guidelines in most states have a custody time component for this exact reason.

He will keep the home and clothing regardless of if she is there so the cost difference in minimal.

[Anonymous]

This thread proves how man-hating DCUM is. The wife cheated and is asking for ANY child support or ANYTHING financially? Gross. He's keeping her on his insurance so she doesn't have to pay more? The guy is on here looking for support and you nitpick a few words he said.

I'm sorry OP and I wish you the best. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I am confused by the responses in this thread.

1) Mom cheated and that lead to a divorce.
2) Dad, OP, has refused to bad mouth Mom to kids
3) Dad is paying child support for Mom, even though she was the one who had an affair
4) Dad has daughter in therapy
5) Dad is willing to not go the divorce route to save Mom, who had an affair, $550 a month in additional medical costs

It sounds to me like Dad is doing everything he can to help his daughter and is not being a dick to his Ex. Dad is encouraging his daughters to maintain a relationship with their Mom, even though she cheated on him. Dad is home, providing for his kids, providing for his Ex.

Dad voices that he might want to have an adult life at some point in time and wonders how to do that if the eldest daughter continues to refuse to go to Mom's house. He is not doing that now but thinking about it in the future.

As I read it, Dad has stepped up to the plate, done what he should do for his kids, and is doing more for his Ex then he really needs to.

Why are people questioning his parenting?

OP here. Thank you for understanding exactly what I was trying to convey.

Threads like these make me question the future of humanity and/or the people giving advice here. I'm totally sympathetic, OP (and I'm not PP).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He thinks the mom living 10 miles away is a complication Where did I say this? But in terms of school commuting, it is a little bit.
He does not want 100% custody so he can date. No, I don't want 100% custody because my STBX and I agreed that the kids should spend 50% of the time with each parent. This was a mutual agreement, not something a court ordered. The challenge is my daughter won't agree to it.
He wants to leave a 17 yo girl home alone when he travels. No, I was just asking what to do if she refuses to be with her mother. Work travel isn't by choice -- it's a logistical issue. So sounds like I will arrange for her to stay with friends.
He wants to have sleep overs with girlfiends when his daughter is there. I don't understand these people who insist I cannot have a life.
He wants to cut child support. Yes, but only because my oldest daughter is going to live with me 100% of the time. It isn't some random desire to cheat my kids out of any money.
He doesn't make his daughter go to her mom's even though there is 50/50 custody. Do you have teenagers? How do you "make" a teenager do something like this she doesn't want to do. Why would it be good for my daughter to MAKE her spend time with her mother, who she detests? I have her in intensive therapy now in the hopes that she can make progress to repairing her relationship with her mother, but I cannot force that to happen. I have strongly ENCOURAGED her to do this and the impact has been to have DD become furious with me and announce I'm not being supportive of her. But I completely resent your assertion that I'm somehow failing to "make" her to this. Not to mention the inherent contradiction in your litany of bizarre takeaways from my post -- so I simultaneously don't want 100% custody so I can date but I'm also at fault for not MAKING my daughter spend half her time with her mother? Come on, pick a complaint already.

OP, I don't think you've internalized that your wife has a ***legal right*** to time with your daughter. You're just assuming that because she doesn't want to go to her moms, that you can back her up on that. I believe what you're saying about your daughter refusing to go to her mothers, but you are going to be in breach of your custody agreement if you don't take this up WITH YOUR EX. This is between you and your ex now -- you guys jointly need to decide on the new custody arrangement (including work overnights) in light of your daughter's situation. Maybe your ex will agree to informally let her stay with you 100% of the time for now ... but this is something you have to agree on with your ex. Because despite your daughter's position, your ex still has parental rights.

I don't think that there is a formal agreement on anything. The OP specifically said that he might not pursue divorce so that his ex doesn't have to pay more for health care. It sounds to me that this is more informal arrangement. I have difficulty believing that a Judge would tell a 17 year old that they have to spend time with someone that they do not want to, in this case the Mom. There is an age that the kids are included in the decision and 17 is old enough that the Judge would ask the daughter. It sounds like the 14 year old is willing to try to live with Mom half the time but she doesn't seem to thrilled with the idea. The 17 year has flat out rejected the idea.

That is my read on it, there is no formal agreement.

OP: You would be in a better place if just ignored the people that you don't agree with or at least don't respond in such a dickish manner.

[Anonymous]

OP is fine. Go to one of the counselling sessions with DD and use 20 min. of the session to discuss a plan for what to do when you need to travel. DD is old enough to understand your concerns about her not being left alone.

Then, OP, you may need to (a) have a discussion with ex wife about changing the custody arrangement based on the current circumstances, and/or (b) go to court to adjust the custody and support arrangement. Maybe a counselor could work with you and DD and ex wife. Perhaps DD's current counselor could invite the mom/exwife to a session where counselor helps explain that DD needs some time/space to process mom's behavior.

Bottom line: If DD doesn't want to stay with the mother, then I don't think you can make her. BUT, you can do things to deal with the practical aspects (i.e. where is DD going to stay when you are away?), as well as the long term relationship aspects with the mom.

Focus first on solving this specific logistical issue. Then, make a priority of resolving the longer term relationship with mom issue. You can't really resolve it yourself, but you can help empower your DD to deal with it, and you can deal with your side -- which is the current agreement needs to be changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it at all possible for child support to be funneled directly toward benefiting the child, if OP thinks that the mother doesn't need to receive it? I hear so many stories of men objecting to paying child support or wanting to lessen the amount.

This is a bizarre post. If OP's daughter is living at his house close to 100% he will be funneling the money directly for her benefit through increased food and clothing expenses and other expenses associated with being the primary caregiver. The guidelines in most states have a custody time component for this exact reason.

He will keep the home and clothing regardless of if she is there so the cost difference in minimal.

Pretty much every state disagrees with you which is why the formulas adjust for custody time. I'm not sure why this is such a hard concept for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it at all possible for child support to be funneled directly toward benefiting the child, if OP thinks that the mother doesn't need to receive it? I hear so many stories of men objecting to paying child support or wanting to lessen the amount.

This is a bizarre post. If OP's daughter is living at his house close to 100% he will be funneling the money directly for her benefit through increased food and clothing expenses and other expenses associated with being the primary caregiver. The guidelines in most states have a custody time component for this exact reason.

He will keep the home and clothing regardless of if she is there so the cost difference in minimal.

Pretty much every state disagrees with you which is why the formulas adjust for custody time. I'm not sure why this is such a hard concept for you.

If your child visits your home you still need a bedroom, clothing and stuff for them.