How to have "the talk"

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Come home at lunch and take her. There are no kid issues. Just walk in the door, plant a deep kiss on her, pick her up and take her to the room. Take charge. She might be looking for a more aggressive you to turn her on.

Try sending her messages during the day that get her thinking about it. Don't overplay this. Once or twice a week. You can't jump from 2x per month to daily. Hopefully your know what she prefers. It could be something as simple as: when I left this morning, I looked at your sleeping and it took all my strength not to wake you and take you right there. I can't get you out of my head right now, so you might want to make sure the kids get to bed early tonight.
Or
You looked so good in the shower this morning. Any chance you wear that outfit to bed tonight?

It gives her a chance to fantasize a little and know what's coming. No every woman is into receiving such messages, so don't be crushed if she asks you to stop. All you can do is keep trying. Worst case scenario, reminder her that the week is up and it's time.

I'm the pp that suggested getting the attention of other women. You said you do. That's your opinion. Is it the right kind of attention, where they are laughing at your comments and touching your forearm. Right now, she feels safe and she can dismiss a conversation. Most women know the difference between a nice conversation between neighbors and/or friends and when things are getting sparky. You need to push it toward the latter. Right now she feels very safe and secure.

Are you a Seinfeld fan? If so, remember the episode where George is desperately trying to get the upper hand? You need hand. Right now, she has hand. Find a way to reverse that.

Attention of other women could backfire depending on her type. I wouldn’t suggest it.

Yea.. to me that would be a get out of jail free card.

Nope. If you were that motivated you would be having sex with DH

I am... but if he thinks being immature and flirting with other woman is going to fix it... bye Felicia there are other people to satisfy in this world.

If you are having sex with him then he wouldn't be doing this. Do you even know what the topic is?

Op is also having sex with his partner.... btw... keep up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Come home at lunch and take her. There are no kid issues. Just walk in the door, plant a deep kiss on her, pick her up and take her to the room. Take charge. She might be looking for a more aggressive you to turn her on.

Try sending her messages during the day that get her thinking about it. Don't overplay this. Once or twice a week. You can't jump from 2x per month to daily. Hopefully your know what she prefers. It could be something as simple as: when I left this morning, I looked at your sleeping and it took all my strength not to wake you and take you right there. I can't get you out of my head right now, so you might want to make sure the kids get to bed early tonight.
Or
You looked so good in the shower this morning. Any chance you wear that outfit to bed tonight?

It gives her a chance to fantasize a little and know what's coming. No every woman is into receiving such messages, so don't be crushed if she asks you to stop. All you can do is keep trying. Worst case scenario, reminder her that the week is up and it's time.

I'm the pp that suggested getting the attention of other women. You said you do. That's your opinion. Is it the right kind of attention, where they are laughing at your comments and touching your forearm. Right now, she feels safe and she can dismiss a conversation. Most women know the difference between a nice conversation between neighbors and/or friends and when things are getting sparky. You need to push it toward the latter. Right now she feels very safe and secure.

Are you a Seinfeld fan? If so, remember the episode where George is desperately trying to get the upper hand? You need hand. Right now, she has hand. Find a way to reverse that.

Attention of other women could backfire depending on her type. I wouldn’t suggest it.

Yea.. to me that would be a get out of jail free card.

Nope. If you were that motivated you would be having sex with DH

I am... but if he thinks being immature and flirting with other woman is going to fix it... bye Felicia there are other people to satisfy in this world.

If you are having sex with him then he wouldn't be doing this. Do you even know what the topic is?

This is not always the case. Some men need constant reassurance and validation just as some women do. It will just start another topic “ DW is angry with me now, how to restart our sex life?”

That is not the topic of this thread. Start a new one to discuss your issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she's already told/ shown you how often she wants it. What's there to talk about?

You want to force her to do it more often?

We don't actually know that. We know that he is sitting around waiting for her to initiate... so that's weird.

They have sex once a week. If it were once a month I'd say they could reach a compromise somehow for more. Otherwise, sounds like they have a good marriage. Don't know why he wants to rock the boat.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you need it more or it will create cracks in your marriage. Ask what you need to do to help change the situation for both of you. Be serious. Give her a wake up call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she's already told/ shown you how often she wants it. What's there to talk about?

You want to force her to do it more often?

We don't actually know that. We know that he is sitting around waiting for her to initiate... so that's weird.

They have sex once a week. If it were once a month I'd say they could reach a compromise somehow for more. Otherwise, sounds like they have a good marriage. Don't know why he wants to rock the boat.

He’s doesnt want to rock the boat - just wants to knock the boots.

[Anonymous]

Too much talk! Sometimes you can't walk on eggshells, be a man and take her (in the appropriate way). Be sure to be worth being "taken by"...clean, groomed and hard.

- woman that thinks over analyzing kills the mood. Everyone stop talking so much, unless during sex!

[Anonymous]

Tell her one of the reasons you married her was because she was fantastic in bed and you really miss that part of your relationship. When you do get her in bed make sure she gets what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Be happy with once a week. If you have this talk, it goes to once a year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you need it more or it will create cracks in your marriage. Ask what you need to do to help change the situation for both of you. Be serious. Give her a wake up call.

Yes unveiled threats always work wonders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be happy with once a week. If you have this talk, it goes to once a year

+1

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's planning her own "talk" with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.”

I'm curious as to whether wives would generally appreciate this sort of comment from their husbands or not. My wife struggles to be sexual and has told me as much. She'd regard this kind of comment as pressure to have sex which would kill her libido.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.”

I'm curious as to whether wives would generally appreciate this sort of comment from their husbands or not. My wife struggles to be sexual and has told me as much. She'd regard this kind of comment as pressure to have sex which would kill her libido.

A low drive woman would hate this. There is no fix for a low drive spouse. Decide whether or not you can live with it and act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.”

I'm curious as to whether wives would generally appreciate this sort of comment from their husbands or not. My wife struggles to be sexual and has told me as much. She'd regard this kind of comment as pressure to have sex which would kill her libido.

Showing direct desire and saying it in a way that is sexy..yes. Of course timing is everything. The biggest way to turn me on lies between my ears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.”

I'm curious as to whether wives would generally appreciate this sort of comment from their husbands or not. My wife struggles to be sexual and has told me as much. She'd regard this kind of comment as pressure to have sex which would kill her libido.

Showing direct desire and saying it in a way that is sexy..yes. Of course timing is everything. The biggest way to turn me on lies between my ears.

You want him to lie to you? Now I'm really confused. I hate being lied to