How to have "the talk"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Come home at lunch and take her. There are no kid issues. Just walk in the door, plant a deep kiss on her, pick her up and take her to the room. Take charge. She might be looking for a more aggressive you to turn her on.

Try sending her messages during the day that get her thinking about it. Don't overplay this. Once or twice a week. You can't jump from 2x per month to daily. Hopefully your know what she prefers. It could be something as simple as: when I left this morning, I looked at your sleeping and it took all my strength not to wake you and take you right there. I can't get you out of my head right now, so you might want to make sure the kids get to bed early tonight.
Or
You looked so good in the shower this morning. Any chance you wear that outfit to bed tonight?

It gives her a chance to fantasize a little and know what's coming. No every woman is into receiving such messages, so don't be crushed if she asks you to stop. All you can do is keep trying. Worst case scenario, reminder her that the week is up and it's time.

I'm the pp that suggested getting the attention of other women. You said you do. That's your opinion. Is it the right kind of attention, where they are laughing at your comments and touching your forearm. Right now, she feels safe and she can dismiss a conversation. Most women know the difference between a nice conversation between neighbors and/or friends and when things are getting sparky. You need to push it toward the latter. Right now she feels very safe and secure.

Are you a Seinfeld fan? If so, remember the episode where George is desperately trying to get the upper hand? You need hand. Right now, she has hand. Find a way to reverse that.

Attention of other women could backfire depending on her type. I wouldn’t suggest it.

It's very immature, not acting like a married man is going to put him in a dim light. People will be gossiping that he's a cheater.

I can only suggest compromising. He's probably not meeting ALL her expectations either. Find out what BOTH can do to meet half way. That's how long term marriages survive.

[Anonymous]

All the husbands not good in bed people, were you virgins when you married? Did you wait for marriage before having sex? Is being good in bed a skill you can lose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Are you only initiating 2-4 times a month, or are you initiating a lot more than that, mostly getting rejected, and succeeding only 2-4 times?

I hope you're not sitting around waiting for her to "offer". That never works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Oh so you are waiting for her to prove she wants it as much as you... head games.

Just initiate multiple times a week when it is appropriate and don't get butt hurt when she says no and your number will increase.

What works for me? Be completely upfront with her and say, “ You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.” Instead of telling her what’s missing in your conversation tell her what you are craving and provide opportunities to make it happen!

Is this OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

This is what the problem really is, you want her to want to do it more because she knows you want it. She likely thinks you two have reached a good compromise at once-ish a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Come home at lunch and take her. There are no kid issues. Just walk in the door, plant a deep kiss on her, pick her up and take her to the room. Take charge. She might be looking for a more aggressive you to turn her on.

Try sending her messages during the day that get her thinking about it. Don't overplay this. Once or twice a week. You can't jump from 2x per month to daily. Hopefully your know what she prefers. It could be something as simple as: when I left this morning, I looked at your sleeping and it took all my strength not to wake you and take you right there. I can't get you out of my head right now, so you might want to make sure the kids get to bed early tonight.
Or
You looked so good in the shower this morning. Any chance you wear that outfit to bed tonight?

It gives her a chance to fantasize a little and know what's coming. No every woman is into receiving such messages, so don't be crushed if she asks you to stop. All you can do is keep trying. Worst case scenario, reminder her that the week is up and it's time.

I'm the pp that suggested getting the attention of other women. You said you do. That's your opinion. Is it the right kind of attention, where they are laughing at your comments and touching your forearm. Right now, she feels safe and she can dismiss a conversation. Most women know the difference between a nice conversation between neighbors and/or friends and when things are getting sparky. You need to push it toward the latter. Right now she feels very safe and secure.

Are you a Seinfeld fan? If so, remember the episode where George is desperately trying to get the upper hand? You need hand. Right now, she has hand. Find a way to reverse that.

Attention of other women could backfire depending on her type. I wouldn’t suggest it.

Yea.. to me that would be a get out of jail free card.

Nope. If you were that motivated you would be having sex with DH

I am... but if he thinks being immature and flirting with other woman is going to fix it... bye Felicia there are other people to satisfy in this world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP she's already told/ shown you how often she wants it. What's there to talk about?

You want to force her to do it more often?

We don't actually know that. We know that he is sitting around waiting for her to initiate... so that's weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the husbands not good in bed people, were you virgins when you married? Did you wait for marriage before having sex? Is being good in bed a skill you can lose?

Nah. Nothing changed other than their perception of their husbands. When they were dating and they were still attracted to him, the sex was great, but now they've been married for a while and they're no longer attracted to him, the same sex is "boring, a chore, he's no good at it".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

It was stated earlier in the thread. Women believe the amount of sex they want is the proper amount for the marriage. It doesn't matter if they are high drive or low drive. They amount they want is the right amount

DW here. We don't have sex nearly often enough for him. But here's the thing - its a fairly miserable experience for me. He (although an amazing partner is most ways) really isn't good at it. It's a chore and one that is often unpleasant. If we had great sex, maybe the threshold would be different. But as it is it feels like "one more thing" I have to do for him. So you can imagine my motivation isn't fantastic. What would you suggest in this situation.

This relationship should not gone past the 4th date. Shame on him for not being "good at it" but shame on you for marrying him! Divorce and find somebody who you are sexually compatible with.

Sex was/is not important to her. That is the reason you marry someone who you do not enjoy having sex with. She married him for other reason, like he makes good money, would take care of her, etc. Now I do not think you can say shame on him. People both men and women are bad at sex. It’s stereotypical to say oh the man is horrible at sex while every woman is great at it. Not all parts fit the same. So it could be he is fine at it but he is too large, shaped wrong, selfish, too small, etc. The same applied for her. She can be too tight, bad shape, need 15 minutes of foreplay, is selfish, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Oh so you are waiting for her to prove she wants it as much as you... head games.

Just initiate multiple times a week when it is appropriate and don't get butt hurt when she says no and your number will increase.

What works for me? Be completely upfront with her and say, “ You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.” Instead of telling her what’s missing in your conversation tell her what you are craving and provide opportunities to make it happen!

Is this OP?

No, a DW that can relate to OP’s post. This is what I wish my DH would say!

[Anonymous]

Ok, folks. There's a chapter in one of Tim Ferris' books (I think the 4 hour body?) that you all need to read. This is your homework. Read it with your partners. Buy the toys he recommends. Have better and more frequent sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Come home at lunch and take her. There are no kid issues. Just walk in the door, plant a deep kiss on her, pick her up and take her to the room. Take charge. She might be looking for a more aggressive you to turn her on.

Try sending her messages during the day that get her thinking about it. Don't overplay this. Once or twice a week. You can't jump from 2x per month to daily. Hopefully your know what she prefers. It could be something as simple as: when I left this morning, I looked at your sleeping and it took all my strength not to wake you and take you right there. I can't get you out of my head right now, so you might want to make sure the kids get to bed early tonight.
Or
You looked so good in the shower this morning. Any chance you wear that outfit to bed tonight?

It gives her a chance to fantasize a little and know what's coming. No every woman is into receiving such messages, so don't be crushed if she asks you to stop. All you can do is keep trying. Worst case scenario, reminder her that the week is up and it's time.

I'm the pp that suggested getting the attention of other women. You said you do. That's your opinion. Is it the right kind of attention, where they are laughing at your comments and touching your forearm. Right now, she feels safe and she can dismiss a conversation. Most women know the difference between a nice conversation between neighbors and/or friends and when things are getting sparky. You need to push it toward the latter. Right now she feels very safe and secure.

Are you a Seinfeld fan? If so, remember the episode where George is desperately trying to get the upper hand? You need hand. Right now, she has hand. Find a way to reverse that.

Attention of other women could backfire depending on her type. I wouldn’t suggest it.

Yea.. to me that would be a get out of jail free card.

Nope. If you were that motivated you would be having sex with DH

I am... but if he thinks being immature and flirting with other woman is going to fix it... bye Felicia there are other people to satisfy in this world.

If you are having sex with him then he wouldn't be doing this. Do you even know what the topic is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband would constantly have this talk with me. Finally I broke down and told him the truth. Sex with him was like a chore. I felt like I needed to do it for maintenance but never really wanted to do it with him. Why? I was tired of working out to keep my body right after 3 kids, wear lingerie, spice it up, and he just comes to the bed with his 10 year old crusty underwear. How about you look and smell nice too? How about you get some abs? No way should I have abs after 3 kids and you have a gut after none. He comes to bed with food, and I don’t want to jump on you when the last image I have is of you stuffing your face and burping.

I feel like this is sort of the marriage dilemma in a nutshell: Being married is wonderful in my experience. I love having a partner, a mate. I love my husband. But living together means that you are not strangers - you are the people who have bad underwear and fart. And how is that sexy?

I wish I knew how you have all the companionable and loving aspects of marriage and also the newness required for desire. Let me know if you figure it out plz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Can you try going away for a weekend, or doing something that breaks up the routine? I honestly don't have great advice - but it seems like perhaps novelty would help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Come home at lunch and take her. There are no kid issues. Just walk in the door, plant a deep kiss on her, pick her up and take her to the room. Take charge. She might be looking for a more aggressive you to turn her on.

Try sending her messages during the day that get her thinking about it. Don't overplay this. Once or twice a week. You can't jump from 2x per month to daily. Hopefully your know what she prefers. It could be something as simple as: when I left this morning, I looked at your sleeping and it took all my strength not to wake you and take you right there. I can't get you out of my head right now, so you might want to make sure the kids get to bed early tonight.
Or
You looked so good in the shower this morning. Any chance you wear that outfit to bed tonight?

It gives her a chance to fantasize a little and know what's coming. No every woman is into receiving such messages, so don't be crushed if she asks you to stop. All you can do is keep trying. Worst case scenario, reminder her that the week is up and it's time.

I'm the pp that suggested getting the attention of other women. You said you do. That's your opinion. Is it the right kind of attention, where they are laughing at your comments and touching your forearm. Right now, she feels safe and she can dismiss a conversation. Most women know the difference between a nice conversation between neighbors and/or friends and when things are getting sparky. You need to push it toward the latter. Right now she feels very safe and secure.

Are you a Seinfeld fan? If so, remember the episode where George is desperately trying to get the upper hand? You need hand. Right now, she has hand. Find a way to reverse that.

Attention of other women could backfire depending on her type. I wouldn’t suggest it.

Yea.. to me that would be a get out of jail free card.

Nope. If you were that motivated you would be having sex with DH

I am... but if he thinks being immature and flirting with other woman is going to fix it... bye Felicia there are other people to satisfy in this world.

If you are having sex with him then he wouldn't be doing this. Do you even know what the topic is?

This is not always the case. Some men need constant reassurance and validation just as some women do. It will just start another topic “ DW is angry with me now, how to restart our sex life?”