MIL is bitching about the way I host holidays

[Anonymous]

I would probably tell my husband he can cook whatever he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell us the menu OP. Did you have ham and cheesy potatoes for Easter? If so, I approve.

Yes we did! We also had spinach, walnut, raspberry salad, quiche Lorraine, quiche Florentine, eggs, glazed ham, fruit tart cake, smoked salmon!

You could always host me instead of your MIL if you want... I promise I will only be happy with the above.

[Anonymous]

On one hand, catered food on holidays sucks. On the other hand (the one that really matters), if no one else is going to host, then do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask the MIL what traditions she would like to see. It seems like the simple and kind thing to do. As a hostess, I want my guests to be happy and comfortable. As a DIL, I want to honor and respect my MIL. I have a high enough self-esteem that I can adjust my menu or practices without feeling threatened.

Respect goes both ways, Karen. People who have high self esteem don’t have to proclaim it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell us the menu OP. Did you have ham and cheesy potatoes for Easter? If so, I approve.

Yes we did! We also had spinach, walnut, raspberry salad, quiche Lorraine, quiche Florentine, eggs, glazed ham, fruit tart cake, smoked salmon!

Yum. Forget MIL, OP. I’d be happy to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask the MIL what traditions she would like to see. It seems like the simple and kind thing to do. As a hostess, I want my guests to be happy and comfortable. As a DIL, I want to honor and respect my MIL. I have a high enough self-esteem that I can adjust my menu or practices without feeling threatened.

Respect goes both ways, Karen. People who have high self esteem don’t have to proclaim it.

You need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask the MIL what traditions she would like to see. It seems like the simple and kind thing to do. As a hostess, I want my guests to be happy and comfortable. As a DIL, I want to honor and respect my MIL. I have a high enough self-esteem that I can adjust my menu or practices without feeling threatened.

Respect goes both ways, Karen. People who have high self esteem don’t have to proclaim it.

You need help.

Me or the honorable DIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask the MIL what traditions she would like to see. It seems like the simple and kind thing to do. As a hostess, I want my guests to be happy and comfortable. As a DIL, I want to honor and respect my MIL. I have a high enough self-esteem that I can adjust my menu or practices without feeling threatened.

It would be one thing if MIL waited for a private moment with her son and DIL and kindly asked them to consider incorporating tradition X and Y, and offered to help make that possible.

That's not what is happening here. MIL is actively complaining and criticizing; any etiquette expert would tell you the #1 rule of being a good guest is to not criticize your host.

OP is not "feeling threatened" over nothing; she is feeling offended by offensive behavior.

I honor and respect all of my family members who treat me with basic courtesy. I don't tolerate or excuse rude behavior to me or to members of my family in my own home, regardless of the age or "rank" of the person exhibiting the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask the MIL what traditions she would like to see. It seems like the simple and kind thing to do. As a hostess, I want my guests to be happy and comfortable. As a DIL, I want to honor and respect my MIL. I have a high enough self-esteem that I can adjust my menu or practices without feeling threatened.

It would be one thing if MIL waited for a private moment with her son and DIL and kindly asked them to consider incorporating tradition X and Y, and offered to help make that possible.

That's not what is happening here. MIL is actively complaining and criticizing; any etiquette expert would tell you the #1 rule of being a good guest is to not criticize your host.

OP is not "feeling threatened" over nothing; she is feeling offended by offensive behavior.

I honor and respect all of my family members who treat me with basic courtesy. I don't tolerate or excuse rude behavior to me or to members of my family in my own home, regardless of the age or "rank" of the person exhibiting the behavior.

To the person above the only tradition she seems to care is the tradition of the woman slaving in the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, is it the food you serve or is there something else in the vein of tradition she's complaining about? For instance, are they a family that says grace before meals at holiday time? Do they serve a piece from a single egg at Easter? Do they follow a religion different from yours? Do they wear funny hats on the Fourth???

I can’t think of any tradition honestly.

Sorry I misspelled champagne!

To those who thinks my catered food is not good, if I cook it will be worse than any catered food you ever tried. Also I make a salad myself)

Last Christmas MIL made a huge deal because I don’t make homemade buns, so when I catered she requested not to order buns because she was going to make them. At the end she forgot to make them and we didn’t have buns at all. So this kind of thing happens constantly.

Ugh. That would drive me bonkers. However, maybe she just wants to feel included. I know that cooking together is a kind of bonding that has gone on in my family for generations before and after coming to the US. Maybe there is something simple you make with her? Maybe say something along the lines of "I'd like to start a tradition with you ...." It doesn't have to be cooking. Maybe its something she and the grandkids could do. Good luck.

Forgot to add an idea that may inspire you: when my great grandma got too old to help with meal prep, she and I would fold napkins when I was little.

I think it is up to OP's DH and his mother to continue traditions if they are so important. OP doesn't need to herself, and it seems like MIL won't appreciate OP's participation in any case.

Depends on whether OP wants to forge any bonds with her MIL. If OP reaches out and MIL firmly rejects, then so be it. DH can handle his mother.

People these days seem hell bent on drawing lines everywhere (your bank account, my bank account; your retirement funds, my retirement funds; your family, my family). The personal plural possessive adjective OURS almost seems anachronistic.

+1 PP You're all family, OP. She is part of the family you chose when you chose her son. It seems disingenuous to be so contrary and inhospitable to her. Find out what she wants, forgive her if she forgets and have a back-up. After all, she raised the man you married and now both of you love him. Find a little generosity of spirit for her.

Yes, that's true - but does he have any responsibility here? How about *he* show some generosity of spirit?

There are a couple of things we did growing up that I *hated* about holidays. So, we changed them. My mother clearly disapproves, but it's my house. I take the hear for it, and don't throw my wife under the bus. Sounds like OP's DH should do the same.

- Man

By all means, if DH doesn't like it, he can speak up, but even if DH likes what OP is doing, there is no harm at OP making an attempt to build a relationship with MIL. If MIL is uninterested, so be it. So far, it only sounds like OP has taken the my-way-or-the-highway attitude. God help the DH if he tells OP he actually likes what his mother is suggesting. My guess is that we don't hear about DH's involvement because OP either ignores her DH's opinions so he gives up saying anything -OR- DH doesn't really care one way or the other, and so the issue really is between OP and the MIL. If DH agrees with OP, then yes by all means he should say something to his MIL. If he agrees with his mother, he should tell OP and prepare for a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shampagne? Sounds klassy.

Op sounds like a bitch herself.

Poor MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shampagne? Sounds klassy.

Op sounds like a bitch herself.

Poor MIL.

DP How so? MIL is being rude and if she wants to continue some traditions, she should talk to her son about how that would work (her hosting instead, she brings something, son prepares her favorite).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, is it the food you serve or is there something else in the vein of tradition she's complaining about? For instance, are they a family that says grace before meals at holiday time? Do they serve a piece from a single egg at Easter? Do they follow a religion different from yours? Do they wear funny hats on the Fourth???

I can’t think of any tradition honestly.

Sorry I misspelled champagne!

To those who thinks my catered food is not good, if I cook it will be worse than any catered food you ever tried. Also I make a salad myself)

Last Christmas MIL made a huge deal because I don’t make homemade buns, so when I catered she requested not to order buns because she was going to make them. At the end she forgot to make them and we didn’t have buns at all. So this kind of thing happens constantly.

Ugh. That would drive me bonkers. However, maybe she just wants to feel included. I know that cooking together is a kind of bonding that has gone on in my family for generations before and after coming to the US. Maybe there is something simple you make with her? Maybe say something along the lines of "I'd like to start a tradition with you ...." It doesn't have to be cooking. Maybe its something she and the grandkids could do. Good luck.

Forgot to add an idea that may inspire you: when my great grandma got too old to help with meal prep, she and I would fold napkins when I was little.

I think it is up to OP's DH and his mother to continue traditions if they are so important. OP doesn't need to herself, and it seems like MIL won't appreciate OP's participation in any case.

Depends on whether OP wants to forge any bonds with her MIL. If OP reaches out and MIL firmly rejects, then so be it. DH can handle his mother.

People these days seem hell bent on drawing lines everywhere (your bank account, my bank account; your retirement funds, my retirement funds; your family, my family). The personal plural possessive adjective OURS almost seems anachronistic.

+1 PP You're all family, OP. She is part of the family you chose when you chose her son. It seems disingenuous to be so contrary and inhospitable to her. Find out what she wants, forgive her if she forgets and have a back-up. After all, she raised the man you married and now both of you love him. Find a little generosity of spirit for her.

Yes, that's true - but does he have any responsibility here? How about *he* show some generosity of spirit?

There are a couple of things we did growing up that I *hated* about holidays. So, we changed them. My mother clearly disapproves, but it's my house. I take the hear for it, and don't throw my wife under the bus. Sounds like OP's DH should do the same.

- Man

By all means, if DH doesn't like it, he can speak up, but even if DH likes what OP is doing, there is no harm at OP making an attempt to build a relationship with MIL. If MIL is uninterested, so be it. So far, it only sounds like OP has taken the my-way-or-the-highway attitude. God help the DH if he tells OP he actually likes what his mother is suggesting. My guess is that we don't hear about DH's involvement because OP either ignores her DH's opinions so he gives up saying anything -OR- DH doesn't really care one way or the other, and so the issue really is between OP and the MIL. If DH agrees with OP, then yes by all means he should say something to his MIL. If he agrees with his mother, he should tell OP and prepare for a divorce.

Again, some more, if you talk to me privately and kindly about whether I will consider incorporating X or Y into holidays in my home, and offering to help make it happen, my answer is going to be yes. That's how most reasonable people will respond.

If you show up to the home I have cleaned for you and eat the food I have purchased and arranged for you and say not a word of thanks and instead complain, complain, complain? Then yes, that is where it WILL be my-way-or-the-highway.

Come to me with respect and kindness, you will get respect and kindness. Come to me--in my own home--with rudeness and hostility? I'm above you, so I'll remain cordial to a point, but you won't get what you want. Try asking nicely next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shampagne? Sounds klassy.

Op sounds like a bitch herself.

Poor MIL.

Why Op sounds like a bitch? Because she doesn’t want to cook like in 1950?

[Anonymous]

I get the house preference. My parents prefer special meals at our house as it's bigger, more updated and dining table larger. They've straight up said so. But.....they will often bring dishes and don't whine about any food we catered, which isn't unusual with both parents working too.