MIL is bitching about the way I host holidays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, is it the food you serve or is there something else in the vein of tradition she's complaining about? For instance, are they a family that says grace before meals at holiday time? Do they serve a piece from a single egg at Easter? Do they follow a religion different from yours? Do they wear funny hats on the Fourth???

I can’t think of any tradition honestly.

Sorry I misspelled champagne!

To those who thinks my catered food is not good, if I cook it will be worse than any catered food you ever tried. Also I make a salad myself)

Last Christmas MIL made a huge deal because I don’t make homemade buns, so when I catered she requested not to order buns because she was going to make them. At the end she forgot to make them and we didn’t have buns at all. So this kind of thing happens constantly.

Ugh. That would drive me bonkers. However, maybe she just wants to feel included. I know that cooking together is a kind of bonding that has gone on in my family for generations before and after coming to the US. Maybe there is something simple you make with her? Maybe say something along the lines of "I'd like to start a tradition with you ...." It doesn't have to be cooking. Maybe its something she and the grandkids could do. Good luck.

Forgot to add an idea that may inspire you: when my great grandma got too old to help with meal prep, she and I would fold napkins when I was little.

I think it is up to OP's DH and his mother to continue traditions if they are so important. OP doesn't need to herself, and it seems like MIL won't appreciate OP's participation in any case.

Depends on whether OP wants to forge any bonds with her MIL. If OP reaches out and MIL firmly rejects, then so be it. DH can handle his mother.

People these days seem hell bent on drawing lines everywhere (your bank account, my bank account; your retirement funds, my retirement funds; your family, my family). The personal plural possessive adjective OURS almost seems anachronistic.

+1 PP You're all family, OP. She is part of the family you chose when you chose her son. It seems disingenuous to be so contrary and inhospitable to her. Find out what she wants, forgive her if she forgets and have a back-up. After all, she raised the man you married and now both of you love him. Find a little generosity of spirit for her.

Yes, that's true - but does he have any responsibility here? How about *he* show some generosity of spirit?

There are a couple of things we did growing up that I *hated* about holidays. So, we changed them. My mother clearly disapproves, but it's my house. I take the hear for it, and don't throw my wife under the bus. Sounds like OP's DH should do the same.

- Man

By all means, if DH doesn't like it, he can speak up, but even if DH likes what OP is doing, there is no harm at OP making an attempt to build a relationship with MIL. If MIL is uninterested, so be it. So far, it only sounds like OP has taken the my-way-or-the-highway attitude. God help the DH if he tells OP he actually likes what his mother is suggesting. My guess is that we don't hear about DH's involvement because OP either ignores her DH's opinions so he gives up saying anything -OR- DH doesn't really care one way or the other, and so the issue really is between OP and the MIL. If DH agrees with OP, then yes by all means he should say something to his MIL. If he agrees with his mother, he should tell OP and prepare for a divorce.

Again, some more, if you talk to me privately and kindly about whether I will consider incorporating X or Y into holidays in my home, and offering to help make it happen, my answer is going to be yes. That's how most reasonable people will respond.

If you show up to the home I have cleaned for you and eat the food I have purchased and arranged for you and say not a word of thanks and instead complain, complain, complain? Then yes, that is where it WILL be my-way-or-the-highway.

Come to me with respect and kindness, you will get respect and kindness. Come to me--in my own home--with rudeness and hostility? I'm above you, so I'll remain cordial to a point, but you won't get what you want. Try asking nicely next time.

I agree with you to a point. The problem is, we don't really know whether MIL is actually being hostile, or whether OP is being too thin skinned? So far, all I see are calls to escalate the situation with MIL rather than to be an adult trying to find a solution for better family unity. For all we know, MIL made a comment/wish as nicely as possible, and OP rushed to blow things up. WE DON'T KNOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, is it the food you serve or is there something else in the vein of tradition she's complaining about? For instance, are they a family that says grace before meals at holiday time? Do they serve a piece from a single egg at Easter? Do they follow a religion different from yours? Do they wear funny hats on the Fourth???

I can’t think of any tradition honestly.

Sorry I misspelled champagne!

To those who thinks my catered food is not good, if I cook it will be worse than any catered food you ever tried. Also I make a salad myself)

Last Christmas MIL made a huge deal because I don’t make homemade buns, so when I catered she requested not to order buns because she was going to make them. At the end she forgot to make them and we didn’t have buns at all. So this kind of thing happens constantly.

Ugh. That would drive me bonkers. However, maybe she just wants to feel included. I know that cooking together is a kind of bonding that has gone on in my family for generations before and after coming to the US. Maybe there is something simple you make with her? Maybe say something along the lines of "I'd like to start a tradition with you ...." It doesn't have to be cooking. Maybe its something she and the grandkids could do. Good luck.

Forgot to add an idea that may inspire you: when my great grandma got too old to help with meal prep, she and I would fold napkins when I was little.

I think it is up to OP's DH and his mother to continue traditions if they are so important. OP doesn't need to herself, and it seems like MIL won't appreciate OP's participation in any case.

Depends on whether OP wants to forge any bonds with her MIL. If OP reaches out and MIL firmly rejects, then so be it. DH can handle his mother.

People these days seem hell bent on drawing lines everywhere (your bank account, my bank account; your retirement funds, my retirement funds; your family, my family). The personal plural possessive adjective OURS almost seems anachronistic.

+1 PP You're all family, OP. She is part of the family you chose when you chose her son. It seems disingenuous to be so contrary and inhospitable to her. Find out what she wants, forgive her if she forgets and have a back-up. After all, she raised the man you married and now both of you love him. Find a little generosity of spirit for her.

Yes, that's true - but does he have any responsibility here? How about *he* show some generosity of spirit?

There are a couple of things we did growing up that I *hated* about holidays. So, we changed them. My mother clearly disapproves, but it's my house. I take the hear for it, and don't throw my wife under the bus. Sounds like OP's DH should do the same.

- Man

By all means, if DH doesn't like it, he can speak up, but even if DH likes what OP is doing, there is no harm at OP making an attempt to build a relationship with MIL. If MIL is uninterested, so be it. So far, it only sounds like OP has taken the my-way-or-the-highway attitude. God help the DH if he tells OP he actually likes what his mother is suggesting. My guess is that we don't hear about DH's involvement because OP either ignores her DH's opinions so he gives up saying anything -OR- DH doesn't really care one way or the other, and so the issue really is between OP and the MIL. If DH agrees with OP, then yes by all means he should say something to his MIL. If he agrees with his mother, he should tell OP and prepare for a divorce.

Again, some more, if you talk to me privately and kindly about whether I will consider incorporating X or Y into holidays in my home, and offering to help make it happen, my answer is going to be yes. That's how most reasonable people will respond.

If you show up to the home I have cleaned for you and eat the food I have purchased and arranged for you and say not a word of thanks and instead complain, complain, complain? Then yes, that is where it WILL be my-way-or-the-highway.

Come to me with respect and kindness, you will get respect and kindness. Come to me--in my own home--with rudeness and hostility? I'm above you, so I'll remain cordial to a point, but you won't get what you want. Try asking nicely next time.

I agree with you to a point. The problem is, we don't really know whether MIL is actually being hostile, or whether OP is being too thin skinned? So far, all I see are calls to escalate the situation with MIL rather than to be an adult trying to find a solution for better family unity. For all we know, MIL made a comment/wish as nicely as possible, and OP rushed to blow things up. WE DON'T KNOW.

I think OP's first post was pretty telling:

We just hosted Easter brunch and Mother’s Day brunch and MIL was bitching entire time that I don’t follow traditions. My mom told me not to worry as she seems to be the type when DIL( myself included) not good enough in anything.

Two events and behavior was continuous, and focused on traditions. There appears to be a history given OP's mom's advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, is it the food you serve or is there something else in the vein of tradition she's complaining about? For instance, are they a family that says grace before meals at holiday time? Do they serve a piece from a single egg at Easter? Do they follow a religion different from yours? Do they wear funny hats on the Fourth???

I can’t think of any tradition honestly.

Sorry I misspelled champagne!

To those who thinks my catered food is not good, if I cook it will be worse than any catered food you ever tried. Also I make a salad myself)

Last Christmas MIL made a huge deal because I don’t make homemade buns, so when I catered she requested not to order buns because she was going to make them. At the end she forgot to make them and we didn’t have buns at all. So this kind of thing happens constantly.

Ugh. That would drive me bonkers. However, maybe she just wants to feel included. I know that cooking together is a kind of bonding that has gone on in my family for generations before and after coming to the US. Maybe there is something simple you make with her? Maybe say something along the lines of "I'd like to start a tradition with you ...." It doesn't have to be cooking. Maybe its something she and the grandkids could do. Good luck.

Forgot to add an idea that may inspire you: when my great grandma got too old to help with meal prep, she and I would fold napkins when I was little.

I think it is up to OP's DH and his mother to continue traditions if they are so important. OP doesn't need to herself, and it seems like MIL won't appreciate OP's participation in any case.

Depends on whether OP wants to forge any bonds with her MIL. If OP reaches out and MIL firmly rejects, then so be it. DH can handle his mother.

People these days seem hell bent on drawing lines everywhere (your bank account, my bank account; your retirement funds, my retirement funds; your family, my family). The personal plural possessive adjective OURS almost seems anachronistic.

+1 PP You're all family, OP. She is part of the family you chose when you chose her son. It seems disingenuous to be so contrary and inhospitable to her. Find out what she wants, forgive her if she forgets and have a back-up. After all, she raised the man you married and now both of you love him. Find a little generosity of spirit for her.

Yes, that's true - but does he have any responsibility here? How about *he* show some generosity of spirit?

There are a couple of things we did growing up that I *hated* about holidays. So, we changed them. My mother clearly disapproves, but it's my house. I take the hear for it, and don't throw my wife under the bus. Sounds like OP's DH should do the same.

- Man

By all means, if DH doesn't like it, he can speak up, but even if DH likes what OP is doing, there is no harm at OP making an attempt to build a relationship with MIL. If MIL is uninterested, so be it. So far, it only sounds like OP has taken the my-way-or-the-highway attitude. God help the DH if he tells OP he actually likes what his mother is suggesting. My guess is that we don't hear about DH's involvement because OP either ignores her DH's opinions so he gives up saying anything -OR- DH doesn't really care one way or the other, and so the issue really is between OP and the MIL. If DH agrees with OP, then yes by all means he should say something to his MIL. If he agrees with his mother, he should tell OP and prepare for a divorce.

Again, some more, if you talk to me privately and kindly about whether I will consider incorporating X or Y into holidays in my home, and offering to help make it happen, my answer is going to be yes. That's how most reasonable people will respond.

If you show up to the home I have cleaned for you and eat the food I have purchased and arranged for you and say not a word of thanks and instead complain, complain, complain? Then yes, that is where it WILL be my-way-or-the-highway.

Come to me with respect and kindness, you will get respect and kindness. Come to me--in my own home--with rudeness and hostility? I'm above you, so I'll remain cordial to a point, but you won't get what you want. Try asking nicely next time.

I agree with you to a point. The problem is, we don't really know whether MIL is actually being hostile, or whether OP is being too thin skinned? So far, all I see are calls to escalate the situation with MIL rather than to be an adult trying to find a solution for better family unity. For all we know, MIL made a comment/wish as nicely as possible, and OP rushed to blow things up. WE DON'T KNOW.

And where is your irritation and doubt of the OP's husband? You know, the son that MIL raised?

Oh, wait, never mind. That's right. He doesn't have a vagina, so none of this is on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, is it the food you serve or is there something else in the vein of tradition she's complaining about? For instance, are they a family that says grace before meals at holiday time? Do they serve a piece from a single egg at Easter? Do they follow a religion different from yours? Do they wear funny hats on the Fourth???

I can’t think of any tradition honestly.

Sorry I misspelled champagne!

To those who thinks my catered food is not good, if I cook it will be worse than any catered food you ever tried. Also I make a salad myself)

Last Christmas MIL made a huge deal because I don’t make homemade buns, so when I catered she requested not to order buns because she was going to make them. At the end she forgot to make them and we didn’t have buns at all. So this kind of thing happens constantly.

Ugh. That would drive me bonkers. However, maybe she just wants to feel included. I know that cooking together is a kind of bonding that has gone on in my family for generations before and after coming to the US. Maybe there is something simple you make with her? Maybe say something along the lines of "I'd like to start a tradition with you ...." It doesn't have to be cooking. Maybe its something she and the grandkids could do. Good luck.

Forgot to add an idea that may inspire you: when my great grandma got too old to help with meal prep, she and I would fold napkins when I was little.

I think it is up to OP's DH and his mother to continue traditions if they are so important. OP doesn't need to herself, and it seems like MIL won't appreciate OP's participation in any case.

Depends on whether OP wants to forge any bonds with her MIL. If OP reaches out and MIL firmly rejects, then so be it. DH can handle his mother.

People these days seem hell bent on drawing lines everywhere (your bank account, my bank account; your retirement funds, my retirement funds; your family, my family). The personal plural possessive adjective OURS almost seems anachronistic.

+1 PP You're all family, OP. She is part of the family you chose when you chose her son. It seems disingenuous to be so contrary and inhospitable to her. Find out what she wants, forgive her if she forgets and have a back-up. After all, she raised the man you married and now both of you love him. Find a little generosity of spirit for her.

Yes, that's true - but does he have any responsibility here? How about *he* show some generosity of spirit?

There are a couple of things we did growing up that I *hated* about holidays. So, we changed them. My mother clearly disapproves, but it's my house. I take the hear for it, and don't throw my wife under the bus. Sounds like OP's DH should do the same.

- Man

By all means, if DH doesn't like it, he can speak up, but even if DH likes what OP is doing, there is no harm at OP making an attempt to build a relationship with MIL. If MIL is uninterested, so be it. So far, it only sounds like OP has taken the my-way-or-the-highway attitude. God help the DH if he tells OP he actually likes what his mother is suggesting. My guess is that we don't hear about DH's involvement because OP either ignores her DH's opinions so he gives up saying anything -OR- DH doesn't really care one way or the other, and so the issue really is between OP and the MIL. If DH agrees with OP, then yes by all means he should say something to his MIL. If he agrees with his mother, he should tell OP and prepare for a divorce.

Again, some more, if you talk to me privately and kindly about whether I will consider incorporating X or Y into holidays in my home, and offering to help make it happen, my answer is going to be yes. That's how most reasonable people will respond.

If you show up to the home I have cleaned for you and eat the food I have purchased and arranged for you and say not a word of thanks and instead complain, complain, complain? Then yes, that is where it WILL be my-way-or-the-highway.

Come to me with respect and kindness, you will get respect and kindness. Come to me--in my own home--with rudeness and hostility? I'm above you, so I'll remain cordial to a point, but you won't get what you want. Try asking nicely next time.

I agree with you to a point. The problem is, we don't really know whether MIL is actually being hostile, or whether OP is being too thin skinned? So far, all I see are calls to escalate the situation with MIL rather than to be an adult trying to find a solution for better family unity. For all we know, MIL made a comment/wish as nicely as possible, and OP rushed to blow things up. WE DON'T KNOW.

And where is your irritation and doubt of the OP's husband? You know, the son that MIL raised?

Oh, wait, never mind. That's right. He doesn't have a vagina, so none of this is on him.

I already addressed that. If he agrees with his wife, then address things with his mother. If he agrees with his mother, then address it with his wife and prepare to divorce. If he doesn't care one way or the other, why should he be involved? Is OP a princess that needs a man to fight for her?

I feel sorry for any kids that have to deal with these grown-ups (OP, MIL, DH ... FIL, uncles, aunts, neighbors... who else can we involve?) who haven't attempted to find an amicable solution.

[Anonymous]

I already addressed that. If he agrees with his wife, then address things with his mother. If he agrees with his mother, then address it with his wife and prepare to divorce. If he doesn't care one way or the other, why should he be involved? Is OP a princess that needs a man to fight for her?

I feel sorry for any kids that have to deal with these grown-ups (OP, MIL, DH ... FIL, uncles, aunts, neighbors... who else can we involve?) who haven't attempted to find an amicable solution.

Wow, you are a peach. His mother is being insulting to his wife, want something-something "tradition" and he shouldn't be involved. I think it's entirely on him to placate/deal with his mother's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Ignore. Continue to ignore. To a point.

Then say something along the lines of: "I'm sorry you are unhappy with the meal we've provided. But, I have to say, you've been really rude about it. Maybe since you dislike it so much, you should consider hosting the next one (or finding somewhere else to celebrate)."

Sorry. Not putting up with that from anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I already addressed that. If he agrees with his wife, then address things with his mother. If he agrees with his mother, then address it with his wife and prepare to divorce. If he doesn't care one way or the other, why should he be involved? Is OP a princess that needs a man to fight for her?

I feel sorry for any kids that have to deal with these grown-ups (OP, MIL, DH ... FIL, uncles, aunts, neighbors... who else can we involve?) who haven't attempted to find an amicable solution.

Wow, you are a peach. His mother is being insulting to his wife, want something-something "tradition" and he shouldn't be involved. I think it's entirely on him to placate/deal with his mother's behavior.

You don't even know who threw the first punch. Everyone needs to pick their battles. This may not be the one he wants to die on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell us the menu OP. Did you have ham and cheesy potatoes for Easter? If so, I approve.

Yes we did! We also had spinach, walnut, raspberry salad, quiche Lorraine, quiche Florentine, eggs, glazed ham, fruit tart cake, smoked salmon!

Given that OP's Easter menu sounds pretty "traditional," it's not clear what MIL was unhappy about. OP said she was fine with MIL bringing a particular dish before, so it seems like MIL is just mad that OP caters and doesn't cook from scratch. Which I have little sympathy for. If MIL wants to host and make a homemade meal, OP should let her, but if MIL is happy with OP hosting and just wants her to do things differently, too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shampagne? Sounds klassy.

It's actually "c"hampoo with bubbles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell us the menu OP. Did you have ham and cheesy potatoes for Easter? If so, I approve.

Yes we did! We also had spinach, walnut, raspberry salad, quiche Lorraine, quiche Florentine, eggs, glazed ham, fruit tart cake, smoked salmon!

Given that OP's Easter menu sounds pretty "traditional," it's not clear what MIL was unhappy about. OP said she was fine with MIL bringing a particular dish before, so it seems like MIL is just mad that OP caters and doesn't cook from scratch. Which I have little sympathy for. If MIL wants to host and make a homemade meal, OP should let her, but if MIL is happy with OP hosting and just wants her to do things differently, too bad.

Yes, that’s it. She wants me to cook from scratch. On mother’s day brunch she asked 3 times if I made the cinnamon rolls myself, I answered 3 times that I bought them from Costco. I am thinking next time I’ll just say “yes, I made them”!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell us the menu OP. Did you have ham and cheesy potatoes for Easter? If so, I approve.

Yes we did! We also had spinach, walnut, raspberry salad, quiche Lorraine, quiche Florentine, eggs, glazed ham, fruit tart cake, smoked salmon!

Given that OP's Easter menu sounds pretty "traditional," it's not clear what MIL was unhappy about. OP said she was fine with MIL bringing a particular dish before, so it seems like MIL is just mad that OP caters and doesn't cook from scratch. Which I have little sympathy for. If MIL wants to host and make a homemade meal, OP should let her, but if MIL is happy with OP hosting and just wants her to do things differently, too bad.

Yes, that’s it. She wants me to cook from scratch. On mother’s day brunch she asked 3 times if I made the cinnamon rolls myself, I answered 3 times that I bought them from Costco. I am thinking next time I’ll just say “yes, I made them”!

She’s really passive-aggressive. She must be a very unhappy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell us the menu OP. Did you have ham and cheesy potatoes for Easter? If so, I approve.

Yes we did! We also had spinach, walnut, raspberry salad, quiche Lorraine, quiche Florentine, eggs, glazed ham, fruit tart cake, smoked salmon!

Given that OP's Easter menu sounds pretty "traditional," it's not clear what MIL was unhappy about. OP said she was fine with MIL bringing a particular dish before, so it seems like MIL is just mad that OP caters and doesn't cook from scratch. Which I have little sympathy for. If MIL wants to host and make a homemade meal, OP should let her, but if MIL is happy with OP hosting and just wants her to do things differently, too bad.

Yes, that’s it. She wants me to cook from scratch. On mother’s day brunch she asked 3 times if I made the cinnamon rolls myself, I answered 3 times that I bought them from Costco. I am thinking next time I’ll just say “yes, I made them”!

She’s really passive-aggressive. She must be a very unhappy person.

I agree, and I think OP's MIL is pretty rude. But maybe she's a bit simple, and she only understands her own "love language" that homemade = effort and caring? Not that it's an excuse at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shampagne? Sounds klassy.

It's actually "c"hampoo with bubbles.

So glad you found each other

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is angry that you, a modern woman, has bought yourself out of the drudgery that is cooking all meals, which she had to do and was looking forward to seeing younger women in her family forced to do. You flipped the script and she doesn't like progress. Lots of women are like this--"I suffered in the name of tradition and so should you!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is angry that you, a modern woman, has bought yourself out of the drudgery that is cooking all meals, which she had to do and was looking forward to seeing younger women in her family forced to do. You flipped the script and she doesn't like progress. Lots of women are like this--"I suffered in the name of tradition and so should you!"

+1. DH finally told his mother last season that tradition was just peer pressure from dead (or almost dead) people and to lay off or find somewhere else to eat.