MIL is bitching about the way I host holidays

[Anonymous]

Offer her the kitchen and tell he rot cook.

[Anonymous]

She expects homemade buns???? OMG

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, criticizing a host is never okay, and your DH needs to tell his mother to back off.

That being said, OP you have not clarified whether your MIL would prefer hosting/has offered to host. DCUM doesn't tend to agree with me on this, but for some people (like me) having home cooked meals on certain holidays is a critical part of the holiday. If you are insisting on hosting and catering instead of letting someone who really does want to do the cooking do it, it can detract from the holiday for them. Just a thought.

MIL doesn’t want to host. Last year all the holidays were hosted by me. She likes our house better-it’s bigger, lighter, etc plus we have a huge backyard. They live in a patio home with no yard.

Here's where you can change the mindset. You and your DH should host but if there are traditions or preferences that he has from childhood, it is his responsibility to deal with them. From your OP, no matter what you do, it's not likely that your MIL will approve. So don't change. That doesn't mean your DH can't change if keeping her happy is what he wants.

[Anonymous]

What exactly are the traditions that she would like to see?

Next time she complains, just flat-out tell her in a pleasant but serious tone, "You know, Larla, you've complained repeatedly in the past. Part of being around other people means realizing that different people do things differently. This is how we do it in this house. You are always welcome to bring any additional items you'd like to see. But complaining about our hosting just makes it less fun to have you around, and I'm sure you'd prefer that we enjoy your company rather than dread it and view it as an obligation?" Big smile and then offer her a catered bun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, criticizing a host is never okay, and your DH needs to tell his mother to back off.

That being said, OP you have not clarified whether your MIL would prefer hosting/has offered to host. DCUM doesn't tend to agree with me on this, but for some people (like me) having home cooked meals on certain holidays is a critical part of the holiday. If you are insisting on hosting and catering instead of letting someone who really does want to do the cooking do it, it can detract from the holiday for them. Just a thought.

An invitation is not a summons. If you have been invited to an Easter brunch and it is important to you to eat home-cooked food on Easter, by all means, decline the invitation. Or politely offer, *once,* to bring items of home-cooked food. But if that offer is declined, move on with your day.

It is not impolite to decline an invitation, unless you try to negotiate or wheedle or moan or otherwise make a spectacle of yourself.

It IS unforgivably rude to accept an invitation and then complain about the food or what your host has done for their guests.

[Anonymous]

She misses the food of her youth and associates certain food with certain holidays. Many people do. Can you cater some of the holiday specific food that she likes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short I hate cooking. I work full time and most of the times I just cater everything, provide good shampagne etc. On holidays like 4th DH grills. We just hosted Easter brunch and Mother’s Day brunch and MIL was bitching entire time that I don’t follow traditions. My mom told me not to worry as she seems to be the type when DIL( myself included) not good enough in anything.

I guess just venting here.

What traditions? Whose traditions? And why isn't DH a) the target of her complaints and b) shutting her down?

Host less often. "Gosh, Marge, you always complained so much, I figured you didn't really like being here!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you host? I enjoy cooking so I host many family gatherings. I'm certain if I catered alot of family members would rather do their own thing. If I don't have the bandwidth to cook, I don't host.

OP says that her MIL likes her to host because her house is "nicer" (whatever that means in this context). If MIL was raring to host, that would be one thing--it would be a bit much to insist on hosting and then cater everything over everyone else's wishes. But if MIL isn't volunteering to host, then she needs to stop with the bitching. She could ask to bring something, or even suggest a potluck, but if she's going to let OP host, then she needs to accept that this is how OP does it.

People can enjoy hosting and not cooking--hosting also means cleaning, decorating, making people comfortable, introducing people and helping the conversation along, etc. People can be fabulous cooks and terrible hosts, or vice-versa.

[Anonymous]

Why do you host holidays? Let her do it and complain about her.

[Anonymous]

“MIL is bitching...” wow Op... real classic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is certainly out of line by complaining, but really you cater every time you host anything? Maybe there is a balance to be struck here between catering some items and cooking some items as well, or inviting your MIL and other guests to cook items and bring them.

Also if you don't like hosting or cooking, why not let someone else do it instead.

I love to cook an throw parties, but if someone doesn't - hosting is a chore! If no one else is will to do a better or any job, then beggars can't be choosers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“MIL is bitching...” wow Op... real classic.

Hi OP's MIL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shampagne? Sounds klassy.

The secret is a tablespoon of shampoo - makes it extra bubbly.

+1 This is why I’ll never be able to quit DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
While you ignore her nastiness, it's a good opportunity to review the way you host.

Is your catered food good? Can each guest find something they like to eat? Are hot foods hot and cold foods cold (major difficulty when hosting)? Enough comfortable seating, particularly for the elderly? Seating arranged to maximize conversation? Is your house the right temperature for each season? guest bathroom always spick and span? No pets drooling on the guests?

That sort of thing.

+1 Also, is there some dish that you're leaving off of the menu that she would really like included?

Since you haven't indicated what the "traditions" are that she's missing, it is hard to know whether your pattern is being deliberately unkind by excluding something easy or whether she is just a complainer. TBH when I see a post like yours OP that is missing this basic fact it makes me disbelieve the OP's version and to find some/much credence in the other person's perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, is it the food you serve or is there something else in the vein of tradition she's complaining about? For instance, are they a family that says grace before meals at holiday time? Do they serve a piece from a single egg at Easter? Do they follow a religion different from yours? Do they wear funny hats on the Fourth???

I can’t think of any tradition honestly.

Sorry I misspelled champagne!

To those who thinks my catered food is not good, if I cook it will be worse than any catered food you ever tried. Also I make a salad myself)

Last Christmas MIL made a huge deal because I don’t make homemade buns, so when I catered she requested not to order buns because she was going to make them. At the end she forgot to make them and we didn’t have buns at all. So this kind of thing happens constantly.

Ugh. That would drive me bonkers. However, maybe she just wants to feel included. I know that cooking together is a kind of bonding that has gone on in my family for generations before and after coming to the US. Maybe there is something simple you make with her? Maybe say something along the lines of "I'd like to start a tradition with you ...." It doesn't have to be cooking. Maybe its something she and the grandkids could do. Good luck.

Forgot to add an idea that may inspire you: when my great grandma got too old to help with meal prep, she and I would fold napkins when I was little.

I think it is up to OP's DH and his mother to continue traditions if they are so important. OP doesn't need to herself, and it seems like MIL won't appreciate OP's participation in any case.

Depends on whether OP wants to forge any bonds with her MIL. If OP reaches out and MIL firmly rejects, then so be it. DH can handle his mother.

People these days seem hell bent on drawing lines everywhere (your bank account, my bank account; your retirement funds, my retirement funds; your family, my family). The personal plural possessive adjective OURS almost seems anachronistic.

+1 PP You're all family, OP. She is part of the family you chose when you chose her son. It seems disingenuous to be so contrary and inhospitable to her. Find out what she wants, forgive her if she forgets and have a back-up. After all, she raised the man you married and now both of you love him. Find a little generosity of spirit for her.