Reply to anyone drop the rope with their spouse?

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I can relate to this. My DH is a lot like you describe in terms of being anxious about work (I swear he has male imposter syndrome) but also needing the external validation. And he is a high earner, and I try to tell him that we don't need his income (I work FT and make good money myself). Honestly, I could probably write 1,000 words about the ins and outs of your strategy and how it played out for me. In short, I dropped the rope emotionally but, like a PP, kind of did the opposite in terms of carving out time for myself. So, I stopped needing him to help, stopped caring if he joins us on the weekends, stopped trying to make him into the active father I think he should be. I can manage our 3 kids on my own just fine and we do all sorts of fun things on our own, including vacations. He's always welcome to come, but that's on him. It's also on him if he can't figure out how to get them to listen to him or why they aren't as affectionate with him. Would I like to have a different husband or father for my kids? Sure, but I can't control everything and as numerous PPs have pointed out, my kids DO love him very much and he finds his own ways to have some quality time with them.

But, I also don't give him a pass when I need him. I travel for work some, so he has to cover. I go out with friends. I do evening meetings/volunteering 1-2 times a month. For those times, I give him a clear statement of what I need and when, and that's generally that. His work schedule sometimes can't accommodate whatever it is, but usually he can do it. And, "dropping the rope" for me means the emotion, anger, sense of unfairness, etc., has mostly all gone, which really does help.

I will say, though, that the resentment lingers under the surface. I don't want a divorce, but I also have limited interest in him right now, either for sex (obviously a big issue) or for listening to his random work anecdotes or sitting around watching a movie with him. I've emotionally detached from him, so why would I care as much about doing those things? But, it's not a good thing and I know that. Just not sure I want to go back to the old way where I was angry much of the time. [/quote]

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