Having older parents and young kids - sandwich generation

[Anonymous]

Caring for an elderly parent or parents while trying to juggle the needs/schedules of children (of any age) is incredibly stressful. Add in full or even part time work and it’s worse. I feel like an awful human because I just want elderly in-laws to die. It’s killing my DH and our marriage and relationship with children. My in-laws quality of life is so low that it’s mind boggling that their care is turning our lives inside out and upside down. I realize that sounds incredibly cold but they enjoy nothing, can do nothing, complain incessantly, and require so much assistance on a day to day basis. I/my DH are constantly taking time off from work to help them but nothing ever seems to improve, it’s just a band aid until the next disaster (which could be in a few hours or next week). Kids are tweens and teens who are capable of staying home alone, but they do need parenting and we aren’t doing a lot of that right now because we are caring for DH’s parents. Every time we leave for “vacation” they have a episode that requires us to return and manage. Siblings are no help. We are stuck in an it what it is hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM who would like to be working, but I’m finding that looking after my elderly father has become a full-time job. He has many doctor’s appointments, can’t drive, and is so hard of hearing that he really can’t go to appointments alone. He has no other family who can help and I’m basically his personal assistant. He doesn’t have the money to hire out all of the work that I do.

In some states you can get paid to be a family caregiver. Have you looked into this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is 90+ and we are doing all of the care for her. She is relatively healthy, but she can’t drive anymore and can’t manage her finances so we have to oversee her purchases and pay her bills. We have teens and I wish that this was happening when we had toddlers or preschoolers. My teenagers have homework, sports, test prep, etc so they aren’t free to go to MIL’s each weekend with us to handle the things she needs each week. If they were toddlers, I would load them in the car to go visit and at least we would all be together. As it stands, my kids will be leaving for college and I feel every hour that I miss.

- Said by someone who has clearly forgotten what it’s like to care for toddlers.

I know your situation sucks, but it would have been much, much worse if this had happened when your children were toddlers. You actually got a (small) blessing that this happened when your children are mostly independent.

NP and LOL. Spoken by someone who has no idea what it is to have teens. You think they are independent and you can go on your merry way while they just do their thing? Remember this thread when you have teens . . . you'll be eating your words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is 90+ and we are doing all of the care for her. She is relatively healthy, but she can’t drive anymore and can’t manage her finances so we have to oversee her purchases and pay her bills. We have teens and I wish that this was happening when we had toddlers or preschoolers. My teenagers have homework, sports, test prep, etc so they aren’t free to go to MIL’s each weekend with us to handle the things she needs each week. If they were toddlers, I would load them in the car to go visit and at least we would all be together. As it stands, my kids will be leaving for college and I feel every hour that I miss.

- Said by someone who has clearly forgotten what it’s like to care for toddlers.

I know your situation sucks, but it would have been much, much worse if this had happened when your children were toddlers. You actually got a (small) blessing that this happened when your children are mostly independent.

NP and LOL. Spoken by someone who has no idea what it is to have teens. You think they are independent and you can go on your merry way while they just do their thing? Remember this thread when you have teens . . . you'll be eating your words.

+1 Had no idea how hard parenting could get until my sweet and easy going kids turned into teenagers who had attitudes and so many activities that needed coordinating etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said that SIL is doing the heavy lifting of taking care of FIL. You’re not being sandwiched.

The sandwich is when you're caring for your older relatives at the same time you're caring for your kids. Fun times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is something that people don’t think about when they wait to have children until their 40s. My SIL is now “mourning” because she waited until her 40s to have kids and her mother is not the “grandmother”
She hoped she would be.

So much worse on the son/daughter if they are an only child, which seems to be happening a lot more now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Caring for an elderly parent or parents while trying to juggle the needs/schedules of children (of any age) is incredibly stressful. Add in full or even part time work and it’s worse. I feel like an awful human because I just want elderly in-laws to die. It’s killing my DH and our marriage and relationship with children. My in-laws quality of life is so low that it’s mind boggling that their care is turning our lives inside out and upside down. I realize that sounds incredibly cold but they enjoy nothing, can do nothing, complain incessantly, and require so much assistance on a day to day basis. I/my DH are constantly taking time off from work to help them but nothing ever seems to improve, it’s just a band aid until the next disaster (which could be in a few hours or next week). Kids are tweens and teens who are capable of staying home alone, but they do need parenting and we aren’t doing a lot of that right now because we are caring for DH’s parents. Every time we leave for “vacation” they have a episode that requires us to return and manage. Siblings are no help. We are stuck in an it what it is hell.

I so understand you and you are not cruel. It IS hell. Absolute HELL. If your in-laws are broke, the best you can do is get them on Medicaid and hope they qualify for assisted living of some kind. Your kids come before them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Caring for an elderly parent or parents while trying to juggle the needs/schedules of children (of any age) is incredibly stressful. Add in full or even part time work and it’s worse. I feel like an awful human because I just want elderly in-laws to die. It’s killing my DH and our marriage and relationship with children. My in-laws quality of life is so low that it’s mind boggling that their care is turning our lives inside out and upside down. I realize that sounds incredibly cold but they enjoy nothing, can do nothing, complain incessantly, and require so much assistance on a day to day basis. I/my DH are constantly taking time off from work to help them but nothing ever seems to improve, it’s just a band aid until the next disaster (which could be in a few hours or next week). Kids are tweens and teens who are capable of staying home alone, but they do need parenting and we aren’t doing a lot of that right now because we are caring for DH’s parents. Every time we leave for “vacation” they have a episode that requires us to return and manage. Siblings are no help. We are stuck in an it what it is hell.

Np. And pp, we went through the same thing with my in-laws and my Dad. I cannot tell you how much I empathize with you. Very few people will understand.

All I can say is to the extent possible, hire help. That doesn't do anything for emergencies. We have left overseas vacations two times for emergencies.

It's a season of life. I'm Indian, and it's part of our culture to take care of our elders. But, at the end of the day, it depends on your relationship with your parent. If it's a good one, months after they've died, you feel like you haven't had any regrets - like you ushered them into the hereafter, as they ushered you into life. But if it was a complicated relationship, laden with guilt and expectations, you'll probably feel like you spent all your good years taking care of ungrateful people, and not prioritizing your bigger responsibility - your own kids. I regret prioritizing one of my in-laws, though I have complete peace over how we handled the caregiving in the final years of the other two parents. It'll become pretty clear to you which one it is. I urge you to follow your gut on this. There is no prize for suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said that SIL is doing the heavy lifting of taking care of FIL. You’re not being sandwiched.

+1 I think you need to give her more credit. I think you’ll know what it’s really like to be in sandwich when you’ve got late teens and are doing heavy lifting for your parents. Then it gets real. I did it from 3000 miles away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is 90+ and we are doing all of the care for her. She is relatively healthy, but she can’t drive anymore and can’t manage her finances so we have to oversee her purchases and pay her bills. We have teens and I wish that this was happening when we had toddlers or preschoolers. My teenagers have homework, sports, test prep, etc so they aren’t free to go to MIL’s each weekend with us to handle the things she needs each week. If they were toddlers, I would load them in the car to go visit and at least we would all be together. As it stands, my kids will be leaving for college and I feel every hour that I miss.

- Said by someone who has clearly forgotten what it’s like to care for toddlers.

I know your situation sucks, but it would have been much, much worse if this had happened when your children were toddlers. You actually got a (small) blessing that this happened when your children are mostly independent.

NP and LOL. Spoken by someone who has no idea what it is to have teens. You think they are independent and you can go on your merry way while they just do their thing? Remember this thread when you have teens . . . you'll be eating your words.

I am the Np above. I took care of my stroke ridden FIL (paralyzed on one side) when my kids were 0, 2 for 2 years. In our house with CNA help.

I then helped care for my own Dad recently for the last 2 years who died of Parkinson's with an 11+13 year old.

I was working both times. But dealing with teens/tweens while caring for a dying parent is infinitely harder - the sheer level of how emotionally present you have to be goes up. I have cried so much in the car recently. Although that could be perimenopause too lol 🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - this isn’t the pain Olympics. I realize people have it way worse than we do. But fact is we live 200 miles away from fil and sil lives nearby. We are still coordinating, helping with what we can and emotionally invested in fil’s health and life.

I just didn’t realize we would be doing this at the age of 35. My mom is just starting to deal with this in her 60s.

Why didn’t you realize this? Did you think your FIL was going to be 105 years old before you had to start dealing with this? I’m confused.

You’re absolutely right. OP is an idiot and so are the people insulting you. In fact, I think OP is a MRA troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIL is much older than my parents (in his 80s) and in declining health. DH and I are 35 and have young kids (2 and 4 years old). Thankfully DH has a sister who is older than us (in her 40s) who is doing the bulk of the heavy lifting regarding taking care of FIL but the emotional weight of having an aging parent has been really had for my DH.

I realize not everybody can choose the perfect age to have children and as a result have kids later in life than they had thought but its hard now being the child with older parents and also young kids to take care of.

My parents are on the younger side (early 60s) and just starting to go through this with their own parents. But they don't have young kids in the house and a very busy job. My mom is retired and has been helping with doctors appointments, around the house, etc with her parents since she is the oldest and her siblings all still work.

Anyway this is just a vent and a sad post about how hard it is being a sandwich generation.

You don't have much sympathy for your mom, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I don't understand your surprise at the situation, what i empathize with is the adjustment you have to make after years of kind of having the freedom to be self centered. For us, we knew it was coming, but its still one of those life moments that make you say "so, this is our life now."

You're right, its not the pain Olympics. But you do have to realize this is just life.

This. OP, you want to get on here and vent, fine. But this is not the place to come if you just want people to feel sorry for you. I have a friend who is having to care for her late 80s parents, her adult child with health issues and take care of her ES grandkids all while she and her DH have their own health issues.

I get it. It's hard. But you will be mentally healthier if you can accept the hand you're dealt rather than yearn for something you don't have.

[Anonymous]

This is why I had all my children in my mid to late 20s. They are all in college now and my parents are still on the young side of 70.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I had all my children in my mid to late 20s. They are all in college now and my parents are still on the young side of 70.

Good for you. Some might want to have kids in their 20s but it just doesn’t happen for them.

My mom had me when she was 36 (only child). I had my kids when I was 32 and 35. One of my kids is still at home, but I am taking care of my 87 yr old
mom. I had no control over when she had me. I was lucky she did not get dementia when she was younger.