Having older parents and young kids - sandwich generation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - this isn’t the pain Olympics. I realize people have it way worse than we do. But fact is we live 200 miles away from fil and sil lives nearby. We are still coordinating, helping with what we can and emotionally invested in fil’s health and life.

I just didn’t realize we would be doing this at the age of 35. My mom is just starting to deal with this in her 60s.

I hope your DH and you are showing and telling your appreciation to his sister.

Life is unexpected. Agreed that I would focus on your SIL bc if you are feeling the stress, I’d imagine she must be feeling it way, way more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some really mean-spirited people here. Maybe that's what it does to you to be spread too thin.

I understand you, OP. My mother didn't have to deal with any long-term care issues for my grandmother until I had already finished college, meaning my mom's "mothering" job was more or less done.

I have two special needs kids and started being the main person watching out for my father when I was about 40; DH's parents have been declining for the past two years.

You can't underestimate the emotional drain, toll, and siphon that elder care can be - it takes time and energy that you expected to use to focus on your children. In our case, my DH misses critical appointments with therapists treating our DC who has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. His mind is also preoccupied with his parents when he should be focused on the kids.

I understand how easy it is to become preoccupied with elder care. I have an elderly father who needs a lot of my time and attention, and a teenager with autism. It’s so hard to weigh and juggle whose needs are most important in a given moment. My own needs end up way down the list.

[Anonymous]

I'm very fortunate that I'm not in this situation but I worry so much about our own kids. My mom had me at 25; I was 33 when my second was born and H was 35. I feel terrible knowing we might have done this to them. Of course, this was nowhere on my mind when I was 25....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some really mean-spirited people here. Maybe that's what it does to you to be spread too thin.

I understand you, OP. My mother didn't have to deal with any long-term care issues for my grandmother until I had already finished college, meaning my mom's "mothering" job was more or less done.

I have two special needs kids and started being the main person watching out for my father when I was about 40; DH's parents have been declining for the past two years.

You can't underestimate the emotional drain, toll, and siphon that elder care can be - it takes time and energy that you expected to use to focus on your children. In our case, my DH misses critical appointments with therapists treating our DC who has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. His mind is also preoccupied with his parents when he should be focused on the kids.

I understand how easy it is to become preoccupied with elder care. I have an elderly father who needs a lot of my time and attention, and a teenager with autism. It’s so hard to weigh and juggle whose needs are most important in a given moment. My own needs end up way down the list.

x1000 My DH gets preoccupied and sentimental, which is sweet. That said, it sometimes burns me up to see how he reminisces about so many magical experiences from his childhood (trips across the country, etc) that he isn't creating for our kids due to his preference to spend his few vacation days with his parents instead of with the kids. He has two siblings who have fewer responsibilities (kids already grown up/retired and no kids/about to retire). He has to do his part for his parents, but he has siblings who are essentially retired and have grown kids and no kids and he ends up neglecting our kids in the process. There is no great solution and I but it makes me feel like a single mom of special needs kids.

[Anonymous]

This is something that people don’t think about when they wait to have children until their 40s. My SIL is now “mourning” because she waited until her 40s to have kids and her mother is not the “grandmother”
She hoped she would be.

[Anonymous]

There is no right solution about how far away to be from the parents either. As the one who lives closest I was getting eaten alive helping one with parent with the other and being the punching bag. I worked with a therapist and set boundaries. The other sibling who did little has pretty much muddied my name with extended family for saying "no" to things and setting other limits. It stresses the family you create to the max and can eat away at your health. I hear you about the SN part too. I'm in the club. I had to make it so that the family i created was the priority. Thew irony is I did the most and am the scapegoat. Thanks to boundaries at least I am at a healthy place accepting this unfair label rather than burned out, ill and full of rage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - this isn’t the pain Olympics. I realize people have it way worse than we do. But fact is we live 200 miles away from fil and sil lives nearby. We are still coordinating, helping with what we can and emotionally invested in fil’s health and life.

I just didn’t realize we would be doing this at the age of 35. My mom is just starting to deal with this in her 60s.

Why didn’t you realize this? Did you think your FIL was going to be 105 years old before you had to start dealing with this? I’m confused.

You’re a jerk PP.

[Anonymous]

I predict more and more services with pop up that go beyond the usual aides for hire. There are already some to help with things like driving to appointments, companionship, managing bills, etc when person is no longer able, but I predict it will become a more popular industry. Even when you are there sometimes, especially when dementia is involved, even a loving parent can turn into an angry tyrant as the disease progresses. Despite the lack of awareness somehow for strangers they are sometimes better. I think there will have to more psychotherapists specializing in caregiver support too. I really never imagined what a living hell it can turn into if you don't hire out a lot of things when the parent gets difficult. I think anyone who guilttrips primary or secondary caregivers for hiring help all the way to putting the person is a well run Memory Care should think twice. It could be you one day sandwiched and beaten down verbally or in very sad cases physically by a parent is fading. Help helps. Help is healthy. It is OK to put the family you created first and to realize you cannot keep giving and getting metaphorically kicked in the gut.

My heart goes out to all my fellow sandwich generation folks no matter what amount you do. It's heart-wrenching. Too often it's hard to even come by a a sincere "thank you" for all the sacrifices you make.

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of guilt that, with an infant and 3 year old, I can't fly to help my aunts/uncles who are declining quickly from, e.g., cancer in their 50s or 60s. I tell myself that I will be the one to step in for family when I'm at a better life stage. Right now, you can provide emotional support to your SIL from afar and perhaps your husband can take a week off to provide your SIL a real respite from caregiving.

[Anonymous]

Not clear on what the burden to you is... FIL is 200 miles away and SIL does everything...what is your deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - this isn’t the pain Olympics. I realize people have it way worse than we do. But fact is we live 200 miles away from fil and sil lives nearby. We are still coordinating, helping with what we can and emotionally invested in fil’s health and life.

I just didn’t realize we would be doing this at the age of 35. My mom is just starting to deal with this in her 60s.

I hope your DH and you are showing and telling your appreciation to his sister.

I recommend kind words of support to the sister who is doing the heavy lifting. Some supportive cards in the mail and send some flowers
of support to the sister who is doing the heavy lifting.

I'm in charge of Mom's care and a kind word from my sister would mean a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FIL is much older than my parents (in his 80s) and in declining health. DH and I are 35 and have young kids (2 and 4 years old). Thankfully DH has a sister who is older than us (in her 40s) who is doing the bulk of the heavy lifting regarding taking care of FIL but the emotional weight of having an aging parent has been really had for my DH.

I realize not everybody can choose the perfect age to have children and as a result have kids later in life than they had thought but its hard now being the child with older parents and also young kids to take care of.

My parents are on the younger side (early 60s) and just starting to go through this with their own parents. But they don't have young kids in the house and a very busy job. My mom is retired and has been helping with doctors appointments, around the house, etc with her parents since she is the oldest and her siblings all still work.

Anyway this is just a vent and a sad post about how hard it is being a sandwich generation.

My FIL was 40 when he had my husband. He was in his late 70s when he moved in with my husband (planned prior to meeting husband). He came in fairly independent, but as he aged I helped assist him at medical appointments and taking medicine. He shared a bathroom with the baby. Move out the shower chair to put the baby tub in, take out the baby tub and put in shower chair.

He was diagnosed with cancer when our LO was 18 months old. They had a great bond, we ate dinner almost every evening together. I wish LO was able to spend more time with him. FIL was bed bound while I was pregnant. It was tough. I didn't realize how tired we were until we slept for 2 days following his death. I wouldn't trade it for the world though. I am so glad that FIL was able to spend his last days surrounded by his loved ones in our home just as he wanted. I must say, I am fortunate where I have a job that offered the flexibility to assist him in appointments.

God bless you. Prior post really touched me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIL is much older than my parents (in his 80s) and in declining health. DH and I are 35 and have young kids (2 and 4 years old). Thankfully DH has a sister who is older than us (in her 40s) who is doing the bulk of the heavy lifting regarding taking care of FIL but the emotional weight of having an aging parent has been really had for my DH.

I realize not everybody can choose the perfect age to have children and as a result have kids later in life than they had thought but its hard now being the child with older parents and also young kids to take care of.

My parents are on the younger side (early 60s) and just starting to go through this with their own parents. But they don't have young kids in the house and a very busy job. My mom is retired and has been helping with doctors appointments, around the house, etc with her parents since she is the oldest and her siblings all still work.

Anyway this is just a vent and a sad post about how hard it is being a sandwich generation.

I had kids at around same age as you, my mom started having symptoms of Alzheimer’s in her mid-60s. It sucks. She did all the stuff you are supposed to do to prevent Alzheimer’s (exercise, daily crossword) - life is a big crapshoot. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I predict more and more services with pop up that go beyond the usual aides for hire. There are already some to help with things like driving to appointments, companionship, managing bills, etc when person is no longer able, but I predict it will become a more popular industry. Even when you are there sometimes, especially when dementia is involved, even a loving parent can turn into an angry tyrant as the disease progresses. Despite the lack of awareness somehow for strangers they are sometimes better. I think there will have to more psychotherapists specializing in caregiver support too. I really never imagined what a living hell it can turn into if you don't hire out a lot of things when the parent gets difficult. I think anyone who guilttrips primary or secondary caregivers for hiring help all the way to putting the person is a well run Memory Care should think twice. It could be you one day sandwiched and beaten down verbally or in very sad cases physically by a parent is fading. Help helps. Help is healthy. It is OK to put the family you created first and to realize you cannot keep giving and getting metaphorically kicked in the gut.

My heart goes out to all my fellow sandwich generation folks no matter what amount you do. It's heart-wrenching. Too often it's hard to even come by a a sincere "thank you" for all the sacrifices you make.

Yes, all very true. And experienced this below in spades - devoted each day to bird-dogging DF's finances and care only to be yelled at by him for taking his checkbook away.

"Even when you are there sometimes, especially when dementia is involved, even a loving parent can turn into an angry tyrant as the disease progresses. "

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM who would like to be working, but I’m finding that looking after my elderly father has become a full-time job. He has many doctor’s appointments, can’t drive, and is so hard of hearing that he really can’t go to appointments alone. He has no other family who can help and I’m basically his personal assistant. He doesn’t have the money to hire out all of the work that I do.