Having older parents and young kids - sandwich generation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said that SIL is doing the heavy lifting of taking care of FIL. You’re not being sandwiched.[/quote

Agree and you all should be helping her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is 90+ and we are doing all of the care for her. She is relatively healthy, but she can’t drive anymore and can’t manage her finances so we have to oversee her purchases and pay her bills. We have teens and I wish that this was happening when we had toddlers or preschoolers. My teenagers have homework, sports, test prep, etc so they aren’t free to go to MIL’s each weekend with us to handle the things she needs each week. If they were toddlers, I would load them in the car to go visit and at least we would all be together. As it stands, my kids will be leaving for college and I feel every hour that I miss.

- Said by someone who has clearly forgotten what it’s like to care for toddlers.

I know your situation sucks, but it would have been much, much worse if this had happened when your children were toddlers. You actually got a (small) blessing that this happened when your children are mostly independent.

NP and LOL. Spoken by someone who has no idea what it is to have teens. You think they are independent and you can go on your merry way while they just do their thing? Remember this thread when you have teens . . . you'll be eating your words.

I am the Np above. I took care of my stroke ridden FIL (paralyzed on one side) when my kids were 0, 2 for 2 years. In our house with CNA help.

I then helped care for my own Dad recently for the last 2 years who died of Parkinson's with an 11+13 year old.

I was working both times. But dealing with teens/tweens while caring for a dying parent is infinitely harder - the sheer level of how emotionally present you have to be goes up. I have cried so much in the car recently. Although that could be perimenopause too lol 🤣

Lady, I'm definitely sending you a hug. I went through dying parent + tween/teen. Exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Just want to send a giant hug to everyone in this situation. You are all doing your best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I had all my children in my mid to late 20s. They are all in college now and my parents are still on the young side of 70.

Good for you. Some might want to have kids in their 20s but it just doesn’t happen for them.

My mom had me when she was 36 (only child). I had my kids when I was 32 and 35. One of my kids is still at home, but I am taking care of my 87 yr old
mom. I had no control over when she had me. I was lucky she did not get dementia when she was younger.

Exactly.
My mom had all her kids in her mid-late 20s (I was the oldest, born when she was 26.) I had all my kids between the ages of 24-30. My mom developed dementia in her late 60s, when most of my kids were still in their teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get the "sandwich generation" term but yep. DH and I are late 30/early 40s. He was a late in life baby for his parents and was in his mid 30s when our oldest was born. Now we have young elementary kids and his parents are in their mid-80s and declining rapidly. Unfortunately, DH's older siblings who's kids are older and mostly on their own aren't particularly local so things are falling to us since we're only 2 hours away.

It is more of a life phase than a generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIL is much older than my parents (in his 80s) and in declining health. DH and I are 35 and have young kids (2 and 4 years old). Thankfully DH has a sister who is older than us (in her 40s) who is doing the bulk of the heavy lifting regarding taking care of FIL but the emotional weight of having an aging parent has been really had for my DH.

I realize not everybody can choose the perfect age to have children and as a result have kids later in life than they had thought but its hard now being the child with older parents and also young kids to take care of.

My parents are on the younger side (early 60s) and just starting to go through this with their own parents. But they don't have young kids in the house and a very busy job. My mom is retired and has been helping with doctors appointments, around the house, etc with her parents since she is the oldest and her siblings all still work.

Anyway this is just a vent and a sad post about how hard it is being a sandwich generation.

YUp, and in my situation I had medical issues while young (in my earlier 30s) so I feel like it's time for me and my kids and my parents get in the way

[Anonymous]

Both my parents and in-laws cared for their parents/in-laws after I/my DH had left the house for college and beyond so they never had the experience of juggling elder care and actively parenting teens or toddlers. What’s more, raising kids in the 1970/80/90s was very, very different than raising kids today. My in-laws have always been incredibly self focused so I would not expect them to understand what we are going through juggling our kids and their care, but I think the above plus decreased mental capacity explains why my once very thoughtful parents seem to have few qualms about demanding so much from me and my sister. Assisted Living is a giant joke—total money pit with wildly inadequate care—so a huge percentage of care falls to me/my sister/DH (who is an only). It’s brutal and I’m angry a lot. I keep thinking about how to avoid putting my kids through this scenario when I’m a senior.

[Anonymous]

It’s so hard. Caring for parents and children with no backup is exhausting. I can only work part time due to responsibilities. People don’t understand how hard it is.

[Anonymous]

There was a Friday after work when both DH and I rushed to each, "I have to tell you something!!!" Both of our parents had just been admitted to the hospital and each of us had been told "to come." "this could be the end."

"What do we do?" One was in the a southern state 8 hrs away. One was in the midwest 13 hrs away. We had tweens at home. We had to make a quick decision, no time for drama: who was more likely to die and which of us would be at their bedside.

[Anonymous]

pp again. You weather it. You get through it. DH flew to his and it turned out to be the best decision. I had seen my Dad 2 weeks prior and it turned out, though he had other loving family at his bedside, his actual death was when no one was in the room. Common actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my parents and in-laws cared for their parents/in-laws after I/my DH had left the house for college and beyond so they never had the experience of juggling elder care and actively parenting teens or toddlers. What’s more, raising kids in the 1970/80/90s was very, very different than raising kids today. My in-laws have always been incredibly self focused so I would not expect them to understand what we are going through juggling our kids and their care, but I think the above plus decreased mental capacity explains why my once very thoughtful parents seem to have few qualms about demanding so much from me and my sister. Assisted Living is a giant joke—total money pit with wildly inadequate care—so a huge percentage of care falls to me/my sister/DH (who is an only). It’s brutal and I’m angry a lot. I keep thinking about how to avoid putting my kids through this scenario when I’m a senior.

Every elderly person I’ve dealt with, the selfishness is unbelievable. Some might be decreased mental capacity, but a lot of it is fear and that fear prevents them from caring what happens to you. Think drowning person using their rescuer as a way of not drowning by pushing them under

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp again. You weather it. You get through it. DH flew to his and it turned out to be the best decision. I had seen my Dad 2 weeks prior and it turned out, though he had other loving family at his bedside, [b]his actual death was when no one was in the room. Common actually.

This is why you were able to weather it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - this isn’t the pain Olympics. I realize people have it way worse than we do. But fact is we live 200 miles away from fil and sil lives nearby. We are still coordinating, helping with what we can and emotionally invested in fil’s health and life.

I just didn’t realize we would be doing this at the age of 35. My mom is just starting to deal with this in her 60s.

Why didn’t you realize this? Did you think your FIL was going to be 105 years old before you had to start dealing with this? I’m confused.

God, I swear there are some mentally ill people here. Or just plain evil. Either way? Suck it.

The amount of people who have virtually unlimited funds and arrogance in this area is truly astounding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Caring for an elderly parent or parents while trying to juggle the needs/schedules of children (of any age) is incredibly stressful. Add in full or even part time work and it’s worse. I feel like an awful human because I just want elderly in-laws to die. It’s killing my DH and our marriage and relationship with children. My in-laws quality of life is so low that it’s mind boggling that their care is turning our lives inside out and upside down. I realize that sounds incredibly cold but they enjoy nothing, can do nothing, complain incessantly, and require so much assistance on a day to day basis. I/my DH are constantly taking time off from work to help them but nothing ever seems to improve, it’s just a band aid until the next disaster (which could be in a few hours or next week). Kids are tweens and teens who are capable of staying home alone, but they do need parenting and we aren’t doing a lot of that right now because we are caring for DH’s parents. Every time we leave for “vacation” they have an episode that requires us to return and manage. Siblings are no help. We are stuck in an it what it is hell.

You should not feel guilty for anything you said. They are literally ruining your current life

[Anonymous]

This is life so don't be surprised. A parent could get sick at any time.

I had my child in my 40's so we're sandwiched between a teen with anxiety and two grandparents in their mid 80's. Thankfully they are in good health but my mom is showing signs of cognitive decline and is not in great shape financially. My sibling is not local so it will be on me and my husband to deal with the day-to-day care when we get to the stage where she can't care for herself. I'm trying to savor the time with her and help her cognitively stay status quo as long as she can.