Having older parents and young kids - sandwich generation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said that SIL is doing the heavy lifting of taking care of FIL. You’re not being sandwiched.

Go away. Life is not the misery olympics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is 90+ and we are doing all of the care for her. She is relatively healthy, but she can’t drive anymore and can’t manage her finances so we have to oversee her purchases and pay her bills. We have teens and I wish that this was happening when we had toddlers or preschoolers. My teenagers have homework, sports, test prep, etc so they aren’t free to go to MIL’s each weekend with us to handle the things she needs each week. If they were toddlers, I would load them in the car to go visit and at least we would all be together. As it stands, my kids will be leaving for college and I feel every hour that I miss.

- Said by someone who has clearly forgotten what it’s like to care for toddlers.

I know your situation sucks, but it would have been much, much worse if this had happened when your children were toddlers. You actually got a (small) blessing that this happened when your children are mostly independent.

[Anonymous]

My dad declined quickly at 73 when my daughter was a toddler. It was very hard to take the time I needed to be with him and care for him. Tough age.
Also, I would give a million dollars to have him until he was 83.

That said, I don't feel sandwiched. This is just kind of life. We don't have any guarantees of a long life nor can we plan on having our parents around.

On the topic of "expecting." My sister made my parents the guardians for her children when they were in their 70s. That truly made NO sense. And was a sign of her illogical thinking. Usually, your parents die before you. Don't make them your kids' guardians. That just means you'll need to change your will quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - this isn’t the pain Olympics. I realize people have it way worse than we do. But fact is we live 200 miles away from fil and sil lives nearby. We are still coordinating, helping with what we can and emotionally invested in fil’s health and life.

I just didn’t realize we would be doing this at the age of 35. My mom is just starting to deal with this in her 60s.

Why didn’t you realize this? Did you think your FIL was going to be 105 years old before you had to start dealing with this? I’m confused.

God, I swear there are some mentally ill people here. Or just plain evil. Either way? Suck it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - this isn’t the pain Olympics. I realize people have it way worse than we do. But fact is we live 200 miles away from fil and sil lives nearby. We are still coordinating, helping with what we can and emotionally invested in fil’s health and life.

I just didn’t realize we would be doing this at the age of 35. My mom is just starting to deal with this in her 60s.

You're correct. 35 IS young to be doing this. I am 57 and just now having to deal with this kind of help for my folks. It's not easy and I can't imagine doing it when my kids were that little. If I can give you some advice is that you need to dedicate your time to your little ones and let your husband deal with is father. That doesn't mean you don't support him; it means that your needs and your kids needs are first.

[Anonymous]

I waited till later in life to have kids. Both parents long dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - this isn’t the pain Olympics. I realize people have it way worse than we do. But fact is we live 200 miles away from fil and sil lives nearby. We are still coordinating, helping with what we can and emotionally invested in fil’s health and life.

I just didn’t realize we would be doing this at the age of 35. My mom is just starting to deal with this in her 60s.

Why didn’t you realize this? Did you think your FIL was going to be 105 years old before you had to start dealing with this? I’m confused.

God, I swear there are some mentally ill people here. Or just plain evil. Either way? Suck it.

Don’t forget about the stupid people who like to ask dumb questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I waited till later in life to have kids. Both parents long dead.

Are you sad they never got to meet your kids?

I had my kids late, but my parents had us young so my dad was around for 9 and 12 years of my boys’ lives. He was extremely close to them and I mourn the loss of that relationship and so does my husband. He saw how my kids looked up to him, the common interests they shared and how good it was for them to get perspective and advice outside of us. Plus, he was absolutely hilarious.

My mom is here and at 11 and 13, they still love going to her house and the traditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - this isn’t the pain Olympics. I realize people have it way worse than we do. But fact is we live 200 miles away from fil and sil lives nearby. We are still coordinating, helping with what we can and emotionally invested in fil’s health and life.

I just didn’t realize we would be doing this at the age of 35. My mom is just starting to deal with this in her 60s.

I'm sorry. I first went through this with my dad who was in a dementia unit. It sucks. But I was not the one doing the heavy lifting back then, that was my mom.

[Anonymous]

^He was in the dementia unit by the time I was in my late 20's. He had been sick for years before that, though.

[Anonymous]

Just happened upon this thread. My dad has dementia and is in his eighties, our youngest is a toddler. It is hard but there is something that I actually feel really fortunate about in having a baby and an elderly parent at the same time. Having a baby reminds you
-how deeply you can love someone who cannot speak
-how forgiving and patient you can be helping someone to walk
-how total dependence on you can feel like a blessing and the most wonderful thing in the world
-how the other person just being there, alive and present, is a gift that will soon go away, so treasure it while you can

It has made me view my father's decline in a new way. It is frightening now that he's getting to the later stages and having trouble talking and walking (he has had multiple strokes), but he still knows us and loves us and I would still take any day with him here than a day without.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIL is much older than my parents (in his 80s) and in declining health. DH and I are 35 and have young kids (2 and 4 years old). Thankfully DH has a sister who is older than us (in her 40s) who is doing the bulk of the heavy lifting regarding taking care of FIL but the emotional weight of having an aging parent has been really had for my DH.

I realize not everybody can choose the perfect age to have children and as a result have kids later in life than they had thought but its hard now being the child with older parents and also young kids to take care of.

My parents are on the younger side (early 60s) and just starting to go through this with their own parents. But they don't have young kids in the house and a very busy job. My mom is retired and has been helping with doctors appointments, around the house, etc with her parents since she is the oldest and her siblings all still work.

Anyway this is just a vent and a sad post about how hard it is being a sandwich generation.

My FIL was 40 when he had my husband. He was in his late 70s when he moved in with my husband (planned prior to meeting husband). He came in fairly independent, but as he aged I helped assist him at medical appointments and taking medicine. He shared a bathroom with the baby. Move out the shower chair to put the baby tub in, take out the baby tub and put in shower chair.

He was diagnosed with cancer when our LO was 18 months old. They had a great bond, we ate dinner almost every evening together. I wish LO was able to spend more time with him. FIL was bed bound while I was pregnant. It was tough. I didn't realize how tired we were until we slept for 2 days following his death. I wouldn't trade it for the world though. I am so glad that FIL was able to spend his last days surrounded by his loved ones in our home just as he wanted. I must say, I am fortunate where I have a job that offered the flexibility to assist him in appointments.

[Anonymous]

I think caring for a dying parent you realize they are losing milestones. Puts parenting LOs into perspective. Most will say that elderly parental care is like caring for kids. Not true. The little ones are gaining milestones and it's actually a positive thing. the other is dying. It's completely different--but the dependency is there regardless

[Anonymous]

There are some really mean-spirited people here. Maybe that's what it does to you to be spread too thin.

I understand you, OP. My mother didn't have to deal with any long-term care issues for my grandmother until I had already finished college, meaning my mom's "mothering" job was more or less done.

I have two special needs kids and started being the main person watching out for my father when I was about 40; DH's parents have been declining for the past two years.

You can't underestimate the emotional drain, toll, and siphon that elder care can be - it takes time and energy that you expected to use to focus on your children. In our case, my DH misses critical appointments with therapists treating our DC who has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. His mind is also preoccupied with his parents when he should be focused on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - this isn’t the pain Olympics. I realize people have it way worse than we do. But fact is we live 200 miles away from fil and sil lives nearby. We are still coordinating, helping with what we can and emotionally invested in fil’s health and life.

I just didn’t realize we would be doing this at the age of 35. My mom is just starting to deal with this in her 60s.

I hope your DH and you are showing and telling your appreciation to his sister.