Having older parents and young kids - sandwich generation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be a ball buster but my MIL got ALS at age 60 and died at 63. Her own mother is still alive at 86. So life can throw you a curveball, we should all be lucky to die of old age but it often doesn’t work that way. Hence just because your parents are 60 doesn’t mean they will not start getting sick until their 80s. Wish that was true.

Yea, when I was 15 I was acting as a nurse for my 50 year old mother when she went through chemo for the cancer that killed her a couple of years later. Crap can happen at any age.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is 90+ and we are doing all of the care for her. She is relatively healthy, but she can’t drive anymore and can’t manage her finances so we have to oversee her purchases and pay her bills. We have teens and I wish that this was happening when we had toddlers or preschoolers. My teenagers have homework, sports, test prep, etc so they aren’t free to go to MIL’s each weekend with us to handle the things she needs each week. If they were toddlers, I would load them in the car to go visit and at least we would all be together. As it stands, my kids will be leaving for college and I feel every hour that I miss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be a ball buster but my MIL got ALS at age 60 and died at 63. Her own mother is still alive at 86. So life can throw you a curveball, we should all be lucky to die of old age but it often doesn’t work that way. Hence just because your parents are 60 doesn’t mean they will not start getting sick until their 80s. Wish that was true.

This. We lost my mom last year at age 61 to cancer. I am 38 and my sister is 31. Our collective children are ages 1-10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is 90+ and we are doing all of the care for her. She is relatively healthy, but she can’t drive anymore and can’t manage her finances so we have to oversee her purchases and pay her bills. We have teens and I wish that this was happening when we had toddlers or preschoolers. My teenagers have homework, sports, test prep, etc so they aren’t free to go to MIL’s each weekend with us to handle the things she needs each week. If they were toddlers, I would load them in the car to go visit and at least we would all be together. As it stands, my kids will be leaving for college and I feel every hour that I miss.

Your teens are capable of staying back. Toddlers aren’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given how late people have kids nowadays, plus the fact that men usually have always had kids later and male life expectancy in the US is 76 years, it really isn't surprising this is an issue (often with dads first). Lots of cancer and heart disease.

My dad had 5 grandkids 9-25 when he passed away from cancer at 76 and up until the end he was active, healthy, very involved—full of energy. It came on unexpectedly. I fully expected him to be around to see my kids graduate from HS. He looked like and moved like he was in his late 50s-early 60s prior to becoming ill.

My sister’s FIL is 86 and starting to have dementia and limited mobility.

My point is- you don’t know.

I was the youngest child so my parents were in their early-mid 60s when my kids were born, but in their early 50s when my sister had hers.

I have in-laws and friends with parents that act, looked and moved like they were a good 20-years older than my own parents.

It’s relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is 90+ and we are doing all of the care for her. She is relatively healthy, but she can’t drive anymore and can’t manage her finances so we have to oversee her purchases and pay her bills. We have teens and I wish that this was happening when we had toddlers or preschoolers. My teenagers have homework, sports, test prep, etc so they aren’t free to go to MIL’s each weekend with us to handle the things she needs each week. If they were toddlers, I would load them in the car to go visit and at least we would all be together. As it stands, my kids will be leaving for college and I feel every hour that I miss.

Your teens are capable of staying back. Toddlers aren’t.

Agree with PP. It's hard no matter the stage, but having infants and toddlers while caring for an elderly parent is a special squeeze. They require so much of your attention that you have very little mental energy left for anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is 90+ and we are doing all of the care for her. She is relatively healthy, but she can’t drive anymore and can’t manage her finances so we have to oversee her purchases and pay her bills. We have teens and I wish that this was happening when we had toddlers or preschoolers. My teenagers have homework, sports, test prep, etc so they aren’t free to go to MIL’s each weekend with us to handle the things she needs each week. If they were toddlers, I would load them in the car to go visit and at least we would all be together. As it stands, my kids will be leaving for college and I feel every hour that I miss.

Your teens are capable of staying back. Toddlers aren’t.

Agree with PP. It's hard no matter the stage, but having infants and toddlers while caring for an elderly parent is a special squeeze. They require so much of your attention that you have very little mental energy left for anything else.

We are in the same situation with my FIL and have two toddlers. I would love to help more but flying in with two little kids is the opposite of helpful. They can't go to the hospital most of the time and require a lot of attention.

So for now my husband goes on his own and I feel guilty..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given how late people have kids nowadays, plus the fact that men usually have always had kids later and male life expectancy in the US is 76 years, it really isn't surprising this is an issue (often with dads first). Lots of cancer and heart disease.

I’m quite shocked when I read that women 40+ are doing IVF or are already pregnant. I understand that you don’t feel old between 40-45, but having kids at that age will be hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is 90+ and we are doing all of the care for her. She is relatively healthy, but she can’t drive anymore and can’t manage her finances so we have to oversee her purchases and pay her bills. We have teens and I wish that this was happening when we had toddlers or preschoolers. My teenagers have homework, sports, test prep, etc so they aren’t free to go to MIL’s each weekend with us to handle the things she needs each week. If they were toddlers, I would load them in the car to go visit and at least we would all be together. As it stands, my kids will be leaving for college and I feel every hour that I miss.

Your teens are capable of staying back. Toddlers aren’t.

Agree with PP. It's hard no matter the stage, but having infants and toddlers while caring for an elderly parent is a special squeeze. They require so much of your attention that you have very little mental energy left for anything else.

Yes -- no question, toddlers are harder than teenagers in this situation! Do you remember what toddlers are like? Of course you can't leave them on their own at all, they require eyes like a hawk on them, and they are incapable of understanding that "Mommy needs a few minutes to help Grandma with this right now", instead they are having meltdowns and pulling at you and screaming. Add to this an elderly person, who are in some ways like toddlers themselves in their inflexibility on certain things and who can be anxious about things done just so for them, and it's crazy. That's why it's called a sandwich, you're being squeezed from both sides.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I was a version of here a few years ago. I had a young tween, a dying parent in another state, and throw in no partner at the time for good measure. It blew chunks.

I’m so grateful for the support network I DID have at the time.

My kid is now almost grown, and my mom has passed. I miss her, of course, but it’s over, and that is a relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP! When my husband and I were in our mid thirties, we were dealing with my father's decline due to lewy body dementia, and I was having some significant medical issues myself . So we weren't being sandwiched---we were just dealing with issues that most don't have to deal with until they are older (parental health, personal health). Children couldn't happen at the time for us (medical issues made it impossible). My father died, and now we have my mom. We have a lovely child now...and I hate to say this, but I am so burnt out from parental caregiving that I get really angry at having to take care of my mom. I am so burnt out after my father's situation while trying to manage my own health that I just want to enjoy being a mom.

My Mother in Law's doctor suspects' Lewy Body Dementia and her faculties are declining fast. PP - Did you find that things got bad fast with Lewy Body?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is 90+ and we are doing all of the care for her. She is relatively healthy, but she can’t drive anymore and can’t manage her finances so we have to oversee her purchases and pay her bills. We have teens and I wish that this was happening when we had toddlers or preschoolers. My teenagers have homework, sports, test prep, etc so they aren’t free to go to MIL’s each weekend with us to handle the things she needs each week. If they were toddlers, I would load them in the car to go visit and at least we would all be together. As it stands, my kids will be leaving for college and I feel every hour that I miss.

Your teens are capable of staying back. Toddlers aren’t.

Yeah. I get that. I am saying that I am missing the last bits of time that I have with my teens at home because my MIL can't take care of herself and it makes me sad. In our particular situation, we could take a toddler or preschooler with us and it would be perfectly fine. I understand that not everyone caring for an elderly relative can combine toddlers and preschoolers well and that is a more taxing level of care. I just resent the time taken away from my teens and knowing that they will be out of the house soon.

[Anonymous]

I’m 34 and just lost my father, who was divorced from my mother. I have two kids, oldest is 4.

I won’t complain about this because there’s no medaling in the suffering Olympics, but for people who might be looking down the road at something similar: ask your parents if they have a will and living trust and if they don’t, strongly encourage them to write one. Making end of life and burial/etc decisions is incredibly hard and if you had a clear minded discussion about them ahead of time, it is SO nice to be able to consult the written documents. Similarly, for finances — it is also nice to have a document detailing what to do with money and possessions. So it might seem awkward to talk about, but I strongly recommend getting this stuff lined up even if you have ‘younger’ aging parents (my dad was 68).

[Anonymous]

Be grateful OP. It may seem hard on you, but it's even more so for your husband. Have some empathy.

I went through the same thing with my FIL 2 years ago... mid 80s, terminal diagnosis. Except we lived nearby and he was on a limited income with nothing but Medicare, which covered next to nothing. The burden of care fell to us, including financially. We had 1 toddler at home, were trying for #2, and I was spending my lunch breaks with my FIL, prepping his lunch, getting him cleaned up (as we would wet himself and not realize it). When he passed, I was sad, but relieved. My parents were in their early 60s.

Fast forward, and now it's my father, only with Alzheimer's. And baby #2 came along a year ago. But what can you do? It's life and you can't control it. As other posters have said- crap can happen at any age. Be thankful for your parents good health now, and enjoy your time now with them, as it can change at any minute. I'm sure your husband would trade anything to be in your shoes with his parents for a hot minute...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP! When my husband and I were in our mid thirties, we were dealing with my father's decline due to lewy body dementia, and I was having some significant medical issues myself . So we weren't being sandwiched---we were just dealing with issues that most don't have to deal with until they are older (parental health, personal health). Children couldn't happen at the time for us (medical issues made it impossible). My father died, and now we have my mom. We have a lovely child now...and I hate to say this, but I am so burnt out from parental caregiving that I get really angry at having to take care of my mom. I am so burnt out after my father's situation while trying to manage my own health that I just want to enjoy being a mom.

My Mother in Law's doctor suspects' Lewy Body Dementia and her faculties are declining fast. PP - Did you find that things got bad fast with Lewy Body?

I am so sorry I never responded...I am the poster of this message about LBD. I am sorry about your MIL. Yes things did decline pretty quickly. Be careful that Haldol is not prescribed--that's fine for alzheimer's but not LBD--and many medical professionals are not aware of this critical piece.