Having older parents and young kids - sandwich generation
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Anonymous
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FIL is much older than my parents (in his 80s) and in declining health. DH and I are 35 and have young kids (2 and 4 years old). Thankfully DH has a sister who is older than us (in her 40s) who is doing the bulk of the heavy lifting regarding taking care of FIL but the emotional weight of having an aging parent has been really had for my DH.
I realize not everybody can choose the perfect age to have children and as a result have kids later in life than they had thought but its hard now being the child with older parents and also young kids to take care of. My parents are on the younger side (early 60s) and just starting to go through this with their own parents. But they don't have young kids in the house and a very busy job. My mom is retired and has been helping with doctors appointments, around the house, etc with her parents since she is the oldest and her siblings all still work. Anyway this is just a vent and a sad post about how hard it is being a sandwich generation. |
Anonymous
| You said that SIL is doing the heavy lifting of taking care of FIL. You’re not being sandwiched. |
Anonymous
| We are where you are -- my ILs are in their late 80s and we have preschoolers. DH is the youngest and he didn't have kids particularly early. I suspect this will become more common as it is now more common to have kids in your late 30s/early 40s. It's hard. |
Anonymous
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My dad has very advanced cancer and is extremely sick/fragile. He's in a wheelchair. My FIL recently died of cancer.
I have infants. |
Anonymous
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Op here - this isn’t the pain Olympics. I realize people have it way worse than we do. But fact is we live 200 miles away from fil and sil lives nearby. We are still coordinating, helping with what we can and emotionally invested in fil’s health and life.
I just didn’t realize we would be doing this at the age of 35. My mom is just starting to deal with this in her 60s. |
Anonymous
Why didn’t you realize this? Did you think your FIL was going to be 105 years old before you had to start dealing with this? I’m confused. |
Anonymous
OP here - I don't know I wasn't really thinking of it! We were busy getting married, starting our careers and having babies. I wasn't thinking oh you know what my FIL is going to get sick when I have two toddlers and we would be having to deal with it. |
Anonymous
| Given how late people have kids nowadays, plus the fact that men usually have always had kids later and male life expectancy in the US is 76 years, it really isn't surprising this is an issue (often with dads first). Lots of cancer and heart disease. |
Anonymous
Well your FIL is a similar age to your grandparents. That's what matters more in this than YOUR age. They are all in their 80s correct? |
Anonymous
Yes fil is similar age as my grandparents. |
Anonymous
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While I don't understand your surprise at the situation, what i empathize with is the adjustment you have to make after years of kind of having the freedom to be self centered. For us, we knew it was coming, but its still one of those life moments that make you say "so, this is our life now."
You're right, its not the pain Olympics. But you do have to realize this is just life. |
Anonymous
| I get it, OP! When my husband and I were in our mid thirties, we were dealing with my father's decline due to lewy body dementia, and I was having some significant medical issues myself . So we weren't being sandwiched---we were just dealing with issues that most don't have to deal with until they are older (parental health, personal health). Children couldn't happen at the time for us (medical issues made it impossible). My father died, and now we have my mom. We have a lovely child now...and I hate to say this, but I am so burnt out from parental caregiving that I get really angry at having to take care of my mom. I am so burnt out after my father's situation while trying to manage my own health that I just want to enjoy being a mom. |
Anonymous
| I don't really get the "sandwich generation" term but yep. DH and I are late 30/early 40s. He was a late in life baby for his parents and was in his mid 30s when our oldest was born. Now we have young elementary kids and his parents are in their mid-80s and declining rapidly. Unfortunately, DH's older siblings who's kids are older and mostly on their own aren't particularly local so things are falling to us since we're only 2 hours away. |
Anonymous
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It's the luck of the draw. For me it happened when I was in my early 40s. Had a newborn when my dad entered hospice care. Then 3 years later when I had my 2nd baby, my mom was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. I was the primary caregiver for my mom. I thought I'd lose my mind, but somehow one day at a time we got through that period.
My younger self would not believe I had the strength in me to get through what we got through, but you always find it somewhere in you. You have to. |
Anonymous
| Not to be a ball buster but my MIL got ALS at age 60 and died at 63. Her own mother is still alive at 86. So life can throw you a curveball, we should all be lucky to die of old age but it often doesn’t work that way. Hence just because your parents are 60 doesn’t mean they will not start getting sick until their 80s. Wish that was true. |