Divorced BF spends weekends doing “projects” at Ex wife’s house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few years after my divorce my ex wife called me and told me a shower nob in the bathroom was leaking and wanted to know If I would fix it like I did when we were married.

I was out of state getting trained for a new job at the time and so I could not help her. I told her that we were not married any longer and the house is not mine so she should either fix it herself or hire someone. She got very upset with me. She told the kids I don't care about them any more because I wouldn't help.


Ex wives are notoriously mean and cruel and often use children to hurt their ex husband.

He may be doing things to keep her from going off the deep end.

Thanks for this comment. I believe he feels guilty for the demise of his marriage and goes over the top (in my modest opinion) buying his ex wife and daughter fancy vacations, a new pool for the house, a new car (“they need it”) etc etc. He does whatever they ask, but complains about it to me later, as if they forced him. I get it, but it bothers me as I have a much less cozy relationship with my former spouse.

Your BF needs therapy. And doesn’t recognize it, and won’t. Unfortunately, I married this guy. His ex wanted the divorce but he is the one who carries the guilt for the impact it had on his DD, and he spent the next many years in fix-it mode, being at the beck and call of both of them. Frequently bailing his ex out for her extreme financial irresponsibility even though they were at exactly the same federal salary level. Paying much more in child support than mandated. Paying for vacations for the two of them but never going on vacation himself.

I spun most of it in a positive way. What a devoted father he is. That he and ex were not at each other’s Throats. That he was not bitter toward an ex who hurt him so much.

Now I see the bigger truth. That he can’t process negative feelings and fixes them through being a martyr. That he can’t and won’t prioritize himself in a pathological way, but is embittered about it. He’s now in a similar dynamic with me. He does SO much around the house for us that I never ask for but is resentful of it. His grown daughter who has has had everything given to her and has been bailed out of every slight inconvenience or mistake is now a heroin addict in court-ordered rehab. He refuses to go to therapy to acknowledge his role in enabling her and fueling her addiction. He can’t talk about anything that hurts him or makes him mad. He buried himself in projects to make bad feelings go away temporarily.

He IS a devoted dad and in many ways a decent person. But he is utterly emotional unavailable, to me, to our child, to his daughter, and to himself. Beware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex helps with house repairs. I was the first wife and we're still friends. Sorry you're insecure.

I don’t think I’m insecure, actually, I just want to spend time with him. It seems like she should handle stuff at her house- hire contractors to get it done, and not pressure him. She is wealthy, cost is not an issue. He still seems very attached. As someone said “it’s what I signed up for”... but, really?

Well my ex will always hold a special place in my heart. We were together 26 years and have kids. I'm sorry you feel put out but I was here FIRST! If you don't like it he is not the man for you. Better to find someone who stills cares about his ex and kids. They are keepers.

You may have been there first. But he dumped you and not the new woman. You lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex helps with house repairs. I was the first wife and we're still friends. Sorry you're insecure.

I don’t think I’m insecure, actually, I just want to spend time with him. It seems like she should handle stuff at her house- hire contractors to get it done, and not pressure him. She is wealthy, cost is not an issue. He still seems very attached. As someone said “it’s what I signed up for”... but, really?

Well my ex will always hold a special place in my heart. We were together 26 years and have kids. I'm sorry you feel put out but I was here FIRST! If you don't like it he is not the man for you. Better to find someone who stills cares about his ex and kids. They are keepers.

You may have been there first. But he dumped you and not the new woman. You lose.

Oh no, I dumped him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this happening pretty much every Saturday? Are you sitting alone most weekends while he is at his ex’s? I wouldn’t be ok with that.

It every weekend but I’d say maybe every other plus a few trips during the week. He’s over there a lot. He was there most of day today and is now “too tired” to make our dinner plans. Whoever said I am sad about him not choosing to spend time with me is right I guess- that’s my primary issue. I don’t think it’s bad for him to keep in touch with her. But secondarily, I do think it’s kind of weird that he spends so much time at his former home with his former wife. Idk... like why? I feel sort of foolish, sitting here waiting for him.

His ex needs to provide him with the services that you are providing. You are not his GF, his ex is his gf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe he feels guilty for the demise of his marriage and goes over the top (in my modest opinion) buying his ex wife and daughter fancy vacations, a new pool for the house, a new car (“they need it”) etc etc. He does whatever they ask, but complains about it to me later, as if they forced him. I get it, but it bothers me as I have a much less cozy relationship with my former spouse.

So it sounds like this really about him setting boundaries in his relationships and finding a way to deal with his guilt. For you it sounds like it’s about not comparing it to your relationship with your former spouse. Is this something you want to try to work out? If so, you can’t make him stop spending money on his daughter for fancy vacations and a car etc but you can ask questions to help him reflect when he brings it up. Like why does he feel guilty, has he ever directly addressed it with his daughter, does money equal love or are there other ways to be supportive etc. My dad felt guilty for various thing with the divorce and using money didn’t curb my youngest sister's anger and it didn’t help her transition to being an adult. For me, I was too old to ask for money etc and everything was swept under the rung but the anger and the sense of abandonment was always there until we finally had a conversation and he sincerely apologized and said he was wrong. That plus being there consistently and my memories of him prior to the divorce helped us move forward.

With spending more time, you just have to see if there is some compromise he can make. You understand he wants to make sure the house his daughter is in has the needed repairs etc and to see the changes thru, but how can he do those things and still be fair in spending time with you? If he has no interest in trying to find a middle ground than you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

I'm disgusted by this whole thread because people here want the man to be BOTH totally committed to their kids AND move on a be totally dedicated to the new spouse.

The whole scenario of no-fault divorce initiated by wives the majority of the time puts fathers in an untenable situation where the ex-wives, kids and society tells them they need to sacrifice themselves for the kids else they are bad fathers and their wives were right for divorcing them while simultaneously telling them they need to set boundaries and move on.

Men are treated as expendable EXCEPT when you need them for their skills with regard to anything from money to house repairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm disgusted by this whole thread because people here want the man to be BOTH totally committed to their kids AND move on a be totally dedicated to the new spouse.

The whole scenario of no-fault divorce initiated by wives the majority of the time puts fathers in an untenable situation where the ex-wives, kids and society tells them they need to sacrifice themselves for the kids else they are bad fathers and their wives were right for divorcing them while simultaneously telling them they need to set boundaries and move on.

Men are treated as expendable EXCEPT when you need them for their skills with regard to anything from money to house repairs.

I get neither money nor house repairs from my ex husband. I’m fully capable of taking care of myself. My ex is an okay dad, no worse or better since the divorce. But he is not a player in my current life, outside of being the father of my children. I don’t know why so many women continue to rely on their ex-husbands for assistance. Either learn to fix things yourself or hire someone.

[Anonymous]

Is this something you can live with for the next 20 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my ex, who now lives in an apartment, that I was going to put up a nice patio in the back because it would be much easier to maintain and because I hate to garden. He loves to garden, so he comes over and putters in the backyard and grows his tomatoes. We don't hate each other, and it doesn't bother me at all. And no, we're not sleeping together.

Right. But how does your ex’s gf feel. Your story is not relevant.

[Anonymous]

I find it really inappropriate that he forgoes quality time w/you to work on his ex-wives house.
Even if the house holds memories for him.

No - you did not sign up for any of this.
If the house now belongs to the ex, let HER take care of any repair work, etc.

I would let him know that him spending so much time at his ex-wife’s abode is not boding well for your relationship.

How can he expect you to be accepting of this??
Not many people would.
The majority would walk.

[Anonymous]

So I’m not allowed to be friends with my ex after the divorce? We had a long marriage and remain devoted to each other and our kids. If he fixes a few things at my house it is his choice. Some second wives on her sound very bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I’m not allowed to be friends with my ex after the divorce? We had a long marriage and remain devoted to each other and our kids. If he fixes a few things at my house it is his choice. Some second wives on her sound very bitter.

Being friends does not require spending every other weekend fixing up your house. No one said anything about not being friends. My husband and I are still married and have no former spouses. Your response is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I’m not allowed to be friends with my ex after the divorce? We had a long marriage and remain devoted to each other and our kids. If he fixes a few things at my house it is his choice. Some second wives on her sound very bitter.

Being friends does not require spending every other weekend fixing up your house. No one said anything about not being friends. My husband and I are still married and have no former spouses. Your response is ridiculous.

He does not come over to my house every weekend. Maybe once a month.

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy whose wife was still very much a part of his life. They were married 25 years and had grown kids. They remained a family even in divorce. The difference is that he always, always put time with me above time with his ex, and usually when he was with her for some reason, I was there too. I know it sounds weird but it was fine because there was no question that he prioritized our relationship.

You need to set some boundaries or break up, I’d say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my ex, who now lives in an apartment, that I was going to put up a nice patio in the back because it would be much easier to maintain and because I hate to garden. He loves to garden, so he comes over and putters in the backyard and grows his tomatoes. We don't hate each other, and it doesn't bother me at all. And no, we're not sleeping together.

Right. But how does your ex’s gf feel. Your story is not relevant.

What the woman he cheated on me with thinks I care not at all. She took damaged goods.

In OPs case, this isn’t about an ex-wife, it’s about a supposed boyfriend who doesn’t want to spend time with her and spends his free time with someone else (sexual or non-sexual). What does that say about OP’s self-esteem?