Reply to Divorced BF spends weekends doing “projects” at Ex wife’s house

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A few years after my divorce my ex wife called me and told me a shower nob in the bathroom was leaking and wanted to know If I would fix it like I did when we were married.

I was out of state getting trained for a new job at the time and so I could not help her. I told her that we were not married any longer and the house is not mine so she should either fix it herself or hire someone. She got very upset with me. She told the kids I don't care about them any more because I wouldn't help.

Ex wives are notoriously mean and cruel and often use children to hurt their ex husband.

He may be doing things to keep her from going off the deep end.[/quote]

Thanks for this comment. I believe he feels guilty for the demise of his marriage and goes over the top (in my modest opinion) buying his ex wife and daughter fancy vacations, a new pool for the house, a new car (“they need it”) etc etc. He does whatever they ask, but complains about it to me later, as if they forced him. I get it, but it bothers me as I have a much less cozy relationship with my former spouse.[/quote]

Your BF needs therapy.  And doesn’t recognize it, and won’t.  Unfortunately, I married this guy.  His ex wanted the divorce but he is the one who carries the guilt for the impact it had on his DD, and he spent the next many years in fix-it mode, being at the beck and call of both of them.  Frequently bailing his ex out for her extreme financial irresponsibility even though they were at exactly the same federal salary level.  Paying much more in child support than mandated.  Paying for vacations for the two of them but never going on vacation himself.

I spun most of it in a positive way.  What a devoted father he is.  That he and ex were not at each other’s Throats.  That he was not bitter toward an ex who hurt him so much.

Now I see the bigger truth.  That he can’t process negative feelings and fixes them through being a martyr.  That he can’t and won’t prioritize himself in a pathological way, but is embittered about it.  He’s now in a similar dynamic with me.  He does SO much around the house for us that I never ask for but is resentful of it.  His grown daughter who has has had everything given to her and has been bailed out of every slight inconvenience or mistake is now a heroin addict in court-ordered rehab.  He refuses to go to therapy to acknowledge his role in enabling her and fueling her addiction.  He can’t talk about anything that hurts him or makes him mad.  He buried himself in projects to make bad feelings go away temporarily.

He IS a devoted dad and in many ways a decent person.  But he is utterly emotional unavailable, to me, to our child, to his daughter, and to himself.  Beware.[/quote]

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