Divorced BF spends weekends doing “projects” at Ex wife’s house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always break up with him, op. I would.

+1000

But life is messy... he probably feels guilty for having affairs and leaving her. Am I right?

eh, he's playing PT husband to his ex wife. He's going over there to help her but also to keep an eye on her. They are still entangled.

I would break up with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH did this for years. He mowed the grass every week, fixed the fence, gutters, helped when the pipes froze and burst. His kids lived there at the time. Once the youngest went to college she moved (also was only her house after the divorce). She still lives close. He went to her new house recently and changed the up high need a ladder light bulbs.

When the kids were in high school I’d go with him frequently. We also had to exchange our Tupperware from packing school lunches. She taught my daughter how to sew.

OP - are his kids still living there? Could you conceivably go with him on occasion? If you’re going to marry this man his ex wife will be in your life

Sister-wives!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH did this for years. He mowed the grass every week, fixed the fence, gutters, helped when the pipes froze and burst. His kids lived there at the time. Once the youngest went to college she moved (also was only her house after the divorce). She still lives close. He went to her new house recently and changed the up high need a ladder light bulbs.

When the kids were in high school I’d go with him frequently. We also had to exchange our Tupperware from packing school lunches. She taught my daughter how to sew.

OP - are his kids still living there? Could you conceivably go with him on occasion? If you’re going to marry this man his ex wife will be in your life

Sister-wives!

It's nice that you could share him so nicely!

[Anonymous]

How often does he do this? If he spent the day there taking care of all the repairs and won’t be there for the next few weeks then it’s fine, but if he’s there a lot, then he’s looking for a reason to be with her and kids. Perhaps he misses having a family and being a provider?

You could fix this by getting pregnant....joking of course

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH did this for years. He mowed the grass every week, fixed the fence, gutters, helped when the pipes froze and burst. His kids lived there at the time. Once the youngest went to college she moved (also was only her house after the divorce). She still lives close. He went to her new house recently and changed the up high need a ladder light bulbs.

When the kids were in high school I’d go with him frequently. We also had to exchange our Tupperware from packing school lunches. She taught my daughter how to sew.

OP - are his kids still living there? Could you conceivably go with him on occasion? If you’re going to marry this man his ex wife will be in your life

Sister-wives!

This is the OP of this thread. We certainly had our share of disagreements over the years. Now that all the kids are almost done with college we only see each other a few times a year, it’s great to catch up.

We raised children together for sure but believe me there was nothing between her and DH after they separated (which was a year before DH and I even met)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often does he do this? If he spent the day there taking care of all the repairs and won’t be there for the next few weeks then it’s fine, but if he’s there a lot, then he’s looking for a reason to be with her and kids. Perhaps he misses having a family and being a provider?

You could fix this by getting pregnant....joking of course

Hahah I wish I’m 45!

[Anonymous]

I have kids and my ex does our repairs. But the kids are young. If she doesn't have kids living there, this needs to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You found a good guy and your going to blow it up but I suspect this is not your first time messing up a good relationship.

I haven’t “blown” anything up nor have a I messed up a good relationship. I just want to spend time with him on weekends, and yet he is often away doing chores at his former wife’s house, which he hides from me. He lived there too for many years, so he wants to do the work. He tells me “no one else cares enough to do a good job.” One 18 year old kid still lives in the home.

I actually don’t find it odd that he would help his ex with repairs on his former home, especially if there is still a kid living in the house. He is also right that it’s hard to find someone that may care as much as he does about doing the job right. The real problem is him not making time for you on the weekend and that he lies about what he is doing.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s more an attachment to the house? No longer a financial investment, but an emotional one? At any rate, if he’s not available to you, the reason why is almost immaterial. Doesn’t sound like he’s the one. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex helps with house repairs. I was the first wife and we're still friends. Sorry you're insecure.

I don’t think I’m insecure, actually, I just want to spend time with him. It seems like she should handle stuff at her house- hire contractors to get it done, and not pressure him. She is wealthy, cost is not an issue. He still seems very attached. As someone said “it’s what I signed up for”... but, really?

Well my ex will always hold a special place in my heart. We were together 26 years and have kids. I'm sorry you feel put out but I was here FIRST! If you don't like it he is not the man for you. Better to find someone who stills cares about his ex and kids. They are keepers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You found a good guy and your going to blow it up but I suspect this is not your first time messing up a good relationship.

I haven’t “blown” anything up nor have a I messed up a good relationship. I just want to spend time with him on weekends, and yet he is often away doing chores at his former wife’s house, which he hides from me. He lived there too for many years, so he wants to do the work. He tells me “no one else cares enough to do a good job.” One 18 year old kid still lives in the home.

OP, this isn’t about the ex or the house. It’s about him choosing to spend time away from you and hiding things from you. If he were choosing to spend every Saturday at a bar or on the golf course AND hiding that from you, you’d be just as pissed. This is about someone not being available for the kind of relationship you want to have.
Move on. You want something different than he can or is ready to give. Doesn’t make him a jerk or you a needy person. This isn’t the relationship for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s more an attachment to the house? No longer a financial investment, but an emotional one? At any rate, if he’s not available to you, the reason why is almost immaterial. Doesn’t sound like he’s the one. Sorry, OP.

+1. I think this is it. He doesn’t want to see the house deteriorate—it really bugs him. I’d consider it a hobby and just keep myself busy on my own projects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You found a good guy and your going to blow it up but I suspect this is not your first time messing up a good relationship.

I haven’t “blown” anything up nor have a I messed up a good relationship. I just want to spend time with him on weekends, and yet he is often away doing chores at his former wife’s house, which he hides from me. He lived there too for many years, so he wants to do the work. He tells me “no one else cares enough to do a good job.” One 18 year old kid still lives in the home.

OP, this isn’t about the ex or the house. It’s about him choosing to spend time away from you and hiding things from you. If he were choosing to spend every Saturday at a bar or on the golf course AND hiding that from you, you’d be just as pissed. This is about someone not being available for the kind of relationship you want to have.
Move on. You want something different than he can or is ready to give. Doesn’t make him a jerk or you a needy person. This isn’t the relationship for you.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You found a good guy and your going to blow it up but I suspect this is not your first time messing up a good relationship.

I haven’t “blown” anything up nor have a I messed up a good relationship. I just want to spend time with him on weekends, and yet he is often away doing chores at his former wife’s house, which he hides from me. He lived there too for many years, so he wants to do the work. He tells me “no one else cares enough to do a good job.” One 18 year old kid still lives in the home.

I actually don’t find it odd that he would help his ex with repairs on his former home, especially if there is still a kid living in the house. He is also right that it’s hard to find someone that may care as much as he does about doing the job right. The real problem is him not making time for you on the weekend and that he lies about what he is doing.

I find it odd. That house is his XWs problem now, not his. If something needs fuxing, she should pay a contractor.

[Anonymous]

The nopest nope that ever noped.