when (if) to tell kids about their IVF conception?

[Anonymous]

You guys are so weird. It’s not a big deal. I’ve told my kid, and she’s 8. It came up when we talked about how babies were made. Why are you acting like it’s some major, big secret? ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would it be any of your children's business about HOW they were conceived? "Sweetie, see, mommy was in the Missionary Position and daddy was …" They are your children by DNA. There is no medical reason at all for them to know the circumstances of their conception.

You do realize that fertility issues can be inherited? I don't understand what the big deal is. It's no different that telling your kids that certain cancers or genetic illnesses run in the family.

[Anonymous]

It came up when my twins where young teens one day, and we're wondering why there were no other twins in the family. I explained in a very basic way. Like the obamas, my husband and I were faced with unexplained infertility at the relatively young age of 33 (both of us) and I think this info is something they should take into account. They also know grandma was 19 when I was born, so I don't think they are going to assume they are pregnancy proof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would it be any of your children's business about HOW they were conceived? "Sweetie, see, mommy was in the Missionary Position and daddy was …" They are your children by DNA. There is no medical reason at all for them to know the circumstances of their conception.

There are some studies coming out showing some potential medical issues linked to IVF conception, so I do think that the information is relevant to your children. https://www.reuters.com/article/us-health-ivf-hypertension-idUSKCN1LM2PY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would it be any of your children's business about HOW they were conceived? "Sweetie, see, mommy was in the Missionary Position and daddy was …" They are your children by DNA. There is no medical reason at all for them to know the circumstances of their conception.

Because infertility has become part of their identity they spent many years being infertile they don’t know how to put it away and our now forcing their emotions onto their kids.

F*ck no, it is not about identity, it is MEDICAL INFORMATION!!!

1) IVF and other forms of ART are still pretty cutting edge it is entirely possible that 20 years from now we will learn that being conceived this way causes and increased risk of X and kids deserve to have that information.
2) IVF in a hetero couple means a history of infertility, which either means you had a diagnosed issue that could be passed to your children or grandchildren, or worse, you had and undiagnosed issue that could be passed on. Not disclosing could lead your kid to be misdiagnosed later if the missing sympton is infertility and they have not yet tried to start a family and have no family history (that they know about).
3) No, children conceived “naturally” do not need to hear about the sex, but they also deserve information about their parents’ fertility, particularly girls. I had only ever used condoms, we tried to get pregnant for 2 years and I decided to take a break and go on the pill. When I stopped taking HBC, we got pregnant right away.” That is a very different story from, “Oh, as soon as we stopped using condoms I got pregnant.” It is also a different story from “I had an IUD but we got pregnant anyway.” It is also a different story from, “Well, we never used birth control, but I did have 2 miscarriages before we had you.” Each story of conception provides useful information that could lead to different choices for your DD and different diagnoses for some kinds of fertility or other health issues that arise later.

Basically, you need to grow up and realize that conceiving, carrying and deliverinng a child in any way is a major medical event that provides a lots of information about both reproductive health and overall health. Your kid will likely need to make some medical decisions for you as you age and will certainly need to make their own reproductive and medical decisions and they deserve the best information possible to inform those decisions.

[Anonymous]

This is a medical issue, and there’s zero social/emotional fallout due to adoption, surrogacy or donated sperm/eggs, so I’m not sure why you’re withholding information. I would be clear that it was a combination of issues for both mom and dad, and that the likelihood is that they may have a few issues, but it’s also possible that they wouldn’t have any issues, so be very, very careful. I don’t think you need to go into the mechanics, but letting them know that you tried for 18 months before going through IVF? That's something they might like to hear, that they were that wanted.

By the way, am I the only one very shocked that these kids don’t all know already about reproduction?! We’re not talking about 4yo, these are 8yo and 12yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't tell them until they are old and mature enough. Why burden them with information they don't need to know, unless they specifically ask for it.

They are 100% your and DH's. It's not like the kids are adopted or result of donor eggs.

Do today kids want to know how they were conceived, either through IVF or one night of passion?

I'm 30 and I know that I was conceived after my parents had a really great time at a friend's wedding. Knowing this has added zero value to my life.

33, mom was on BC and antibiotics. Thanks, Mom, I appreciate knowing what may happen.

My sister is 32, mother was breastfeeding and thought she was okay. Thanks for debunking the myth, Mom.

She’s had two miscarriages (before and after my brother), one C-section, preeclampsia and gestational diabetes with my brother that almost killed her, and had her tubes tied.

She’s frank about the pros/cons of natural vs C-section, breastfeeding, babywearing and all the other choices she made. She’s never hidden anything in our medical history. She found ways to explain both miscarriages and how sick she was with my brother when my sister and I were 2-5, so I’m pretty sure OP can figure out how to explain IVF to 8 and 12yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell them. People love to know the details of their origins. Also tell them it doesn't mean they can't get pregnant easily.

What the actual fu%k? I have zero desire to know where and when my parents had intercourse. I like to know my origins in terms of heritage, but not interested in the dirty details of conception.

Two friends from school were named for the towns where their parents conceived them. I thought it was interesting. At 13, they thought it was disgusting, at 18+, they were at interesting.

[Anonymous]

I know where I was conceived. Never seemed a big deal.

Outside the army base on a weekend off... Mom forgot her diaphragm and they said "just once won't matter".

This knowledge has had no impact on my life since I didn't learn it until after I already knew that my parents had sex (horrors!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

Geez Louise, you people (well some of you) have strong opinions about this. And they're quite conflicting opinions.

And furthermore, someone wrote above "Op, I think you're inventing reasons. most people do, they invent reasons when they would prefer to share something but are conflicted."

Lol. Read my post. I didn't give any reasons for telling or not telling. I simply asked the question and OTHER PEOPLE have been giving me reasons for both sides.


****This entire question was brought to my mind by Michelle Obama's IVF revelation. Because obviously her girls (aged 17 and 20) now know the circumstances of their conception.
SO I thought, "Hmmm. I wonder when/if I'll tell my kids?"

If it is helpful, Mrs. Obama said that she talked about it because the African American community doesn't discuss infertility, which leaves people far more isolated than they need be. She is a strong woman and a role model. It means a lot that she is so open. Personally, I'd love to see her talk more about health issues facing the black community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are so weird. It’s not a big deal. I’ve told my kid, and she’s 8. It came up when we talked about how babies were made. Why are you acting like it’s some major, big secret? ?

+1

[Anonymous]

I am finding these responses so baffling. My child is three so it hasn’t come up yet but I can’t inagine keeping the IVF a secret. Maybe when he learns about it in school? We aren’t ashamed of it. People have families in all different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am finding these responses so baffling. My child is three so it hasn’t come up yet but I can’t inagine keeping the IVF a secret. Maybe when he learns about it in school? We aren’t ashamed of it. People have families in all different ways.

Me too. Things change so fast now. I have a friend who found out that she and her brother were only half siblings because they did DNA test for fun one year. Their parents had never told them that they were both conceived by sperm donor and both parents are long dead. They wish the parents had told them when they were alive but the parents definitely did not see 23 and me coming and passed away before anything like that became a thing.

Nowadays none of these things have the same stigmas, but it is much easier for kids if they just always know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a medical issue, and there’s zero social/emotional fallout due to adoption, surrogacy or donated sperm/eggs, so I’m not sure why you’re withholding information. I would be clear that it was a combination of issues for both mom and dad, and that the likelihood is that they may have a few issues, but it’s also possible that they wouldn’t have any issues, so be very, very careful. I don’t think you need to go into the mechanics, but letting them know that you tried for 18 months before going through IVF? That's something they might like to hear, that they were that wanted.

By the way, am I the only one very shocked that these kids don’t all know already about reproduction?! We’re not talking about 4yo, these are 8yo and 12yo.

OP here. Where did I say they don't have knowledge? Did you even read my post? It makes me crazy how people on DCUM jump on any opportunity to put others down, even if it's due to their own poor reading comprehension.

My 12 year olds know about sex. We've told them and they've had quite detailed sex education instruction at school. My 8 year old knows less. She knows what we've told her but she has not had the formal instruction at school (which went into detail for multiple hours).
And no, we didn't tell our kids (when we taught them about sex at age 8) that they were conceived by IVF. They had no interest, we did not tell them. In teaching them about sex we didn't didn't personalize sex or the role of sex in their conception AT ALL. No: "did you know? daddy and I have sex" No: "you weren't actually conceived through sex but through a lab after having sex didn't work for us".
They were 8. We talked about the mechanics, etc. We did not personalize it.
Again, it's interesting to me that the opinions about this vary SO greatly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Wow, gotta love DCUM.
Within a page of replies I've been insulted in both directions--- for not telling the kids already and for even thinking of telling them at any point.

Thx for all the rest who offered up thoughtful replies.
Clearly this isn't a cut-and-dry issue.

Definitely not an easy yes/no, OP!
I think I would tell them when you are talking to them about how babies in general are conceived. Hopefully that conversation will include many ways children come to a family (including adoption, ivf, c sections) and you can share their particular birth story. I think it would be cool to know how much they were wanted. I don’t think it needs to be a big reveal, just the details of their beginning. I actually think sex ed is pretty delinquent in not including this information about how a baby can be conceived.