when (if) to tell kids about their IVF conception?

[Anonymous]

Our kids (twins--12 and a 3rd child---almost 9) were conceived by IVF. We were in our early 30s at the time of conception and had a combination of issues that resulted in us not conceiving (low sperm count, relatively crummy eggs, etc). Tried naturally 18+ months each time and ended up doing IVF which worked each time.
We did not use donor anything. They're our own DNA and they're completely healthy and have been since birth. Many of their friends (here in DC) are also IVF conceptions (I know because the moms are my good friends, not because the kids know).

So given that background, when would you tell the kids? There's never been a need to tell them so far. (The 12 year olds know about the role of sex in conceiving babies and the almost-9 year old has some very basic knowledge as well but that's about it).
I'm not sure if we should bring it up now (tween/pre-tween), later in teenage-hood, once they're young adults or married or never. I have no idea if they'll care now or later or ever.
We're the only ones in our extended families who had any issues conceiving so it's not a generational issue.

Thoughts, especially from anyone who has been there?
Thx!

[Anonymous]

If you did not use a donor egg or sperm, I do not think that you should say a word.

Kids, especially tweens and teens, don't want to hear anything about their parents sex life, fertility or how/when they were conceived.

They don't want to think about dad having to produce sperm with a magazine and cup vs the traditional way. They don't want to envision mom and dad conceiving in a doctor's office vs through sex, because they don't want to think of their parents and sex in any capacity. They would sooner give up electronics and internet for the rest of their lives than have their parents' sex life brought to their attention.

The only way I would share that information is within a medical context, if your own child is trying to conceive and they share infertility with you.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if this is a serious question you are in dire need of a parenting class and/or counseling, because you are probably getting a lot of other stuff wrong, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if this is a serious question you are in dire need of a parenting class and/or counseling, because you are probably getting a lot of other stuff wrong, too.

No need to be so rude. Lots of time people use this forum to ask questions they can't ask anywhere else and just want to hear what people have to say.

[Anonymous]

I would tell them around the time they might try to conceive, so they know the family history.

[Anonymous]

Why would they ever need to know this unless they directly asked you whether IVF was involved?

[Anonymous]

It's a possibility that your kids inherited fertility issues from you and your husband. I would tell them when they are college age just so they know their family medical history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a possibility that your kids inherited fertility issues from you and your husband. I would tell them when they are college age just so they know their family medical history.

+1

[Anonymous]

Don't tell 'em until their married or otherwise in a position to have children. You don't want teenagers to think they'd have any trouble at all getting pregnant!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you did not use a donor egg or sperm, I do not think that you should say a word.

Kids, especially tweens and teens, don't want to hear anything about their parents sex life, fertility or how/when they were conceived.

They don't want to think about dad having to produce sperm with a magazine and cup vs the traditional way. They don't want to envision mom and dad conceiving in a doctor's office vs through sex, because they don't want to think of their parents and sex in any capacity. They would sooner give up electronics and internet for the rest of their lives than have their parents' sex life brought to their attention.

The only way I would share that information is within a medical context, if your own child is trying to conceive and they share infertility with you.

This sounds ridiculous. When little kids ask where babies come from and they learn about this process then as they age they could just as easily picture their parents having sex.

I don’t understand why the op wouldn’t just explain about the ivf to all 3 kids since they’re old enough to understand. Op, I wouldn’t refer to “crummy” eggs. I don’t know if low sperm count is inheritable but fertility issues certainly are. Lifestyle choices can affect both. Just be low key. Maybe use Michelle Obama’s interview as a spring board to bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Put it in your memoir and let hem read about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you did not use a donor egg or sperm, I do not think that you should say a word.

Kids, especially tweens and teens, don't want to hear anything about their parents sex life, fertility or how/when they were conceived.

They don't want to think about dad having to produce sperm with a magazine and cup vs the traditional way. They don't want to envision mom and dad conceiving in a doctor's office vs through sex, because they don't want to think of their parents and sex in any capacity. They would sooner give up electronics and internet for the rest of their lives than have their parents' sex life brought to their attention.

The only way I would share that information is within a medical context, if your own child is trying to conceive and they share infertility with you.

You sound really repressed. Do you think ignoring issues that kids won’t wonder about them? Wouldn’t you rather your kids learn things from you versus other people? The op doesn’t have to go into details about ejaculating into a cup. Sharing about ivf let’s the kids know just how much they were wanted.

[Anonymous]

I would tell them. People love to know the details of their origins. Also tell them it doesn't mean they can't get pregnant easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell 'em until their married or otherwise in a position to have children. You don't want teenagers to think they'd have any trouble at all getting pregnant!

This!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t raise it until my children were of an age where they wanted to start a family and would need to know for medical reasons. Or if they asked directly I would tell them. No reason not to.