when (if) to tell kids about their IVF conception?
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Anonymous
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I had twins via IVF, also without the use of any donors. I am very open with my children. I want them to know that no topics are off limits with me. I may decline to answer a specific question for various reasons (which we may discuss), but they should never be afraid to ask. We had discussed conception in vague terms before, but we had the official, in-depth sex talk last year, when they were 9. One of them immediately blurted out, “Ew, you guys did that to have us?!” I don’t ever want them to think that I mislead them or lied to them, so I came clean and explained that we had trouble conceiving and needed help from doctors using fertility treatments, so we did a lot more than have sex in order to have them. As they have asked questions, I have answered them. They know that the sperm and eggs used to conceive them were combined in a laboratory. They take it as a matter of fact and currently don’t seem to have any strong feelings about it — but I anticipate that we will have ongoing discussions for years to come and their feelings may change over time.
One of my children has special needs and we have often had to fill out forms for specialists that asked about the circumstances of my pregnancy. If you don’t have children with special needs, you might be surprised what information doctors, psychologists, speech therapists, etc., find relevant, long after your child’s birth. I consider the fact that they were conceived via IVF to be part of my childrens’ medical histories. It’s not information that should be withheld forever. |
Anonymous
| I would definitely tell them when they are young adults or sooner. I wouldn’t make a big deal. Look for something like the recent Michelle Obama article where she shares that she used IVF and mention it in front of them. E.g., say you your husband over dinner, “Did you see that Michelle Obama article, dear? What did you think? I really related to it. Kids, did you know that we used IVF to have you guys?” |
Anonymous
| Of COURSE you should tell them. I think sometime in the late teen - early 20s years is appropriate |
Anonymous
Deal God, shall I tell my oldest son I had sex with his dad after work one day, threw my pants on and went to Walmart? ShalI tell him he was most likely fertilized at Walmart? You people are so incredibly weird. |
Anonymous
What the actual fu%k? I have zero desire to know where and when my parents had intercourse. I like to know my origins in terms of heritage, but not interested in the dirty details of conception. |
Anonymous
My face if I had learned the details of my conception. 
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Anonymous
| I’m not sure the value in it outside of rare circumstances no one cares how they were conceived. This easy a big thing for you and your DH. Not everyone else including your kids. You having fertility therapy doesn’t mean your kids will need it. Maybe in the future. But if you’re dying to celebrate your own specialness just mention the Obamas and bring it up |
Anonymous
So you aren't going to tell your kids that they were conceived via IVF? |
Anonymous
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OP here again.
Geez Louise, you people (well some of you) have strong opinions about this. And they're quite conflicting opinions. And furthermore, someone wrote above "Op, I think you're inventing reasons. most people do, they invent reasons when they would prefer to share something but are conflicted." Lol. Read my post. I didn't give any reasons for telling or not telling. I simply asked the question and OTHER PEOPLE have been giving me reasons for both sides. ****This entire question was brought to my mind by Michelle Obama's IVF revelation. Because obviously her girls (aged 17 and 20) now know the circumstances of their conception. SO I thought, "Hmmm. I wonder when/if I'll tell my kids?" |
Anonymous
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The different ways that people conceive is now part of a lot of sex ed curricula.
In our case my kids know all the ways that people have babies because we know kids/have friends with kids who have done it all - IVF, IUI, donor egg, donor sperm, surrogate, adoption. I think that if our kids had been conceived by IVF we would have told them then. They already knew they were born by c/s but also how babies are usually born vaginally. |
Anonymous
If you read the whole excerpt from the book, you will see that Michele feels it is her duty to let young women know that the biological clock is real and that quality egg production is limited. I agree with her. She says we do young women a “disservice” when we we don’t talk about the realities of how our bodies work. Michelle Obama was dealing with infertility at “only” 34, which is widely considered a reasonable age to start a family in educated, professional circles. Kicking the can down the road on staring a family is not smart, and it often results in a lot of heartache. |
Anonymous
| I’d tell them now. It’s weird to me to spring information like that on anyone in their twenties or older. That makes it a bigger deal than it should be. |
Anonymous
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Either if they ask (probably not)
or when they are seriously considering marriage or having a baby- it's medical information they should know as an adult |
Anonymous
This. Don’t lie if asked outright, but there is no reason that children (as opposed to young adults or adults) need to know this information. |
Anonymous
| If not asked, I see no reason why it should be shared. Unless you found yourself having a heart to heart with a daughter facing infertility |