when (if) to tell kids about their IVF conception?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If not asked, I see no reason why it should be shared. Unless you found yourself having a heart to heart with a daughter facing infertility

Well, it would be shitty to find out that infertility runs in your family after you’re already having trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell them. People love to know the details of their origins. Also tell them it doesn't mean they can't get pregnant easily.

What the actual fu%k? I have zero desire to know where and when my parents had intercourse. I like to know my origins in terms of heritage, but not interested in the dirty details of conception.

So you aren't going to tell your kids that they were conceived via IVF?

I never thought about it to be honest. I also never thought to share the details of the size of my blood clots when I have my period.

[Anonymous]

My view is this is something that needs to be shared. Not all the details at once, but overtime just as you talk about sex in different ways based on age/maturity.
Also, my kids were conceived with IVF and it’s in their medical record with the pediatrician and with any other doctor they’ve seen. If I hadn’t told my kids (now 10, 13 & 15) they could’ve found out that way. That being said, there’s a five year spread between my oldest and youngest, what the oldest knows and understands is different from what my youngest does.
Finally, at this point there is nothing in my kids medical history that is probably tied to IVF, but we don’t know about the future and they might need the information.

[Anonymous]

I think i would want to know this information and would feel deceived if my parents hadn’t told me. Having fertility treatments is a big part of their parents history. I think if I were told this as an adult I would be annoyed that it had been withheld.

[Anonymous]

I am on my second IVF pregnancy. Both are boys so my PCOS diagnosis won't affect them, but I will still tell them so I can share pictures of them as blastocysts!

[Anonymous]

Why would it be any of your children's business about HOW they were conceived? "Sweetie, see, mommy was in the Missionary Position and daddy was …" They are your children by DNA. There is no medical reason at all for them to know the circumstances of their conception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think i would want to know this information and would feel deceived if my parents hadn’t told me. Having fertility treatments is a big part of their parents history. I think if I were told this as an adult I would be annoyed that it had been withheld.

I think you need some serious help if you would feel annoyed, deceived or otherwise entitled to have all the details of your parents parenting story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would it be any of your children's business about HOW they were conceived? "Sweetie, see, mommy was in the Missionary Position and daddy was …" They are your children by DNA. There is no medical reason at all for them to know the circumstances of their conception.

Because infertility has become part of their identity they spent many years being infertile they don’t know how to put it away and our now forcing their emotions onto their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would it be any of your children's business about HOW they were conceived? "Sweetie, see, mommy was in the Missionary Position and daddy was …" They are your children by DNA. There is no medical reason at all for them to know the circumstances of their conception.

There is no reason NOT to tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think i would want to know this information and would feel deceived if my parents hadn’t told me. Having fertility treatments is a big part of their parents history. I think if I were told this as an adult I would be annoyed that it had been withheld.

I think you might have deeper issues if you would react so tragically to the "shocking" news that you were not conceived via penetration, but instead in a petri dish. Not sure why you would be so emotionally bonded to conception via vaginal penetration.

Were you born vaginally or via c section? Would you feel equally decieved if you were born via c section? Was you being born vaginally as much of an important part of your life as to how you as an ovum and a sperm came together to become as one into a zygote?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

Geez Louise, you people (well some of you) have strong opinions about this. And they're quite conflicting opinions.

And furthermore, someone wrote above "Op, I think you're inventing reasons. most people do, they invent reasons when they would prefer to share something but are conflicted."

Lol. Read my post. I didn't give any reasons for telling or not telling. I simply asked the question and OTHER PEOPLE have been giving me reasons for both sides.


****This entire question was brought to my mind by Michelle Obama's IVF revelation. Because obviously her girls (aged 17 and 20) now know the circumstances of their conception.
SO I thought, "Hmmm. I wonder when/if I'll tell my kids?"

OP, I too don't understand why people are having such strong reactions to this -- both ways. Really, both are reasonable choices, depending on the circumstances and family dynamics. Our first kid was natural and our second IVF (both biological). I think I did feel some small amount of stigma from having an IVF baby, although I don't think that was rational, but I can't help how I felt. Anyway, maybe because of that, we made sure that we told the kid as just part of the natural story of his life, probably starting when he was 3 or 4 with little things like a doctor helped us get you because we wanted you so badly and then, with the first sex ed talk whenever he first asked a question (which I thing was 6), explaining it a bit more then. In other words, we didn't want it to be a big deal or a big revelation, just something he grew up knowing. It worked very well for us. It's not a big deal at all and just another fact in the family. Neither kid has thought about it in terms of their fertility, and I didn't share any of the sadness and anxiety and stress of that time, although I will do that as they get older if it becomes relevant. I now feel no stigma from having an IVF baby. And I would do the same thing -- tell as if it were no big deal, just one of the many variations on how families form. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If not asked, I see no reason why it should be shared. Unless you found yourself having a heart to heart with a daughter facing infertility

If you only offer information to your children if they’ve specifically asked for it because you think things such as fertility/infertility and conception should be kept private, then what makes you think your dd would open up to you about her infertility?

[Anonymous]

My 4yr old knows. He has seen the picture of his embryo. We treat it pretty matter of fact and he has not asked many questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell them. People love to know the details of their origins. Also tell them it doesn't mean they can't get pregnant easily.

What the actual fu%k? I have zero desire to know where and when my parents had intercourse. I like to know my origins in terms of heritage, but not interested in the dirty details of conception.

So you aren't going to tell your kids that they were conceived via IVF?

NP here, didn't conceive kids via IVF.

Who cares? We're talking about where the sperm met the egg, not about the identity of father or mother. Do people tell their kid that she was conceived in a park at noon while daddy was drunk and horny instead of in a bedroom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My view is this is something that needs to be shared. Not all the details at once, but overtime just as you talk about sex in different ways based on age/maturity.
Also, my kids were conceived with IVF and it’s in their medical record with the pediatrician and with any other doctor they’ve seen. If I hadn’t told my kids (now 10, 13 & 15) they could’ve found out that way. That being said, there’s a five year spread between my oldest and youngest, what the oldest knows and understands is different from what my youngest does.
Finally, at this point there is nothing in my kids medical history that is probably tied to IVF, but we don’t know about the future and they might need the information.

Why are you telling any of their doctors this? No doctor has ever asked me for that information and it never occurred to me to offer.