when (if) to tell kids about their IVF conception?

[Anonymous]

I cant imagine not telling. Why shroud it in secrecy? You are going to pretend you conceived easily?

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe your 12yo don’t already know!!! It sounds like you’re ashamed of?? I think an IVF procedure is a lot easier for kids to hear from their parents about than a more “traditional” one AND if you couch it with all you went through to make sure you had them-geez OP. Truly-it’s such a common and straightforward path to birth

[Anonymous]

OP here.
Wow, gotta love DCUM.
Within a page of replies I've been insulted in both directions--- for not telling the kids already and for even thinking of telling them at any point.

Thx for all the rest who offered up thoughtful replies.
Clearly this isn't a cut-and-dry issue.

[Anonymous]

Hi - I have twins conceived via IVF as well. We haven't talked to them about IVF per se, but we used the occasion of them learning more about sex in the 5th grade "family health unit" to say that, for me, getting pregnant didn't happen the normal way, so a doctor helped us. It was kind of sweet, because in sharing this, I couldn't help but convey how very much we wanted them and how very long we waited. I don't see any reason they need to know the mechanics of IVF at this point, but I also don't see any reason they shouldn't. I just felt the "I had some problems that made it so I couldn't get pregnant the regular way, so a doctor helped us" message was appropriate at their age. I'm sure in time, as they learn what IVF is, they'll figure it out (and certainly if they ask "was it called IVF, I'll say yes). No reason not to share in my opinion, and some PPs bring up a good point about it potentially being important for them to know when they are adults. That said, by the time they're adults, there will hopefully be less mystery/isolation around the issue and the science will be perfected, so, if they need it, they won't have to go through as much as we did.

[Anonymous]

At first I thought you used a donor but because you didn't, there is ZERO reason children need to know this. I guess if they asked you could answer if you are comfortable doing so, but the only reason someone would need to know this is if they themselves had trouble conceiving. For that purpose, I think you'd tell them as an adult.

Frankly, I would be somewhat concerned that my teen might assume wrongly that this makes them less likely to run into teen pregnancy issues, and I don't want that assumption being made! On the other end of the spectrum, I had a friend who was aware of her aunt's fertility issues, loved this aunt, and assumed she would inevitably have fertility issues herself, which kind of messed with her mind a little bit. Not necessary and totally avoidable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cant imagine not telling. Why shroud it in secrecy? You are going to pretend you conceived easily?

I agree. I don’t understand why it’s an issue. Various types of assisted reproduction are extremely common these days, and the general topic seems like a normal part of any discussion about how people form families. I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t talk with their kids about all the ways people form families, and once you’re at that point, it seems pretty natural to explain that these techniques helped your family, too. Keeping it a secret can send a message—whether you mean to or not—that you think it’s embarrassing or shameful or otherwise stigmatizing.

[Anonymous]

I have an adopted child and am a big believer in being as truthful as possible. In your case though you had help, I dont think its something they need to know.

[Anonymous]

I have IVF kids and I would not tell them until they were getting married or thinking of having a family. I have a very specific reason though. I knew a wonderful person who was an only child of an infertile couple and she was their miracle baby. The mother told her at a young age. My friend decided she must be infertile as well and she basically had a bunch of very dysfunctional relationships and sabataged anything healthy because she believed she could not have biological children. She also hated her mother and never wanted to be like her. It really broke my hear to see someone engage in self destructive behavior because of her parents.

[Anonymous]

I see no reason to tell them

Op, I think you're inventing reasons. most people do, they invent reasons when they would prefer to share something but are conflicted. I know, as with anything, it feels uncomfortable to have something you don't share ... but that's your problem. I mean it's not a problem but the slight discomfort is your problem.

[Anonymous]

I plan to tell DC later, when starting a family is something to be thinking about. I do think there’s reason for kids to know.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell them so they don’t delay childbearing so long that they, too, end up needing to pay for IVF.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell them until they are old and mature enough. Why burden them with information they don't need to know, unless they specifically ask for it.

They are 100% your and DH's. It's not like the kids are adopted or result of donor eggs.

Do today kids want to know how they were conceived, either through IVF or one night of passion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell them. People love to know the details of their origins. Also tell them it doesn't mean they can't get pregnant easily.

Nope, people do not love to know the details of their conception. Where did you get that idea? Did you ask your parents to tell you about their intercourse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you did not use a donor egg or sperm, I do not think that you should say a word.

Kids, especially tweens and teens, don't want to hear anything about their parents sex life, fertility or how/when they were conceived.

They don't want to think about dad having to produce sperm with a magazine and cup vs the traditional way. They don't want to envision mom and dad conceiving in a doctor's office vs through sex, because they don't want to think of their parents and sex in any capacity. They would sooner give up electronics and internet for the rest of their lives than have their parents' sex life brought to their attention.

The only way I would share that information is within a medical context, if your own child is trying to conceive and they share infertility with you.

I almost agree with you... and I do agree that this isn't something for them to know too young.

I would share the information once they are fully grown and old enough to partner. Sharing medical truths at the right age is critical and to hide it is a parenting fail.

You don't want to wait until infertility problems are actually shared, because what if they don't share their troubles with you? Then you helped create suffering for no reason.


Not everyone shares such things with their parents. We did not, instead choosing to spread a rumor in the family that we did not want children so they'd stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't tell them until they are old and mature enough. Why burden them with information they don't need to know, unless they specifically ask for it.

They are 100% your and DH's. It's not like the kids are adopted or result of donor eggs.

Do today kids want to know how they were conceived, either through IVF or one night of passion?

I'm 30 and I know that I was conceived after my parents had a really great time at a friend's wedding. Knowing this has added zero value to my life.