Are most adoptees unhappy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an adult adoptee. I had a good childhood and am reasonably well adjusted. I reconnected with my birth family in my 30s and they are a big part of my life now too--just a wonderful bonus. My birth mother was a teenager and would have done anything to keep me but did not have means or support. She went on to become an great mom to my younger bio sibs but carried with her tremendous pain until this day. It has complicated my feelings about adoption. One line I read that I thought was very apt for many birth mothers, adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Maybe young mothers aren't "forced" into adoption today, but great care should be taken not to participate in an adoption where but for money, the parent would keep and raise their baby. Its kind of messed up.

This. This. THIS. I'm also adopted and I love my adoptive family very much. Pretty well adjusted too. Also found my birthmother as an adult and came to understand how deeply she loves me and how much she wanted to raise me. She would have done so if she'd had even the tiniest amount of support. What was done to her was cruel and inhumane and it caused permanent damage that cannot be fixed.

So, while I will always support adoption in instances where the birth parents genuinely do not want to parent or they are dead, abusive, or otherwise permanently incapable, I also agree that great care needs to be taken to ensure that money/support isn't a factor in the decision to relinquish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d say putting them in counselling / therapy from day one (even if it’s play therapy).

Every single one of the adopted people I know has attachment, mood, or substance abuse problems. That includes within my own extended family. Now, I’m not saying that attachment and substance abuse issues don’t occur with “everyone else”, but I find it interesting that every adoptee I know has an issue. And that’s including those, who by all accounts (including their own) have had a happy life with their adoptive family.

I’ll be honest.. so many thread on THIS board have convinced me that I would never adopt, nor adopt a child I had and couldn’t keep, for whatever reason.

genetics? There is a reason the bio mom was in a position to have to give up her child. Likely her genetics were passed down to child. So not caused by adoption itself. Attachment would be the one thing connected to adoption, but substance abuse and mood issues are genetic. I am considering adoption and understand that that the child i get will likely have a genetic predisposition to . . . issues. But I want a family not perfect children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say putting them in counselling / therapy from day one (even if it’s play therapy).

Every single one of the adopted people I know has attachment, mood, or substance abuse problems. That includes within my own extended family. Now, I’m not saying that attachment and substance abuse issues don’t occur with “everyone else”, but I find it interesting that every adoptee I know has an issue. And that’s including those, who by all accounts (including their own) have had a happy life with their adoptive family.

I’ll be honest.. so many thread on THIS board have convinced me that I would never adopt, nor adopt a child I had and couldn’t keep, for whatever reason.

genetics? There is a reason the bio mom was in a position to have to give up her child. Likely her genetics were passed down to child. So not caused by adoption itself. Attachment would be the one thing connected to adoption, but substance abuse and mood issues are genetic. I am considering adoption and understand that that the child i get will likely have a genetic predisposition to . . . issues. But I want a family not perfect children.

Well, my child was the result of an affair, but her birth parents seem to be no different than the many people on this board who also have affairs.

[Anonymous]

[b] I’d say putting them in counselling / therapy from day one (even if it’s play therapy).

Every single one of the adopted people I know has attachment, mood, or substance abuse problems. That includes within my own extended family. Now, I’m not saying that attachment and substance abuse issues don’t occur with “everyone else”, but I find it interesting that every adoptee I know has an issue. And that’s including those, who by all accounts (including their own) have had a happy life with their adoptive family.

I’ll be honest.. so many thread on THIS board have convinced me that I would never adopt, nor adopt a child I had and couldn’t keep, for whatever reason.



Everyone you know, huh? All three of your adopted friends? What a completely erroneous thing to say. I am in my 60s. I am adopted, and I know many, many adopted children- my parents had many friends who also adopted (or that is why they were friends..) I am also a teacher...I am aware of many adoptive families- local adoptions, closed adoptions, interracial adoptions, overseas adoptions, adoptions of babies, adoptions of older kids, you name it.


[u]No, you are dead wrong. The children who ended up having issues might have been isolated without proper contact as a baby before adoption in an orphanage or foster care (think about the orphanages in Eastern Europe in the 80s after the collapse of the USSR, or born to known addicted mothers (and that isn't even always an outcome), and any other issues would appear to be attributed to what occurs in all families: trauma within the family- yes, the adopted family, not the bio family, trauma to the child of any kind, or kid who experimented as a teenager in substances- no different than kids who do that in biological families. There is no more incidence of issues- addiction, depression, acting out, whatever than any other kid, barring definable and overt etiology, which, BTW, biological kids all have as well. Some of you biological parents suffer with alcoholism, substance abuse, mental illness, genetic issues, too- just because you had your children biologically doesn't render your own sperm and eggs, or parenting style issue- free. You may also be a crappy parent as a biological parent and as an adoptive parent. No one has a handle on raising a perfect kid. Sorry. The many adopted people I know are happy, well-adjusted people. I also do not have depression, have ever been involved with drugs, have enjoyed a successful career, am happily married, and my own kids are well adjusted. Sorry to disappoint, PP. If you knew me, you wouldn't be able to write that all the adopted people you know have issues, correct?

CRITICAL THINKING, people. We just cannot generalize an idea based upon a limited context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say putting them in counselling / therapy from day one (even if it’s play therapy).

Every single one of the adopted people I know has attachment, mood, or substance abuse problems. That includes within my own extended family. Now, I’m not saying that attachment and substance abuse issues don’t occur with “everyone else”, but I find it interesting that every adoptee I know has an issue. And that’s including those, who by all accounts (including their own) have had a happy life with their adoptive family.

I’ll be honest.. so many thread on THIS board have convinced me that I would never adopt, nor adopt a child I had and couldn’t keep, for whatever reason.

genetics? There is a reason the bio mom was in a position to have to give up her child. Likely her genetics were passed down to child. So not caused by adoption itself. Attachment would be the one thing connected to adoption, but substance abuse and mood issues are genetic. I am considering adoption and understand that that the child i get will likely have a genetic predisposition to . . . issues. But I want a family not perfect children.

Well, my child was the result of an affair, but her birth parents seem to be no different than the many people on this board who also have affairs.

does your child have mood or substance abuse issues? Likely not. Though having an affair (I'm assuming extramarital) is reckless as is having an affair without contraception. But not terribly reckless, I guess. But genetically, s/he's got that. I'd never have an affair though no matter how tempted or unahppily married. I'm not at all reckless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: [b] I’d say putting them in counselling / therapy from day one (even if it’s play therapy).

Every single one of the adopted people I know has attachment, mood, or substance abuse problems. That includes within my own extended family. Now, I’m not saying that attachment and substance abuse issues don’t occur with “everyone else”, but I find it interesting that every adoptee I know has an issue. And that’s including those, who by all accounts (including their own) have had a happy life with their adoptive family.

I’ll be honest.. so many thread on THIS board have convinced me that I would never adopt, nor adopt a child I had and couldn’t keep, for whatever reason.



Everyone you know, huh? All three of your adopted friends? What a completely erroneous thing to say. I am in my 60s. I am adopted, and I know many, many adopted children- my parents had many friends who also adopted (or that is why they were friends..) I am also a teacher...I am aware of many adoptive families- local adoptions, closed adoptions, interracial adoptions, overseas adoptions, adoptions of babies, adoptions of older kids, you name it.


[u]No, you are dead wrong. The children who ended up having issues might have been isolated without proper contact as a baby before adoption in an orphanage or foster care (think about the orphanages in Eastern Europe in the 80s after the collapse of the USSR, or born to known addicted mothers (and that isn't even always an outcome), and any other issues would appear to be attributed to what occurs in all families: trauma within the family- yes, the adopted family, not the bio family, trauma to the child of any kind, or kid who experimented as a teenager in substances- no different than kids who do that in biological families. There is no more incidence of issues- addiction, depression, acting out, whatever than any other kid, barring definable and overt etiology, which, BTW, biological kids all have as well. Some of you biological parents suffer with alcoholism, substance abuse, mental illness, genetic issues, too- just because you had your children biologically doesn't render your own sperm and eggs, or parenting style issue- free. You may also be a crappy parent as a biological parent and as an adoptive parent. No one has a handle on raising a perfect kid. Sorry. The many adopted people I know are happy, well-adjusted people. I also do not have depression, have ever been involved with drugs, have enjoyed a successful career, am happily married, and my own kids are well adjusted. Sorry to disappoint, PP. If you knew me, you wouldn't be able to write that all the adopted people you know have issues, correct?

CRITICAL THINKING, people. We just cannot generalize an idea based upon a limited context.

Agreed. These kinds of posts are offensive to me as an adoptee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

+1

I'm an adoptive mom and I have no fear that my kids will leave me for their bio families. If they ever choose to seek their bio family, I would be supportive, as that seems to me to be a completely normal desire for many adoptees. I do have a fear that my kids would not be welcomed in a reunion by their bio family, but if their bio parents embrace them, and they love their bio parents, I would be happy for my kids. Just like having a second child did not make me love my first child less, finding and loving their bio parents need not make my kids love me any less. Do not let fear rob you, if this is what you truly want to do. But yes, you have to be open to what your kids will want (probably the same thing you have, if you were not adopted) and not just what you want. That is what parenting is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know any adoptee who doesn’t feel hurt by having been given up. That doesn’t mean their life was ruined or anything. But of course it’s a real issue.

Now you know one. I was left by my birthmother at the hospital after she gave birth and I am very grateful to be adopted. Birthmother was 16, so I'm very happy that I was raised and adopted by my family 2 middle-class working parents, 5 siblings (3 biological/2 adopted).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: [b] I’d say putting them in counselling / therapy from day one (even if it’s play therapy).

Every single one of the adopted people I know has attachment, mood, or substance abuse problems. That includes within my own extended family. Now, I’m not saying that attachment and substance abuse issues don’t occur with “everyone else”, but I find it interesting that every adoptee I know has an issue. And that’s including those, who by all accounts (including their own) have had a happy life with their adoptive family.

I’ll be honest.. so many thread on THIS board have convinced me that I would never adopt, nor adopt a child I had and couldn’t keep, for whatever reason.



Everyone you know, huh? All three of your adopted friends? What a completely erroneous thing to say. I am in my 60s. I am adopted, and I know many, many adopted children- my parents had many friends who also adopted (or that is why they were friends..) I am also a teacher...I am aware of many adoptive families- local adoptions, closed adoptions, interracial adoptions, overseas adoptions, adoptions of babies, adoptions of older kids, you name it.


[u]No, you are dead wrong. The children who ended up having issues might have been isolated without proper contact as a baby before adoption in an orphanage or foster care (think about the orphanages in Eastern Europe in the 80s after the collapse of the USSR, or born to known addicted mothers (and that isn't even always an outcome), and any other issues would appear to be attributed to what occurs in all families: trauma within the family- yes, the adopted family, not the bio family, trauma to the child of any kind, or kid who experimented as a teenager in substances- no different than kids who do that in biological families. There is no more incidence of issues- addiction, depression, acting out, whatever than any other kid, barring definable and overt etiology, which, BTW, biological kids all have as well. Some of you biological parents suffer with alcoholism, substance abuse, mental illness, genetic issues, too- just because you had your children biologically doesn't render your own sperm and eggs, or parenting style issue- free. You may also be a crappy parent as a biological parent and as an adoptive parent. No one has a handle on raising a perfect kid. Sorry. The many adopted people I know are happy, well-adjusted people. I also do not have depression, have ever been involved with drugs, have enjoyed a successful career, am happily married, and my own kids are well adjusted. Sorry to disappoint, PP. If you knew me, you wouldn't be able to write that all the adopted people you know have issues, correct?

CRITICAL THINKING, people. We just cannot generalize an idea based upon a limited context.

Agreed. These kinds of posts are offensive to me as an adoptee.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know any adoptee who doesn’t feel hurt by having been given up. That doesn’t mean their life was ruined or anything. But of course it’s a real issue.

Now you know one. I was left by my birthmother at the hospital after she gave birth and I am very grateful to be adopted. Birthmother was 16, so I'm very happy that I was raised and adopted by my family 2 middle-class working parents, 5 siblings (3 biological/2 adopted).

I was adopted and do not feel a sense of hurt at all. This is because I understand all the scenarios regarding adoption and there simply is nothing to take personally.
For all if you who make claims about " everyone you know " have a limited research pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

Then you should not adopt. Period. An adoptee’s bio family is her family. Her first mother IS her mother. She may have brothers and sisters. You would be her adoptive mom and if you do it right, you are her famiky, too, but you NEVER negate the existence of her first family. And just as we all have some family that we are closer to, some family we “click” with, and some family we don’t, an adopted child may choose to spend more time with her first family than yours someday. That is okay. If you are open and accepting of the reality of your child’s first family, all the better for all of you. But if you can only be happy raising an adopted child by erasing her first family, do NOT adopt. You are what anti-adoption blogs are made of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

Then you should not adopt. Period. An adoptee’s bio family is her family. Her first mother IS her mother. She may have brothers and sisters. You would be her adoptive mom and if you do it right, you are her famiky, too, but you NEVER negate the existence of her first family. And just as we all have some family that we are closer to, some family we “click” with, and some family we don’t, an adopted child may choose to spend more time with her first family than yours someday. That is okay. If you are open and accepting of the reality of your child’s first family, all the better for all of you. But if you can only be happy raising an adopted child by erasing her first family, do NOT adopt. You are what anti-adoption blogs are made of.

This. Frankly, if you are worried about how your child’s decisions affect your feelings, instead of focusing on the best interests of the child (whatever they may be), you are not ready to be a parent of any kind.

[Anonymous]

part of this is making sure adoptive parents don't make it all about them. We need to be open to honoring birth families, encouraging contact, letting our kids ask questions, be careful with messy. the more adoptive parents try to sugarcoat, the worse it can be.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and if you are adopting transracially, get your white privilege in check (for white adoptive parents adopting children of color). make sure your kids will have racial mirrors in their lives. Are you willing to stand up to your Fox news loving uncle who says black kids are thugs? can you find a barber to do your your black son's hair? these things matter.