Are most adoptees unhappy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a long thread on here last spring about how my sister found her adoptive birth parents on Ancestry.com and the parents didn't want to be found.

While the thread was useful to me, it's been hard seeing my sister on this journey. She's found so many birth relatives and it's been hard for my parents to watch. Bio fam has so many issues. She had no attachment issues with my parents and we were a very loving family. She wasn't a replacement kid as someone said upthread. She was wanted and given a really nice UMC life complete with a warm family and huge extended family. She looked just like us (which is sometimes a reason adoptees don't feel like they fit in).

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/index/posts/list/723579.page

But for the OP- I know that my parents are still so happy they adopted her. They would do it all again in an instant (I'm sure that thought hasn't crossed their minds). She did find her bio family and is spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with them this year, but it's not like she's left our family, it's more like she got married and now has inlaws. Don't let that fear stop you from adopting a child.

Interesting. My father is a pediatrician. My mother is an alcoholic. My uncle is a pastor. My cousin, who dropped out of grad school, is addicted to pain killers. Looks like many families are “unstable”, biological or not. It is not a good reason your adopted sister should not seek out her biological family. All families have issues.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t adopees be both happy and unhappy like everyone else depending on the day, people, situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t adopees be both happy and unhappy like everyone else depending on the day, people, situation.

I'm sure they are on a day to day basis. But unless you are adopted you can't know how they feel deep down about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My third is adopted. It was a calling that DH had VERY strongly and literally told me on our second date so I honored that. I can honestly say I love her as much as my bio kids. I can also honestly say I don't see any issues to come yet (she's 9) but I also know that time is fluid and all things change and can change in an instant. One theory I always agree with and truly believe in is "Adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem." DD knows her birth mom (Goes by Auntie Larla) and she knows she is her birth mom and it seems like a great relationship from DD's end. She gets extra presents on holidays and birthday, gets one more audience member at the dance recital, gets an extra valentine etc etc. I think its a very painful and troubling relationship for birth mom though. Its 9 years later and now she is done with college, married to a somewhat wealthy person, and has an adorable 2 year old. She would have NO ISSUES raising DD from this point on. None. She would be great. But life isn't that way. Adoption is forever. Now she's my baby and that pain is real. That pain is raw. I don't know what I can do about it but I do acknowledge it.

wait, are you saying you had an open adoption and now the birth mother would probably (at least you suspect) like to take the kid back and has the resources to do so?

That is a very complicated situation for all concerned I would think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My third is adopted. It was a calling that DH had VERY strongly and literally told me on our second date so I honored that. I can honestly say I love her as much as my bio kids. I can also honestly say I don't see any issues to come yet (she's 9) but I also know that time is fluid and all things change and can change in an instant. One theory I always agree with and truly believe in is "Adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem." DD knows her birth mom (Goes by Auntie Larla) and she knows she is her birth mom and it seems like a great relationship from DD's end. She gets extra presents on holidays and birthday, gets one more audience member at the dance recital, gets an extra valentine etc etc. I think its a very painful and troubling relationship for birth mom though. Its 9 years later and now she is done with college, married to a somewhat wealthy person, and has an adorable 2 year old. She would have NO ISSUES raising DD from this point on. None. She would be great. But life isn't that way. Adoption is forever. Now she's my baby and that pain is real. That pain is raw. I don't know what I can do about it but I do acknowledge it.

wait, are you saying you had an open adoption and now the birth mother would probably (at least you suspect) like to take the kid back and has the resources to do so?

That is a very complicated situation for all concerned I would think.

I don’t think that’s possible because the daughter now has children of her own! Read the entire post moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My third is adopted. It was a calling that DH had VERY strongly and literally told me on our second date so I honored that. I can honestly say I love her as much as my bio kids. I can also honestly say I don't see any issues to come yet (she's 9) but I also know that time is fluid and all things change and can change in an instant. One theory I always agree with and truly believe in is "Adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem." DD knows her birth mom (Goes by Auntie Larla) and she knows she is her birth mom and it seems like a great relationship from DD's end. She gets extra presents on holidays and birthday, gets one more audience member at the dance recital, gets an extra valentine etc etc. I think its a very painful and troubling relationship for birth mom though. Its 9 years later and now she is done with college, married to a somewhat wealthy person, and has an adorable 2 year old. She would have NO ISSUES raising DD from this point on. None. She would be great. But life isn't that way. Adoption is forever. Now she's my baby and that pain is real. That pain is raw. I don't know what I can do about it but I do acknowledge it.

wait, are you saying you had an open adoption and now the birth mother would probably (at least you suspect) like to take the kid back and has the resources to do so?

That is a very complicated situation for all concerned I would think.

I don’t think that’s possible because the daughter now has children of her own! Read the entire post moron.

Np here, PP no I think you need to read. Because the DD who was adopted is 9 now, so how can she have her own kids? Why so angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My third is adopted. It was a calling that DH had VERY strongly and literally told me on our second date so I honored that. I can honestly say I love her as much as my bio kids. I can also honestly say I don't see any issues to come yet (she's 9) but I also know that time is fluid and all things change and can change in an instant. One theory I always agree with and truly believe in is "Adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem." DD knows her birth mom (Goes by Auntie Larla) and she knows she is her birth mom and it seems like a great relationship from DD's end. She gets extra presents on holidays and birthday, gets one more audience member at the dance recital, gets an extra valentine etc etc. I think its a very painful and troubling relationship for birth mom though. Its 9 years later and now she is done with college, married to a somewhat wealthy person, and has an adorable 2 year old. She would have NO ISSUES raising DD from this point on. None. She would be great. But life isn't that way. Adoption is forever. Now she's my baby and that pain is real. That pain is raw. I don't know what I can do about it but I do acknowledge it.

wait, are you saying you had an open adoption and now the birth mother would probably (at least you suspect) like to take the kid back and has the resources to do so?

That is a very complicated situation for all concerned I would think.

I don’t think that’s possible because the daughter now has children of her own! Read the entire post moron.

Np here, PP no I think you need to read. Because the DD who was adopted is 9 now, so how can she have her own kids? Why so angry?

DP. I laughed at this. I mean, if you're going to be an ass while correcting someone's reading comprehension, you have to at least be correct!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently, my take was offensive, but I know many adoptees. I know not ALL adoptees are unhappy, but there is a lot of research backing the fact that there are more mental health struggles (thus why I suggested counselling)

I know this will make the happy adoptees unhappy, but:

Nonetheless, being adopted approximately doubled the odds of having contact with a mental health professional (OR=2.05, CI=1.48, 2.84) and of having a disruptive behavior disorder

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4475346/


Research has found that adopted children are at risk for suffering from mental health disorders. Twelve to 14 percent of adopted children in the United States between the ages of 8 and 18 are diagnosed with a mental health disorder each year, and adopted children are almost twice as likely as children brought up with their biological parents to suffer from mood disorders like anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues.

https://www.claudiablackcenter.com/adopted-children-often-face-mental-health-struggles-as-young-adults/


https://www.sovhealth.com/mental-health/adopted-children-likely-develop-mental-health-disorders-study-shows/

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/c549/3da7099f392ff97a6a3602b0f34849586e63.pdf

This. I knew a woman who put her baby up for adoption as a teen. Mental health issues were throughout her family. She said “... what kind of people do you think put think put their baby up for adoption?”

[Anonymous]

Super old thread but I am an adoptee and I am definitely not unhappy. I will add though that I have always thought this way but now that I have bio kids of my own I would never do a combination of both bio and adopted kids. My house was just me and my sister (twins and adopted together), no bio kids. The families that had the most mixed up baggage were the ones who had a combo of bio and adopted kids. A lot of potential psychological problems down the road IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Super old thread but I am an adoptee and I am definitely not unhappy. I will add though that I have always thought this way but now that I have bio kids of my own I would never do a combination of both bio and adopted kids. My house was just me and my sister (twins and adopted together), no bio kids. The families that had the most mixed up baggage were the ones who had a combo of bio and adopted kids. A lot of potential psychological problems down the road IMO.

I'm an adult adoptee in a family that had biological children. My older brother is biological and my parents' next child died in birth and they were told they couldn't have more children. I never felt like I was treated differently or anything--except in the ways that reflected our individual differences--and we're close in adulthood. It hasn't been a major issue for me--though in adolescence I had some identity issues around being adopted (though not all that worse than my DH who wasn't adopted or my own teen kid now). So, like many things, I think it varies case by case--I don't know if the research suggests any differences--I haven't looked at it.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say loving your birth family doesn’t mean you love your adoptive family any less — and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

I used to date a guy that felt that he was "unwanted" b/c his mom gave him up. She was really young and had no choice but he saw it as she didn't want him. He looked for her as an adult. Not sure if he ever found her or rest of bio family but it did bother him. I think though if people understood the situations that their bio parents were facing when they decided to give them up, they might understand better.

[Anonymous]

Happy adoptee here. I was adopted at birth. I am now 47 and I have always known. I found my birth mother and we have met and occasionally email. I have always felt loved, so loved that the fact that my bio mom didn’t want me didn’t matter. My mom’s love was just too damn real and strong. Still is. Everyone says I should have feelings of abandonment, but I don’t. Hard to feel abandoned when I really feel that I was really a gift.

That is what adoption really is, a gift to someone who wants you even more.

[Anonymous]

I am a happy adoptee - now. That said, I have gone through some hard times. My parents are unwilling to deal with the topic of race and racism and as the only minority in my family this was isolating and reallly invalidating to my identity. My issues are not from abandonment but mostly from this. I am also planning on adopting next year, so obviously if I thought adoption was overall a negative I wouldn’t be doing it.