Are most adoptees unhappy?

[Anonymous]

OP---I am an adoptive parent and there is no one-size fits all answer to your question---it all really depends on the individual kid.
I have several friends who are adoptees and happy, well-adjusted people who never had an interest in finding their birth families.
While open adoption is the current norm and thought to be better for the child, I have my doubts about that---I think it has the potential to set up a situation of divided loyalties from the start---especially if "open" becomes "occasional visiting fun birth mom bearing gifts" while adoptive mom is doing the actual heavy lifting of parenting.
We adopted internationally precisely for that reason. Legally, ours is a "closed" adoption; however, I have maintained some contacts with the extended bio-family---though I could easily have limited or stopped such contact had I felt the effect to be deleterious on our child. I have felt that the fact that I have always left the door open has actually resulted in my DC being much less curious---DC knows the contact could be there if DC so chose.
All kids go through moments of wishing their parents were something other than what they are. Adoptees though, have the reality that they do have this other set of parents out there---so I think there is often a feeling of the "road not taken" ---that's probably why adoptees who struggle do so most during the teenage years of identity exploration and forming.
I think that each adopted child's processing of the adoption is highly individual. Some kids struggle greatly with feeling like they somehow weren't good enough. Our DC had been removed from teenage birth mom due to neglect; I try to explain that sometimes, no matter how much someone may want to parent or love their child---they simply don't have the life skills, education, resources or family support to be a stable parent. The biggest thing is letting your adopted DC feel what they feel---and acknowledging that they can in fact have many feelings (anger, wistfulness, curiosity, sadness) all at one time and all of that is perfectly normal. There's a writer named Sherrie Elldridge who has written several books--"Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adopted Parents Knew" and "Twenty Things Adoptive Parents Need to Learn to Succeed" that are good reads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

I hate to say it, but you don’t seem like a good candidate for adoption. Most adopted kids will want to find their birth family. If you’re feeling this much angst about a hypothetical child, I can only imagine how would you act with a child you knew and loved. Bad idea. You’d be setting everyone up to fail.

+1. Try donor eggs.

Donor eggs are even worse.

[Anonymous]

Adult adoptee. I don't think I'm any more unhappy than anyone else, and I don't think that any issues I have stem from being adopted. I was a miserable teen, but lots of adolescents have a rough time. I had loving parents and a safe and stable home. Honestly, I think that I was pretty lucky--I have friends who have terrible relationships with their biological parents. I never felt like I had been abandoned by my birth mother--in fact, I felt very special because my parents had "chosen" me. My parents often spoke as if they forgot that I was adopted. I've sometimes been curious about my birth family, but never enough to go through the hoops to find anything out (closed adoption).

[Anonymous]

My dad was adopted. To him, his adoptive parents were his parents, full stop. They also adopted a girl (not my dad's bio sister).

He was never interested in finding out much about his birth family -- maybe out of pain, but I think mostly out of a sense of loyalty. A couple of years ago, my mom convinced him to do the Ancestry testing and he was able to determine who his birth mother was, but not his birth father (although it is one of 3 brothers for sure--long story).

A nephew of my bio grandmother connected with mom and she got a lot of info, but my dad wasn't interested in connecting.

My dad was a pretty private, reserved guy, but he wasn't abusive, never had substance abuse issues, and lived a pretty normal life/

A friend my age found her bio family a few years ago. They want on to have two more children after her (it was actually one of them who got in touch with her first). I'm sure that was difficult to learn, but she too is still very loyal to the parents her raised her. She does keep in touch with her bio family and visits them from time to time. She's married with two kids, no obvious troubles in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know any adoptee who doesn’t feel hurt by having been given up. That doesn’t mean their life was ruined or anything. But of course it’s a real issue.

I don't feel hurt about being "given up". I feel thankful that my birth parents made the brave choice to realize I needed more than they could provide and chose an amazing family for me. Js.

[Anonymous]

I was adopted at birth. My parents set up my adoption with my birth parents before I was adopted and were actually at the hospital when I was born.
My parents are my parents. No if, ands, or buts. My birth parents gave me an amazing gift by choosing adoption, but they're not my Mom and Dad. But that's just my feelings.

What I always say when I share my story is that this is MY experience and that every adoptee has a different one. Someone could have the same exact circumstances as me but feel completely different about them. And that's fine. Life is complicated.

Long story short: I don't resent being adopted. My DH and I plan to adopt in addition to attempting to have kids naturally. My sister (my parents biological child) also plans on adopting. That probably means the most to me because it shows how much she values me being part of our family.

[Anonymous]

I'm reading this thread with a lot of interest. My husband and I adopted an amazing baby boy last year. We tried to become parents through various means and none of it worked. We went through an adoption agency and our birthmother chose us to be her son's parents. We have an open adoption and we know quite a bit about her. I keep in one sided contact with her. That is I have a secret FB page where I post pictures or videos for her and she comments but I don't reply. I also send letters with pictures a couple of times a year. Without getting into her story, my son has 3 half siblings. Our BM has custody of her 3 kids.

Right now my son is too young to understand that he is adopted but I don't plan on making it a secret; however, I do struggle with the right approach to discussions. I wonder how he will feel about knowing that we keep in contact with her and that he has siblings. We are open to having our son meet her and his siblings sometime in the future.

[Anonymous]

My dad was adopted. To him, his adoptive parents were his parents, full stop. They also adopted a girl (not my dad's bio sister).

He was never interested in finding out much about his birth family -- maybe out of pain, but I think mostly out of a sense of loyalty. A couple of years ago, my mom convinced him to do the Ancestry testing and he was able to determine who his birth mother was, but not his birth father (although it is one of 3 brothers for sure--long story).

A nephew of my bio grandmother connected with mom and she got a lot of info, but my dad wasn't interested in connecting.

My dad was a pretty private, reserved guy, but he wasn't abusive, never had substance abuse issues, and lived a pretty normal life/

A friend my age found her bio family a few years ago. They want on to have two more children after her (it was actually one of them who got in touch with her first). I'm sure that was difficult to learn, but she too is still very loyal to the parents her raised her. She does keep in touch with her bio family and visits them from time to time. She's married with two kids, no obvious troubles in her life.

Yes, this is the way 99.9 percent of adopted people feel. Only a handful of adopted people feel otherwise. Don't listen to these, or the Lifetime movie plots that would lead you to believe that all adopted people feel incomplete unless they find their DNA relatives.

[Anonymous]

Two of my best friends were adopted and both are extremely grateful to and close to their adoptive parents. One is singlehandedly caring for his adoptive mom through a terminal illness. Both are amazing adults.

One had an open adoption and is fine with but not close to his birth family and one was an orphan.

If it matters, both had parents who invested heavily in making sure their mental health needs were met, meaning they consulted with a lot of experts about how to talk with their kids about adoption, etc.

[Anonymous]

We have an open adoption and I will say open adoption only works with reasonable rational people and the adults on both ends making the effort, especially with young kids. We consider our child's birth mom's family our family and they consider us their family/grandparents consider us their kids. We talk to them every week and I send pictures, videos, etc. anywhere from every day to every week. We Skype weekly at a set time. They visit and stay in our home with us for weeks at a time. Birthfather/his family are a nightmare and I hope never to see them again (they stopped contacting us thank goodness).

If is far easier to know than not know. We don't ever have to worry about them trying to take our child or sabatoging us as parents. Our child is very secure in knowing the family history and how supportive they are and how much they love all of us. Its a great situation for us, and for them. But, we also tell them everything - good and bad and don't keep any secrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My dad was adopted. To him, his adoptive parents were his parents, full stop. They also adopted a girl (not my dad's bio sister).

He was never interested in finding out much about his birth family -- maybe out of pain, but I think mostly out of a sense of loyalty. A couple of years ago, my mom convinced him to do the Ancestry testing and he was able to determine who his birth mother was, but not his birth father (although it is one of 3 brothers for sure--long story).

A nephew of my bio grandmother connected with mom and she got a lot of info, but my dad wasn't interested in connecting.

My dad was a pretty private, reserved guy, but he wasn't abusive, never had substance abuse issues, and lived a pretty normal life/

A friend my age found her bio family a few years ago. They want on to have two more children after her (it was actually one of them who got in touch with her first). I'm sure that was difficult to learn, but she too is still very loyal to the parents her raised her. She does keep in touch with her bio family and visits them from time to time. She's married with two kids, no obvious troubles in her life.

Yes, this is the way 99.9 percent of adopted people feel. Only a handful of adopted people feel otherwise. Don't listen to these, or the Lifetime movie plots that would lead you to believe that all adopted people feel incomplete unless they find their DNA relatives.

Most people who are adopted who are happy are not going online talking about it. You only hear from the unhappy ones so it is heavily skewed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My dad was adopted. To him, his adoptive parents were his parents, full stop. They also adopted a girl (not my dad's bio sister).

He was never interested in finding out much about his birth family -- maybe out of pain, but I think mostly out of a sense of loyalty. A couple of years ago, my mom convinced him to do the Ancestry testing and he was able to determine who his birth mother was, but not his birth father (although it is one of 3 brothers for sure--long story).

A nephew of my bio grandmother connected with mom and she got a lot of info, but my dad wasn't interested in connecting.

My dad was a pretty private, reserved guy, but he wasn't abusive, never had substance abuse issues, and lived a pretty normal life/

A friend my age found her bio family a few years ago. They want on to have two more children after her (it was actually one of them who got in touch with her first). I'm sure that was difficult to learn, but she too is still very loyal to the parents her raised her. She does keep in touch with her bio family and visits them from time to time. She's married with two kids, no obvious troubles in her life.

Yes, this is the way 99.9 percent of adopted people feel. Only a handful of adopted people feel otherwise. Don't listen to these, or the Lifetime movie plots that would lead you to believe that all adopted people feel incomplete unless they find their DNA relatives.

PP here. FWIW, my dad (RIP) was born in '42 in one of those unwed-mother hospitals. He and his parents didn't exactly have a lot of resources to deal with all the conflicting emotions that come with adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My dad was adopted. To him, his adoptive parents were his parents, full stop. They also adopted a girl (not my dad's bio sister).

He was never interested in finding out much about his birth family -- maybe out of pain, but I think mostly out of a sense of loyalty. A couple of years ago, my mom convinced him to do the Ancestry testing and he was able to determine who his birth mother was, but not his birth father (although it is one of 3 brothers for sure--long story).

A nephew of my bio grandmother connected with mom and she got a lot of info, but my dad wasn't interested in connecting.

My dad was a pretty private, reserved guy, but he wasn't abusive, never had substance abuse issues, and lived a pretty normal life/

A friend my age found her bio family a few years ago. They want on to have two more children after her (it was actually one of them who got in touch with her first). I'm sure that was difficult to learn, but she too is still very loyal to the parents her raised her. She does keep in touch with her bio family and visits them from time to time. She's married with two kids, no obvious troubles in her life.

Yes, this is the way 99.9 percent of adopted people feel. Only a handful of adopted people feel otherwise. Don't listen to these, or the Lifetime movie plots that would lead you to believe that all adopted people feel incomplete unless they find their DNA relatives.

Most people who are adopted who are happy are not going online talking about it. You only hear from the unhappy ones so it is heavily skewed.

+1. I'm the PP with two happily adopted close friends and neither one would ever go on an adoption board because to them their adoptive parents are their parents and there isn't any need to soul-search over it. They have mom and dad, just like everyone else and don't even think of themselves as adopted...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know any adoptee who doesn’t feel hurt by having been given up. That doesn’t mean their life was ruined or anything. But of course it’s a real issue.

I don't feel hurt about being "given up". I feel thankful that my birth parents made the brave choice to realize I needed more than they could provide and chose an amazing family for me. Js.

Another adoptee who never felt hurt about being "given up." I felt special because I was picked by my parents. They didn't have to have me, they wanted to have me.

[Anonymous]

Another adult adoptee here that never felt abandoned or a sense of anger about it. My parents are my parents. Never had an interest to search to find “parents”. I only asked my parents once about the circumstances of my birth. The story seemed made up to fit my mom’s ideals. From day one my mom I think felt worried about having someone come take me away, which was silly.

Fast forward many years and I went in the have 3 children. When the oldest was about 4 and his personality and certain unique talents were so similar to my own I became intrigued to find out who the “players” in my story were. Did t actually take the DNA test until last year. Within 24 hrs I had essentially identified the bio parents (who were both deceased) and uncovered that the story my parents told me was very much true desire how crazy it sounded. Turned out that what I can my reality and my alternative possible reality were nearly identical. I grew up a wealthy suburb of NY. Birth parents were coworkers in Manhattan. He was older and married with children ranging from 18-25. His mother lived just under a mile from the house I grew up in.

Within 2 weeks of getting the results and finding out the whole story, birth brother 2 years younger shows up on my results. He was also adopted into a VERY different situation. He’s very well adjusted. He is very successful despite his upbringing in poverty with drug addicted adoptive father who died when he was 13. Great example of NATURE triumphing over nurture. He are very close and very similar despite different upbringing.

Totally say all this to highlight that every situation is unique. I have a friend who was also adopted. She found out last year that her birth parents were living in rural Greece with 5 full older bio siblings. She is not angry, she is actually very thankful for all her opportunities.