Are most adoptees unhappy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a long thread on here last spring about how my sister found her adoptive birth parents on Ancestry.com and the parents didn't want to be found.

While the thread was useful to me, it's been hard seeing my sister on this journey. She's found so many birth relatives and it's been hard for my parents to watch. Bio fam has so many issues. She had no attachment issues with my parents and we were a very loving family. She wasn't a replacement kid as someone said upthread. She was wanted and given a really nice UMC life complete with a warm family and huge extended family. She looked just like us (which is sometimes a reason adoptees don't feel like they fit in).

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/index/posts/list/723579.page

But for the OP- I know that my parents are still so happy they adopted her. They would do it all again in an instant (I'm sure that thought hasn't crossed their minds). She did find her bio family and is spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with them this year, but it's not like she's left our family, it's more like she got married and now has inlaws. Don't let that fear stop you from adopting a child.

This attitude is your fatal flaw. That was hard to read.

[Anonymous]

OP, in which online groups are you reading anti-adoption sentiment? I’m an adoptive parent, so I can’t speak for the experiences of adoptees. I would say adopting trans racially, as I did, requires a lot of homework about how people will view and treat your child, which is important to know about so you can be prepared for the racism that will be directed at him or her. I worry about the adopted children of parents who do not fiercely protect their children. And adopting a newborn is completely different from adopting an older child. It’s in the latter case that there are other problems you need to be aware of going in. For myself, adoption was the best thing I ever did, and my child seems happy to me! But of course, like all parents, my reasons for adopting a child were selfish: I wanted him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

I hate to say it, but you don’t seem like a good candidate for adoption. Most adopted kids will want to find their birth family. If you’re feeling this much angst about a hypothetical child, I can only imagine how would you act with a child you knew and loved. Bad idea. You’d be setting everyone up to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

I hate to say it, but you don’t seem like a good candidate for adoption. Most adopted kids will want to find their birth family. If you’re feeling this much angst about a hypothetical child, I can only imagine how would you act with a child you knew and loved. Bad idea. You’d be setting everyone up to fail.

I think you’re being a bit harsh towards her (understatement). PP, your baby will leave you for adulthood and the world, but even if they contact their birth parents they can never leave you for them. You are their mother, that doesn’t change.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 40s and I have quite a few friends who are adopted. They are all very happy people.

[Anonymous]

I'm an adult adoptee. I had a good childhood and am reasonably well adjusted. I reconnected with my birth family in my 30s and they are a big part of my life now too--just a wonderful bonus. My birth mother was a teenager and would have done anything to keep me but did not have means or support. She went on to become an great mom to my younger bio sibs but carried with her tremendous pain until this day. It has complicated my feelings about adoption. One line I read that I thought was very apt for many birth mothers, adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Maybe young mothers aren't "forced" into adoption today, but great care should be taken not to participate in an adoption where but for money, the parent would keep and raise their baby. Its kind of messed up.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there's one right answer here. My mother has a close friend that adopted two children that are both adults now. The adoptive parents are just incredibly nice, good, stable people. Very religious, but not in a 'you're going to hell for everything" way.

The boy grew up to be successful, went to college, happily married, etc. I'm not sure if he ever sought out his bio family.

The girl, who was probably not as naturally academically gifted as the boy/had a harder time in school, which affected her socially, and she has had a rough time of it. She has four kids by four different fathers by her late '20's. Her parents were distraught, but stood by her and helped with the grandkids. The daughter could never really let go of the fact that her mother gave her up. I can't remember if she found her bio family either.

Point is, you had two kids in the same home with arguably very supportive parents and the outcomes were different. I think you could find the same in biological families.

I think some of the anti-adoption sentiment is economically based. I would make VERY certain that the child you are adopting is a child that truly needs a home. You don't have to look far to find instances of int'l adoption where the bio parents were misled and an agency collected a nice fee.

[Anonymous]

Ive spent hours and hours, months and months, years and years researching this topic. But you know what? Adoption is the ONLY way I can mother. I had 7 rounds of IVFs only to have one 15 weeks miscarriage and one 29 weeks stillbirth. This is literally my only avenue left and damnit Im going to take it and pray for the best. Im going to be informed and try my hardest. Im going to listen and acknowledge their struggles but Im going to do it and Im not going to feel like Im humane trafficking an innocent baby. Im a good person who wants to be a mom and Im doing my best. And I will love my children as hard as you love yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a long thread on here last spring about how my sister found her adoptive birth parents on Ancestry.com and the parents didn't want to be found.

While the thread was useful to me, it's been hard seeing my sister on this journey. She's found so many birth relatives and it's been hard for my parents to watch. Bio fam has so many issues. She had no attachment issues with my parents and we were a very loving family. She wasn't a replacement kid as someone said upthread. She was wanted and given a really nice UMC life complete with a warm family and huge extended family. She looked just like us (which is sometimes a reason adoptees don't feel like they fit in).

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/index/posts/list/723579.page

But for the OP- I know that my parents are still so happy they adopted her. They would do it all again in an instant (I'm sure that thought hasn't crossed their minds). She did find her bio family and is spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with them this year, but it's not like she's left our family, it's more like she got married and now has inlaws. Don't let that fear stop you from adopting a child.

This attitude is your fatal flaw. That was hard to read.

PP here. I didn't mean that in a nasty way. I was responding to a pp who stated:

"I don't think its any more than any other person who didn't have a good childhood or fit in. One problem I see is that kids are often adopted as replacement kids for biological children they couldn't have and they are always generally second best. Parents/kids have very different personalities and interests and if the parents don't take the time to foster their interests and make it a priority, then kids don't feel like they belong. (but this easily happens in other families as well). It also depends on how adoption is presented, if the person has mental health issues, which can be biological, how good of a family fit, why they were placed, what opportunities and upbringing they had, etc. "

She did have a good childhood and was treated identical to me (like most adopted kids!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ive spent hours and hours, months and months, years and years researching this topic. But you know what? Adoption is the ONLY way I can mother. I had 7 rounds of IVFs only to have one 15 weeks miscarriage and one 29 weeks stillbirth. This is literally my only avenue left and damnit Im going to take it and pray for the best. Im going to be informed and try my hardest. Im going to listen and acknowledge their struggles but Im going to do it and Im not going to feel like Im humane trafficking an innocent baby. Im a good person who wants to be a mom and Im doing my best. And I will love my children as hard as you love yours.

Do it! And love them hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

I hate to say it, but you don’t seem like a good candidate for adoption. Most adopted kids will want to find their birth family. If you’re feeling this much angst about a hypothetical child, I can only imagine how would you act with a child you knew and loved. Bad idea. You’d be setting everyone up to fail.

I think you’re being a bit harsh towards her (understatement). PP, your baby will leave you for adulthood and the world, but even if they contact their birth parents they can never leave you for them. You are their mother, that doesn’t change.[/quote]


Don't be obtuse. Obviously a child could become closer to their birth family and choose to spend more time with them than their adoptive family. This is a legitimate fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

I hate to say it, but you don’t seem like a good candidate for adoption. Most adopted kids will want to find their birth family. If you’re feeling this much angst about a hypothetical child, I can only imagine how would you act with a child you knew and loved. Bad idea. You’d be setting everyone up to fail.

I think you’re being a bit harsh towards her (understatement). PP, your baby will leave you for adulthood and the world, but even if they contact their birth parents they can never leave you for them. You are their mother, that doesn’t change.

This is simply untrue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ive spent hours and hours, months and months, years and years researching this topic. But you know what? Adoption is the ONLY way I can mother. I had 7 rounds of IVFs only to have one 15 weeks miscarriage and one 29 weeks stillbirth. This is literally my only avenue left and damnit Im going to take it and pray for the best. Im going to be informed and try my hardest. Im going to listen and acknowledge their struggles but Im going to do it and Im not going to feel like Im humane trafficking an innocent baby. Im a good person who wants to be a mom and Im doing my best. And I will love my children as hard as you love yours.

You sound well informed, and so very well intentioned. I wish you all the love and luck in the world.

[Anonymous]

My DH is adopted and has a terrible relationship with his mother. He really does not like her at all. Her parenting style was heavily influenced by knowing that she was lucky to get this one heathy child and it was her only shot to be a parent and everything (and him) had to be absolutely perfect. He must not get his clothes dirty, he must be protected from all risks, and worst, he must be thankful for his food, clothes and education because he could have grown up poor instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ive spent hours and hours, months and months, years and years researching this topic. But you know what? Adoption is the ONLY way I can mother. I had 7 rounds of IVFs only to have one 15 weeks miscarriage and one 29 weeks stillbirth. This is literally my only avenue left and damnit Im going to take it and pray for the best. Im going to be informed and try my hardest. Im going to listen and acknowledge their struggles but Im going to do it and Im not going to feel like Im humane trafficking an innocent baby. Im a good person who wants to be a mom and Im doing my best. And I will love my children as hard as you love yours.

Im happy for you, PP! Your future sons and/or daughters will be lucky to have you!