Are most adoptees unhappy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

Then you should not adopt. Period. An adoptee’s bio family is her family. Her first mother IS her mother. She may have brothers and sisters. You would be her adoptive mom and if you do it right, you are her famiky, too, but you NEVER negate the existence of her first family. And just as we all have some family that we are closer to, some family we “click” with, and some family we don’t, an adopted child may choose to spend more time with her first family than yours someday. That is okay. If you are open and accepting of the reality of your child’s first family, all the better for all of you. But if you can only be happy raising an adopted child by erasing her first family, do NOT adopt. You are what anti-adoption blogs are made of.

Adoptee here, and you need to stop generalizing. My biological mother is NOT my mother. My biological family is NOT my family, first or otherwise. My mother is the woman who raised me. My family are the people who loved me. Period.

Other adoptees may feel differently, which is fine--we all have different experiences. It just drives me nuts when people generalize.

Whoa, way to erase the woman who gestated you for 9 months. I get it, you love your mom. She raised you well but apparently not with empathy, because you did indeed have a first mother who very likely loved you as well.

Whoa, you need to stop speaking for adoptees. Stop erasing their voices. Just stop.

Okay, hear you loud and clear. Adoptee's feelings matter, birthmom's don't.

They are two different issues. And, every birthmom is different too. I'm sorry you are having a tuff time and/or the adoptive parents for your child sucked, but that is not the case for everyone. Birthparent and adoptee are two separate people and can feel very differently about adoption. You made a choice to place your child.

+1

My birth mother can feel however she wants. Her feelings, however, cannot change mine--she is not my mom. I feel gratitude towards her for making the choice to try to give me a better life. I feel sympathy for the difficulty of giving up a child. But the one thing I don't feel for her is the love of a child for a parent. And I don't feel guilty about that. I was given up at birth and placed within weeks of being born. My first family was the family who brought me into their home and raised me and loved me. That's not "erasing" my birth mother (whatever that means), that's not saying her feelings don't matter (to whom? to what effect?), it's saying that's *my* experience of being adopted.

[Anonymous]

My third is adopted. It was a calling that DH had VERY strongly and literally told me on our second date so I honored that. I can honestly say I love her as much as my bio kids. I can also honestly say I don't see any issues to come yet (she's 9) but I also know that time is fluid and all things change and can change in an instant. One theory I always agree with and truly believe in is "Adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem." DD knows her birth mom (Goes by Auntie Larla) and she knows she is her birth mom and it seems like a great relationship from DD's end. She gets extra presents on holidays and birthday, gets one more audience member at the dance recital, gets an extra valentine etc etc. I think its a very painful and troubling relationship for birth mom though. Its 9 years later and now she is done with college, married to a somewhat wealthy person, and has an adorable 2 year old. She would have NO ISSUES raising DD from this point on. None. She would be great. But life isn't that way. Adoption is forever. Now she's my baby and that pain is real. That pain is raw. I don't know what I can do about it but I do acknowledge it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another adoptee here. My family is the one that raised me, that wiped my tears away and cheered me on in my pursuits. I too was the product of a teenager who gave me up for adoption. Yes, she gave me life, and I am grateful that she gave me up. I have met her and it only made me more appreciative of the family that raised me. My life would have been starkly different.

I am a happy adoptee and a grateful one.

As a parent who has adopted, I'm willing to bet that your parents would say they're the lucky ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ive spent hours and hours, months and months, years and years researching this topic. But you know what? Adoption is the ONLY way I can mother. I had 7 rounds of IVFs only to have one 15 weeks miscarriage and one 29 weeks stillbirth. This is literally my only avenue left and damnit Im going to take it and pray for the best. Im going to be informed and try my hardest. Im going to listen and acknowledge their struggles but Im going to do it and Im not going to feel like Im humane trafficking an innocent baby. Im a good person who wants to be a mom and Im doing my best. And I will love my children as hard as you love yours.

Im happy for you, PP! Your future sons and/or daughters will be lucky to have you!

Blech. This sentiment is exactly why so many people are anti adoption

You saying that the adoptees are "lucky to have her" as their adoptive mother implies that the rest of their story is lucky, the fact that their first/biological/birth mother had to or chose to not raise them is lucky too, that their other circumstances were lucky, that they are lucky to have to go their entire lives wondering why their parents did not want them, wondering who they are, wondering where they are from, wondering their family's origins. No, that's not lucky. It's soul crushing. Adoptees have a really hard identity crisis to survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ive spent hours and hours, months and months, years and years researching this topic. But you know what? Adoption is the ONLY way I can mother. I had 7 rounds of IVFs only to have one 15 weeks miscarriage and one 29 weeks stillbirth. This is literally my only avenue left and damnit Im going to take it and pray for the best. Im going to be informed and try my hardest. Im going to listen and acknowledge their struggles but Im going to do it and Im not going to feel like Im humane trafficking an innocent baby. Im a good person who wants to be a mom and Im doing my best. And I will love my children as hard as you love yours.

Im happy for you, PP! Your future sons and/or daughters will be lucky to have you!

Blech. This sentiment is exactly why so many people are anti adoption

You saying that the adoptees are "lucky to have her" as their adoptive mother implies that the rest of their story is lucky, the fact that their first/biological/birth mother had to or chose to not raise them is lucky too, that their other circumstances were lucky, that they are lucky to have to go their entire lives wondering why their parents did not want them, wondering who they are, wondering where they are from, wondering their family's origins. No, that's not lucky. It's soul crushing. Adoptees have a really hard identity crisis to survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ive spent hours and hours, months and months, years and years researching this topic. But you know what? Adoption is the ONLY way I can mother. I had 7 rounds of IVFs only to have one 15 weeks miscarriage and one 29 weeks stillbirth. This is literally my only avenue left and damnit Im going to take it and pray for the best. Im going to be informed and try my hardest. Im going to listen and acknowledge their struggles but Im going to do it and Im not going to feel like Im humane trafficking an innocent baby. Im a good person who wants to be a mom and Im doing my best. And I will love my children as hard as you love yours.

Im happy for you, PP! Your future sons and/or daughters will be lucky to have you!

Blech. This sentiment is exactly why so many people are anti adoption

You saying that the adoptees are "lucky to have her" as their adoptive mother implies that the rest of their story is lucky, the fact that their first/biological/birth mother had to or chose to not raise them is lucky too, that their other circumstances were lucky, that they are lucky to have to go their entire lives wondering why their parents did not want them, wondering who they are, wondering where they are from, wondering their family's origins. No, that's not lucky. It's soul crushing. Adoptees have a really hard identity crisis to survive.

+1902384902834928402

[Anonymous]

Interested on replies to the last 2/3 comments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ive spent hours and hours, months and months, years and years researching this topic. But you know what? Adoption is the ONLY way I can mother. I had 7 rounds of IVFs only to have one 15 weeks miscarriage and one 29 weeks stillbirth. This is literally my only avenue left and damnit Im going to take it and pray for the best. Im going to be informed and try my hardest. Im going to listen and acknowledge their struggles but Im going to do it and Im not going to feel like Im humane trafficking an innocent baby. Im a good person who wants to be a mom and Im doing my best. And I will love my children as hard as you love yours.

Im happy for you, PP! Your future sons and/or daughters will be lucky to have you!

Blech. This sentiment is exactly why so many people are anti adoption

You saying that the adoptees are "lucky to have her" as their adoptive mother implies that the rest of their story is lucky, the fact that their first/biological/birth mother had to or chose to not raise them is lucky too, that their other circumstances were lucky, that they are lucky to have to go their entire lives wondering why their parents did not want them, wondering who they are, wondering where they are from, wondering their family's origins. No, that's not lucky. It's soul crushing. Adoptees have a really hard identity crisis to survive.

There are several replies on this thread saying exactly the opposite.

Some people will feel the way you describe, some won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My third is adopted. It was a calling that DH had VERY strongly and literally told me on our second date so I honored that. I can honestly say I love her as much as my bio kids. I can also honestly say I don't see any issues to come yet (she's 9) but I also know that time is fluid and all things change and can change in an instant. One theory I always agree with and truly believe in is "Adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem." DD knows her birth mom (Goes by Auntie Larla) and she knows she is her birth mom and it seems like a great relationship from DD's end. She gets extra presents on holidays and birthday, gets one more audience member at the dance recital, gets an extra valentine etc etc. I think its a very painful and troubling relationship for birth mom though. Its 9 years later and now she is done with college, married to a somewhat wealthy person, and has an adorable 2 year old. She would have NO ISSUES raising DD from this point on. None. She would be great. But life isn't that way. Adoption is forever. Now she's my baby and that pain is real. That pain is raw. I don't know what I can do about it but I do acknowledge it.

Adoptee here. I don't know if I agree with the adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem adage for all adoption. Certainly some situations, yes. But you could say that about anything in life, not just adoption. Life is about doing the best with what we have at the time.

My birth family was super poor (in a different underdeveloped country at the time). Upon finding them, I have learned that my older siblings were able to go to college and now my birth mom lives a stable and good life with their support. I believe that the fact that they did not have to support yet another mouth probably contributed to them being able to pull themselves up. In other words, my adoption helped not only me, but also them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ive spent hours and hours, months and months, years and years researching this topic. But you know what? Adoption is the ONLY way I can mother. I had 7 rounds of IVFs only to have one 15 weeks miscarriage and one 29 weeks stillbirth. This is literally my only avenue left and damnit Im going to take it and pray for the best. Im going to be informed and try my hardest. Im going to listen and acknowledge their struggles but Im going to do it and Im not going to feel like Im humane trafficking an innocent baby. Im a good person who wants to be a mom and Im doing my best. And I will love my children as hard as you love yours.

Im happy for you, PP! Your future sons and/or daughters will be lucky to have you!

Blech. This sentiment is exactly why so many people are anti adoption

You saying that the adoptees are "lucky to have her" as their adoptive mother implies that the rest of their story is lucky, the fact that their first/biological/birth mother had to or chose to not raise them is lucky too, that their other circumstances were lucky, that they are lucky to have to go their entire lives wondering why their parents did not want them, wondering who they are, wondering where they are from, wondering their family's origins. No, that's not lucky. It's soul crushing. Adoptees have a really hard identity crisis to survive.

There are several replies on this thread saying exactly the opposite.

Some people will feel the way you describe, some won't.

I know. It's not soul crushing for me and I don't have an identity crisis. Sorry I don't fit your narrative and I truly have empathy for adoptees who have different and negative experiences, but you seriously can't generalize this stuff. You just can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ive spent hours and hours, months and months, years and years researching this topic. But you know what? Adoption is the ONLY way I can mother. I had 7 rounds of IVFs only to have one 15 weeks miscarriage and one 29 weeks stillbirth. This is literally my only avenue left and damnit Im going to take it and pray for the best. Im going to be informed and try my hardest. Im going to listen and acknowledge their struggles but Im going to do it and Im not going to feel like Im humane trafficking an innocent baby. Im a good person who wants to be a mom and Im doing my best. And I will love my children as hard as you love yours.

Im happy for you, PP! Your future sons and/or daughters will be lucky to have you!

Blech. This sentiment is exactly why so many people are anti adoption

You saying that the adoptees are "lucky to have her" as their adoptive mother implies that the rest of their story is lucky, the fact that their first/biological/birth mother had to or chose to not raise them is lucky too, that their other circumstances were lucky, that they are lucky to have to go their entire lives wondering why their parents did not want them, wondering who they are, wondering where they are from, wondering their family's origins. No, that's not lucky. It's soul crushing. Adoptees have a really hard identity crisis to survive.

And then there are the children that had to be raised by birth parents that didn't want or weren't equipped to deal with raising a kid. Or the kids who parents did want them but then the family went through some trauma or tragedy that rocked everything and the parents neglected them. I imagine some of those kids would say that someone being adopted by a loving, stable home was lucky. Many, many people have their challenges to overcome - to say that a child being raised by loving parents, birth or otherwise, isn't an overall "lucky" vs's all the other possible outcomes is nuts. Yes there are added difficulties, but honestly in this world I think most of us are very very lucky if we are safe, loved, and cared for.

[Anonymous]

No, they are not all unhappy. My parents were both adopted by different families. My dad never discussed his adoption, considered his adoptive parents his family and had no desire to locate his bio family. My mom was incredibly close to her adoptive mother, however, she and I are not close at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, they are not all unhappy. My parents were both adopted by different families. My dad never discussed his adoption, considered his adoptive parents his family and had no desire to locate his bio family. My mom was incredibly close to her adoptive mother, however, she and I are not close at all.

Why aren’t you close? Is she close to your siblings? What about your dad, are you close?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

y


Please don’t adopt. You are too needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My younger sister is adopted. We love her and always treated her like my bio sister (she even looks like my family). She's always felt like she didn't belong though. My mom's dad ran out on her when she was a child (fled the state, I don't mean they just got divorced). My mom has always compared the abandonment she felt from her dad leaving to what my sister felt. She said there's always a sense that you weren't good enough to keep your parents.

I was always pro adoption before, but now as we're older and have our own families I don't feel the same way. My sister has started spending holidays and trips with her bio family that she found (she found them in her 20s) instead of our family.

How wonderful that she gets to do do this.