Are most adoptees unhappy?

[Anonymous]

We’ve recently started the process of adopting, and I’m discouraged by the anti-adoption sentiment I’ve been reading about in various online groups. There’s certainly a lot to be learned from the perspectives of adoptees who have had bad experiences, but does the average adoptee really feel so negatively? Or is it a case of the type of people who write about their adoption not being a representative sample of adoptees? If you are an adult adoptee, or close enough to one to know how they really feel, I’m interested to hear more. The very small number of adoptees I know firsthand seem as happy with their lives as anyone else, but they may not be a representative sample either.

Example of what I mean by anti-adoption sentiment- someone shared a photo captioned “adoption is love” and was told that was extremely offensive, that adoption rips a baby from its mother and is basically human trafficking.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know any adoptee who doesn’t feel hurt by having been given up. That doesn’t mean their life was ruined or anything. But of course it’s a real issue.

[Anonymous]

We’ve recently started the process of adopting, and I’m discouraged by the anti-adoption sentiment I’ve been reading about in various online groups. There’s certainly a lot to be learned from the perspectives of adoptees who have had bad experiences, but does the average adoptee really feel so negatively? Or is it a case of the type of people who write about their adoption not being a representative sample of adoptees? If you are an adult adoptee, or close enough to one to know how they really feel, I’m interested to hear more. The very small number of adoptees I know firsthand seem as happy with their lives as anyone else, but they may not be a representative sample either.

Example of what I mean by anti-adoption sentiment- someone shared a photo captioned “adoption is love” and was told that was extremely offensive, that adoption rips a baby from its mother and is basically human trafficking.

So, because one person expressed this very extreme view, you assume that all adoptees feel this way and are chronically unhappy? Remember that all adopted people are different, and how they came to join their families, at what age, whether they are the same race, etc., are all different. There is no guarantee that ANY child will grow up happy, or will fit in to their family, regardless of what their DNA is.
If you plan to adopt, stop reading these sites and focus on your own family. Yes, there are many well-adjusted, happy people out there who just so happen to be adopted.

[Anonymous]

My younger sister is adopted. We love her and always treated her like my bio sister (she even looks like my family). She's always felt like she didn't belong though. My mom's dad ran out on her when she was a child (fled the state, I don't mean they just got divorced). My mom has always compared the abandonment she felt from her dad leaving to what my sister felt. She said there's always a sense that you weren't good enough to keep your parents.

I was always pro adoption before, but now as we're older and have our own families I don't feel the same way. My sister has started spending holidays and trips with her bio family that she found (she found them in her 20s) instead of our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We’ve recently started the process of adopting, and I’m discouraged by the anti-adoption sentiment I’ve been reading about in various online groups. There’s certainly a lot to be learned from the perspectives of adoptees who have had bad experiences, but does the average adoptee really feel so negatively? Or is it a case of the type of people who write about their adoption not being a representative sample of adoptees? If you are an adult adoptee, or close enough to one to know how they really feel, I’m interested to hear more. The very small number of adoptees I know firsthand seem as happy with their lives as anyone else, but they may not be a representative sample either.

Example of what I mean by anti-adoption sentiment- someone shared a photo captioned “adoption is love” and was told that was extremely offensive, that adoption rips a baby from its mother and is basically human trafficking.

So, because one person expressed this very extreme view, you assume that all adoptees feel this way and are chronically unhappy? Remember that all adopted people are different, and how they came to join their families, at what age, whether they are the same race, etc., are all different. There is no guarantee that ANY child will grow up happy, or will fit in to their family, regardless of what their DNA is.
If you plan to adopt, stop reading these sites and focus on your own family. Yes, there are many well-adjusted, happy people out there who just so happen to be adopted.

OP- of course I don’t assume all adoptees feel that way- I shared that none of the ones I know in real life do. I’m trying to get a sense of how common that is, and what adoptive parents can do better to try and make sure their children grow up reasonably happy with their lives.

[Anonymous]

I love this site for a perspective from adoptees and first (birth) mothers https://www.firstmotherforum.com/p/what-we-think-about-adoption.html

I particularly like this paragraph in the post which I think is what you are demonstrating by even asking the question:

We know some adoptive parents that are understanding of not only the child's insecurities brought on by the obvious relinquishment that is at the heart and soul of every adoption: someone had to make that child available for adoption; someone had to give him or her up. We applaud those parents who make the effort to learn and understand the psychology of adoption as it affects the adopted individual. We appreciate the many adoptive parents who have posted their thoughts here that display not only an awareness of the adoptee's plight and position, but also express sympathy for the woman--now a mother--who relinquished her child, no matter her reasons and situation.

[Anonymous]

Our DD may well have died if she been allowed to stay with her BM. The doctor and staff at a clinic effected an emergency seizure at DD's 4 month check-up because they were so worried for DD's safety. DD is now 6 and extremely happy and very healthy. We were her foster parents and adopted her from foster care three years ago. The BM was charged with cruelty.

IMHO your question could be reworded. It may not be that some adoptees are unhappy about being adopted. Rather some (not all) may (rightly in some cases) feel very let down by their own birthparents, and focus more on the outcome rather than the cause. Just my 2 cents. Every adoption situation is different.

[Anonymous]

I'm an adoptive mom. My kids are happy but they aren't adults yet. I didn't know about the extreme anti-adoption faction until after I had adopted and it was pretty scary and disheartening.

Throughout my life I've known several adults who were adopted as babies and are as happy as anyone else. One in particular found his bio family, stayed in contact with them, but says he's so grateful his mom placed him for adoption as his circumstances were so much better than his bio siblings. He has a phd and none of his bio siblings went to college, also their bio mom suffered from mental illness as well as other issues. I also have one good friend who was adopted who has severe depression and complex ptsd but she was abused by her adoptive family.

My conclusion is that it varies but it's best to be open and helpful if your kids want to know their bio family. In this day, with 23andme and facebook, it's pretty easy to find family. Plus, it's so natural to want to know where you come from, what happened, etc. that an adoptive family should not take that as a personal affront. I also think it's particularly hard for adoptive kids if there are bio kids in the family or if there is a transracial adoption, but we don't have that situation. I think those families have to work especially hard to make sure their kids feel integrated. And none of this - color doesn't matter; we are colorblind nonsense.

The thing I never understand about the anti-adopters is what is their alternative? Women are no longer forced to have adoptions. What would they want to have happen to these children without parents who feel able to raise them? I'm fully in favor of supporting women who want to raise their children but can't due to financial or other circumstances, but not everyone wants that. Those babies deserve homes, too, you know?

[Anonymous]

this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

[Anonymous]

As usual, people react emotionally instead of rationally.
Statistically, most adoptees will not reject their adoptive parents and will lead happy productive lives. It doesn't mean they won't mull over lots of things, and have doubts about their identity and sense of belonging.

But come on. You have to raise your child to think rationally. Build trust beginning from day 1.

[Anonymous]

I’d say putting them in counselling / therapy from day one (even if it’s play therapy).

Every single one of the adopted people I know has attachment, mood, or substance abuse problems. That includes within my own extended family. Now, I’m not saying that attachment and substance abuse issues don’t occur with “everyone else”, but I find it interesting that every adoptee I know has an issue. And that’s including those, who by all accounts (including their own) have had a happy life with their adoptive family.

I’ll be honest.. so many thread on THIS board have convinced me that I would never adopt, nor adopt a child I had and couldn’t keep, for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

I don't think its any more than any other person who didn't have a good childhood or fit in. One problem I see is that kids are often adopted as replacement kids for biological children they couldn't have and they are always generally second best. Parents/kids have very different personalities and interests and if the parents don't take the time to foster their interests and make it a priority, then kids don't feel like they belong. (but this easily happens in other families as well). It also depends on how adoption is presented, if the person has mental health issues, which can be biological, how good of a family fit, why they were placed, what opportunities and upbringing they had, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d say putting them in counselling / therapy from day one (even if it’s play therapy).

Every single one of the adopted people I know has attachment, mood, or substance abuse problems. That includes within my own extended family. Now, I’m not saying that attachment and substance abuse issues don’t occur with “everyone else”, but I find it interesting that every adoptee I know has an issue. And that’s including those, who by all accounts (including their own) have had a happy life with their adoptive family.

I’ll be honest.. so many thread on THIS board have convinced me that I would never adopt, nor adopt a child I had and couldn’t keep, for whatever reason.

Part of attachment is parents bonding with kids. Often it is just blamed on the child and the child not bonding with the parents, but if the parents don't bond with that child, that's an even bigger issue.

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend who is an adult adoptee and has a great relationship with her (adoptive) family and no bad feelings about being adopted--she's grateful that her birth mom gave her up. She's very open about being adopted; it was mentioned the first time we socialized with their family.

She has had some contact with her birth mother as an adult, but her birth mother isn't very stable so it's been sporadic and I don't think she's introduced her to her kids.

Her brother is also adopted and it's cute when you see their whole family together because she and her brother are both very very tall and their parents are very short.

[Anonymous]

I had a long thread on here last spring about how my sister found her adoptive birth parents on Ancestry.com and the parents didn't want to be found.

While the thread was useful to me, it's been hard seeing my sister on this journey. She's found so many birth relatives and it's been hard for my parents to watch. Bio fam has so many issues. She had no attachment issues with my parents and we were a very loving family. She wasn't a replacement kid as someone said upthread. She was wanted and given a really nice UMC life complete with a warm family and huge extended family. She looked just like us (which is sometimes a reason adoptees don't feel like they fit in).

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/index/posts/list/723579.page

But for the OP- I know that my parents are still so happy they adopted her. They would do it all again in an instant (I'm sure that thought hasn't crossed their minds). She did find her bio family and is spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with them this year, but it's not like she's left our family, it's more like she got married and now has inlaws. Don't let that fear stop you from adopting a child.